I decided to write a late response saying I received your message, thanks for the b-day wishes

I guess the problem that I am having is that I have very strong feelings for her and I know she is dating someone else but I know she loves me. But at the same time I enjoy being single and I know realistically we would never work right now. She is immature and at a young age still in school and she was my first real true relationship. I always stayed away from relationships and just had fun and went from woman to woman not all too crazy just never could stay with one.

Then she came around and I stopped and enjoyed her company had so much fun but the long distance on top of the new job in a new city and not use to having the whole relationship took a toll. So I am not doing the no contact to get back together. Although I still love her I want to experience life and get my life in order outside of women in general but at the same time try to meet women and see what's out there. But I try to keep those things private, the less she knows the better.

So I guess not thanking her on my birthday was a way to show her I had moved on but at the same time a thank you wasn't a big deal I just was disappointed she didn't call since I called her on her birthday dec 23rd.

Why did you expect her to call you?

Are you sure you didn't write back as some type of revenge for her not calling you? Sounds like it could have been.

As I said in the post before, just like you think you don't have to contact or reply to her because you have moved on, she may have felt that she didn't have to call you because she also had moved on. Maybe she thought that at this point all that was required was a quick text, because after all she was busy with other things in her life and didn't have time to call?

You a re being a little hypocritical by saying you are disappointed that she didn't call you for your birthday, but in the same breathe saying that you don't think you should have to contact her because you want to show you have moved on.

Why does she not have the same right? Is this more a matter of you being upset because you thought you still had her a little more than you actually do?

Im not sure, but it just sounds like this post is more to do with you being upset at her lack of contact as opposed to your motives for the lack of you response. Maybe I'm wrong though!

Just some questions for you to think about!

To a certain extent I just expected a call but the way you put it expectations aren't always met and at the same time where does it say she has to do it my way.

And as I sit back her not calling her was probably easier, not much to say right now besides checking in. Maybe I do think I have her more than I think I do. But I know the way she feels about me. She has let me know that. I guess love does fade but people like her I don't want to lose in my life.

Maybe I am being naïve and you can think about it any way you want but these actions are making people think my growth is hindered. My life is so much better than it ever has been. It is no reflection on her but being in a relationship for a long time and no longer in one has gave me a lot of time to myself. At some point a woman will enter the picture but I am in no rush to get back into anything serious.

Basically she and I both know if we got back together it would be marriage or nothing and that is why we are both shying away. We don't want something that serious right now or at least what that all brings. I would rather us go our separate ways to a certain extent and see if fate brings us together. If not I know I will have probably either completely moved on or find someone that truly makes me happy. But at 23 and her being 21, neither of us know what we want. And that won't change even with months of no contact.

Just to clarify it makes it sound like we are having constant contact but just reiterating what was said in the past.

My impression is that she sent the comment via text cause it would not put you in the situation of having to talk to her. You say you haven't talked to her, but you know she is with someone else now... If I was her I probably wouldn't make a live call either since things might be awkward since she has somebody else now, and wouldn't want to have to talk about it, or have to avoid it.

Texting is also a way of testing the waters, to see if you have resentment or not. Its kind of a safety net so if you didn't ever answer she would think things were 'not so cool' and she would save you guys from having an awkward conversation after the Happy Birthday was said.

I am not positive this is how she would see things, Ive just tried to put myself into that position and how I would react...

Either way it sounds like she wants to keep things on a friendly note. She obviously still thinks of you since she tried twice to make sure you got her birthday wishes. Therefor I think you made the right choice to at least tell her thank you. It says your not ignoring her, you still care, but you still have your life going...

I agree with how you see things nohitter. I know a lot of people here preach the nocontact rule, and it makes sense for a lot of situations. However if you feel you have been able to move on, be happy and have so much positiveness since the break up and still remain somewhat friends with her, then there is no reason for No Contact now.

I think its great you have so much going for you and you still have a positive look outlook on relationships, her and just life in general...

Wish I could get there.. lol.

First of all, happy birthday. Secondly, I think you did the right thing. You have good insight for such a young person. To repsond to her I'm would only encourage her to keep imming you. That can lead to some nastiness when you have ended in a nice way. In being disappointed because she didn't call you instead, is okay and normal. No matter how strongly you feel about ending it there is still a little glimmer of hope. That fades fast. But if you feel you did the right thing then take comfort in that. Too many people belitle themselves by begging and pleading for the other to take them back.

Nohitter,

I think your attitude is great and your insight on this is brilliant.

Everything you say in your posts is from the heart and that is clear to see.

I was never doubting you, just merely posing some questions for you to think about. And they are questions I know I had to ask myself.

