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Louise try to stop, your letting your emotions take over you. Keep on telling yourself this man is GARBAGE! He isn't worth anything. He doesn't know how to love someone, and he never will. You are not thinking clearly. Your letting those weak moments take overyou. WHY would you love someone who treats you like that? You know your worth more than that. He thinks he has this control over you and your letting him do this to you. YOU can do and stay strong!
Dump him!
This isn't about him any more, this is about coping with your own feelings. Venting is great, going bowling is better.
When was the last time you did something good for yourself??
I never do anything nice for myself, I'm just to down and depressed to go out and face the world at the minute. I go from home to work and then back home, I'm working 50 per week trying to keep my mind off this and its killing me!! As soon as he comes into my head I try and think of other things and it usually works. Im concentrating on my sick family member at the moment which gives me something to focus on as well as realising that others have it far worse than me.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I would be down and depressed too, if I never show my love for myself.Quote:
i never do anything nice for myself, I'm just to down and depressed to go out and face the world at the minute
That needs to change, and if it does, I guarantee your attitude will change with it. TRUST me on this. There is NO EXCUSE for not showing yourself that you love YOU!! NONE at all!
How do I love myself talaniman? I feel down right useless. Even an idiot like him is now telling me to leave him alone (btw I'm on day 5 of NC!! ) it just hurts so much that only 2 weeks ago he was wanting to build a life with me and now he is just being horrible to me. What must his relationship with his girlfriend be like if he was asking me out behind her backQuote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Louise you can't build a life with this man because he is a liar. Honestly, do you really care what she is thinking when he is talking behind her back? She is crazy for being with him. Quit thinking of this man, sometimes these things become an obsession. You are worth so much more. Concentrate on yourself, like Tal said, do something for yourself. Even if you have to go to a therapist then do it. Vent, anything, but STOP thinking of him. He isn't a part of your life and he never was Louise. He is a player.
He is a liar... you are useless... yet he is a liar... so what do you care what a liar says or thinks... believe the truth... you are not useless... end the lie(s) and quit feeding into them!
First, stop crying, and go shopping for things you like, and look good in.Quote:
How do I love myself talaniman? I feel down right useless
Get your hair fixed up, in a new style
Get your best girl friend, and go see a play or show, or even go bowling. Its your life, and your responsibility to build a life that you enjoy, with friends, activities, and hobbies. Take a class or develop a skill.
These are but a few ways to show you love yourself and are happy with who you are. That's when you will see that the lying idiot who is talking crap CAN'T MAKE YOU FEEL BAD, and you won't be affected by his BS!
Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, they are a must read for people who need to heal. There is a link in my signature.
Come back, and call me a liar, if you don't get some good insights into your feelings, and a clear path to solutions.
His "Making you feel terrible" is still part of his head games. It serves 2 purposes for him.
1. He makes you feel terrible to a point that you start to think that he's the only one that will ever except you because you're "so useless". You're not useless. This is just part his rat run head game he plays that I'm sure he's playing on her too. Let her take on that hassle and kink in her psyche.
2. He gets to vent whatever frustration he has toward you because it seems to him that his mind games are beginning to fail.
The way you show and feel the love you have for yourself is to completely put that jerk out of your mind, and keep in mind the emotional wealth and support that you bring into others lives. Just don't forget how much yourself an others love you, and not how much he doesn't.
Just a bit of an update folks, one of my friends was talking to my ex yesterday and she asked him if he still loved me and he replied yes deeply, he told her to tell me that he always thinks of me. He said that he thought I didn't love him anymore (he only said this I bet so I go back saying yes I do love you etc etc).
My friend told him that yes I still love him but will never ever talk to him again after thenasty things that he called me (wierdo, and that I needed help). She told him to apologise to me as they were very hurtful comments and he turned round and said "not a chance, im going to the pub to get pi$$ed - f**k it"!!
How can someone say that they still love me deeply and then turn round and say that he isn't apologising and be rude like that?
Why his he saying nice things one minute and then nasty things the next?
