Sounds like codependancy, enabling, and low self-esteem (on her part). Sounds to me like she knew what she was doing from the start, kind of like a plan almost... I'm willing to bet that the way she treated you was probably how she was treated before and her way of revenge was by taking her pain out on her next man... either way, red flags are red flags so you should probably take responsibility for sticking around far too long after noticing her inappropriate behavior. There are plenty of women out there who would more than be thankful for a guy like you... :cool:

talaniman agrees: You have come a log way in seeing yourself and I think your getting it. Well said

Thanks Tal, I realize I'm in no way close to being there but I'm starting to at least understand myself and my mistakes more. The real test will be when someone becomes interested in me again and how will I react. Hopefully I will not fall into the same old trap. 30 years with this kind of personality is a lot to overcome in a short time. I appreiciate your kind words and I hope that I've been able to help you and others as I start to learn about relationships myself. I hope that people like Cali and myself also understand that there not alone.

I do agree with the above, but let me present one possible opposite point of view... just to help maintain persepctive:

Your ex was the "hot party girl" that liked being with her friends, going to "her bar", and getting attention from lots of guys. She was provocative in manner and dress, but never cheated and always came home to be with you. These were things that attracted you to her, and you accepted them.

Now, the things that attracted you to her in the first place have turned. They made you feel insecure about being with her. Partying at "her bar" invited too much competition, and you worried if you were enough for her.

She remained the "hot party girl" she was before, but you were no longer willing to accept that. It wasn't worth the connection you shared. Your lack of confidence in yourself made her loose faith in your comittment to her.

I'm not trying to fault you in any way - Just show you the other side of the coin. This girl is who she is, and does what she likes to do, and you could not accept that.

Your break up - at least in that context - was inevitable.
You two were not right for each other.

"And she would never let me go with her on those occasions, and she never liked going to "her bar" when she was with me."

Cali,
I know your struggling. You have lots of questions that you want answered. But believe me when you finally get the answers (IF you get them) they won't be the one's you are looking for. So just try and leave it all in the past. Look ahead. Not back.
You need to stop feeling so guilty about yelling at her. That happens. Not to the point of abuse but people do actually get a little angry and yell. So what!

Just give it time. Keep trudging along.
You will have days where you feel like you did when you posted this. So when you feel like that post here again if it makes you feel better.
But just give it time. That's all I can really offer. In time you will feel better to the point where you realise that you are so much better off without this person.
We have spoken about this before. YOU deserve much better then a lot of the treatment she dished out to you!
You are a good person. I don't think she is at all!

I know everyone is right. I'm just feeling so dejected these days. Not only do I feel the loss, but I also am stunned at the amount of emotional and mental abuse someone I cared so much for, put me through. And she had someone do that to her. How could she not learn from that experience and realize not to do that to another person?

She even admitted that she had never treated anyone as poorly as she treated me sometimes. And she also admitted that no one had ever treated her better.

And no matter what I do, my mental agony is just not passing. I'm working out, jujitsu, school, going out sometimes. But nothing is clearing my mind. I am having trouble concentrating on schoolwork. This whole thing is crushing my brain and having all this crap on my mind is awful. And she just left, without feeling a thing, and with no care in the world. She walked out, and feels no loss at all.

I just wish it go away. I was so happy with my life before I met her. I was on top of the world. She came from nowhere, I didn't ask for it. And now after, I'm just not the same. I don't know what I have done to have someone come and upset my life like this. It's crazy. I just feel so lost. I wish I was mentally stronger. I don't know what my problem is.

Many of you know my story by now. And I've spoken to Wildcat a bunch about it offline. Anyway, I think I'm posting more to vent than anything. There's really no advice that can be given I think.

So last Tuesday was the biggest day of my professional life. I'm a grad student and I had my qualifying exams. Basically the last big hurdle to pass in the pHD program. I passed with flying colors. Finished much faster than most people. It was incredible. Anyway, after the exam, my friends in the department asked me to meet them outside and kick it.

I go outside and meet up with my friends. I see that my ex-gfriend is about 20ft from the picnic table all my friends were at. She's smoking with one of her friends. Last time I saw her, I did say hi and was cordial. But she just was mean. So this time I didn't look at her or acknowledge her. I just went and sat with my friends.