You are doing great, and I honestly believe you when you say your life is better now than it has ever been. That is great, so make sure you keep it that way.

I don't think your growth has been hindered at all by these actions. In fact it probably shows even further growth by the maturity and honesty in your responses.

But just be aware of one thing. Sadly the moment you two broke up, you pretty much did or eventually will lose her from your life. It is so very rare that people continue any form of relationship with ex's.

I didn't want to lose mine from my life either, and she said the same. We were best friends before we started our intimate relationship and in some ways will always have some sort of bond, but the relationship ended the day we broke up and we have lose each other from our lives. Please don't hold on to hope that she will be in your life.

Happy belated Birthday, my fellow Capricorn, you are on a good course and doing great. I hope you continue, whether your ex is in your future or not.

Ok most people know my situation and it has been about 3 months since we broke up. We didn't have much hatred for one another, just understood Long distance was just too much and it was too hard for her to enjoy college and me to enjoy a new place and a new job.

She has a new boyfriend now and it really doesn't make me mad or not because we both are moving on and getting on with our lives. I still harbor very strong feelings for her no matter how much fun I am having out here. Life is too short to worry about things I can't control.

The reason I am posting this is she is coming in for a sorority function to Philadelphia in the beginning of February and I will be in Philadelphia at the same time. My question is should I make the move on trying to contact her or just let it go and it will let her truly know that I truly have moved on.

At the same time I don't want to contact her and I get turned down for meeting for coffee or some quick food to catch up because she has a boyfriend and I want to make sure I am not stepping on anyone's toes. Because let's say I ask and she says no even if I truly have my feelings set aside and I am purely just meeting up to catch since we haven't seen each other in a long time. What does everyone think and how would they play this out? I know for a fact she probably won't call me. I just know I won't be coming back to Michigan for a long time and there won't be many opportunities to see her if at all but I don't want to interfere with her life and hinder her growth either.

I guess she might call me when she is in town but I know as an ex I know how it looks to meet up with her ex.

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My question is should I make the move on trying to contact her or just let it go and it will let her truly know that I truly have moved on.

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Why worry about letting her know anything. Put this whole thing out of your mind and leave her alone. If she calls be very busy and unavailable. If she calls. Why mess up all the work you have done already for a small chance to see her again?

I agree but honestly it wouldn't mess up anything. I have been available and I am doing great and I don't want to do anything that would hinder my growth in anyway.

It would just be nice to see her. No feelings talk or anything just jovial. I will not contact her but she makes the attempt I don't know I think it wouldn't be a big deal as long as I have no expectations beyond just catching up

If you think your ready to deal with it, its up to you.

What would be the reasoning that I shouldn't? So I can decide what's best. I mean if she doesn't call then it really doesn't even matter. But if she makes the effort...

I don't know, this who 'no contact' thing seems to be about healing and not a lot else. If you think you're healed, what's the point in not contacting her yourself? Just what are you trying to prove exactly? The BF test is a good one here because the fact that it doesn't bother you that she's seeing someone else shows a clear acceptance of the fact that it's over between the two of you.

If you want to be friends, what's the harm in taking the high road and being the first one to put out the hand of friendship?

You can't be friends while you are still having strong feelings for her. Face it, the only reason you want to meet with her is to see if anything has changed. It is normal, but unhealthy. I am in the same place as you so I know where you are coming from and I too have great difficulties with it. There are a lot of people to be friends with, so why pick the one you have feelings for? Because somewhere in your head, unconsciously maybe, you still want her back. If her feelings aren't mutual, then there is no need to talk, meet, call or whatever. Pretend she's dead. Out of your life.

That makes a lot of sense. Feeling can't truly be mutual when the other has a BF and I have no desire to get back into a relationship. Makes more sense, thanks.

Don't assume that because she has a boyfriend, she's gotten past your relationship or you, he may be the crutch she needs to carry her through it.

Having said that, because you are still harboring intense feelings for her and you really truly don't know how she feels about you or how it will effect her, it's best not to contact her. It may set you or both of you in a bit of a confused state, you don't need to take a step back now.

Don't contact her!

There is no need to at all! It won't achieve anything positive in my opinion.

Trust me, I've been there and done exactly what you are considering.

Don't make the same mistakes as I did!

I have been broken up since late October and honestly having the time of my life. Traveling to different places, have a great job and just truly enjoying the time with my family and friends.

I finally made an attempt to reach out to my ex with no desire to get back together but will all her attempts to previously and me not ready for that I felt I was ready and it wouldn't hurt me to communicate with her.

