Hi again. Talaniman. Thx. Went fishing with friends without the fiancé. It helped a lot. I am slowly learning to stop stressing so much about all the small things.

Our relationship has since reached a new level of trust and comfort.

Thx everyone. I believe we will be just fine from now on. This community is great.

That's great news-keep going and good luck.

Hi.

I started realizing that there is this loop going around and around.
Why?

To clarify.
Everything is fine, both partners are happy and content. ( lasts a few weeks)

Then small issues are causing fights (lasts from a day to a week maybe more)

Everything is fine again (shorter period than 1st phase)

Fighting starts (shorter period than 1st fighting phase)

Then back to phase one. All is happy. Crap starts again. Why is it like this? Why not be consistent or is this what bonds us? After all how do you know you are happy if you are never angry or sad?

Or is my relationship not the norm?

Some couples thrive on confrontations with each other. One of my best friends her at school fights with his GF more than any 2 human beings I have seen fight, yet 75% of the time, they look to be hopelessly in love with each other. Other couples think their relationship is coming to an end after one disagreement. They key is you have to find that common ground. I always maintain that a little bickering back and forth is a good thing to have in a healthy relationship.

And reading your last line, that is quite dead on. If you are emotionless and never fight with someone you love/like whatever, then you need to consider why. Emotions drive relationships, either down the toilet, or down the aisle

If serious arguments aren't solved by calm,mature communication,but are forever rehashed,that's a big hint that the relationship is headed for real trouble.
Both people in a relationship need to be able to discuss whatever problems or disagreements that arise or its not much of a relationship.

Well said, aiyerrc.

LJDK, it does sound like your relationship is based on confrontation. Have you tried letting your partner have their way for a week or so just to see if someone will then pick a fight? That would be one way to tell. The other way is to ask yourself if the making up is worth the fighting?

Actually we have not had a fight for weeks now. It just sprung to mind today when I recalled a fight my friend and his wife had. And after talking with some friends I realised all couples fight.

I must admit however, I do become unsettled if we do not fight for longer than 2 weeks. And it has been about 3 weeks now. It makes me feel dead inside if there are no arguments for such a long time.

Perhaps I do thrive on confrontations.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LJDK

...After all how do you know you are happy if you are never angry or sad?

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You answered your own question.

Fighting is a good thing, the trick is finding balance.

I'm not quite sure fighting constantly is a good thing, it would seem in relationships that a lot of fighting takes place,no one is listening.

If fighting is the ONLY way that a couple can communicate their feelings,wants and needs,something is wrong.

Fighting increases the blood pressure,and upsets the balance in the relationship... where it is up and down and does not stay on an even keel for very long... for relationships to survive,both parties need to take responability for the relationship,and listen to what each other is saying and finding a compromise...

Constant argueing chips away at the feeling of security with in the relationship and feelings of anger and resentment build.. you could possibly find yourself fighting over how much you fight!

If every 2 weeks you feel the need for a good row,your not fulfilling some aspect of your own needs,and perhaps need to examine why you feel the urge to fight.

So fights are a good thing now? Wow, I'm so not learning anything in life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

So fights are a good thing now? Wow, I'm so not learning anything in life.

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I don't think fighting within a relationship or for that matter anyway in life will help with most situations..

Finding a balance,communication and compromise will achieve more...

People get upset and angry when they feel hurt or misjudged, anger can be positive if used sparingly,not as the norm.

Not a good thing if its all you do. But if you never test each other you can never grow. I would say its like a muscle. You have to break it down in order for it to grow back stronger.

But strain it too much and it will snap without a chance of recovery.

As for my need to fight, I usually only feel this way when I am sleep deprived and tired. And boy am I sleep deprived. But I have noticed this patern in myself and just avoid conflict when I know I am this tired.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LJDK

Not a good thing if its all you do. But if you never test each other you can never grow. I would say its like a muscle. You have to break it down in order for it to grow back stronger.

But strain it too much and it will snap without a chance of recovery.