Louise, why do you even care what he things? Please you are falling back into his trap again. He is garbage. Why you would even waste another minute and even have your girlfriend ask him if he loved you. OMG. HE has serious issues, and you keep on wondering. GET AWAY FROM HIM... I thought you were going on with your life, he is just reeling you back in, and your falling for it. He doesn't know what love is, and at this point you are not thinking much of yourself, and you...
I take your point sully123 and thank you for that, do you think he is trying to reel me back in? When my friend told him that il never speak to him again he said "see i told you she hates me, i wont text her again !!!!". Its like he is playing mind games with me again. He says he loves me deeply, then says that he knows that we will never be together again but tells me he loves me deeply?Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
I am carrying on with my life and concentrating on my sick family member and not him, he thinks he is a player, but I think it did take him back a bit when my friend said that I do still love him but will NEVER EVER speak to him again after the nasty things he said to me and the laughed in my face.
What should I do now? It kills me to hear him say he loves me deeply even if it maybe another of his lies. :(:(:(
Louise we are here to help you. You have so much to offer some other person. Your friend shouldn't even have asked him if he loved you. :YOU have to get strong, and concentrate on your family member who is sick right now, which I know you are doing. He is playing mind games, he wants to make you suffer. Louise that isn't someone who loves you. I know its difficult when your in the situation and were on the outside. But every time if your friend or who ever feeds him information or you hear info it just sets you back again. I don't know why you put up with his crap. TRy and get strong.
Thanks sully123, I know that he has a g f and that don't even hurt me now so I must going in the right direction?? What kind of person asks me out and tells me he loves me and makes very sexual remarks as to what he wants to do with me when he has a girlfriend?Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
You are right he is trying to reel me back in and I think I hurt his feelings when he knew that il never speak to him again after the hurtful comments, he is the very least of my problems at the moment. He can play his mind games with someone else, its only when a famly member gets very sick that it makes you realise that his mind games are really childish and unimportant and that there are bigger things happening in the world.
Im just so low right now, all my frinds are busy with there own lives and I've no one really to talk to about my family member as everyone is so upset. I just don't know where to turn, hence me coming on here and talking it through
Stop for a second and use your head. Listen to yourself. You seem like an intelligent person who can tell what's wrong from right.
I've been there.I know how things can be confusing... he is toxic. Tell him that you need a break and want to think things over. Stay away from him 4 at least a month. Join a gym.go on a vacation.. put your thoughts and energy in something else. I hope you will start to see much clearer as it is obvious that he is influencing your thoughts right now.. wish you the best of luck :)
Thanks for your advice, I'm just so emotionally attached at the moment to see straight, and that's why its good to come on here and get other peoples opinions and advice that are not emotionally attached.Quote:
Originally Posted by khaksaar
Ive just been on a month vacation and didn't contact him for 2 weeks, then I broke my resolve on my return which I now regret. In my anger last night I tet him saying enjoy getting pissed at the pub and forgetting about me and he text back... will do - thanks!!
I now regret texting him s he probably thinks that I care what he does, I don't as much as I did, it just hurt when he said he isn't apologising and that he was going out to get drunk instead :(:
I was doing so well before my 1 short text last night, I handt contacted him for over a week, I don't fel like I'm back at the beginning as I needed to get it off my chest but I'm dissapointe din myself that I still let him hurt my feelings when he learly don't give a rats ar$e about mine :mad::mad::mad:
Quote:
Originally Posted by louiseismyname
Don't worry take it slow... u've been in love it will take time before you fall out of it... just be consistent and hold your head high.. no one has the right to trash you or make fun of u. u deserve better
Its just so hard at the moment, he text me today and I stupidly text back saying that I can't do this as what's happened between us in the past is just still too raw, he asked why its too raw and I said you know why!! He then texted me and asked me if its because I still loved him?Quote:
Originally Posted by khaksaar
Why does he do this, what do you think he wants from me? I've told him that I'm going to do my best to move on and try and leave the past in th past
Your words, and your actions don't match up!Quote:
Ive told him that I'm going to do my best to move on and try and leave the past in th past
You say your moving on, so stop all contact, and then this confusion will stop, and so will he, when he has been totally ignored!
