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I believe that I do need a girlfriend, and that's why I'm willing to put up with a lot of crap to get one. Not healthy.

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Your right that's not healthy, no one needs a relationship.

Your just like a guy with a drug habit trying to kick it.

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I think the only reason that I go from happy to sad is that my ex will enter into the picture again

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Yo make the perfect case for No Contact.

I find that those that have such a hard time cutting contact have made some really unhealthy attachments. Like dope fiends, especially given how bad you feel and the misery you endure getting that fix that never lasts.

Its been 3 months and she is still calling the shot, and giving you confusion. Try harder. You are making progress though, and just need to stick to it, and learn to delete those texts.

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Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

Thanks. She texted late last night... "yoso how are you?"

1:30 am. what does that mean? I didn't text back.

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Letting go of some one is not easy, even if you were the one to choose so. Say, "Im good, thanks." Then leave it at that. It's hard.

Try not to over think things, just try to let them go and move on.

YouTube - everybody's free to wear sunscreen

Here watch that, and maybe it'll give you some small measure of comfort. It does for me.

Peace be with you brother.

Chin up keep trucking don't look back. One day it will truly be behind you because you know what truly is good for you. A community is here to support you for how ever long it takes you :)

All right, here's the deal.

I have two classes with my ex: In one she tries to get my attention by coughing so that she can talk to me. Usually I ignore her. She does it in a flirtatious manner, and then she gets up to get something, she will bump me on the way. ( I sit in the front so that I won't have to deal with her).

Then, in the other, 2.5 hour class, she sits at the same table as I do. We work, not talk for the entire time. After class, she walks alongside of me and asked me if I wanted to walk with her for awhile. I told her we were walking separate places, and respectfully said goodbye to her.

10 minutes later I get a text saying that I was mean because she wanted to walk and talk with me. I said "This is the i-want-you but i-don't want you coming out in you."

She said "I just wanted to walk and talk with you"

I followed "I'm still pretty pissed about the whole thing. I made a lot of mistakes, but you just gave up and threw me out of your life. More than once"

She said "fine, i'll give you your space".

I said "thanks"

How could I have handled this better? Why is she doing this?

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Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

Alright, here's the deal.

I have two classes with my ex: In one she tries to get my attention by coughing so that she can talk to me. Usually I ignore her. She does it in a flirtatious manner, and then she gets up to get something, she will bump me on the way. ( I sit in the front so that I won't have to deal with her).

Then, in the other, 2.5 hour class, she sits at the same table as I do. We work, not talk for the entire time. After class, she walks alongside of me and asked me if I wanted to walk with her for awhile. I told her we were walking separate places, and respectfully said goodbye to her.

10 minutes later I get a text saying that I was mean because she wanted to walk and talk with me. I said "This is the i-want-you but i-don't want you coming out in you."

She said "I just wanted to walk and talk with you"

I followed "I'm still pretty pissed about the whole thing. I made a lot of mistakes, but you just gave up and threw me out of your life. More than once"

She said "fine, i'll give you your space".

I said "thanks"

How could I have handled this better? Why is she doing this?

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You did the right thing.Next time you probably sholdn't reply to her text either.
She broke up with you, meaning she does not want any part of you in her life. Give her what she wants

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Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

She said "I just wanted to walk and talk with you"

I followed "I'm still pretty pissed about the whole thing. I made a lot of mistakes, but you just gave up and threw me out of your life. More than once"
How could I have handled this better? Why is she doing this?

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Until you can learn not to talk like this, I wouldn't talk to her, period. I know you hurt, and are mad, but you simply CANNOT act bitter towards her. It just doesn't do any good. Keep you emotions to yourself, and your friends, people that actually deserve a reaction from you. Do not give her the pleasure of upsetting you, or at least of knowing she upset you.

It also does no good to admit you made a lot of mistakes. That is what life is about, so it is pointless saying that to her, as if she was perfect. We ALL make mistakes, a LOT of them, especially in relationships, but without them, guess what? We don't grow, and we don't get better.

I know you cannot go without seeing her, as she has classes with you, but try to keep it as non-emotional as possible. You will get there, I know it's hard, especially since you have class with her. Just keep your chin up.

Carry on... :cool:

You have expressed yourself honestly,

You have talked, the talk, now you have to walk, the walk.

In hindsight... I probably shouldn't have even bothered to answer the text.

But what about her other behavior? Is she gaslighting me?

Yoso, in hindsight there are a LOT of things I wished I wouldn't have done. No sweat man! Now, as Tal has so eloquently put it, time to "walk the walk."

So go into shutdown mode?

Lockout forever, or at least until I can think of her as just another girl?

