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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Dude - I advise you not get into a friend with benefits thing - I think it would really hurt you as she would date other guys. It'sjus treally unhealthy.

If you think being friends with her is a good idea - I'd do it - I THINK YOU WILL LEARN A LOT if you're friends.

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Gotcha on this one. I promise you (and of course myself) that I will listen to your advice on this one. I chose to put good advice aside when I first started posting here (which makes me think why I even posted to begin with if I was just going to ignore good advice!) but this time, I am going to listen. I think if I did the friends with benefits thing, I'd soon find myself exploring a whole new realm of confusion and hurt. So yeah, I'm listening.

BTW, this question is for Skell, so man if you're around: Did going to Germany help you deal with your situation? It's been a while since I read your threads and I searched for your username today and read your first thread and then the one where you metioned going to see football in Germany. Did you really go by yourself?

Reading your first thread made reminded myself of my own situation so much. Except you lasted 1 year longer than I did. I'm 23 with 6 years, you were 24 with 7...

Well if your confused about everything and such a mess ill suggest one more time and then that's it.

NO girls for a couple of months. No girls that are friends. Why do you need them. You have your buddies. Let them come naturally. Don't force it.

Leave this girl alone. It will ony mess with you further.

Just completely forget about any sort of relationship with a female, friends included, until you feel comfortable and not so messed up..

That is my advice and the last time ill offer it Pat in regards to what I think you need to be doing now...

Good luck!

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

BTW, this question is for Skell, so man if you're around: Did going to Germany help you deal with your situation? It's been a while since I read your threads and I searched for your username today and read your first thread and then the one where you metioned going to see football in Germany. Did you really go by yourself?

Reading your first thread made reminded myself of my own situation so much. Except you lasted 1 year longer than I did. I'm 23 with 6 years, you were 24 with 7...

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Yes, we are very similar Pat. I relaied it from the first time I read your post.

That is why I have been so consitent with my advice. Because I know what is working for me.

And in my opinion what you are doing is unhealthy...

No contact with ex, no new gf's. Just you man. YOU! Can't stress it enough. Hang with your mates. Family if you have it close.

You are just so strung up with women and getting it right around them that you are bound to fail. Your too up tight.

But please just give yourself some time to get over the ex. 6 years is a long time and if you got over it in 2 months then I wonder what you actually had with her. Couldn't have been much..

YEs I did go to Germany alone. All the way from downunder here. I met a couple of mates that live in the UK in Germany. Spent some time with them but all the travelling was pretty much don't alone.

It was great. I had a ball and met heaps of people.

It didn't all of a sudden heal me and I was completely over my ex. No way. In fact I went to a lot of places in Germany that me and my ex had been to together when we travelled Europe. So there were a lot of painful memories and few quiet tears shed. But I couldn't hide form it. I have to face those challenges everyday.

But I think you have to do it alone Pat. Relaise that you can get over it alone. Not have to have a girl in your life to get over it!

How about going back and reading your threads (all of them). Every post. It hink you'll find more than enough advice to make a decision that is best for you!

Just as an update guys, I haven't spoken to this girl since our talk on Sunday despite her leaving me messages on my Facebook saying how you doing, etc. I intend on taking the next few weekends and just be by myself- not going to visit anyone. Just going to buy some books and read.

Keeping her around as "hook-up material" is fine if your comfortable with that. Keep in mind that that's how a lot of relationships start. That's about all this one has potential to be. Don't even worry about her "excuses" or anything else.

Yeah, well I'm not really thinking about what potential my friendship with her has now. I really don't care anymore. I've realized that this is about me, and my "need" to have someone around. It's a deep rooted problem, and it's time it gets addressed. I am spending the next several weekends alone, perhaps taking walks, taking care of my car which needs to be cleaned and fixed up, and perhaps reading up on some books on finance (to make me more competitive in the job market), as well as books on bodybuilding, and self-help perhaps. It's been a long time since I've taken care of myself.