If you will not distance yourself from him you will keep on suffering... you are the one who has to take a decision... why are you allowing him to call the shots... be affirmative... if you don't stop now .trust me you will not stop ever.. think about it.. u have your whole life ahead of u. just think about all the different possibilities, all the people you will meet in future.r u willing to stake all that on a stupid mistake... u made a mistake .u texted him... DON'T REPEAT IT AGAIN. Just do this. Next time when he texts you just hit the delete button.DON't READ IT>>>>>>>>>>>>...Quote:
Originally Posted by louiseismyname
I agree with TalQuote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I know that I made a huge mstake texting him, my friend told him that I don't love him anymore and he text back and said that I did love him. Its like he don't care about me or my feelings, he only cares that I love him and that in turn I will always be there for him to crawl back too, that's how it looks and feels anyway.
I made a mistake by texting him and I've learnt my lesson, I need to move forward with my life, I'm going to visit my sick family member today which will be upsetting but something that I need to do.
I just try and get my head around why he keeps being bothered if I love him when he already has a girlfriend and has told me he has moved on?
I just wanted to give you an update, my ex told my friend I was a wierdo and eeded help and in my anger I text him to say thanks for calling me those horrible things, he text back and said that he thought theyy were true and that I did need help (in a nice way). What is his game?? Why do I need help? Its him that comes to me asking to get back when he has a girlfriend its him that lies and cheats and manipulates people!! Why do I need help, I'm just trying to get on with my life and be happy, but he keeps appearing on the scene.Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
Is this some part of his mind games, making me think that I'm cracking up and need help, when I read his comments I was nearly in tears, how can he be so mean. Ive not responded to him and NEVER EVER WILL, these horrible comments were the thing I needed to carry on NC FOREVER.
The thing is, I starting to believe him that I'm going mad!! I must be mad to put up with the bs he has been giving me for so long, why do I feel loike I'm losing the plot when its him that's lies and cheats? :confused::confused::confused:
Louise, you are going to continue to be stuck and stay in the situation, by continuing to text him. You say your not going to bother with him, but you do. He plays with your head and your emotions, and you allow that. Why do you friends come back and tell you these things if they know you are moving on? TELL them you don't want to hear his name or anything about him. Be strong, I know its hard, but forcing yourself to do something for you helps a lot, as hard as it is.
Your ex isn't the problem you are. You allow him to live rent free in your head, and your impulsive reactions are at the root cause of this.
Why is he saying that I need help ? That's a very nasty thing to say isn't it. Im never going to contact him again, I promise the ask me help forum that!! You are all right, he don't care about me, if he did he would have text me to see if I was OK when he found out that id had some bad news. I thought that I could count on him but realise that I can't rely on him and that makes me sad.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I need to carry on getting on with my life and trying to get back to being the happy woman I once was, god knows how I'm going to do that but I'm going to give it 110%
Why do I bother what he thinks about me anyway? Like tal said do I really care what the likes of a lier and a cheater thinks anyway? I need to keep telling myself this, as at the minute he is winning and making me feel lower than low
Thanks for all your help and advice, its really appreciated
Another think you should do: is tell your friend/friends (i.e. the ones who know him) that you do not wish to hear about him, you don't want updates, you don't want gossip.
If he says bad things about you, you don't need to know. Time to close the book on him now! You are the one who should be in control of your life! And right now you have played into all of his games and lies.
Take control now!
I've just come back from viiting my family member and realise even more that life is too short to be playing mind games with 30 yr old boy that still lives at home!! You only get one shot at life and I'm not going to waste a 2nd more on this boy that obviously don't love me. He knows that myfamily member is ill and hasn't text me to offer his support etc, don't get me wrong I don't want to receive a text from him but just to know he was thinking of me at this difficult time would be nice. He foun out I was looking at moving over seas and text me to say hope all goes well and goodbye Louise.Quote:
Originally Posted by roxypox
He obviously don't care if I move thousnads of miles away and that hurts like hell after last week him saying that he loved me and why couldn't we be together??
I don't suppose I have any other option than to move on and keep my head up high, I do feel terrible after him saying those nasty words to me but know deep down that its him that's the one that needs help and not me.