As for my need to fight, i usually only feel this way when i am sleep deprived and tired. And boy am i sleep deprived. But i have noticed this patern in myself and just avoid conflict when i know i am this tired.

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I disagree.

Because a relationship is not an exam,nor a competition.

Testing your partner to see how well they cope with an argument or issue can not only cause 'breaks' in the relationship but actually breakup the relationship..

Relationship grow and thrive on support,love,mutual respect and understanding,not rehashing ancient history,crying ,hurt feelings and resentment.

Perhaps I am wrong for testing my partner... I was told by her a few times that sometimes she feels I am trying to push her away.

So I guess you are right when you say it can break a relationship. Its just I have this itch to pick a fight when I am stressed and tired.

Regardless, if women have the right to be mad for reasons beyond logic, surely men may be mad for logical reasons.

My logic behind picking a fight once in a while is to not have a perfect relationship. Those usually end up null and devoid of emotion where both decide to part ways simply because it lacks emotion.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

So fights are a good thing now? Wow, I'm so not learning anything in life.

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Yep

I guess no one actually read my post, I said the trick is finding balance.

It's reassuring when a girl is ready to go toe-to-toe with me because I know she got balls and can handle whatever's thrown at her. Women like that know what they want, and if you're dating them, it means they want you, not need you, so you can actually live a life outside of the relationship.

My relationship was like this... until I figured it was going nowhere forward... and I just finally stopped it and broke up with her for the 3rd time and she left to a new guy...

We stopped the cycle...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LJDK

Perhaps i am wrong for testing my partner... i was told by her a few times that sometimes she feels i am trying to push her away.

My logic behind picking a fight once in a while is to not have a perfect relationship. Those usually end up null and devoid of emotion where both decide to part ways simply because it lacks emotion.

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I have read your other threads. You don't need to worry about having a 'perfect' relationship. You need to work on having a healthy relationship.

You need to find a mature way to deal with your stress. Accidentally snapping when you are stressed is one thing. Picking a fight is another. When you do that, you are forcing someone else to deal with your problems and causing them to feel stressed. IF it happens often enough it can be seen as a type of abuse. It is often how verbal, emotional, and mental abuse begin.

Disagreements and arguments happen in any relationship and they can get heated, however, they should be resolved or the individuals should walk away until they are calmer and can handle the issues together. Yelling, screaming, name calling, hurtful words and accusations should not be allowed to happen or continue if they do. Debates can be fun as long as they don't devolve into fights.

Life and reality are tests that every relationship deals with. Putting your own 'tests' on the other person means that you don't trust her. You don't think she will stay by your side if the going gets rough. It also means that you don't want her to be there because that means she can hurt you when/if she leaves. Make her insecure so that you can be more secure in knowing you were right. Not good for having a healthy relationship.

My husband and I were dubbed, 'The Odd Couple', because we fought a lot. But, it wasn't personal, or nasty fighting.

We just disagreed on most things. Our views on politics, an article in the paper, an opinion on just about anything, but, because we argued, didn't mean we were doomed to fail, or that the relationship wouln't work out.

Many times we disagreed on most everything, but if a decision had to be made we always reached a compromise. Some may see this as a bit weird, but it worked, and does work for us.

We've been in social situations with others who didn't know us, who left because they thought it was going to come to blows! Lol It never has, ever.

Sometimes opposites do attract, and that makes life interesting.

33 years and going strong, we still argue, but at the end of the day, it's all good.

Every thing happens in cycles, and after more than 3 decades with the same woman, we know each others cycles very well. We both know nagging is okay at times, but sometimes it's the wrong time, so we both adjust to each other very well, and being able to compromise is an important part of the cycle. Neither of us forces things when it won't fit, as it already takes a lot to put up with a partners s h i t in the first place.

Its no easier now than it was before, we just know how we will deal with the low part of the cycle, and enjoy the heck out of the high points. We have had a lot of experience. And looking for more.

It is what it is and mostly we are happy, but we all go through those glitches, and have to make adjustments, every now and then.

Hi.

This is somewhat personal but also more of a general thing in relationships.
Adapting, changing and growing.