Maybe I'll give this girl a call sometime next week, but whatever. Maybe just keep it alive, I don't know. Whateva whateva.. lol.

For those of you who don't know my story, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me about 4 months ago. The reason for our break-up was because I wasn't treating her as well as I should have, which made her realize that she was young and didn't deserve to be tied down to a relationship that required so much work. We were 16 when we met. Her decision was for her own good, and I know that.

I've tried to contact her many times initially, but later gave up and followed the no contact rule. I even found myself in a rebound relationship which quickly died out. I still miss my ex though, and her birthday is in 4 days. I want to call her...

Advice?

Did she answer your phone calls when you called her initially?

Has she tried to contact since you have been following the no contact rule?

I don't think it would be bad to say happy birthday depending on your intentions. You need to keep it very short don't mention anything about feelings or relationships.

Keep it to Happy Birthday maybe call on her birthday in the afternoon. You can ask how things are going but nothing else. Do not ruin her birthday and make her think of anything else except getting a year older. Don't even say you will call her again or she can call you keep it short, just to show you care. Let her call you next. Do not call her again next.

No... don't call or write to wish her a "Happy Birthday". Let things be as they are!

Maintain the no contact rule. By calling or e-mailing or sending a card you are breaking that rule and back to square one.

No contact means no contact, none, nada, nothing.

I thought the no contact rule is 2 to 3 months

In a short term relationship this may be the rule. But in this case, read his previous posts, this is long term, 6 years.

So, in my opinion 2 - 3 months is a drop in the bucket, and the healing process is just beginning.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Maintain the no contact rule. By calling or e-mailing or sending a card you are breaking that rule and back to square one.

no contact means no contact, none, nada, nothing.

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I agree, No contact means no contact..

I am sure your intentions are genuine and you just feel an obligation to wish her a happy birthday, and you probably don't have any ulterior motives.

No contact however means just this, nothing whatsoever.. Not so that you can play along with the idea of her coming back but simply for yourself healing and to prevent you from losing the progress you have made.

What's so special about her birthday, that it should come before you and what you need to do?

No contact, at all no cards, letters, e-mails, or smoke signals.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Whats so special about her birthday, that it should come before you and what you need to do?

No contact, at all no cards, letters, e-mails, or smoke signals.

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Nothing is special about it, nor is it more important than me.

I'm just hitting another rough patch, seeing as it's her birthday on Monday, and then what would have been our anniversary the first week of December. The winter months suck.

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Originally Posted by Nohitter410

Did she answer your phone calls when you called her initially?

Has she tried to contact since you have been following the no contact rule?

I don't think it would be bad to say happy birthday depending on your intentions. You need to keep it very short don't mention anything about feelings or relationships.

Keep it to Happy Birthday maybe call on her birthday in the afternoon. You can ask how things are going but nothing else. Do not ruin her birthday and make her think of anything else except getting a year older. Don't even say you will call her again or she can call you keep it short, just to show you care. Let her call you next. Do not call her again next.

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No, she NEVER responds to any of my e-mails, texts, or calls. I stopped trying 2 months ago. At first, I wrote her 3 long-winded e-mails begging for forgiveness, second chances, etc. She did write me back once, however, and perhaps she would have written me back again, had she not found out about the rebound girl I had. But she's probably even more angry at me now and this girl can hold a grudge forever.

Would it break your heart, if she hasn't given you a second thought?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Would it break your heart, if she hasn't given you a second thought?

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Yeah man, if course it would. I may be in denial, but I doubt she's that cold. When I was with her, she'd occasionally tell me stories of how she's been hurt or insulted (not by past boyfriends, but just in general) and she remembers everything and holds onto ill feelings like it was just yesterday.

In my mind, I keep thinking that if I show her I'm different and apologize enough, she'll crack and talk to me again.

But man, if she really has forgotten all about me, I give her credit. If it's that easy after 6 years, maybe I didn't mean anything to her in the first place.