The thought of having to go back to work tomorrow and do another 48 hour week to keep busy of these thoughts of him kills me but I've no choice and need to move on. Thanks for everyone's help and support on here, I just hope my situation gets better. I know from previous experience with him that in a few weeks/months he will be back
Just a quick update, I'm back on with NC and I'm on the 3rd day, its very hard but I'm trying my hardest to be strong and take control of my life back. My family member is going in hopsital today for some tests and again on thurs so I'm hoping and praying it all goes well.
The only thing that really still hurts me is that when I told him about my sick family member he never even text back to offer his support or to see how I was doing :(:(
How could some one that say they love you deeply not care about how you are and what you are going through. Its typical with him I've got to say, now he has a new play thing on the scene I'm the last thing on his mind until he gets dumped or bored and that hurts like hell, but again its something I've got to deal with and move on with my life.
I try and think that there was a life before him and will be after him, but its so hard when he tells me he loves me and then don't even see if I'm OK - his actions just don't match his words
Louise, congratulations on third day of NC... continue... continue... continue.. . Your still a little stuck on what he thinks because of your family member being sick. He doesn't care, that's it in a nutshell. You think he loves you, he isn't capable of loving someone, nonetheless, you want that kind of love? (from someone) You have moved on now and so has he. You have to try your best and stop worrying what he thinks. It isn't love and there is no love there. Everyday you will get stronger, stop wondering. I told you one day in the future you will say to yourself, WHAT WAS I THINKING TO EVEN HAVE CARED ABOUT A PERSON LIKE THAT? Stay focused on you, and only you.
Sometimes when we are overwhelmed we take on thing that gives us hope (or we think gives us hope) and put all that emotion into it. True you want love, and support through this hard time, and that's what really hurts, is the realization that he ain't it.
You have a start to recovery, stay with it.
Thanks again for all your kind words, its just SO hard but I think I realise that he doesn't love me and probably never has, that makes me feel like a failure.
I just don't know how someone can walk away away from someone who shared a big part of there life, I understand that we are not toether and that don't bother me anymore but to not even to a simple little text saying that he hoped my family member would be OK is just plain unthoughtful.
I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way he has treated me, what I have learnt from this is that you can't change people, they are who they are. Im just very very dissapointed that he don't care how I am, but on the other hand its given my the strength to carry on NC and realise that I can do much better without him in my life. No more lies, cheating, ignoring my texts and calls etc etc - the girlfriend can have that now as she thinks the sun shines out of his rear. Little does she know he was asking to meet up with me and get back together behind her back, hopefully in time she will open her eyes to him but its doubtful
First of I think that you're doing great with the NC, and in the long run you'll be better of (by far) without him in your life.
To realize that someone you loved probably never loved you is painful and hard and you have my greatest sympathies. (been in those shoes and their a true pain) What I can tell you though is that this does not make you a failure. In the end, you are better of without him and is cruelty is what makes him a failure!
Although emotional rejection from someone we care about is never easy, its quite the opposite, it will take time to get over it... but after this process that you're going through I'm confident that you will be able to stand on your own two legs, head held high and hopefully with a sense of self-worth and pride in who you are.
If this is what gives you strength to continue NC right now, then just remind yourself in weak moments of why you want to get through this. But don't be concerned about that girl... she is not your responsibility, you are! And you cna't save anyone else but you!Quote:
Originally Posted by louiseismyname
Also, there are so many lessons in the heart ache you're feeling right now and when you've healed and gotten over this guy. Hey, you'll be better of and you will have given yourself time to be you and to get back on your feet.
And next time you date and let someone in you'll also know what type of behavior you will not allow and you'll know more what type of relationship you're looking for.
Thanks roxypoxy for your kind words. The thing that really hurt me an still does a little is how he wants to play mind games with me all the time, I'm a 31 yr old woman not an 19 old teenager, that's not what I want to do anymore and quite frankly I'm glad to be away from his mind games. He has even admitted to a friend of mine a few months ago that he enjoys playing mind games with people and has had a lot of experience?? What kind of person admits to wanting too and enjoying playing these games??Quote:
Originally Posted by roxypox
It's the calling me and telling me he wants to be together with me when he has a girlfriend, he thinks I'm stupid and won't find out that he had a girlfriend??
Im doing me best to move on but its hard, I feel all alone and its my family members next appt tomoz with the big appointment next week. Im just so sad and lonely.
