Your focus way too much energy into this guy and you need to channel that energy differently.

All I keep reading you say is my ex, my ex, my ex. You only mention your husband when someone inquire about him. Where does your husband fits into all of this?

You need to work on rebuilding your marriage because I am sure this is affecting him too. I pretty sure when the two of you are around each other he can pick up on you being distracted due to you having someone else on your mind and that's is pushing him away. The so called love of your life will be gone if you don't snap out of it.

You had an affair and you seem more in love with this guy then your own husband. If you need counseling then go get it because I can see this issue draging and draging on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by liz28

Your focus way too much energy into this guy and you need to channel that energy differently.

All I keep reading you say is my ex, my ex, my ex. You only mention your husband when someone inquire about him. Where does your husband fits into all of this?

You need to work on rebuilding your marriage because I am sure this is affecting him too. I pretty sure when the two of you are around eachother he can pick up on you being distracted due to you having someone else on your mind and that's is pushing him away. The so called love of your life will be gone if you don't snap out of it.

You had an affair and you seem more in love with this guy then your own husband. If you need counseling then go get it because I can see this issue draging and draging on.

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The only reason I talk about my ex is as I said in a previous post, I just want to vent my anger at the pig he is and how he has treated me. The most I vent the more I realise what a scum bag he is and how he has played me. By writing it down on here makes it a bit more real and helps me to move on, that probably sounds daft but its seems to help me realise what a pig he is. It has nothing to do with the love I have for my hubby, I do love him very very much, if I didn't then id carry on playing this ex's games and not care if my hubby gets hurt. I don't want that, I want to be happy with my hubby, I don't know what more I can say to prove that.

Im just trying to understand something that I don't think il ever understand and like has been said in a previous post il never understand why he treats me this badly? And he wants me to stay around and try to find this out

You can start by stop being in contact with him and stop letting his life interfere with yours.

He can sleep with whoever he wants and continue living his life the way he wants.

You have your own life to live with a marriage to work on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by liz28

You can start by stop being in contact with him and stop letting his life interfere with yours.

He can sleep with whoever he wants and continue living his life the way he wants.

You have your own life to live with a marriage to work on.

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You are right, I've not text him since yesterday at 3pm and that was to say that I wish you nothing but the best, take care and goodbye, I haven't text him today nor do I intend to text him tomorrow or the next day. I won't lie, the thought of him sleeping with other women hurts, but like you said he is not my problem anymore and is free to do as he pleases. I just know that he will be back sooner rather than later though. But I will be strong if not for me then for my hubby xx thanks for your reply xx

I realize you're venting about the "ex". But you keep repeating how he hurt you by sleeping with someone else when they were only "mates" = PLAYER. That's what they do. Players only love you when they're playing...

I do agree with Tal and was wondering, too, if you really love your husband at all.

Another one of your posts today was you comparing how your life would be with the "ex" and how it is with your husband.

You know, these two men aren't your only two options in life. That's what Tal means by you are depending on others to make you happy. Will not happen. If there was no 'ex' to focus on, what would you be focusing on? Maybe your marriage is over and you're afraid of going out on your own? Just a guess.

You mentioned the 'ex' couldn't take care you financially and your husband can. Is this why you're still married to him?

I'm on my own. I'm divorced. Ex husband is long gone. I make it financially by myself and manage to take care of my daughter's needs as well. That is very rewarding for me. I depend on no one for my livelihood or my happiness. It wasn't always that way. I learned.

You mentioned you can't trust the 'ex' but you can trust hubby. But I have serious doubts you're in love with your husband.

If you are and you really want your marriage to work, then you need to have that heart to heart talk AGAIN and really tell him how you feel. If you would 'die for each other' then I don't see why it's a problem being completely honest with him. It would do wonders for you. Change may occur. No matter what form it is, you need a change.

I agree with Survivor, you are contradicting yourself and that's why I wrote what I wrote.

From the outsider looking in it seems like your in love with this other guy but is trying to prove to yourself your not.

You might love your husband but are you in love with your husband? Big difference!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Survivor07

I realize you're venting about the "ex". But you keep repeating how he hurt you by sleeping with someone else when they were only "mates" = PLAYER. That's what they do. Players only love you when they're playing.....

I do agree with Tal and was wondering, too, if you really love your husband at all.

Another one of your posts today was you comparing how your life would be with the "ex" and how it is with your husband.