I know where this is going and let me stop you here, if you want to drone on about your ex, at least give us the respect to do it privately. Now a better action would be to get out of self and help someone else. If I'm wrong then my apologies, but..!

I quietly bow out of this thread as it is reminiscent of something blue, if you all get my drift. Nothing we say is going to help, he is going to do what he wants no matter how hard we try.

I have been watching this thread and others by Pat and I see the same thing happening to those of us trying to help that happened with the "other" person. We are going to talk and advise until we are "blue" in the face and no matter how hard we try to help, he is still going to go with his own decisions.

I wish you luck Pat, you have had some terrific advice, now at least try to follow some of it.

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

No, she NEVER responds to any of my e-mails, texts, or calls. I stopped trying 2 months ago. At first, I wrote her 3 long-winded e-mails begging for forgiveness, second chances, etc. She did write me back once, however, and perhaps she would have written me back again, had she not found out about the rebound girl I had. But she's probably even more angry at me now and this girl can hold a grudge forever.

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Then by all means, leave her alone, if not for yourself, then out of respect for her. Hearing from you will definitely not make her birthday happy, so just back off.

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Originally Posted by J_9

I quietly bow out of this thread as it is reminiscent of something blue, if you all get my drift. Nothing we say is going to help, he is going to do what he wants no matter how hard we try.

I have been watching this thread and others by Pat and I see the same thing happening to those of us trying to help that happened with the "other" person. We are going to talk and advise until we are "blue" in the face and no matter how hard we try to help, he is still going to go with his own decisions.

I wish you luck Pat, you have had some terrific advice, now at least try to follow some of it.

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No, no, I'm taking all of your advice this time. I didn't listen with that rebound thing, and it blew up in my face. I'm not going to contact my ex (havn't done so in 2 months) so no worries there.

It's just hard to deal with it. Which brings me back to posting here... I've been gone for a while, but her birthday is bringing all the healing to a hault. Then there's what would have been our anniversary... just days from now.

I'm still in a lot of pain, and even though I've gained a ton of muscle in the gym, got new clothes, am in the process of looking for a new place to live in the city, been hanging out with friends... all of it has failed to stop this hurt. I miss my ex a lot, and I keep thinking that what we had/have is something different. I know, I know. We all think that. But still.

That's the point the hurt will never stop but when you are healthy you will know how to deal with it. I know about that pain, and I know exactly what you ae going through, that why I can't just walk away and label you a loser. So you have vented, and its time to get some positive action going. Instead of dwelling on her, and your feelings, get out of self and help someone else. This forum is full of people who need a good word, or good advice, or just a jump start to get off the pity pot. Pay attention to the ones here who have moved along , they are still here helping others, the way they have been helped.

PatBateman,

I agree with ordinaryguy. If you really do care about her, leave her to enjoy her birthday. Seeking her out on her birthday in order to show her how much you've changed... What if it doesn't work out? Do you really want to be responsible for her memories of that birthday being anything but nice and happy.

I agree with the other posters, too. I advise against seeking her out. But if you really must see her... If you really can't get through another day without seeing her... Then fix to see her any old day of the week. Just not on her birthday or your anniversary. Keep those days of special memories special - don't screw them up.

Yes there are ordinary times.

You haven't given yourself and time to heal.
I have told you that 10,000 times at least.

By rushing into that rebound you thought you were over your ex. You weren't and you lied to yourself.

So just because you haven't had contact with her for a couple of lousy months doesn't mean you should think you are better and won't hurt.

You are going to hurt. What do you expect? You spent 6 years with her.

Contacting her though won't help. It will make you hurt more.

Please Pat, just listen for once and don't contact her..

Call a friend. Go for a run. See your family.

You have to ride the roller coaster for a while.

I do hope you listen for once!

I agree with Skell's advice, so not much more to add to this. What I would say is that I am 3 months post breakup and although I feel better than I did a month ago, I am not in any way fully over it yet. As for jumping into new relationships after your break up, it does not surprise me they ended swiftly because firstly they were rebounds and secondly, you still had feelings for your ex when you entered a relationship (if you can call it that) with them.

