OK going to cook myself for once a nice meal as I have negleted myself for two weeks try and keep busy how hard is this its crazy thanks
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OK going to cook myself for once a nice meal as I have negleted myself for two weeks try and keep busy how hard is this its crazy thanks
Two different things here between NC, and giving space. NC Is the healing process. Accepting that its over and being ready to move beyond the break up, like closing a door.
Giving space is limiting your contact, not necessarily to heal, but to regroup, and carry on with the relationship.
Whether they come back, or not, is strictly up to your partner, and the danger of waiting in limbo, is more misery and pain if they don't come back.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ar-419207.html
In your specific case though Hoppy, your long overdue to find your own thing, without her. Your life is way out of balance at this time.
Waiting for her to change her mind does nothing at all for you. Even if she came back right now, you would be unable to share any happiness, because you don't have any. That's what you must change, and be responsible for.
Forget getting her back, and get yourself back first. Remember the guy she was attracted to for years? Where is he now. FIND HIM!! NOW!
Hello fearxfear.welcome to AMHD-you're doing well with the NC. Maybe you'd like to post your own thread?
His post was moved to its own thread here;
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-419769.html
** Check out the new poll added to the thread.
That was a hard poll, as I went through a combination of choices.
You should probably add a choice: "All of the above."
Yeah, I wanted that, but it says that we have a maximum of 10 options. I'll look into that.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
If I had to take 1 option off, what would you suggest?
It's going to be tough, because I could also add "other," "all of the above" or "non of the above".
I think you can combine "spending quality time with family" and "the spending time to catch up with old friends" into one option. Just my opinion. It is a good poll though.Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
The poll was hard because there were so many that applied. Personally I think the writing a letter and not giving it to her works or at least it helps. There have been several times where I had an email open and typed up a letter just didn't hit send. Now that can be dangerous because it is electronic and if you accidentally hit that send button... oops! Just broke NC. I recommend writing it on paper and then burning it. Good luck to all you club members and just know that time heals. Peace
The poll IS extremely hard. If the choice was easy, then NC would be easy too.
I'm working on trying to put more options if possible. Writing a letter is definitely another option.
It's interesting that so far all the answers are different from one another.
I voted re-reading stuff here, but the irony is I should have read the poll better, because by far the best move I made was removing all online and phone contact with her. But then after that it would be re-reading stuff here, it gets hard to remember why you are doing this in the first place sometimes, so it's a big help.
I can see the variations in answers as different people have different coping mechanisms that work for the individual. Kind of like different people learn in different ways, seeing, hearing, doing, etc...
Exactly! There's an entire list of things that we can try to do during NC, but there's going to be specific thing(s) that click(s) in our minds that will really help us recover. We just need to find it/them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Newguy2009
P.S. It doesn't look like I can add to the list, but feel free to discuss any other ideas that you might have.
I understand that it's difficult to make only one choice out of the entire list. But once you start feeling the progress in the recovery process, you will notice that there is a good chance that there was one factor that helped you more than all the others.
That's a very good point-one major key to unlock the first door so to speak!
Accepting that I got dumped. Then I could figure out what I wanted to do, which was to do my thing like I was doing before we met. (doesn't matter which time I got dumped, hehehe!).
I've been trying to figure out the best analogy for this.
That's one way to put it. Or we try multiple keys, but there's one key that is the best fit to unlock the door.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Basically we try multiple methods, but there's one idea that "sparks" or "clicks" in our mind that gets the ball rolling and paves the way for our road to recovery.
Seems the "it" factor in a heart breaking split is figuring out who you are all over again. We transform throughout a relationship, thus when it ends we have to figure out how to transform into a positive, self sustaining person once again.
A big wake up call for me was the fact that I could actually be dumped. I had a pretty large ego and never thought a female would dump yours truly. Clearly I was wrong and that kind of gave me a harsh dose of reality.
For me, it wasn't until I got my heart broken for the first time that I learned who I was, wanted to be and where I wanted to go. It is really interesting how some of the most awful tragedies in our own lives can turn out to be the biggest learning and growth opportunities. Just my two cents. Hope all is well here!
I know this probably falls under the "get a new hobby" section but I thought I would share...
