Ask Me Help Desk - This Anger I have toward my boyfriend

He needs to talk to a counselor if he's not already. It sounds like he needs to hear from someone other than you, that it's unfair to accuse someone of cheating when there is nothing going on. Have you told him that this behavior is just going to push you away? I wouldn't stand for that crap. I would be like "we either need to get someone involved that can help us through this or we need to move on." How tiring it must get for you to constantly defend yourself.

I talk about everything with my male friends, I mean nothing is out of bounds. He cannot get advice from a women about this! This is an issue that a lot of men deal with and he needs to talk to his friends! If his friends are as bad as he is about it, then yeah, seek cousneling. If he isn't telling you that you are a good women, then he has some other issues as well. In my mind he thinks he doesn't deserve you and is looking for some kind of magical way of finding that out. (i.e. by you cheating on him, thus validating his thoughts)

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

I talk about everything with my male friends, I mean nothing is out of bounds. He cannot get advice from a women about this! This is an issue that a lot of men deal with and he needs to talk to his friends! If his friends are as bad as he is about it, then yeah, seek cousneling. If he isn't telling you that you are a good women, then he has some other issues as well. In my mind he thinks he doesn't deserve you and is looking for some kind of magical way of finding that out. (i.e. by you cheating on him, thus validating his thoughts)

I am in counselling right now but he doesn't know it, I can't picture him pouring out his heart to a therapist because he is a very private person.

Well, I saw a therapist for this a long time ago. My first relationship (just ended) was with a girl who went to a different college than I did. Obviously we had our share of fights. Never once cheated on each other. However, my counseling helped me a lot and I believe really saved the relationships a bit. It is worth it. I am a private person too, but sometimes you have to handle your faults, even if that means getting help.

This is his problem to deal, with not yours, and he should be doing what ever it takes to overcome his issues.

If he isn't trying to help himself there is nothing to do but REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE SITUATION, as it won't get better on its own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

I have been there myself. My first relationship I was always worried about my girl cheating on me. It stems from inexperience and low self confidence. What worked for me was my friends just calming me down and basically saying, "Quit acting like a b****" if you know what I mean. Doesn't he have any guy friends to talk some sense into him? Over time he will get over it, but believe me it takes awhile.

God I hope so because I am going through the same thing

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

This is his problem to deal, with not yours, and he should be doing what ever it takes to overcome his issues.

If he isn't trying to help himself there is nothing to do but REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE SITUATION, as it wont get better on its own.

As crazy as it sounds, he doesn't think there's a problem.

BF and I broke up today, feel awful

So these past couple of months have been really bad for me personally because I had problems at work. My boyfriend was very understanding and I poured my heart out to him on many occasions and he had been my rock basically. Two weeks ago I went to visit my brother for a week and we spoke on the phone everyday, he told me how lucky he is and I reassured him of my love. I have been back for nine days. He spent the night at my house the day after I came back and it was wonderful. I lost my job and everything just went downhill from there. Last Friday night I was in his area so I called and asked him if I can come by, he told me that he is leaving soon to be in my area soon so order dinner for when he comes. He never showed up. I called him and he didn't answer his phone. So the next morning I called him and immediately he apologizes saying how he fell asleep but I wasn't hearing it, we had a little fight and hung up angry with each other. The next few days after that we barely spoke to each other. He knows I don't work now and I must be depressed about it and he offered very little emotional support. Things still were OK with us... until last night. He called me and we had a nice enough conversation. Then he tells me he will get a bite to eat then call me back. So I send a nice little text saying how I need to be sleeping in his arms. He calls back in 10 minutes and didn't mention it. I wasn't going to because I just viewed it as a brush off. This was bad considering how we so badly needed to reconnect. I sent him an angry text shortly before I went to bed. Then he calls me back at to a.m. but I was too tired to answer. He called back around 7:45 am this morning, I answered but he said he would call back when I awoke. The whole day went by that I waited, no call. So at 3 oclock I texted him that it is over and haven't heard from him since. I know I was hasty but I guess everything that has happened caused me to snap. Losing my job was very devastating to me but it's no excuse for the way I reacted. Now I'm afraid to call him because he don't know how he would respond to me. Have I lost him forever?

Hmmm... similar thing happened to my girlfriend... Check it...

Yes, you are devastated that you lost your job and you feel bad about it, and your boyfriend has been there for you, which is nice. He is trying his best to be strong for you have help you out, but sometimes it can get a little hard for him, so cut him some slack sometime and give him a break. Try to understand things from his point of view sometimes and don't be so quick to break up.

My girlfriend lost her job too, and I've been helping her for more than a year, dealing with her depression, her anger, helping her cope with things and trying to make things better. Sometimes when she is really angry she will just blame things on me, and I get angry at that too, then she breaks up with me... I know she doesn't mean to and she regrets it in a few hours and comes back to me, but whateva is going on with her, takes a toll on me, and I'm sure it's the same with your boyfriend.