Until you don't think of her, PERIOD... that is it, in a nutshell.

Gross. Why would I think of her period?

You also don't need to be shutdown, and make it glaringly apparent you want nothing to do with her. It is more or less not being there whenever she comes knocking... that type of thing. Don't play into her games nor respond to texts or calls. It is about you having a clear head, and not reacting off emotions. Once you don't react off emotions with her, it is pretty safe to say you are moving in the right direction.

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Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

Gross. Why would I think of her period?

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You are joking right? It is early, so I am not picking up on the humor just yet... forgive me :)

Hahaha. All right. I solemnly swear to never contact her, even if she batters down my doors. I do this on my honor to all of my new online comrades.

Only when I don't think of her at all will I engage in any verbal communication with her. But I will never get suckered into another "relationship" again with this particular woman.

I will ignore all texts, all phone calls, all classroom coughs and requests for walks from her. I am going to flush this one out fellas, like the rest of my crap.

But honestly KC, I cannot talk to her without my emotions flaring up again. I am more controlled and relaxed when she isn't bugging me, or when we aren't conversing. I would prefer to just shut her out.

She's been playing this game for 6 months now. I honestly do not want to deal with her anymore.

I know how you feel. You know what you need to do. Good luck!

True. I see some posts on here like "10 year on-and-off relationship... she slept with over 10 guys..."

I can't do that. I won't do that.

Ok, so this girl I've been seeing frequently suggests that we do things together, but she is usually the one to make all of the plans. Very seldom do I have ideas of my own of what we should both do. Basically, she is calling all of the shots right now and I don't feel comfortable with that. I think that it should be a balance.

What should I say to her that would not upset her, but get the point across that I would like to be assertive in the relationship too?

Next time she suggests something, then just say "We can do that next time, but I have an idea that will be more fun."

OR

Bring her on a surprise date to somewhere that you like to go so that she knows it special to you and that you want it to be for her as well.

You're welcome.

Politely express yourself, and don't let her just take over. They will, if your wishy washy, or have NO suggestions, or don't throw out better ideas.

Don't blame her for trying though.

Hello everyone. Just updating on my status.

Me and this girl did end up getting back together, but it was never the same. In the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't trust her, even if I was still very emotionally attached. Two months ago I broke up with her while she was studying abroad... and not contacting me while she was there. It was all my fault... but I just couldn't handle wondering what she was doing / who she was with. She had given me reason to not trust her before, and we were arguing all the time. It was an extremely toxic relationship. She wanted to control me, to own me, while she was able to do her thing.

She was talking about marriage before I broke up with her, and talking about our future together, even when she was not putting effort into the relationship. In the back of my mind, I just knew it wasn't right. I want someone that had no doubts whatsoever whether they wanted to be with me, and her past (and present) just didn't comply with what I wanted. She left me before, and she would have probably done it again. I found out later, from her, that she did in fact hook up with another guy while she was studying abroad over the summer.

Another thing weighing on my mind is that I am graduating this spring, while she has yet another year of school. Also, she insisted that when she graduates, she will live in no other city but Chicago (where her family is). Her family is very well-off and successful, but I wanted to strike it out on my own, to build up my own success. She wanted to be supported by her family, and perhaps get a job through her father's firm. Also, I am a country boy, and I love the mountains, rivers, and streams of Tennessee.

I look back and see all of the time I have wasted, and all the missed opportunities with friends, and perhaps potential girlfriends, that I have missed. However, I am young yet, and it is never too late to turn things around.

I see now what I see when she had left me the first and second time (on-off relationship). Going NC has definitely improved my view on things, and I know now that this girl is not the one for me. I've wasted a lot of time coming to this conclusion, but at least I have learned something.

I'm taking a break from women for awhile, and building up a life that I will enjoy. I got an R.A. job for the year which saves me a lot of money, while still continuing to be involved in collegiate sports. I've made a lot of good friends and acquaintances, people who I think are truly people of character and people who I enjoy being with. I am happy now.

I just wish this could be a lesson to all who have a hope for getting back together with the ex. Who are you now? And who do you want to be? Put your ex out of the picture and be that person. Improve yourself. And think to yourself, will it really be the same if you and your ex got back together? For me, it was never the same, and I wasted a good amount of time to figure that out. Please, do not do what I did. Think about yourself.

If I can help just one person (besides myself) with my experience, it will all be worth it.

Yosomonton, you sound like a nice person. Good luck, there is someone better out there. It seems to be you heading in the right direction.

Yosomoton, if you don't mind me asking... what were the circumstances regarding you getting back together. Did you completely move on and then she came crawling back, or what happened?