I had a bad feeling about her because of some away messages about dying inside and heard she may be really sick. So I called her and she didn't answer so I didn't leave a message figuring I would try back in a few hours and leave a message. She called me back 20 minutes later and we had a great conversation just making her laugh and keeping things light but at the same time I asked her if things were OK with her because I saw some messages that didn't seem like her normal self. She said she was fine and was just sick and the doctors didn't truly know what she had.

Anyway the main reason why I am talking on here is I made the attempt to reach out to her and I still really do care about her. Now that I made the attempt to contact her should I stay away until after school ends for her unless she contacts me next? What do you recommend? That was my thinking.

I am still having fun but miss her at the same time. I am moving forward I feel and no steps back. I was able to talk to her and not talk about any feelings just keep it light and showed her the bridges weren't burned and no matter what happens with us or where we go in life that I always will care about her no matter what. The last part is how I was thinking not what I said just wanted to clarify so people didn't think I talked about my feelings to her

Hi nohither,
I think you should get back to no contact now again,
You made the attempt to contact her, so it is up to her to contact you back now if she is interested.. (even for friendship... but is that what you want?)

To be honest not really sure... She is only 21 and I am 23 and I am not stupid I understand that the odds are against us. It is not like I can't meet other girls but she was very special to me in more than just the physical aspect.

The problem I go back and forth on is I know now isn't our time and I am doing great at no contact. Was not pushy whatsoever. I just want her to live her life and enjoy being in school and let her mature and figure out what she wants. I guess at some point if these feelings do persist I will have to let her know but just know if it would work it wouldn't be for at least a year down the road.

And I want to make sure I am not planning things and hindering my growth from moving on. There are many great women out there and many things to do and I have been experiencing everything life has to offer without doing anything at the expense of her. Long answer to you rol just wanted to give you more perspective. To be honest I would rather have her as a friend then not at all but I don't think either would work right now but slight communication wouldn't hurt just to keep us updated. So yes I will go back to NO CONTACT again. It was the first contact we had on the phone since her birthday on Dec 23

Maybe it's the weather, but a lot of the break-up people have been going through this "want to talk to the ex" thing. I've been on almost all your posts since you got here, and you should be pleased at your own progress. I hope your serious about going back to NO CONTACT since this entire post reeks of some kind of old hope, and I don't think it fair to mess up your healing or hers with a false hope since you still aren't ready according to you. Please for both your sakes stay on the path. You may feel stronger but stay with what got you this far.

Yeah I agree tal. Even reading my old posts I know I am better now but not because of being without her but being happier with my life and everything around it. Being single has afforded me the ability to spend more time with my family, get to know my sister on a personal level instead of trying to kill anyone that tried to talk to her. Now I am there for her and can truly look from the outside. My friends are great and I am so happy to be able to do what I want. There are still some unresolved issues with myself that need to be handled. Like figuring out what I want to do with my life. And many of these things I could have done and had a relationship I just didn't understand how to balance everything but stepping back helps everything

As for her, I do still have some false hope but definitely not holding me back. I try to live each day with a purpose and an understanding that I may not get these days back and settling down I am no interest for. I am out there having fun and if I meet someone special I won't look back no matter how good I feel about my ex. So you know what even listening to these words no matter if she still cares about me or not NO CONTACT! Has to happen no matter what. She still might contact me but at least go at it until May because that will be enough time removed.

But I do agree with you, when people say believe in fate because if it meant to be it is meant to be doesn't mean sit around and wait for her it means move on and experience life and if situations arise where we are drawn back together then so be it but don't force anything.

Hi nohither,
Well if you want to be kind of friends then why not, but I would wait for her to contact you next... to see if she also wants to stay friends.
As tal says for now stay on the healing path.

Nohitter, you are trying to tell us that you are over her. That you don't want her back...
I might be wrong, but -based on the things you said- it sounds to me that you're not over her at all. If you would be over her, then you wouldn't even feel the need to "reach out". You certainly would not be on this side asking questions like "what do I do next, contact her, or let her contact me?" If I was you I would go back to a clean no contact, and wait it out for a few more months. Do not worry if you still have feelings for her, it is natural. Just be patient, and you will get over it, completely

I think there is a kind of active caring for an ex that can be inappropriate. Its not anyone's responsibility or privilege to continue to openly care for an ex. That ends when the relationship ends. Of course you may continue to have caring feelings for an ex but those feelings are best kept to yourself so that there is room for someone else to come along and actively care like that. Those who can pull this kind of post relationship caring off usually have children (that's the motive) and even then is very rare in the world.