My ex stood there having her cigarette with one of her friends. She knew that I had just passed my exam which all grad students know is the biggest thing in the program. I know she looked at me a couple times then finished her smoke and walked back into the building.

I didn't expect her to say anything. In fact, she doesn't care if I'm alive or dead. I know this. But despite knowing all this, I really felt angry at her. I mean this person took so much from me, and gave so little in return, and she couldn't even be courteous and say congrats on a very important day of my life. What is sad is, I helped her an incredible amount with her school work in every possible way.

Anyway, seeing her and seeing walk away without saying a word just added fuel to my hatred of her. But I don't like being so angry and hateful. I just wish she'd go away. I did not let my break-up with her affect my work. I succeeded. But it's hard to forget when she's still in my face sometimes.

I do everything in my power to avoid her. But last Tuesday was my day and I had no idea that she'd be at the same place I was at. My friends in the department say I have to let go of the hate towards her. I know they're right. But it's very hard. She's not even civil towards me. She couldn't care less about my exsistence. I had to be the adult when we were together and now I have to be the adult when we are broken apart. I'm just kind of sick of it and always having to take the upper hand. She doesn't deserve any kindness or civility from me.

I don't know, just ranting.

Well done! And congratulations, well at least she sees you are doing well. Who cares if she can't be civil, I find this a general thing with exes. I am lucky that I haven't come across mine YET in a public place etc. Try not to let it get to you, it's not worth it : )

That great DUDE!! Way to go on this exams!! Happy for you!! Outstanding!! This will help a ton in the long run.

It's OK to vent!! Vent away - great therapy.

I've been studying this stuff and I think made she always feels pressure around you - It's probably easier fro her t o ignore you. SHe can't be your friend right now for fear you might want to try and get back together.

I'd personally not want to be her friend - staying away is good.

Nothing like a good vent, or great rant to make you feel better. Congrats on passing your exams.

Well done on passing the exams! I'm sure you are very proud and should be, like Wildcat said, it will pay off later on.

Just one point I will make is that the very fact that you are dealing with this in a mature way (and always have by the sounds of it) should mean you can hold your head up high and stand tall with a smile on your face.

Sometimes I wonder if people really understand how they are behaving. I mean, if they were to step outside of themselves for one moment and see how they are acting, would they care or even understand that certain behavior is unacceptable? I am referring to your ex with what I am saying here.

Hey Rant away! Nothing wrong with that!

Ilov,

First, CONGRATULATIONS on your accomplishement!! WAY TO GO. I can not even imagine the effort it took to pull that off and in the style that you did... way to go again.

Let nothing or no one take the joy out of this accomplishement.! Or any for that matter.

I know you didn't ask for any advice or insight and this is just in general, but sometimes, people are unable to be happy and feel happiness for others due to their severe unhappiness with themselves.

Once again... CONGRATULATIONS!!

I agree, you really have delt with this well - and I know it's been impossible to deal with because you go to the same so school - I doubt I could handle it so well.

For someone so close to show their trure colors like that - ughhhhh!

Hey Cali,

Great to hear from you. I had been wondering where you have been. So now I know, studying hard no doubt.

Great news on the exam. Well done. I know the relief and joy of that!

I guess this proves what you, me, cat and everyone else already knew. This girl wasn't a very nice person and you deserve so much better.

So just rejoice in the fact that you didn't get caught up any longer with the horrible bi*ch she is and you are now moving forward in a healthy direction.

You will find someone one day that you deserve and treats you for the great guy you are.

Aren't you glad your not tied to this female by... babies.:eek:

Tal is right - you need to be thankful you're not with her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Well done on passing the exams!! I'm sure you are very proud and should be, like Wildcat said, it will pay off later on.

Just one point I will make is that the very fact that you are dealing with this in a mature way (and always have by the sounds of it) should mean you can hold your head up high and stand tall with a smile on your face.

Sometimes I wonder if people really understand how they are behaving. I mean, if they were to step outside of themselves for one moment and see how they are acting, would they care or even understand that certain behavior is unacceptable? I am referring to your ex with what I am saying here.