I bought a guitar this weekend and have started writing music again. It's a great way to channel emotions and grow to learn and develop talent. Any type of musical instrument is recommended for those that may have considered it. Just a thought...
Thanks for sharing Newguy2009! This is exactly the type of success story we like to hear.Quote:
Originally Posted by Newguy2009
Music is definitely a great hobby.
*Thanks for all the votes so far, the poll is starting to take some shape!
Instead of contacting, writing it down is an excellent solution.
Or you could write it as an email and send it to yourself, or save it as a draft.
Then come back to it in a couple of days or a week later and when you re-read it you won't want to send it.
(but make sure its your name in the send field before you start writing an email. You do NOT want an accidental send!).
At least that is how I have dealt with it before and I found the frequency fades with time.
Though sometimes I still write them but just consider it a kind of diary of my thoughts.
Hope that helps
:o)
I have to say for me, I have to delete all phone number and email addresses etc etc. It just sucks for me if I actually remember them =oS. I also try to block them from contacting me. Not because I think they will, but because then I won't drive myself insane constantly checking to see if they have contacted me!
In my latest instances I am considering deleting and blocking everyone that is affiliated with said people.
I also like to read the advice on these forums. And research other cases like mine so that I can see I am doing the right thing! Often I doubt myself.
when one of my friends broke up with her boyfriend, she actually chewed the phone card and threw it at his house. That had some sort of therapeutic assistance to her!
I've done the writing down thing.. it definitely helps.. just to curb that urge...
The most important part is to find what works for you in order to curb the urges.
It's about will power.
We want to avoid any setbacks in the recovery process.
I am trying the no contact. But I'm not sure where we stand. I'm miserable though. Can't eat... dread falling asleep because then I have to wake up and that feeling of we broke up hits me. I'm having a hard time functioning
Its been two months and I'm still feeling like it was the first day. :(
Don't need to put a timeline. It might get worse before it gets better. But once it reaches it worst, then it will only get easier from there.Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
Check out the other thread about the "meaning of no contact" and check out what stage you're at.
Just focus on moving forward, as opposed to breaking the rules and resetting the progress.
It seems like one of the hardest parts about NC is the small tidbits. I will sometimes think I am doing so well because I haven't talked to her in 2 months, but that doesn't change the fact that I am still doing the little things to get information about her. A lot of times I won't even know I am doing it. I'll sign into Facebook and realize I am looking at people's pages seeing if she replied. I'll talk to a friend of hers and before I know it, I get a urge to ask about her and how she's doing (I always fight that urge but sometimes wonder why I got the urge to talk to her friend in the first place. Was I just hoping there would be information in our conversation). It's all these little things that you need to remove to fully go through with NC.
NC is not just about cutting direct contact with the person. It's removing everything about them from your life. It's the hardest part for me. I know at this time to not contact her but I still have the urge to find out what she's doing and how things are going in her life. You need to remove everything to be completely healed and happy with your life.
I don't think I'm pass the "I want you back phase." Today would have been our 3rd year anniversary... but its not because anniversity is for people seeing each other and we are NOT.
Oh...
I know that I am sick, sadistic and masochistic in some ways but when I'm dating a girl a like, I get excited at the thought of a break up 'cause I always wonder "hey, am I gonna do it right this time or will I crack like before? And what am I gonna learn about myself this time around?"
Going through a break-up suuuuucks but it's one of the most meaningful learning experiences you will have in your life. It always helps me to remind myself of that when I'm in the throes of rejection, and then the sadness goes away and I start feeling lucky, cocky even, and then NC is a cake-walk; everything falls into place.
In short, think of this as a gain instead of a loss; NC will be a lot easier that way.
How would you go about NC if you know for a fact that you want to get back together with your girlfriend, and she wants to get back together with you in time?
RS - After reading your original story, I can see that you are naïve.
You know this for a fact? You have been to the future?
NC is not a method to get back together with someone, it's a tool for healing.
The title of this thread is: What has been the most effective factor in helping you cope during no contact?
Coping with a breakup, not "what if" we get back together in time
If you want the other person back, you let them know. If they are willing to give you a chance, then you work on it together. If they don't want you back, then you can't force them.
NC is about healing, not about winning the other person back.
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