I think that if you ignore him long enough, he will give up. But make sure you don't have any interaction with him, because that would give him false hope and he would continue the pressure tactics.
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I think that if you ignore him long enough, he will give up. But make sure you don't have any interaction with him, because that would give him false hope and he would continue the pressure tactics.
Just looking,
I just read your story, and learned you handled your situation very well. I admire you. You did exactly right thing. There is a certain line between we can accept or should not accept in each relationship, and your judgment was just right. I hope you are healed well from the rare & extreme experience. It must be a shock for you. Thanks for helping me with your wisdom.
I think the problem of my ex (ha ha I am calling him as ex at the first time in my life) is in his childish desire of showmanship. He is very demonstrative, and he enjoys to demonstrate affection in public. It is not extremely abnormal, but for example, if we are in sports game stadium, while TV camera rolls & scan viewers, he would passionately kiss me for long hours until the camera catches us and air it in national TV. Sigh... He would kiss me in busy restaurants or on the streets. I told him it makes me uncomfortable sometimes, and he told me he likes to do it because he wants to show off beautiful girlfriend... In bed, he is normal... For Him, he is viewing himself in public eyes, and the 'public' boosts his ego and happiness. He enjoys to woo people, and that's why he cheated online in my best guess. It would give him excitement if he woos girls with his profession & charms online. It does not matter if he actually slept with them or not, if he puts his time and energy to woo other girls behind of back, it is definitely cheating. It is possibly repeatable unless he changes his mindset, and for me it is not acceptable.
He is childish... that's what I can say. He is not ready for marriage.
He is your ex indeed and you ve given many reasons he is. I hope you can start healing now that you see him for the pathetic person that he is.
Personally I think that justifiable anger helps us move on as we can realise that we don't want to be with anyone who doesn't treat us with the respect we deserve.
A cheater is a cheater, we only learn this truth the hard way and at great pain. We can rationalize as much as we want as to "why" they cheat, but there is no justification for such an act.
I really understand your pain, I really do, but there are much better people out there like you.
You are actually handling your situation well, except for well the trauma that our body is having. You need to drink a lot of fluids and especially water and you need to eat, even if it's a little bit.
Day 7
Last night, he did his daily routine, rang my door bell, knocked my door, begged me over the door, please open the door for me crap. He said he was sorry. It was the first time he verbally said he was sorry. In our 1.5 years of relationship, I do not recall he ever said he was sorry for any thing. He is keep sending me emails to ask just let him know what he has to do to make it work, and he will do whatever it takes all night. He was keep sending our song.
For flowers, he changed his tactic, sent flower man to my apartment, and make sure I receive them in person. No difference to me, because it will go to the trash can directly anyway. Only difference is I am getting calls from door man in my building. I told the door man, dump it, and doorman was keep asking me "don't you have to see it at least before I dump it?" I said no.
It is Friday. I have been in the my place since Tuesday, but it seems forever... I am getting weak somehow. My mind is keep thinking about our vacation, and lovely moments we had together. It is like I am seeing a movie in my head. After I dump him, someone will be in his arms, in his dashing sports car, take vacation with him, and he will make love to the person... It makes me really crazy even though I hate him... It really hurts. I started to cry again helplessly.
I finally reached the point I have to something, and printed out big posters, which says
HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!
And taped them all over in my apartment.
How do you guys deal with the idea "your ex will be with someone else if you leave"? I am in massive pain...
Why haven't you blocked him on email yet? Let us know if you need help figuring out the feature/option on your email account.
Secondly, don't go near the door when he's ringing or knocking, so that you don't have to hear his voice. Just stay in another room, turn on some music, have a friend(s) over, watch TV, stay on the computer, etc.
If he finally said sorry and changed the way he's sending you flowers, then he's changing up his tactics and running out of ideas. Just keep ignoring him, he'll eventually run out of ideas and get the hint.
Stay strong-remember WHY you don't want to be with him.
Don't fall for any Im sorry s!
Don't regret your actions, it's the worst thing you can do. Keep it up! Think of YOURSELF, not him, think about losing weight, what you want to it, what you want to do and when you are going out, this is how I cope with "she is seeing someone else". I have other interest in life then her.
So he is slowly wearing you down huh? Then you better be more active in telling him, "LEAVE ME ALONE", otherwise he will persist until he gets what he wants.
By talking to him, it will give him the chance to express himself. Furthermore, it can give him false hope, because this guy doesn't seem to be able to take a hint. It would be best to avoid any direct communication to avoid adding to the confusion and to avoid him over-analyzing and misinterpreting her attempt at talking to him, regardless of what she says.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
If we need to send him a clearer message, then I would suggest a neutral third party, deliver the message to tell him to leave her alone.
TAL & I WISH,
To compromise your advice, will it be a better idea to print out the sign "LEAVE ME ALONE" and tape it on my door?
It is Friday, and tomorrow is Saturday. It is the 1st weekend after breakup, and it will be really hard for me. It is 10:30 am Friday, and just started to pack. I will leave by 5 pm to friend's house, and will stay with her for weekend. I cannot believe I am suffering this much for his fault.