Hey Rant away!! Nothing wrong with that!!

---

I want to ditto EVERYTHING in this post, and add only this. You act like an adult for YOU, not her! That she benefits by that is only incidental. I am polite to even the rudest person, because to do otherwise is to let someone else decide MY behavior for me, to make MY choices. I may be powerless over you all but there is one thing I will not be is powerless over myself -- that is a terrible place to be! You, Cali, are on your power base and that is saying A LOT. Now all you need to do is reverse this too. How poorly she behaves is a reflection on HER, not you. Repeat this to yourself--- she owes me nothing, not even the least little speck of respect, and so therefore I AM FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST... GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST.

For some unknown reason, this week, my ex has been on the forefront of my mind. That whole 10mins of seeing her last week after my exam where she never said a word just set the ball rolling again. I have no idea why.

I'm fuming that she is so cold-hearted, and I'm also sad that I was so stupid for falling in love with her. Sounds crazy, but I honestly feel like she poisoned me. I didn't realize how angry I am and how just seeing her still hurts me, and ticks me off to no end. It's like I am still getting punished for ever dating her.

Anyway, I didn't show her any of this reaction, but jeez, I know what I'm feeling inside and it sucks. And I have upheld "NO CONTACT" like a champ. I never want to see her again ever in my life. No one has ever had so little respect for me in my life, and I did everything a man can do for their partner. I've seen boyfriends who have done a 1/10 as much for their girls and gotten 1000x in return. All I got was a jacket for my birthday which I don't even wear.

Being at school together will lead to random encounters I'm sure. It's really hard. Her presence is like a huge weight on my shoulders. I know I have to "let it go". I just don't know how. I honestly don't. I avoid her at all costs, I concentrate only on my school work, I go to the gym. I don't even go to department parties just so I can avoid her because I really can't handle seeing her.

It's hard to see someone who treated you like a nobody just waltz around feeling like they are perfect and nothing was wrong with them or that they did nothing wrong. Just makes me mad. I guess that idiotic part of me really felt that she would AT LEAST recognize that she was at fault about many things in the relationship.

Not that we would ever get back together, but at least she would realize some of the things I did not like were valid things. I guess it is totally normal for a 30yr old woman in a "committed" relationship to dress in a tight miniskirt and go flirt with her "friends" at the bar but NEVER EVER LET THEM KNOW SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND. OR NEVER BOTHER INTRODUCING ME TO ANY OF HER FRIENDS. LYING TO HER BEST FRIEND ABOUT DATING ME FOR MONTHS. NEVER LETTING ME HANG OUT WITH HER "FRIENDS". GIVING OUT HER NUMBER TO OTHER GUYS WHILE SHE WAS WITH ME.

This must be totally normal. Clearly, she did nothing wrong. She was perfect. And then after the break-up, she paid a shrink to validate everything she did so she wouldn't feel bad. What kind of friends does she have who told her this was okay? How do people like this exist? I even suggested to her we see a councelor together but she wouldn't agree to do that.

Anyway, before anyone suggests therapy, I have been there, and for me, it was pretty useless. They just repeated things I already knew.

I just know I am thoroughly frustrated. My mind is completely warped because I cannot forget the things she did and than just walked off laying all blame on me. It still haunts me. I just don't know what the hell to do. It's takes a lot to keep it all together.

Oh man I empathise completely
I had one of these situations at the very start of this year, girlfriend was totally why and just tried to destroy my reputation by spreading lies and stuff behind my back to everyone and in the whole relationship she was so completely and utterly selfish and I fell for her.. why? Lol when you look back on it, its pretty naïve huh?
Well my advice is, forget her!
She is obviously not good news and don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that your thinking about her. Keep up the no contact and find a girl who respects you, good luck!
I hope I helped
Oh and ps. If your feeling down at the moment never fear, one thing about life is that times do and always will change.

Hi Ilove,

Glad to hear from you, but so sorry under these conditions.

Okay, what to do. First, way to go with the no contact! Good for you.

Now this advice may see lame, but I am hoping it helps:

Start writing her a letter. Either on the computer, in a word doc or by hand. Write ever blessed thing you are feeling. All of it. The pain, the hurt and the anger. Write a good long one. BUT DON'T SEND IT. Write exactly what you are feeling, every syllable... but again.. DON'T SEND IT. It will at least get a lot off your chest.

