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Yeah, post 60 answered my questions... Thanx. That is a clear sign so it may be hard but she is a cheater. She can't be trusted so it can't and wouldn't work. Be glad you can find peace with a cooler girl.
My girlfriend once went out behind my back and when I went to her house she got a text and she deleted it and she cried and when I asked her who was it she said for me to leave and I deserve better... wonder what that meant?
Hate to be blunt... Like a fish, you have it on a string but if you get a better one, you might let that one go. All my answers have been given after reading post #60. I think you had been on this string of hers before the break up.
Well it sounds like she was cheating based on what she said to you... do you think based on my story she was cheating on me with that guy? SHe kept saying he was from a state far away and he had a area code I've never seen but why would she say she'd do anything to get me to trust her again? I wish I read all the texts- stupid of me not to- I guess it would have killed if I dug deeper and found out she was.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
Yeah that messed up. She should have stopped talking to that guy after he made sexual references.. if she didn't cheat on you yet, she would have soon.
Yeah exactly- I think he was trying to get her to meet up with him or something and her saying " as long as you realize we are just "friends""- translation-" well I'll fu** you but I'm not going to be in a relationship with you because I have a fiance"Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
I think that she shouldn't of been texting this guy the min he made it clear that he wasn't looking at being a friend but something more. You should have left then, because the trust is broken. Regardless, I think you should continue doing what you are doing and take her off the high Pedestal you have her on. I am reading everything you are writing and there are def better ladies out there for you.
Thanks overayear- I definitely don't have her on that pedestal anymore. I probably should have left when I saw those texts but I was still madly in love with her at the time and she said all the right things and we made up.
Just today she sent yet another text saying hey, could you tell me why you're ignoring me?". I guess me blowing her off has really bothered her. I'm assuming it's the guilt creeping in and she thinks maybe I found out she cheated?
I found out my fiancé cheated on me for most of our relationship with numerous guys. She got away with it because she lived 1 1/2 hours from me so the 3 days a week that I wouldn't see her she'd go out partying/drinking.
To make matters worse she dumped me for her ex boyfriend from high school that she has always had a thing for. She even cheated on her boyfriend of 3 1/2 years with this same guy I found out.
Its been 3 months since I've been officially dumped and I've gone on about 10 dates. The problem is I think I am sending off a bad vibe because I never hear from the girls again after the 1st date. Relationships always come up during the date and I guess they could see I'm bitter/angry over being cheated on. How do you get past being cheated on and manipulated/played from someone you loved more than anything in the world? I can't seem to move on with my life because I still have so much anger/hurt inside. I feel that I can't trust girls now.:(
If your bringing this up on your dates then definitely bad vibes.
Well they will ask me why did my last relationship end and I'd tell them why.
And they'll ask how long ago it ended and I'd tell the truth and they'd say I shouldn't be dating this soon.
I would strongly suggest not bringing up anything about your past relationship on any 1st dates , if you have to deflect it by telling a couple of white lies that's what I'd be doing.
Jumping into a relationship right after a bad one will not make a better one. And if someone tells you that it is way too soon to date after a break up of relationship, take the advise. You obviously have not gotten over your bad relationship. You need to give some time for your anger to subside, so you can enter into the relationship with clean slate or you will always think the next person you date will cheat on you. If you don't think you can do this on your own, go get some counseling done. If you can't afford one, there's always a church around the corner and they can help without the cost.
I have done the no contact thing now for 6 weeks and have ignored all texts but my question is how long will it take before I'm not so bitter?
How come my ex was dating someone (at the same time as me which I found out later) in July and here it is November and I'm still struggling?
6 weeks is nowhere near long enough to get over someone for most people. It just takes time I'm afraid , unfortunately there are no magic wands for the healing process.
For every day you spent in the relationship give yourself 3 days to get over it. That's my rule. ;)
If you're still bitter then you're not ready to date. Why not try just hanging out with friends, going for beers, playing pool, having fun?
It's when you're not looking that love comes along.
bjohnrupp, why are you stressing yourself out by comparing yourself to others? There is no real time line for a person to heal. It was easy for your ex to find someone else right away because she is a cheater who can't really love and doesn't know what a real love is. On the other hand, you have loved and have loved is better than not have known love at all. That's why it may take a little bit longer to forgive, forget, and let go.
I don't agree.Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ndTime
Not all cheaters don't know how to love or know what real love is.
I was a cheater. I was not a good girl way back when. Most of the guys I dated didn't mean a thing to me, so it was no problem to cheat on them. I had a lot of issues, past abuse, and I didn't care enough about myself to give anyone a chance to love me.
Don't lump everyone into the same group.
I met a great guy. I met someone that loved me for me, that was willing to sit back and wait for me to figure it all out. We've been together for 19 years now, half our lives. We're married, have two beautiful kids and I haven't, nor will I ever cheat on him.
To say that all cheaters are the same, that's not fair. People change.
Not to say that the OP should forgive and forget, I think he's on the right path, but I just had to point out that we're all people, we all have problems, we all make mistakes, and it's not fair to lump everyone into a group that will never change.