P.S. - Good for you, it sounds like you will be much better off without her.

Yeah, sure.

I was definitely not completely over her, however I was on the road to recovery. We semi-reconciled 2 times for about a week duration, and then broke up because of the intense arguing and accusing of one another for faults. After another month of no contact, she called me. I waited a day, listened to the voicemail, but didn't call her back. She called me again. I should have never picked up the phone, but I did. She turned on the waterworks, and believed that this was the last chance to make things work. She seemed really upset. We took things slow for awhile, and ended up dating another 4 months. She did everything right during that time.

However, I never could get past the fact that she did leave me, and the fact that she hooked up with guys in between me. I felt that this was somewhat on par with cheating, and felt that this wasn't right. If she would leave once, to see if the grass was greener on the other side, she would leave again. I know I'm right, because if I continued dating her, I would always wonder where she is, who she is with, etc. Without trust, there is no relationship. She broke my trust, and I think it was unrepairable.

Can I be friends with this girl? Maybe, but like I said before, we have different value systems. She wants the fast/party lifestyle, hooking up with guys, etc... which is fine. I have outgrown that, as I am graduating this spring and really have done lots of reflecting on what I want to do with my life. I don't want to be "that guy" who is always wondering where his girlfriend is, who she is with, and what she was doing. That would tear me, and my life, apart.

On another note, I don't think I actually liked this girl as a person. She was always putting other people down, criticizing me and my friends, and even strangers on the street walking by. I think she had a very low self esteem. Truth be told, near the end I didn't like being with her, I just was comfortable with her, especially in the bedroom.

I think at my young age it is very easy to confuse lust with love. Hope this helps.

I have to say you have grown a lot since your first post, and I think you well on your way to having your own happiness.

Well, I have to say I wouldn't be where I was today without tal's and everyone's advice. Listen to Tal... do what he says. Time does heal, but it happens faster if you build the life you love.

Yes I agree-i m so grateful I found all this advice when I most needed it.I have made some progress -quicker than I otherwise would have.at least I now know what I don't want from a relationship.so to all you wise men and women-a big thank you. Hugs.:-)

Had a situation the other night. I had been drinking, and walking to a friend's house while on the telephone. I was walking on the sidewalk when I almost run into this one girl. I politely apologized, and continued on. I then realized that the girl was my ex... but I didn't stop and turn around to talk and continued walking. I knew that I would get an awkward conversation, especially because she was around all of her friends at the time. I just kept walking and talking on the telephone. No big deal, right?

I got a text from her the next day... saying "that was very rude of you last night". Fine. I'm OK with being rude. Even though I did politely excuse myself.

The night after that, I got 10... count them... 10 phone calls from this girl, at a very late hour. So I blew up on her the next day. I asked her, straight up, are you still having second thoughts? She said (5 hours later)... "i don't know... but i think this (separation) is the right thing for us". Deep down, I totally agree with her. My life has a peace and equilibrium that it has never had in a long time with this girl. However, because I was lonely, I told her that I missed her. But after that, I snapped to. Then I proceeded to call her selfish and manipulative (which in my estimation, she was just upset that I didn't acknowledge her in front of all of her friends).

What the hell? This girl is the worst. Sorry, I had to vent. I was doing great. I know this is all self-inflicted. I'll get back on the gravy train for good from now on.

I know its hard to let go.

Ive been in the same situation as you for 12 years.

My ex and I would constantly break up and get back together.

You don't want to be me in 12 years time do you??

Your ex sounds like a manipulator and very selfish. Im sure she thinks she loves you but some people have a strange idea what love is...

Threads merged

Why is it that when the relationship breaks up... the dumper usually "moves on" first. Then, as soon as the dumped party moves on... the dumper wants back into the other person's life again? Is this the classic "I want what I can no longer have?".

My ex and I have been getting together/breaking up for the past year. She initially broke it off... and since then I've been improving myself, and realizing the mistakes I made, and also the faults and mistakes she made. I've come to terms with all of that and realize that it now belongs in the past. Nobody is blameless in this sort of situation, and nothing can really be resolved. Since then, I've been growing up to be someone I enjoy to be... even by myself. I continue to grow and to make new friends, take on new responsibilities, and enjoy new experiences with new friends.

However, she still is "around"... asking my friends about me and trying to dig up what I've been doing recently. She even has a new boyfriend/boytoy/whatever. She used to text me/call me sometimes... some even ten times a night when I didn't answer... that is until I told her I changed my number with my brother (I didn't, and so far no more calls).