Trying to turn a romance back into a friendship is painful for someone. So why do it? Just so that someone may continue to express their caring feelings? There was lots of time to do that before it ended. Some kindness is not kind and this would be one of them for me. The man who says to me, "honey I have to break up with you but I still care about you" will hear me say, "that's nice, and I have also cared for you too" just before I walk away and find people who's words match their actions more closely -- not angry, not bitter, just mindful that is what needs to happen.

Besides most of that "caring" usually turns out to be a thinly disguised desire to get someone back and in that case, its not to be trusted at all. It's a manipulation.

There's my two cents worth about the topic in general. Only you can determine how much of this applies (or not) to your situation, Nohitter. Its offered as hopefully helpful food for thought.

Perfectly put Val!! Wow exactly what I was feeling for some time!

You certainly would not be on this side asking questions like "what do I do next, contact her, or let her contact me?

--I do agree I am still not over her and that is very hard to deal with, because I have always found it very easy to move on from women and have no feelings involved because of the care free attitude I possess. This girl was different and no matter how much fun I have I can't seem to get her out of my head. I understand that moving on completely is what needs to happen and I am doing everything in my power to make that happen. The problem I have is long distance and timing were the only real problems we had and this was a mutual breakup. I just couldn't see myself holding her back in school and life and for me in a new job and a new area I had initial trouble adjusting because I was holding on to something back home.

But I do agree it is inappropriate to have that caring feeling for someone but when you sit by her side at a hospital bed while a lump gets removed from her breast with her grandma and mom and become very close it is only natural to have those feelings. My personality will make it hard for me to ever lose her out of my life in any capacity and she would be the same way. Timing and location ruined us and as much as people would say that if you truly loved each other you would find a way and I do agree to an extent but my feeling was I would rather end it now while we don't hate each other then stick it out or get back together after a short break to end up breaking up yet again.

So no contact is what I am going to do, but I feel every situation is different and you can't just say completely move on or never talk to her or communicate with her because there was no abuse, no cheating, true love and care for one another. But yes no contact has been put to work I mean since the breakup in October we have talked at least from reaching out from my end 4 times. There was no begging just an understanding on my part that when she tells me she cries on the phone every time she talks to me and can't translates the feelings and set them aside(same for me without the crying) that it was best to let her be even with her attempts to contact me.

So I sit here happy with my life, happy with everything and I truly do mean it. I lost 15 lbs, I feel great about everything.

I guess one question would be and please look at it honestly, there comes a point where I have to be a man and let her know that I am feeling this way. She attempted to reach out and I kept on cutting her off and saying this is for the best and let's not talk.

She would say she missed me and all this and that. Lets say I keep on doing no contact and these feelings don't go away, when is it right to tell her that I miss her if they are still there. I am not lying like others sometimes, I don't I'm her, call her, text her or email her. I gave it time and when we talked the other day it flowed well we were laughing and joking and honestly I had no desire to tell her my feelings or anything because there not completely there. I am just wondering if they are still there months down the road or even a year, when is it time to say something, because at some point I can't just keep it inside. I would rather her reject an attempt a while down the road if the feelings persist so I can never even rekindle them again. I have women and will still get women and hopefully get myself in a fulfilling relationship, I just enjoy being single but at some point I can't sit back and not say anything if after a year the feelings are there.

Well you made the last attempt to reach out to her so she knows now that she can reach out to you if she wishes.. she knows where you are.

So leave it at that.

Time will make things clearer , right now it's a bit blurry,
Wait until you get to the anger stage and you will know what I am talking about.

I mean she is in another relationship right now and I am not angry at all actually happy for her.

Time to be honest dude, since the no contact has been broken and you will always have feelings for her the rest of your life. She has a new b/f and wants to be friends, so make up your mind if you can live with waiting or not. Why wait when you can move on and let her be happy with her new b/f?

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Originally Posted by Nohitter410

I just enjoy being single but at some point I can't sit back and not say anything if after a year the feelings are there.

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I think you may have answered your own question about when to look her up again and tell her your real feelings? My guess is much will have changed at that time and you'll be better able to look back and see more clearly.

Yea that makes sense. Give it time and like we all said the time the ex comes back is when we have already moved on. Guess I am afraid of doing that but you know what I truly am not. I know I will make many women happy and am not ready to settle down anytime soon so as scary as it is that I may lose her it is the only way. Let her be which is what I was doing. Let's not let the last conversation affect anything that I am trying to accomplish right now.

I have a new job, getting into real estate and other ventures and a woman that has a boyfriend right now is not someone I should even be trying to talk to let alone someone I still have feelings for. Enough said thanks all for being there for me and not letting me fall back or anything.

Yeah definitely don't fall back nohither! 3 months contact is too much to go back to the beginning again and imagine that could be friends.
In another 2 months or so you should be feeling a lot better.