Clunk, off my soap box. ;)
I agree with Altenweg...Quote:
Why not try just hanging out with friends, going for beers, playing pool, having fun?
It's when you're not looking that love comes along.
Hang out with your frens,, have fun,, DON'T think about your past. Get over it before you go on a date.
If your gal left for another guy, why fret over it? She is not worth it. Why cry over spilt milk.. a fren once came home all happy and laughing. I asked her why she was so happy. She said she got dumped by her guy. They were together for 7 years. I was surprised. Why was she happy.. u know what she said? M glad he dumped me. With him, my glass was half full but to him, the glass was half empty. But now my glass is overflowing. I can find my true love. Now that's being positive. Be positive. There are a lot of fishes in the ocean. You need to have the patience to wait.
But why would someone be so cold/heartless to me and cheat with different guys when I did literally EVERYTHING for this girl. Took her on vacatuions, bought her stuff just for the hell of it, never even said 1 word to another girl- not one. I always hear stories like altenweg's about finding a great guy and she'd never cheat on him but I know I'm a great guy and great catch. I'm in very good shape and am always told I'm good looking and still got severely messed with
Altenweg, as you have said "I had a lot of issues, past abuse, and I didn't care enough about myself to give anyone a chance to love me," you really didn't give love a chance. So, how would you have known what a real love was? I am not putting you down. It sounds like too many issues that caused pain kept you from receiving love and loving others, while you've just abandoned yourself. Do you think that was love?
Altenweg, as you have said "I had a lot of issues, past abuse, and I didn't care enough about myself to give anyone a chance to love me," you really didn't give love a chance. So, how would you have known what a real love was? I am not putting you down. It sounds like too many issues that caused pain kept you from receiving love and loving others, while you've just abandoned yourself. Do you think that was love?Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Well bjohnrupp,, she didn't cheat you alone,, she cheated many others rite? Then what's the problem? This proves that shez the one whoz wrong, that she didn't deserve u. u know your a great guy, always remember that.
I'v had very bad relationships..
The 1st guy I loved from ma heart used me for sex for 2 years and dumped me
2nd guy tried the same, but since I'd lost faith in love, I didn't give myself to him. I found out he wanted to have 1 night and then dump me.
The 3rd guy was great. He didn't force me to do anything.it took me 1 year to kiss him and then we had sex. Then I heard he was having sexual affair with a couple of other gals he called frens. This time, I dumped this guy but I couldn't get over it because I was the 1 being cheated. He had proposed to marry me before sex.
4th guy actually raped me and then dumped me. I was in tears. I was wondering why I had to face tears while the guys enjoyed my body. I started feeling scared. I hated sex. I cried every night for more than a year. I lost all my frens because I refused to talk to any. I lost faith in myself.
Its after 4 painful failures that I found ma true love. Been together for 5 years, married for 3+, baby on the way.
someone, somewhere is made for you. you just have to find her.
Take it as a lesson. I did. It took me a lot of time but I did take my failure as a lesson.
u'l find someone,, it'l take time, until then, get over your ex, enjoy life.
Thank you silver lining for your story- I can't believe how some people are and your story shows just how many horrible people there are out there.Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver Lining
Silver Lining, you are so brave to have told your story. I am also happy for you that you have found true love and happiness.
Thank you...
Anybody else out there that can offer some advice on how to put being cheated on behind you?
It seems that I can't just move on and forget about it. How can someone be so cruel when I was so good to her.
I think your ex has serious problems that nobody but her can solve.
If you can tell yourself that and also that you did the best you could you ll be able to see that it wasn't done to you because you are who you are but because she can't help herself
If you can change your attitude from personal hurt -and this might need some serious work-to: whatever she did isn't my problem anymore and Im not going to let her actions affect my future life, you ll feel better.
You met a girl who clearly needed constant male attention to feel good about herself.Quote:
Originally Posted by bjohnrupp
That is her issue and it has nothing to do with you.
Women who are promiscuous ,as a rule have self esteem issues and they need a barrage of men to tell them ,they are wanted,adored,etc.
Don't place the blame on yourself.She also may have a drinking problem and that is another reason many girls end up hooking up,they are just too drunk to have normal inhibitions.
You are giving her a lot of power by hanging on to your bitterness.She doesn't deserve it.
Take back your power,take back your life and know that not every nice guy gets dumped on and not every date is going to manifest into something permanent.
You don't need a woman to be fulfilled as a person. Have some fun.
You may be coming off as bitter but you may also be coming off as needy.
No woman wants to clean up the mess that some other girl left. Just have some fun.Find your dating feet and go out but keep is simple!
Wow artlady- You were exactly right on a lot of things you just said... she did need constant male attention to feel good about herself!! She also does have serios self esteem issues! She told me once "I have serios personal and self esteem issues- I have been put down badly the last 4 years'. You see she was in a bad car accident and was never quite the same physically since.Quote:
Originally Posted by artlady
You're also right when you said she needs a barrage of men to tell her she's adored/wanted. She'd even flirt/talk to guys right in front of me at times and so I could only imagine when I wasn't around! Oh you're right- she had a major drinking problem and would get drunk 5 times a week and to the point where she could barely stand.