All I want for her is to be happy... and to leave me alone. I selfishly desire for her to find another guy so that she leaves me alone. However, knowing her nature, and the fact that she never truly "flushed the toilet of her past" when we were dating, I know that this isn't likely to happen. I also know that she tends to "cling" onto somebody... she "needs" someone at all times... so maybe this thing with the new guy isn't all that great?

I don't want to have another relationship for awhile, and since then I haven't really been pursuing any other girls. I don't feel the need to. I'm too busy to devote the time necessary for one right now. I have gone on "dates"... but more so of a platonic, enjoying another person's company sort of date.

I just want to be left alone by this broad. Isn't it funny that 6 months ago I was dying to get back together with her... and eventually did? And now I don't want any more contact with her? She even said herself to my friends that there is no chance of getting back together... yet still continues to bug/pester them (her only source of information of me is through my friends). What's going on here?


She also recently has been showing up to places that she knows that I will probably be... my friends' parties, etc. She even hooked up with one of my friends... later saying that it was a mistake. I don't really care... but is this a tactic to make me jealous?

I'm not sure if it's a tactic to make you jealous, it could be.. It seems like she's a little stalkerish. You should straight-up ask her if she still wants to be in a relationship with you, and let her know that you're not planning on dating at the moment. If she can't respect your decision on that she wasn't worth having in the first place, and it's awesome that you've managed to move on. Maybe she hasn't moved on, and is still wanting to be in your life. If she keeps it up, tell her to knock-it-off. She seems to be immature, and not ready to be in a relationship anyway. If I were you I would wait for "the one" to come along, because clearly this girl is not in it for love- and love is commitment. Just come up with the words to say to her, and say them. Don't bring up things in the past, and be sure that you stress that the conversation is not about the two of you- it's about her moving on and living her own life- not trying to find connections to your life. Tell her you want to cut all ties, and let that be that.

Attraction doubles when you are the dumpee, temporarily. Now, temporarily could mean 4 days, 4 months and/or 4 years, depending on how many and how deep your roots are with her.

The dumper has mentally left the relationship weeks, perhaps months, before the breakup was engaged.

Hence why.

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Originally Posted by Reactor

Attraction doubles when you are the dumpee, temporarily. Now, temporarily could mean 4 days, 4 months and/or 4 years, depending on how many and how deep your roots are with her.

The dumper has mentally left the relationship weeks, perhaps months, before the breakup was engaged.

Hence why.

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Yes, but in my case... she either never truly left or she got back in it again for some reason... and won't let go. And I have gone.

When you say "I am gone " she sees "I love you"
People like this you can't mess around with you have to make her hate you.
I know sounds harsh but it is the only way to move on
You have to do it for her own good

"people like this you can't mess around with you have to make her hate you."

That's what my ex did to me. Did whatever she could to make me hate her.

Yosomoton213: I should have pulled a double-take on your situation, as yeah, yours is a little different.

Reread your own posts she is having as hard a time letting go, as you did. Stay away from her, and let her have the time for reality to sink in.

Dumpers are already in the break up mode, while the dumpee has to get over the shock of the break up, and adjust to the new changing situation. It takes time.

Hey all, it's been awhile. I've been progressing normally. My ex told me she is seeing someone else, which I'm fine with (strangely). At least she's not really bugging me anymore... or is she? She wanted to grab a bite for lunch. I said no, I was busy, and I didn't want to. She, however, persisted, and said that it would be nice. I later found out through her conversation that this guy she is seeing is also hooking up with another girl behind her back, and lying about it. In the back of my head, I thought, "oh sweet karma". However, she wouldn't let it go the fact that I didn't want to go to lunch with her. I see it would be really weird to go out, especially that she has moved on to the point of being in another "psuedo-relationship" I guess. I am happily trucking along, going on dates, nothing too serious. I will try to ignore her from now on. I just want to know, do you all think she is using me to cope with her feelings? She said that she could not believe that I don't want to be friends with her (I don't, I never really "liked" her as a person.). Plus, I think it would be awkward as I still have a little bit of a flame left for her. She is very manipulative and self-centered. Kind of like what she is doing now. What are your thoughts and opinions on the situation... and should I go back to no contact, even though for the most part, I am over her? Tal, you have never steered me wrong.

Also, it seems like she really jumped into this other relationship quickly, which is semi-understandable. We have been on-off-on for the last year. I was somewhat expecting her to come back, but am finally relieved that she has found somebody else and the cycle is broken. However, she will not let this lunch thing go away. I've tried to be nice to her, and then I was a bit of an @$$hole. She said she was done trying, for now. Should I just ignore her forever until the manipulative little wench gives up? I really don't want her in my life at all. Not as a friend, nor as a lover. It kind of hurts too, the finality of it. But, at the same token, at least the cycle has ended.