I do understand how hard it must be for you, I am struggling also but the best advice I can give you is to NOT send her a birthday card. That does not mean you are a bad person or that you don't care but you need to remain out of contact to protect yourself. I bet you have come a long way since day 1 of breaking up with her.

So don't ruin the progress you have made, work on yourself, work hard, study hard, go running (that works well for me), or to the gym or perhaps take up an old hobby...

I'm sure you have heard this all before and are being successful with it but I think sometimes we forget and need reminding..

I know I do!!

P.S.I know I said I did not have much more to add but I could not stop myself...

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to call her or contact her in anyway. I just needed a little support to keep going. And yes, thanks to all of you I've made a lot of progress since the break-up!

Good to hear Pat.

Keep moving forward. Sometimes we need a little wake up call when our thinking gets a bit skewif.

Remember your other posts and the advice you got in them. Perhaps it is time to go and re-read all the responses there!

There was heaps of good advice and it might be good to be reminded about how now is a time to concentrate on you and you only.

I never really understood how the holidays could be so hard on some people until tonight. I've been doing well since my girlfriend of 6 years dumped me back in July, but man, I've been having all sorts of nasty dreams and depressed thoughts about her.

Is there something wrong with me? Why is it taking so long? I'm not even close to being over her yet, despite having a rebound relationship a few months back and going out with friends all the time. I even got the dream job I've always wanted with a phenomenal salary... all of this fails to make me happy.

Is there anything I can do to make myself feel better? These thoughts are just eating me up. For example, I keep thinking back to this Facebook message I read that she left for one of her friends that said she was going to visit some guy at his school. I keep picturing her having sex with him and it makes me want to throw up.

Damn, this sucks.

It could be the very fact that this will be the first Christmas in 6 years that you will not be spending with your ex which is causing you to think and feel this way. I am going through a similar process after my ex of 3 years left me nearly 4 months ago and this will be the first Christmas in 3 years I will not be spending with my ex.

It is hard and I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You were with her for 6 years and spent a big chapter of your life with her. There will be ups and downs and if you truly loved her, then these feelings may always be there somewhere albeit not as much and the frequency of these thoughts and feelings over time will gradually become much less frequent until one day, it will probably be just a brief passing thought or feeling.

It is certainly not healthy to be thinking of someone else having sex with your ex but I don't for one second believe that this means there is anything wrong with you. I suspect that this too is part of the process you are going through too. Try not to think so much about the time issue. Just ride this Christmas through to the new year as best you can and surround yourself with friends and/or family and try your best not to think of her too much. I know its hard (believe me, I know) but the new year may help put thing into perspective..

Happy Christmas and New Year to you!

Geoff seems to have hot the nail on the head the holidays are always tuff spending them alone without your ex for the first time in a number of years ! The feelings and things that you have going on may be because you are still not totally over the break up ! I don't think that there is anything wrong with you... I guess deep down inside you may still be grieving about things and have issue's about the break up... You need to carry on keeping yourself busy with friends etc and enjoy being you and enjoy the life that your making for yourself.

First let me say, quit reading Facebook. Get rid of all things that are her. You can't fully move forward until you let it go which means losing everything related to her.

Also December for most people is a time when they stop and reflect back on the year that was. That's why a lot of feelings pop up in this month or around the holidays. Even if you had been feeling really good December is a month of reflection. January will get better for you because you'll start to see the entire year as a possibility of things to come. I'm not saying you won't think of the ex, but those memories will be from a different era. The era that was 2006.

Right on the money again Chuff.

Sorry, had to spread the rep. December is a time of reflection of the past year, January is full of anticipation of things to come.

You just need something to do besides having weird thoughts about your ex. Get busy fella.

The holidays are often very depressing for some people. Especially those who have experienced a major loss as that is the time they feel it most acutely. What you're experiencing is normal and common. Give yourself some positive self-talk and focus on all that's good in your life right now. Make a list of all the reasons you're better off without her. Keep on building your life like you've been doing.