At first I would have loved to tell his girlfriend what he was up to but she wouldn't believe her even if I showed her the texts that say "i love you why can't we be together" from him, she thinks the son shines out off his a hole. Plus I don't want him thinking that I care about him anymore, or indeed what he does or who he does it with. Im trying to keep busy but now I've come down ill and got sent home from work.It just seems like one thing after another, but il cope and I know that there are worse people off than me
He does sound like a real piece of work! And if he likes playing tricks on people and messing with peoples minds, then you really are better of. It makes me hopeful that you can see that!
Like you say, you're 31 years olf, not 19 and you really do deserve someone who is and acts like an adult, someone who is mature enough to not play w others and their feelings.
What he has done to you is horrible and that's why it great that you have cut of his access to you and your emotional life. That way he can't keep pulling you back in and he can't play anymore tricks on you.
You say your sad and lonely... do you have away to spend more time with friends/family?
All my friends have other things on there plates at the minute, I'm the one everyone comes to when they have problems so know one ever thinks that I have problems too. As for my family its very touch at the moment, with my family member being so ill its not really right for me to put my insignificant problems out there, plus I'm not one to discuss my problems face to face, hence I'm on here.Quote:
Originally Posted by roxypox
If I could just understand why he treats me this way, but I know that I will never know that, he won't give that answer to me if I ask him, he thinks it's a big joke for some reason.
He has twice asked me to get back together with him while he was seeing someone, then he used to ignore my texts and ring me and hang up on me when it suited him. When I first met him oe of his friends told me that he told lies but I was a fool in love and thought that he would never lie to me!! That's one big lesson I've learnt. All he ever did was lie to me. He would text me and then I wouldn't hear from him for a week, it was just a bg merry go round of games with him, when I would get bored and not play into them he would come back into my life.
He told me last week that I needed to move on and that he was happy and had moved on, but on the other hand onl wone week before that he was asking to get back together behind his girlfriend back, he was telling me that he loved me etc etc. I just give up, I've changed my number and need to move on but its hard.
I'm sorry to hear that you can't talk to someone that your close to, face to face that is. Do you feel that you can't take to your friends about it because you'd see it as a burden on them?
I'm glad your on here though! I know that this site helped me a LOT when I had nowhere to go. And it has helped a lot of other people as well.
So I hope its helpful to you!
As for this guy... I know where your coming from, wanting answers, but sadly we don't always get the answers we need, and sometimes we don't get answers at all. Last summer I went through something horrible and my x boyfriend who claimed to love me and care about me, he wasn't there for me at all. And he showed me such an ugly side of himself... when I came on here I needed help to get him out of my life and it also made me realize that I could never find the answers as to why he treated me as badly as he did. He just did. That was just a side of him that had existed all along.
With this guy, I really think that your dodging a bullet. He is bad news and I understand that you want answers as to why he has treated you like a piece of poo stuck under his shoe. And why he tries to keep you in his life even though he has someone else.
Sometimes we don't always find the answers to behavior like that, although I'd say that he has some serious issues! He might simply be unable to have a relationship with someone that is healthy, and equal. Love isn't about using the other person, or controlling them. And the way he has acted he certainly seem to have a need to control you and to know where he has you even when he has "let you go". And like you said he likes to mess with peoples minds... in the end I think this will be his down fall...
also, I think that as you go through this process you have started you will benefit from trying to let go of the things you can't control:
1. The way he acts, and why
2. The questions that will remained unanswered.
Try to focus on what you can control
1. you day to day life
2. Who you keep close and who you chose to push away.
as for being lonely, is there a way that you can hang out with friends... without talking about this? Could you call one of them up and say: hey need to get my mind of things, lets go for a walk? Lets cook and eat dinner together? Lets go have a drink? Lets go to the movies, rent a movie etc?
Also I wouldn't trust a word he says, you haven't gotten back together with him; which of course makes him want you to think that to rub it in.
I'm sorry to say hon, but I think its time that you make a plan as to how to flush the thoughts of him out of your system, and make a new plan that involves how to make you happy.
Because you deserve to be happy!
You don't really need to bother yourself about him, rather you should brace yourself up and move on, God has a purpose for you.
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