You know, these two men aren't your only two options in life. That's what Tal means by you are depending on others to make you happy. Will not happen. If there was no 'ex' to focus on, what would you be focusing on? Maybe your marriage is over and you're afraid of going out on your own? Just a guess.

You mentioned the 'ex' couldn't take care you financially and your husband can. Is this why you're still married to him?

I'm on my own. I'm divorced. Ex husband is long gone. I make it financially by myself and manage to take care of my daughter's needs as well. That is very rewarding for me. I depend on no one for my livelihood or my happiness. It wasn't always that way. I learned.

You mentioned you can't trust the 'ex' but you can trust hubby. But I have serious doubts you're in love with your husband.

If you are and you really want your marriage to work, then you need to have that heart to heart talk AGAIN and really tell him how you feel. If you would 'die for each other' then I don't see why it's a problem being completely honest with him. It would do wonders for you. Change may occur. No matter what form it is, you need a change.

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I do love my hubby very much, I don't want to lose him I just feel so angy at this guy treating me like a piece of crap that I'm neglecting trying to make my marriage work and I see that now. Yes I'm dependent on my hubby financially at the mo as I've been made redundant but before that I'm the type of woman like yourself that can hold her own and never took a penny from a man even my hubby.

I need to get rid of this hurt and anger as I realise now that it is hurting me and stopping me from moving on with hubby, I know revenge isn't going to work and id love to hurt him like he has hurt me but I'm sensible enough to know that trying to get revenge will only probably cost me my marriage and he isn't worth that.

I do love my hubby and don't want to get a divorce, I didn't marry to get divorced and I do think that we can make it work if we get that spark back between us, its just getting that spark back, hopefully the trip will do us both good and give me some space away from the ex.

LOL I didn't marry to get divorced either... but that's another completely different story.

Focus on getting rid of the hurt and anger then. This sort of thing happens to people all the time. Men and women do this to each other every day. Some people are just A**HOLES. You need to get over it. Forget him. No one has to "win" here. No one has to have the last word. You are married. The ex doesn't matter or at least shouldn't matter at all!

Maybe this is the first time you've experienced someone treating you like crap. Saying one thing and doing another. Lying about loving you.

(You're doing it, too... to your husband : )

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Originally Posted by liz28

I agree with Survivor, you are contradicting yourself and that's why I wrote what I wrote.

From the outsider looking in it seems like your in love with this other guy but is trying to prove to yourself your not.

You might love your husband but are you in love with your husband? Big difference!

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Even if I was in love with the ex then I know that I couldn't ever go back, he is toxic to me. He is like a drug to me if that makes sense, its like he knows the hold that he has over me and that is what he feeds off. That's why I haven't met him in 5 months, I knew if we met then he would sweet talk me and id fall deeper in his trap.

I don't think I do love the ex, he has a face only his mother could love and I'm not attracted to him physically. I think it's the chase that keeps me there.

Ive just had enough of his mind games, when he said to my friend that he was good at mind games and that he had 30 yrs of experience that really shocked me

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Survivor07

LOL I didn't marry to get divorced either....but that's another completely different story.

Focus on getting rid of the hurt and anger then. This sort of thing happens to people all the time. Men and women do this to each other every day. Some people are just A**HOLES. You need to get over it. Forget him. No one has to "win" here. No one has to have the last word. You are married. The ex doesn't matter or at least shouldn't matter at all!

Maybe this is the first time you've experienced someone treating you like crap. Saying one thing and doing another. Lying about loving you.

(You're doing it, too.....to your husband : )

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sorry survivor I didn't mean you wanted to get divorced, it must have been hell for you going through a divorce and I'm sorry if I upset you, that was not my intention.

I think the ex thinks it's a case of winners and losers in this game, but like you said nobody has to win or lose. I have my marriage to concentrate on and not him. What gets me is that I know he is just biding his time and will contact me again in a week or two give me the emotional bull sh^& to try and draw me back, giving me the usual lies of I love you, you told me to leave you alone, you are the one for me, I think of you everyday.

It happens every time, but this time I'm not falling for it xx

You didn't upset me at all. Really. I've come a long way. The divorce wasn't near the hell the marriage was : ) .

Life will throw things at you and it's how you deal with it that's important. It'll make you or break you.

Just be determined that when the ex contacts you that you WILL NOT RESPOND in any manner whatsoever. THAT is the clearest message you could send. NO CONTACT.

Use your intelligence and whatever else you can muster and DO NOT RESPOND.