If you have a doorman, inform him that the ex is no longer an approved visitor. That should help with some of your problems.
You really need to get out and get some fresh air. Staying couped up isn't helping your mental or physical well-being. Take a short walk or a quick trip to the grocery store.
Do you still have the clothes that he didn't like? Put some on. Fix your hair and makeup the way you like it to be. Allow yourself to look and feel like the woman you know you are. The woman that he tried to change into someone else.
When you think of him with another woman, feel sorry for that woman. What he did and attempted to do to you, he will do to her. He isn't going to change his habits. He probably sees no need to.
I am actually wondering how much of his persistence is an attempt at self-preservation. If your fathers are golfing buddies, he probably doesn't want his daddy knowing that his son is a womanizer. He possibly thinks that if he can get back in your good graces, you won't tell your family and his won't find out.
That does sound like a good compromise. You need to send him a clear message, but avoid direct contact and your idea fits the bill.Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedrebecca
Cat1864,Quote:
I am actually wondering how much of his persistence is an attempt at self-preservation. If your fathers are golfing buddies, he probably doesn't want his daddy knowing that his son is a womanizer. He possibly thinks that if he can get back in your good graces, you won't tell your family and his won't find out.
I already told my family last night. My mother was keep calling me why my phone was off, so had to tell her. It is too late for him to hide it. I have a feeling that something will happen this Saturday. I do not know which direction it will go, since it is out of my hand. My father & mother are quite, and I do not know what they are thinking or what they will do. I do not care. They may will not do anything, and will stay in silence. I do not know. I sincerely asked my family, please not to visit me until I visit them next week. I am not in a shape of seeing any one include my family. They agreed, but I know my mother. She will try to see me, so I am leaving to my friend's tonight. I am waiting until 5 pm until my friend comes back from her work... I even cannot drive, and she will pick me up... what a mess and pain...
Cat1864,Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
It really helps me a lot. I have not thought about it. Thanks for brilliant advice. It dries my tears.
You re going away so whatever he does will only reflect upon him.
I hope you have a good weekend and feel better for being with your friend.
Keep us posted and take care.
Dear cat,Quote:
Do you still have the clothes that he didn't like? Put some on. Fix your hair and makeup the way you like it to be. Allow yourself to look and feel like the woman you know you are. The woman that he tried to change into someone else.
It is a really practical & good idea. I will be really beneficial to pmper myself as single sexy woman. I need to think me a single sexy woman again. I am actually free like a bird, I can do whatever I want, and have many choices now. What a nice surprise... I am going to visit some spa, pamper myself with friend this weekend. She will be on me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Yes, he will beg to my door like an idiot. I am trying to have a good weekend. Thanks for your kind support!
I hope you have a great weekend. :)
paxe,Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
Your advice makes me strong again. Thanks!
Confused Rebecca,
Do you know that Just Looking was attacked by her ex and she is in the hospital? I hope you will take good care of your own safety. Make sure you are not alone this weekend and if you can stay with your parents or friends, I would recommend it.
Take care.
This has been a growing concern. Here's the link: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ex-401929.htmlQuote:
Originally Posted by asking
Be really careful. Your personal safety is the most important issue here. If you ever feel threatned, don't hesitate to seek help.
Yes. If you feel any anxiety at all about what he might do, listen to that.Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
Rebecca is out of town with a friend this weekend. She was leaving at 5:00 pm her time yesterday.
I really hope the pampering is helping her spirits. :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
Good morning Asking, and all!
It is Monday morning.
Thank you for your concern. You guys are really nice to me, and I cannot thank enough.
My best girlfriend picked me up at 5:30 pm Friday, and I stayed in her place for whole weekend. You guys were right. It was much easier to deal with the pain with someone. I have a tendency to close up when I have any issues, and try to resolve it by my own, but I realized that it was not always right approach. I am so weak, and really need help right now to deal with it...
I am so fortunate I have such a wonderful & smart girlfriend! She, and her boyfriend, and my ex used to hang out together, she knows him well. She was so angry my ex cheated on me by flirting & dating girls online. I opened my chest, talked and cried with her all weekend. She told me my ex called her 3-4 times a day, and he seemed very depressed. She asked him what he did to me, and he only said that he did something very stupid, and he messed up big time.
My girlfriend comforted me, and gave me advice how to deal with it, and even told me her previous breakup story I never heard before. I guess she is trying to make me ffel better in her best.
Saturday morning, we went to spa as scheduled, but I could not enjoy it at all since my stomach was against the nice herb scent in the spa. We had to leave early, and visited a doctor's office. The doctor diagnosed it as not stomach flue even though the symptom is exactly same, and gave me some prescription. We picked up prescription medicine at a drug store, and stayed in her place all day Sunday. She forced me to take medicine, eat soup. She constantly distracted me not to dwell in my sorrow, and talked to me any silly joke to force me to laugh. I had to smile with tears sometimes. What a nice girl.
She is agreeing I need to break off because he went too far behind of back, it destroyed our trust and relationship, even though he is claiming he did not sleep with any of them.