A Few days ago I realized the reason me and my fiancé were fighting was not because of her faults but because I refused to grow with the relationship. I was stuck in the "in-love" phase. The phase where talk means little, only cuddling, kissing holding hands and childhood fantasies of what love is mattered.

She however moved on to the "comfortable” phase. No need for lots of kisses to show affection. Less cuddle time etc. So I started becoming worried that our relationship was heading downhill. Only focused on what I no longer get, instead of what is.

I have limited experience when it comes to relationships. That being said… am I starting to wake up, or am I lying to myself? Do relationships really evolve to a comfortable state where less affection is necessary to show your love?

I mean I look at my parents and they are very happy to just sit there and be comfortable in silence, no needs to kiss kiss the whole time. I told my fiancé this and she agreed and she seems a lot more distressed since then which is a good thing. It is still very hard work to actively avoid giving too much affection to her… but she seems more happy now and says she is.

What do you people think?

Hi again, LJDK!

Maturity concerning actions and thoughts in an intimate relationship does take time, patience, communication with your partner, and of course, love.

I think that you're growing more mature as far as understanding what true love is really about, so as to enable better, an intimate relationship to progress to that which is long-lasting.

Thanks!

Hi.

Sorry I am so upset at the moment my hands are shaking.
I have no idea why... I guess it's a lot of stuff that has builded up. Negative projection from my friend's relationship into mine etc.

Well here goes. She phones me and invites me to lunch. Then I sounded a bit unsure if I could make it, then she says OK never mind I will go... pause, I will go have lunch alone.

Immediately my hearts starts racing. Furious as hell I become for no real reason. So I phone her on my way there. And I start ranting and raving at her, asking her if I am the rebound guy or is going on because lately it feels like speaking to a brick. Not even a wall, a wall still gives off an echo. But I speak with her about normal stuff and not even a yes or a umm or nothing. Just staring at the TV.

A Few mornings ago she got up and could not look me in the eyes once. The whole 3 hours before we go to work she would avoid me. I told her this is dodge and she must be hiding something. Drug abuse... that was what I was thinking but I did not mention it directly.

Personally I think I might just be upset from this crazy heat, the fact that I don't want to sit at work right now, my debt issues and all sorts of other crap and now I might be taking it out on her.

Why am I suddenly so scared I might be the rebound. Come to think of it I am an idiot. She did tell me way back when we met she is not ready for a relationship. 3 times to be exact. But we kept at it.

Maybe I am just becoming super nervous now that the wedding day is coming closer and closer. I know she loves me... I know she is over worked... working 6 days a week... I know and understand a lot of the things that gets her down. She already picked her dress and she is super excited to get married.

Truth is she gives me a lot of attention and love. And does not turn mute as often as I would like to portray this image of her. But I feel like bursting out in tears. Depressed. Scared of losing her and at the same time trying to lose her.

I guess I am just super scared... unable to believe that I could be so lucky to have her in my life. All I really know is solitude and sadness. Not love and companionship. Damn it must be one of my bipolar moods coming through again :/

When are you getting married? Maybe mutual pre-wedding nerves?
Can you not have a proper discussion about this?
You know, it sounds as if you're making a mountain out of a molehill.. .

I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think we will have a chat after work. Perhaps she is scared too!

We are getting married in September only. But I have noticed that since I asked her I have been on this rollercoaster of being sure I want to, and then not being sure I want to.

Been there done that-nerves are normal-it's such a huge commitment.
Do you truly love her and do you truly want to spend your life with her? Do you feel you are truly compatible?
Does she feel the same?
If the answers to these questions are yes,and you are able to talk honestly about any problem that pops up,you are fine.

We are still a young couple... but so far we have managed to talk about all our issues. Although it was hard at times, took some fighting screaming and throwing fits before calming down and sorting stuff out.

But yes I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. Guess I will be asking her those questions tonight.

Good luck.
Take care. :-)

So I asked her if she thinks she could and want to spend the rest of her life with me. She said no. We talked, fighted over BS. Went for dinner when things calmed down.