Find something else to replace "him". Sleeping with the phone under your pillow at your age.. Come on. You know that's not the kind of woman you are or want to be, right? Especially with your husband there!!

Sleep with a photo of yourselves on your wedding day under your pillow! He he

You need some balance in your life. Friends, and activities, something besides the work crowd.

Volunteer work is what I recommend to show you what others are going through, and get you out of self, by being of service to others in need.

I have suspected since your first post that you had way too much time to dwell on your own problems, and had nothing to ground you to reality.

That's not a healthy view of real life, but that can change.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Survivor07

You didn't upset me at all. Really. I've come a long way. The divorce wasn't near the hell the marriage was : ) .

Life will throw things at you and it's how you deal with it that's important. It'll make you or break you.

Just be determined that when the ex contacts you that you WILL NOT RESPOND in any manner whatsoever. THAT is the clearest message you could send. NO CONTACT.

Use your intelligence and whatever else you can muster and DO NOT RESPOND.

Find something else to replace "him". Sleeping with the phone under your pillow at your age...! Come on. You know that's not the kind of woman you are or want to be, right? Especially with your husband there!!!

Sleep with a photo of yourselves on your wedding day under your pillow! he he

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Glad I didn't offend you survivor, you seem like a strong person and I admire that, that was the person I used to be before all this happened. As for the phone thing, yes it used to be kept under my pillow but not just for him but also I used it as an alarm clock. But now I've bought a new alarm clock and for past 2 nights the mobile has been put in a draw at night.

Im feeling good again today, the sun is shining and I'm feeling OK, there are many people out there that are a lot worse off than me. Yes it still hurts that he don't care if I'm dead or alive but there's not much I can do about that I suppose so I need to be strong and get on with my life - thanks again for your advice xx

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You need some balance in your life. Friends, and activities, something besides the work crowd.

Volunteer work is what I recommend to show you what others are going thru, and get you out of self, by being of service to others in need.

I have suspected since your first post that you had way to much time to dwell on your own problems, and had nothing to ground you to reality.

Thats not a healthy view of real life, but that can change.

---

Im trying to find new things to do to keep me busy, as I said in my last post, I'm feeling OK today and think I could climb a mountain but tomorrow maybe a different story altogether but il take tomorrow when it comes. I feel a fool for being fooled by him and his lies, it hurts when you realise that someone who said that they love you really don't know matter how much of a prat they are.

It does hurt that he don't care if I live or die but there's nothing I can about that so rather than dwelling I'm trying to keep busy - thanks tal for your help

Also, some ear plugs could help you get some sleep, next to hubby.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Also, some ear plugs could help you get some sleep, next to hubby.

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Had to spread rep, Tal.

I totally agree with this statement!

Try to bring back the intimacy in your marriage.

Hi all, its been a few days now nand I'm not feeling any better. Ive been making a real effort with hubby and have got some of the spark back for now. I stupidly bought my ex a birthday pressie as it was his 30th on sat, I text him to see if he wanted me to post it so he don't have to see me and he didn't reply. I text him back and told him fine and that I'm off out with a friend for the night, he then text me back saying why are you telling me that you care then going out with another guy??

I just don't know what to do, he ignores my texts so I move on and then he texts me asking me why I'm going out with another guy. He text me and told me he loved me on sat night before he went out for his birthday, it would be nice if we could just be mates but that's never going to happen. In a moment of weakness I've been texting him and he never replied to one of my texts then texts me and asks me why I tell him I care about him and then go out with another guy??

Jeez, when are you going to see trying to make two men happy will only result in misery. Have you not learned anything in 10 pages?

So here you are again with the same BS question you started with. Divorce your husband. He doesn't deserve your stupidity, or betrayal.

If you want to join your boy toy's harem, then go ahead.

When are you going learn?

You keep going round and round in circles. I mean come on.

Did you really think buying him a gift was a bright idea? Then you tried to make him jealous?

I really don't think your getting it and I really think you need to leave your husband because your hurt him and that's not right in my book.

You got 10 pages of good advice, and yet you continue to make the same mistakes. You don't deserve your husband, he deserve a lot better. Someone who actually understands what being faithful is to a MARRIAGE! Just end your marriage and go be the boy toys side piece and live that lovely life you seem to be so attracted to.

I just wanted to say a big thank you to you all for making me wake up and smell the coffee.