The nicest thing was she let me sleep in her bed Friday, not in the guest room. I really needed warm physical contact from nice person, and her kind gesture made me fall in sleep well. Oh, gee... tears again...
I asked her if I can stay with her for another week in her place, and she said yes. I am so happy to stay here even! I have to go back to work tomorrow, but I am still at her place while she left to work. I am going back to my apartment by taxi, and pick up some stuff, and come back in the afternoon.
I have had no contact with anyone since my cell phone battery died since Friday. There is any news I am looking for at this point, and I feel better in this way. Thanks again!
Dear cat1864,Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
I had a good weekend, (alomost) pampered myself, and I feel better now. Thanks, you are so kind!
Good to hear you re better and staying on at your friends house.keep posting!
Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
Asking,
You are right. He must be extreamly frustrated. I do not need ugly scene now, and will be very cautious. Thanks a lot!
I am glad you had a mostly good weekend and are getting some human contact.
Take care. :)
LEAVE ME ALONE SIGN did not work.
I just came back to pick up my stuff.
Here is what I posted on my door when I left Friday.
Notice:
This entrance is for a loyal & faithful person only.
Please do not knock or ring for life time, if you are not qualified.
Well, I just saw my door. My ex decorated it like a 9/11 memorial board. On small yellow sticky paper, he wrote "I will not talk to other girls again. I am sorry - from your fiancé-" in handwriting, and put them in heart shape around the warning sign on my door. The sticky papers were about 70-80. He taped flowers & ribbons all around the warning sign as well. He must did it like a kindergarten project. He was never been my fiancé, ex boyfriend now, but I must admit it is very hilarious. I burst laugh.
I went downstairs to see our doorman, Dexter (not real name). He asked if I enjoyed the special arrangement on my door. Dexter is a big fan of my ex, because my ex is involved in a community project to help unfortunate young people, and Dexter came from the community. He has high respect on my ex. My ex was friendly with Dexter, treated him very well always. Oh, well...
I told Dexter, he is my ex now, and he is not approved to visit me anymore. Dexter was holding 3 flowers for me. I told him to dump them again. Dexter looked at my face with disbelief, but did not say anything.
My ex seems premature. He used to be always funny, and that 's why I attracted to him in the beginning. I do not think he will be harmful.
Be careful though he s still not got the message it seems. Make sure your doorman does his job!
Now, that Dexter knows, hopefully, he will not allow your ex in any more. Even if he doesn't understand. Instead, of dumping the flowers, maybe you could have Dexter hand them out to people who look like they need a lift. It might help Dexter to understand that you don't want to have anything to do with your ex and that you are giving him up to the world. Also, make certain that Dexter knows that anymore "displays" will not be taken kindly. That you consider it and the flowers harassment.
Be careful. The ex may not be as harmless as he seems. Sometimes, the ones that make us laugh are the most dangerous because we don't expect them to act out.
How wise you are! I am amazed by you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
I should hand the flowers for someone who really appreciate them!!
I just phoned Dexter, and told him to use the flowers wisely for anyone needed. Dexter tld me he did not dump them yet. I am pretty sure there are so many unfortunate people use them well to lift their spirit.
Yes, I will be careful not to encounter the frustrated man.
Thank you so much. I learn so many things from this board everyday...
Service Recall from family
I checked out my voice mail.
My parents called me for service recall. It is family joke. They call themselves as factory, and offer lifetime warranty to kids whether we want it or not... They do whenever kids seem have troubles, and like to catch the moment & fix the issues as parents.
I will hold it off right now. It can be wait for a week at least, and I need to buy sometime to regain myself...
Your ex is pretending he doesn't get the message that the relationship is over. This is worrisome. He's also involving Dexter in attempts to ignore your boundaries. Also not good. Keep your guard up and stay in regular touch with friends and family who know where you are at all times.
I don't see anything wrong with telling Dexter that your ex cheated on you, it's definitely over, and that he is definitely not allowed into the building anymore. You don't have to go into detail, but Dexter may need to understand that this is not just a lovers' spat.
I know we are all a little anxious now, since Just Looking, but please be careful.
I like Cat's advice.
I love the Service Recall! That is so sweet. :)
I think it is good that you want to fix your own problems. Just don't totally shut the family out.
Maybe have some sort of compromise so that they know you are trying to be a mature woman and handle your own problems, but that you appreciate their being there to support you even if it isn't direct involvement right now.
I do too. It is sweet indeed.Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
I am fortunate to have my parents who have been happily married for 32 years. I have 2 brothers who are very smart and decent, and we are very close. My younger brother is my favorite, still in law school, very funny & handsome man! My old brother is sweet as well, but he acts like my father(?), and I am not trying to spend too much time with him when I have an issue. I am the only girl, so naturally I am the daddy's girl.
I want to end up with happy marriage like my parents someday. I will do the samething to my kids in future.
Funny.
Dexter just intercom-ed, and told me that he already used the flowers even last time for people in nursing home in his neiborhood when I said to dump.
I am glad he did. It seems I am the only one missed out the point...
Asking,Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
It seems my ex is in denial, and sees the situaiton as fixable.
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