So I tried talking to her, trying to figure out why it seems like she does not care anymore about us. She said "i dont care about our relationship anymore, i am only 22 and i dont need this sht"

I told her I noticed this a while ago, thus all the fights we have been experiencing. She left for work now, did not speak a word this morning.

I honestly don't know what to do. Do I try and cling to something that is dying or do I let it go with dignity. How could things get so bad so quick.

I can honestly see that she does not care, and I have been seeing this for some time but kept telling myself I am expecting too much. Sigh.

The reasons she gave me is that I am not the same as when we met, I use to be a go with the flow person and lately I make much issues about little things. Granted perhaps I have been a little out of touch with myself.

Still, not sure if its over now or what the hell is going on. She did not say its over, or she needs a break or anything. Still I cannot help but feel that we already broke up. Damn I'm sad... scared... :'(

I always believed a man's intuition speaks just as loud as a woman's except we are taught to be tougher and hang in there. Since your first post you already knew in a way that things were going down and going down fast. Let's be real, it's what lead you to post here. You are wise and you saw signs that were there. She was distant and you just didn't get the right vibes anymore. Don't be too hard on yourself. Feelings are feelings. If you are sad then it's because something is making you sad. If you are angry, something is making you angry. Don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel a certain way. You really can't help it. You can try to not portray it to others but is that being honest? Your ex is not the right one for you. You both cause each other stress and pain. Itls not your fault nor hers. It took me a while to understand that. You live and learn and you do better next time. You will meet someone else and you will be okay. I say you let this girl go already and begin NC and heal ASAP. I think you already know what's going to happen and you and I both know the damage is unrepairable. Something's are better left broken than to get hurt fixing it. I wish you the best. Hang in there! Your friend, Emopunk7

Sorry to hear this-I always had the feeling this relationship was very volatile and that the two of you were not on the same page.

It sounds like breaking up would be the best option,sad as that is.

It's your choice of course,but that's what I would do.

OK. She came to me and said she is sorry, she wanted to hurt me so she said she does not care about the relationship. As for the not wanting to marry me, well that we have not talked about.

I have adopted a new policy in our relationship and that is to play the role of the stereotypical male, cold distant, not wanting to talk about "issues".

So far it has been going great. She does seem concerned about me being distant but that is what she wanted after all... like they say be careful what you wish for.

In all honesty I think this role suites me better than the role of a man who is in touch with his emotions.

I can feel myself slowly drifting away from her. From this relationship. I am not sure if I feel anything at all anymore. After the harsh words of the other day, I dealt with it as if a break up occurred. Perhaps why I no longer feel much.

Not sure what she is thinking, not going to make the mistake again to care. Caring leads to issues that could have been left in the closet.

I think your communication has broken down,she's playing games and being very immature. Even thinking about marriage at this point,would be,pointless. Is there anything left to work on? All I see is confusion. Something is going to have to change and soon.

I did try to open communication but we seem to lack this ability. Both of us, to do it without getting upset and pointing fingers.

Perhaps couple counceling.

Suggest it to her.
Without communication you really don't have a relationship.

Hi.

If you did something bad, how do you hide it without becoming too distant or detached.

What did you do? And I wouldn't hide it, it always finds its way out in the open. Come clean now and accept the consequences

Whatever it is,don't hide things from a partner-honesty is always the best policy.

I did not do anything. And I am not trolling. I am merely trying to understand different perspectives on how people manage to do this.

I have never been able to hide anything, thus I keep out of trouble.

No one said you were trolling. Some people have a higher tolerance for guilt I guess. I mean there is no clear answer because every person is different, I know people who just don't care what they do or who they hurt while I know others that rationalize it in their own heads

I guess you are right. It has to come down to how much you really care about others.

I would like to live in such a cold mind for a few days, just to see their perspective.

I must admit I have been thinking about cheating, a lot to be honest. But I know I won't be able to hide it very well. Thus my interest in the subject.

Thought there might be tips on how to not feel guilty about such things.