I didn't realise what I had until today, I've not been in contact with the ex for 2 days and do you know what I really am OK with it. I found out that he is seeing a girl (he told me they were just friends and were there for each other) and all I felt was pity for her.

She has been warned before that he lies but she chose to ignore the people telling her!! I was going to get in contact and warn her but then I thought that it would just look like me interfering and besides it has nothing to do with me anymore.

Im really looking forward to my trip away, we go 2 weeks today's, its going to be the clean break that I need.

The ex said some horrible things to me the other day via text after I asked about does he want me to send his present ( the present was bought ages ago by the way and yes it was a massive mistake and I realise that now) I was only trying to be nice to him by sending the pressie but I realise now that it was no appropriate for me to do that. The abuse I received off him made me realise that he does not care for me one bit. I really didn't want to part as enemies but I can truly see that this has gone on long enough and there is no way that we can ever be friends. I find this sad, but my hubby comes before a guy who treats me like sH&^.

Hopefully I will of heard the last from the ex, but I doubt it, he will appear in a few weeks but I just don't care anymore. Im a stronger person and I'm glad he was so nasty to me, it was the wake up call that I needed to see him for his true colours.

I love my hubby very very much and am looking forward to the life that we have in front of us, I never thought that I would be saying that tbh, but it's the truth so thank you all for your help and advice... IVE FINALLY SEEN THE LIGHT!!

I hope you did but we will see. Btw, change your number and tell your friends you don't want to hear about him when they bring him up.

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Originally Posted by liz28

I hope you did but we will see. Btw, change your number and tell your friends you don't want to hear about him when they bring him up.

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No honestly I really have seen the light liz28, I'm in the middle of changing my number so I won't hear from him again unless he turns up at the house and decides to sit outside again!! Im just fed up of all the lies he tells, I didn't want to end it with him like this but I just can't trust him, he lies about everything and anything and I don't understand why?? Why tell me him and this girl are now just friends then I find out that there not? What is to be had from telling me lies?

Anyway, I'm not going to interfere in there lives as I said before, it will look like I'm bothered and now I just don't give a rats a$$. Its like I have become a different person, a person that just don't care what he does anymore, it's a better person than the one I was, always waiting for his next text that never came.

I really feel like a different person now I've seen the light so to speak, now that I'm not clinging to my phone waiting for the text that never arrives I'm free to see the bigger picture.

When I told him never to text me again as I knew he had a girlfriend then he text me back pretty damn quick calling me all the nasty names so it just showed me that he did receive my texts and chose not to answer them. Im well oer him now, I've been reading a few other threads on here from others and realise that I'm so lucky to have what I have got.

Why would I put my marriage at stake for a guy that lies and ignores me all the time? I must have been having a mad moment. The guy thinks that he has this spell over me and that il come crawling back to him the minute that he snaps his finger, well I can't wait for the moment when I just ignore his call/text. I don't even want to text him back saying leave me alone, I'm just going to ignore him until my new number comes through.

Just a little update, I've now got my new phone and I'm ready to leave the ex behind. Im feeling so strong at the moment and hope this feeling continues xx

By new phone I hope you mean new number. Just stay strong and keep your willpower sense up and going. You can do anything and this includes keeping him out of your life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by liz28

By new phone I hope you mean new number. Just stay strong and keep your willpower sense up and going. You can do anything and this includes keeping him out of your life.

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Yes, new phone and new number. Its weird how it took him having to be so nasty to me again to make me realise what a loser is really is. I won't lie, the thought of them together still guts me but now every time I think of it is just keep myself busy and do my best to forget him and do something constructive with the time.

Its was his lies that hurt me, I kept telling me just admit that your with this woman but he said they were just friends, I thought we could end up maybe not as mates but the occasional text to see how each other were doing, but now that I'm seeing thigs clear I can see that we really need to just disappear from each others lives. I just can't believe anything that he says to me anymore.

Im looking forward to my trip and planning for the future for the 1st time in ages, once the ex realises that I'm moving on he really won't be happy, but hey he has got his girlfriend now

Just another quick update, its now day 5 of NC and I'm feeling great, I even went out for a meal with hubby last night which we haven't done for ages and ages. It really is true that everyday that passes it gets a little easier.

I won't lie that I don't think of him but when I do I just think of all the horrible things he has done to me and I'm OK. I keeping myself busy and am planning on meeting loads of old school friends that I've managed to find through Facebook.