In my opinion, you haven't lost him. He knows you are going through a hard time, and he is trying to be there for you, so go back to him, apologise and try to make things right. Show him that you appreciate him and everything he has done for you. Show him how much it means to you to have him around and next time, try not to break up with him so easily. I know its hard for you to control your emotions when you feel the way you do, but for your sake and his, please just try.

Good luck. Peace

Thanks BlackVY, I know I should apologize but every time I pick up the phone I end up hanging it right back up.

Hmmm.. something my girlfriend has done on one of your many breakups... took her 2 days to come back to me once. Partly it was because she was ashamed of herself, another part was because she was waiting for me to call her.

My suggestion is you decide for yourself if you want him back or not... if you do, be strong, pick up the phone and call him. If not, don't call him and let him go for good... You are the only one who can make this choice...

Yea sounds like your stressed out maybe you shld call him and tell him everything you told us and think about if you want to be with him while you are so stressed out maybe you just need to get back on the right track and then talk about being together. But I do believe he shld be supporting you while your down so maybe you shld apologize and get back together and let him know you wre just stressed out .

I don't think you should take it out on him though if you want him to be there for you just tell him be like honey I'm really stressed out right now and I would love it if you would come stay the night with me and we can watch a movie because more than anything I need your support and it makes me more stressed when you don't come over when you say you will.

I agree

But the last part sounds as though you may be getting into a fight again

Quote:

and it makes me more stressed when you don't come over when u say you will.

Here's the idea
Without any anger at all (whatever your situation)
Call up and say, how you honestly feel, and what you would like (by the way, only nice things)
Then leave it with him
All done
If you feel you are going to get stressed or upset, then say you need to go because you're still upset with the situation (not at him of course)

That's it
He's probably hoping you'll calm down!
No guy likes an angry girl

Hopefully he'll think you were just going through a bad time, and you're not like this all the time

Very well put kim. It may cause an argument but she needs to let him know that when he does that it makes her even more stressed and he should be willing to understand that. And she as well needs to understand that he can't always be there but when he says he will he needs to be. And maybe he did fall asleep and after she states that he needs to be here when he says he will he will reply with but I fell asleep and I apologized she can react by saying I know and I'm sorry for being so angry with you just next time promise you will be here. And then... they kiss lol

Relationships aren't that hard its all about communication , trust, understanding and compromise, and most of all its about growing together.

Good point, don't assume anything
Say sorry for being angry at someone you feel for
Then without getting angry again, ask if there's still hope or not

Count to 10 before replying to his frustration at you

Oh I agree he should be more understanding and all
Hopefully it all comes out good
Good luck :rolleyes:
Don't forget to reply with the conversation (and your calm words ;) )

He called me a few minutes ago and boy was he mad! He told me that I should stop thinking so badly about him. The conversation went something like this:

Him: What is your problem? (didn't give me a chance to answer the question). Do you know how incredibly busy I was today? I had clients all day and didn't have a chance to call you. Why couldn't you pick up the phone and call me? You're the one with all that free time.

Me: You think I like not working? (getting a little pissed).

Him: No baby that's not what I meant. I mean that you are in a better position to call me more.

Me: Your always busy when I call you.

Him: Lame excuse. Thanks to your text I couldn't concentrate on my work. I was very depressed about it, you damn well know I love you and don't want to lose you but if that's what you want.

Me: No, that's what you want.

Him: You know I don't want that. Let me call you back when I cool off because you just spoiled my whole day with this breaking up nonsense. Bye

He called back a little while after that much more mellow and loving as usual. I aplogised and he gladly forgave.

I will try not to take out my frustrations on him in the future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovelee

He called back a little while after that much more mellow and loving as usual. I aplogised and he gladly forgave.

I will try not to take out my frustrations on him in the future.

EXCELLENT!!

Good stuff... that's what I like to hear... now keep to your word... its not easy to act right when you are angry or upset, but calm down, take a deep breath and then act... always think before you do anything... sounds like you and your man will be just fine... he really loves you... and you really love him... so all the best

Take care... Peace :)

That's good you guys are getting somewhere now just make sure that you don't lash out on him anymore and make sure he promises to be there when he says he will be. Good luck and he truly sounds like he loves you. But at the same time he is also trying to make you feel bad don't let him do that to you too often or he will always get his way. But I can see that he is probably very upset about the break up situation. Just make sure he understand how you feel too as well as you need to understand how he feels and how busy he can be and he can't always call you.

Please read kitten420's reply slowly
Geez if you weren't getting back together, I'd tell him to shove it
Hopefully this angry response is a once only, I couldn't live with that

Expect flowers! Nothing less

Lol kim why do you have to read it slowly?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitten420

but at the same time he is also trying to make you feel bad dont let him do that to you too often or he will always get his way.

Here's what you say
"Thanks honey love you"
Then after hanging up...
Ar$3 H0le!

:p

Lol that's halerious

Actually I think I do that to my boyfriend all the time lol j/k

Ah huh!
New it ;)

Yes we'll get along :)

Doh!