I showed her tons of love and showed her 100% loyalty and complimented her all the time (shes very beautiful). I thought that would be enough so that she wouldn't need attention from other guys.
In a perfect world ,that would have been enough.Quote:
I showed her tons of love and showed her 100% loyalty and complimented her all the time (shes very beautiful). I thought that would be enough so that she wouldn't need attention from other guys.
BUT...
When people have serious self esteem issues,no amount of positive feedback from others is going to change that.
It has to come from within !
She sounds like a very troubled young lady who could probably benefit from some talk therapy.
She sounds like she is headed down a very dangerous self destructive path. Sad, but at this point you need to concentrate on healing for yourself.
Thanks artlady- you made some really good points and you were right on about her even with limited information.Quote:
Originally Posted by artlady
UPDATE**I went 6 weeks of no contact and then yesterday my ex fiancé IM'ed me on Yahoo. After 6 or 7 IM's I gave in and repsonded.
I wanted her to feel guilty for dumping me. I told her how hurt I am still after what she did and how I haven't been able to date like normal because of all my anger/bitterness. She said she had no idea that I was still hurt by what she did and kept apologizing and denying she ever cheated.
I told her she's only talking to me to alleviate her gilt and she denied it. So anyway we IM'ed for at least 2 hours and then talked on the phone last night(she called me) for 1/2 hour. She told me she never meant to hurt me and she promised she never cheated.
I told her I can't be friends with her because I still have feelings for her but she said she wants to meet up to catch up on things. I told her I don't know if that would be good because I'd probably want her back and she said "who knows what cold happen"
Now today she said she wanted to talk on Yahoo and she blew me off all day and texted me saying shed go on Yahoo and never did. What should I do now? Start no contact again or try to be friends with her? Oh she did say she's seeing someone but he's not a boyfriend yet.
I think you already know the answer to that question. In the risk of repeating everybody else, go no contact ASAP. No contact isn't just you not contacting her, it is you not letting her contact you. As long as you are in contact with her, you will not heal and you will just suffer.
So was the whole purpose of her contacting me just to alleviate her guilt? I guess I should have never responded to her IM's but I wanted her to feel guilty for what she did and know what she put me through. Now I feel so used like she just used me to boost her own ego.:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
Well here is the result of breaking NC, you're just more hurt. If you want an explanation, she's contacting you so that she knows someone is still thinking about her, and she can keep you as a fallback in case nothing works out.
Since you DO break NC, I suggest blocking all means of communication between you and her, delete and block her from IM, Facebook, msn, phone, etc...
You shouldn't think of making her feel bad, or making her feel anything at all. She has her life, and now you have to take care of yours and build a happy life.
Tea you're right- I had a moment of weakness and now I regret it. She was trying to say the right things to get me to respond. That's why she was like you must really hate me. Stupid me bought right into it. At least some of the anger/bitterness is gone from me.Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
She is so messed up because she was saying how she's really sorry and she wants to ahng out/catch up and then she was being sweet on the phone last night and she actually got me happy thinking maybe I could be friends with her and then today totally blows me off. Its like she got what she needed from me and goodbye.
Yes, welcome to break up 101. It happens over and over again so you're not the only one feeling like a fool. Good thing you can move on and heal yourself.
Don't ever break NC from now on and it's time to take care of your own.
NC man. All the way. Forever.
Don't give her anymore satisfaction. It will only make you feel like crap and put you back to square one. You gotten that proof already.
Remember, she dumped you. If she feels guilty, let her deal with it.
My ex did the same thing. But luckily stopped after a while, when she figured out that I would never speak or respond to her again. But only out of guilt.
If it was about love, then we wouldn't have exes, would we? Hehehe.
She is no longer your concern.
Time to work on yourself, get yourself back & do all the positive things you can to get there.
You can do it. Good luck.
Hey vanheart- thanks man... I was following your thread for a while a month or two back so I know about your situation. I was doing so good man- 6 weeks of no contact and she reeled me in with her guilt IM's and I took the bait like an idiot. She even called last night and was all sweet and stuff saying how she's going to come see me and then today she disappears in thin air and totally blows me off. Why would she be so sweet 1 day and then the next evil and play with my heart like this?:confused::(Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Who knows why? People can be cruel.
My guess is guilt.
That's why NC is so crucial. Not to succumb to the BS & drama anymore.
We all want answers, for our ex to know the damage, etc.. But, the more you hear from her, or be in contact, the more pain it will bring. Because at this point you have different motives & expectations than she does.
But at the end of the day, she doesn't want you anymore. So disappear. Let her live with her decision and allow yourself to figure out who you are & who is deserving of you.
Its hard yes, I know, and very painful at times, but way less painful than dragging yourself through more mud over and over. That will make the healing process much harder and drive you crazy.
Block her, delete her, whatever it takes.
You should only exist for those that truly care. Not for game players.
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