Ive blocked the ex and his bit of stuff so they can't find me on Facebook, I've spammed his email address etc etc.

Long live my resolve xxxx

That's a great start, keep it up.

I'm glad to hear you've made a decision and are sticking to it.

Still can't help wondering how hubby doesn't notice anything is up with you, though... all this emotional drama.

I wish you the best. Have a nice getaway

You want what you can't have, yet you want your cake & to eat it too AND you also want the thrill of victory the agony of defeat;. You cannot have it all, as we were led to believe, but only die tryin', as someone will eventually end up hurt, with a bad case of the SIDS, crabs, gonorrhea, syphilis, or a combination, then you could spread that on to your husband. Is this really fair to him? Does he do the same thing? I'm not sure about different kinds of marriages as to your expectations of each other. Then there is your reputation you might want to think about, but evidently that doesn't concern you, you're institutionalized now (married) and although times have changed, morality does not.
But it all depends on the way you were raised. You create your own life, & must carefully weigh your choices, EITHER way, in the end, you will pay the consequences of your actions.:rolleyes:

For cryin' out loud, get rid of the phone!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by loulou1978

i think that was a bit harsh, i do not expect him to be sitting at home waiting for me tbh, its him that contacts me not the other way round more often than not.

Im no a selfish person, i think that is a wrong judgement personally, i have pointed out that i made a mistake kissing this guy and want to try and make my marriage work. Im not a horrible person and i DO love my husband, i just need to get the passion back in our 10 yr relationship.

Its like i want to keep in contact with this guy as sometimes but not many times is nice to me, he says he loves me and wants to be with me and then sleeps with all these other women, thats what i can't understand. His actions and his words don match up.

I was waiting fo someone to come on and call me all the names under the sun as above and slate me, i understand everyone has there own opinions and i do appreciate everybodys comments even though some are hurtful.

I just want to know how i stop these feelings for the ex, ive told him to stop texting me etc etc but he still does, i really dont want to have to change my number but feel i may come to that

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Oldbag

You want what you can't have, yet you want your cake & to eat it too AND you also want the thrill of victory the agony of defeat;. You cannot have it all, as we were led to believe, but only die tryin', as someone will eventually end up hurt, with a bad case of the SIDS, crabs, gonorrhea, syphilis, or a combination, then you could spread that on to your husband. Is this really fair to him? Does he do the same thing? I'm not sure about different kinds of marriages as to your expectations of eachother. Then there is your reputation you might want to think about, but evidently that doesn't concern you, you're institutionalized now (married) and although times have changed, morality does not.
But it all depends on the way you were raised. You create your own life, & must carefully weigh your choices, EITHER way, in the end, you will pay the consequences of your actions.:rolleyes:

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What the hell are you going on about!! You have obviousley NOT read this thread properley as I HAVE NOT SLEPT WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN MY HUSBAND!! how dare you go round saying that I'm passing std's onto him. I think that you need to read the posts fully before you start dishing out advice!!

I don't want my cake and eat it, I've not seen the frigging ex for 6 months now and YES IVE DITCHED THE PHONE!!

Just a little update, I've now hit the 1 week marker of NC and its not been half as bad as I thought, I'm off on holiday at the end of next week so I'm trying to focus on the at the moment.

I do have good days and bad days but I try and keep myself busy and occupied. Im trying hard to find a job after being made redundant but its very hard at the moment with the current economy.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for there support, I don't think I could have got through this past week without you all xxxx

Just keep NC with your ex. You need more respect for yourself and for your husband. Each day will get easier and easier, little by little. Each day is a positive process you need to get yourself back together and the thoughts of your ex will eventually disappear.

I would say good luck but it's not about luck, it's about hard work and what you make in this situation.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ajGambino

Just keep NC with your ex. You need more respect for yourself and for your husband. Each day will get easier and easier, little by little. Each day is a positive process you need to get yourself back together and the thoughts of your ex will eventually dissapear.

I would say good luck but it's not about luck, it's about hard work and what you make in this situation.

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Thanks ajgambino, this NC is tough stuff, even though he treated me badly it hurts not to see him. Im doing well on the NC, its been over a week and I'm OK. I do have my weak moments but tend to do other things like listen to mp3 player etc etc when these moments occur.

Im off on m hols next week for a month so hopefully I will try and erase him from my mind for that time, I still don't understand how I let him fool me with his lies. Anyway, I'm trying to move and with my life now and forget the past, I just hope his lies will catch up with him.