It's been a while since I've posted here. My girlfriend of nearly 6 years broke up with me last summer and I've struggled with it every day since. At first, it was unbearable, but time does heal you up a bit and now I'm able to go days without thinking about her but the pain is still there. Sometimes I'll dream about her and when I'm driving my mind will start to wander, etc.

Everyone has told me to go out and better myself and I have. I landed my dream job, bought a new BMW and am in top physical shape doing bodybuilding, etc. Everything in my life is great except I miss my ex so much.

I still keep in touch with her dad and he'll give me updates every now and then. The latest was that she's moved out into the boonies of Mass. and is struggling to make enough money to afford a car to get around. It's a far cry from the city girl she used to be with aspirations of med school. I don't know who she's living with, but I'm assuming it's with the guy she met 2 weeks after she dumped me.

I have an old Audi that I don't drive that I told her dad she could have for free if she needed a car. I just want the best for her and I'd like to help her in any way I can. I still love the girl, and I simply cannot deny this.

Since she broke up with me, I went out and hooked up with different girls, and I've been on dates with several others. Nobody can compare. I just don't have the motivation or drive to open myself up or even give these girls a chance. After a few dates I almost push them away purposely.

I keep thinking that life is short and if I want something I've got to get it. She initiated no contact with me and hasn't broken or budged since. It's almost a year now.

I don't know what to do. It seems like this just won't go away. It's as real as it was the day it happened.

I don't think the updates from her father are doing you any good. You don't need know those things. In a way it is a form of contact and it won't let you heal and forget her. She is always being pushed into the front of your mind when she should be gradually getting further and further back.

Im about a year on from a 7 year relationship and I will admit that I still have my moments but they are very rare, less painful and I seem to get over it a lot easier. But they are still there. As I'm sure they will always be. I lost someone that was ver very special to me. More special than anyone I've ever met. So I don't expect to just completely forget about it. But in turn I won't let it control my life.

Is today just a bad day and your venting or is it as bad as you say every day??

My gosh dude, why are you still talking to her father?? Its over leave them alone and get back to the healing. We all have the days when those feelings creep back into our minds. Deal with it.

It's funny you should post this Pat, because I was thinking the same thing about my ex. Yesterday, in fact, I was thinking that I hated him and I would never take him back even if he tried (since he broke up with me for another girl). Then cut to today, I come home from work and miss him so badly I can barely stand it and am tempted to contact him. I have been through such misery over him this past year that I worry that I am losing my mind (ok... not literally : ). But why can't I get over him? I am truly starting to wonder if I will ever be happy again.

Like you, I have been focusing on my job, my workouts, my family, my friends (though many have been going through their own tough times lately) and keeping myself busy with random things like movies, etc. Even through a girls trip to Vegas last summer, I found myself in my hotel room crying to my best girl friend over my ex, missing him so badly. I feel like I was good to him, I loved him, I treated him well, yet gave him space etc. What did I do to deserve getting my heart broken so easily by him? I know I am just venting and will probably be feeling better in a day or two, but this really has nearly done me in emotionally. No one on the outside would know how I'm feeling because I kind of laugh it off to my friends, but inside I feel that I will never meet anyone that will compare to him again.

Why do people want to fall in love so badly when it leads to this. It has for me twice. I am 31 years old, have been in love twice, treated them both well and have had both of them break my heart for other girls... the first one cheated repeatedly then the second left me for another girl. How can I ever trust a guy again? Thus I worry that I will never have what I want in life. Wow... what a rant. Lol! Sorry guys. This just really sucks.

Pat, I feel your pain. How long does it take to be happy again guys?

Hmm I am happy quite allot of the time but not when I am alone :( Laughter is the best medicine as well as your friends and keeping busy. Over time I guess it gets easier like deaths. Time heals.

I really think it comes down to the fact that you aren't giving you're a chance to get over her. You are holding on to her through her father. Those conversations need to end. It might be tough to but it will be the best thing for you.