Where's edit on these posts Knew

Yea your good peoples kim you make me giggle.

I think we have one right next to rate this user lol

No
No edit there

Anyway Lovelee, can you please comment?

How do you feel now anyway?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimsland

No
No edit there

Anyway Lovelee, can you please comment?

How do you feel now anyway?

I'll take responsibility for this one because it was uncalled for. I still need his support to get me through this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimsland

No
No edit there

You need to be a member for a certain amount of time kim before you are able to Edit , I think it's 48 hours.

The uncomfortableness after a fight

Ever have a fight with your mate where harsh words were said, and a lot of yelling took place? For me there is this excrutiating silence and discomfort of trying to get things back to normal. To be more specific when your on the phone and there is a long pause where no words are said just heavy breathing and clearing throats. Could be embaressment could be your still a little hurt.

Let's hear some comments, how do you feel after a fight?

Well that is true of most people. Phone fights are silly I find.

Fighting and shouting. Is silly anyway. Because no one gets a word in. and
Once harsh words and petty name calling comes into play.. Nah.

What I do. If one of my girlfriends did that.
I normaly say going out for a drive ring me when you calmed down.

I think most people feel upset or hurt. Or frustraded.

We don't fight, we just wait for the emotional dust to settle, and go about the business of just being together.

The trick is to temper your reaction with good common sense, and don't react when the sense is not so common. Knowing when to just shut up, helped us both.

Never be afraid to say your sorry, as that's a good start for starting over.

Took an awful lot of practice though. Still ironing out the kinks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Never be afraid to say your sorry, as thats a good start for starting over.

That's what I was going to say. Just be the bigger person and say sorry first if it hasn't already been said.

After a stupid, meaningless argument, sorry is the best word.

Always say you understand how they feel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

Well that is true of most people. Phone fights are silly i find.

Fighting and shouting. is silly anyway. because no one gets a word in. and
once harsh words and petty name calling comes into play.. Nah.

What i do. if one of my girlfriends did that.
i normaly say going out for a drive ring me when you calmed down.

i think most people feel upset or hurt. or frustraded.

Fighting over the phone is sillly but sometimes it can't be helped. When my boyfriend gets bold and starts shouting in the phone I usually answer in kind. I know I should be the bigger person but he can infuriate me sometimes. After a fight when things have simmered down and you talk on the phone is when the discomfort is not during the fight.

BF was expected back hours ago, I don't know what to think

Ok my boyfriend and I have been on very rocky ground lately but he reassures me everyday that he wants to be with me. He has been working constantly these last couple of weeks and we barely see each other as a result. I have tried very hard to be understanding and patient and decided that I love him too much to let him get away. Yesterday we finally were able to have a conversation without arguing and things were going good.
He told me that he would be out on business for a few hours today but assured me that he would be back by noon. Needless to say that was hours ago and I've tried to call him but his phone is turned off and I cannot reach him, and he certainly hasn't called me. My first impulse is to worry about him wondering if he is okay but now I'm getting paranoid thinking he is fine and possibly with someone else. Why else would his phone be off and he not call me? He should have been back hours ago but he isn't.
I don't know what to think. Whatever he had to do shouldn't have taken so long and I'm afraid I'm being taken for a fool. It will piss me off to know that he went to spend time with another woman after knowing he doesn't spend much of it with me. This will mean that all the things he told me about wanting me in his life, wanting marriage, kids and a future was one big lie and that our whole relationship is based on a lie. It would mean that he is hypocritical accusing me of seeing other men while he is the one cheating.
I don't want to have these thoughts but as it gets later and later I'm thinking more and more that he is up to no good. He knows I have zero tolerance for a cheater. If that is the case we will not be together. Will he risk what we have for a woman who he is willing to make time for and not make time for me? Which will be the ultimate slap in the face? I need to hear reasoning here. I need the very wise opinions of this board. Am I overreacting?

OK shhhhh

You are spinning off into a world of thought..

Calm down and come back down to earth..
There could be many reasons he has not been able to contact you

Good! That you don't stand for cheaters you should not!

Wiat for the facts. Wait until he rings you.
Then.. in a calm way you can tell him that you was worried about him.

But don't get on the phone screaming where the hell was you and are you cheating on me.

Many people work a lot over the holidays
I myself am working crazy hours
And I don't always get time to phone my girlfriend.
And I'm not sure as to what his job is. But sometimes when we are in a meeting. We have to turn our phones off
And 9 times out of 10 I forget to turn it back on.

So again many reasons.

You guys have had a rocky past. And it seems like you are both still willing to work at the relationship
So talk more when you get the time.

Don't let your thoughts drag you down or lead you onto a path with no facts

All the best

You might be over reacting. There have been times that my fiancé felt this way when he couldn't get a hold of me but it was due to my phone dying. The other difference between me and your boyfriend is that I would find a way to call him but there have been times when I was traveling and had to wait hours to get to a phone.

But I not too should about your boyfriend because I don't know your history with one another. I'll read some of your other posts.