Underneath it all, you are so hurt and that is so understandable. I am so sorry for your pain.

Now get writing :)... but plllllease don't send it.

And remember, We are always here.

I know its easier said than done but really don't worry about this bird.

Just have the knowledge that she'll get hers one day.

You come out of this thing such a better guy and have learnt so much that one day when you do find that someone special this will be so far in the back of your mind that you'll wonder why you let it get to you so much.

Where as she, well she will probably never be truly happy if she is how you describe.
She can seek all the validation from shrinks, friends, boyfreinds she likes. But if she isn't improving as a person then she will get hers.

So its OK to be mad. In fact I wish I had reasons to be as mad as you (I think I do anyway).

Your just continuing to heal and grow. She hasn't even begun, and probably never will because she doesn't probably even know what love is. And chances are if she keeps on acting this way, never will.

I know who's shoes id rather be in!

[QUOTE=Skell]
I know who's shoes id rather be in![/QUOTE]

Perfect Skell!!

Yup, would not want to be her!

First of all You're normal in your feelings. Yes I agree she was the party girl when you met her and hoped she would change once your relationship grew. But if we wanted the person we care about to change then the two of you aren't really meant to be in the first place. You had so much more emotionally invested in the relationship that she did. Where you were getting serious and wanted more, she was still in the casusal stage. She didn't see things as exlcusively the 2 of you. She wanted to play the field and her provocative dressing and not wanting you around would be a red flag to me. Having you around(no offense) would rain on her sexy parade. Not too many guys are going to pay attention to another mans girlfriend.
Where you see white picket fenses and three cats in the yard, she still sees strobe lights and partying on. Its not your fault that the 2 of you are on 2 different wave lengths. And you can't worry about her now. She's living her life the way she wants and you need to heal and mend your heart.
I think in her mind that she was done with the relationship and you yelling at her was the excuse she needed to walk away without any guilt on her part. AS having been dumped many times in my life, I can tell you it does get better and there is someone out therewho'll apreciate the boy next store you appear to be. (I did fall for him and we've been married 12 years)
Keep doing what you're doing. Take time for yourself and keep thinking you're a great guy and worthy of something better. You're worthy of someone who'll love to show you off and love and repect you for the individual you are.
Don't let a bad experience ruin your faith in womankind. Think of it as a bump in the road and you basically hit a pot hole with this one.
Acknowledge the hurt and admit you deserved better and don't settle until you find THE ONE. Men have just as much right to feel heartache as we women do. Time does heal. We just need to give it time and patience. And yes a lot of faith.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chippers

First of all Youre normal in your feelings. Yes I agree she was the pary girl when you met her and hoped she would change once your relationship grew. but if we wanted the person we care about to change then the two of you arent really meant to be in the first place. you had so much more emotionally invested in the relationship that she did. where you were getting serious and wanted more, she was still in the casusal stage. she didnt see things as exlcusively the 2 of you. she wanted to play the field and her provacative dressing and not wanting you around would be a red flag to me. having you around(no offense) would rain on her sexy parade. not too many guys are going to pay attention to another mans girlfriend.
where you see white picket fenses and three cats in the yard, she still sees strobe lights and partying on. Its not your fault that the 2 of you are on 2 different wave lengths. and you can't worry about her now. she's living her life the way she wants and you need to heal and mend your heart.
I think in her mind that she was done with the relationship and you yelling at her was the excuse she needed to walk away without any guilt on her part. AS having been dumped many times in my life, I can tell you it does get better and there is someone out therewho'll apreciate the boy next store you appear to be. (I did fall for him and we've been married 12 years)
Keep doing what youre doing. take time for yourself and keep thinking youre a great guy and worthy of something better. youre worthy of someone who'll love to show you off and love and repect you for the individual you are.
don't let a bad experience ruin your faith in womankind. think of it as a bump in the road and you basically hit a pot hole with this one.
acknowledge the hurt and admit you deserved better and don't settle until you find THE ONE. men have just as much right to feel heartache as we women do. time does heal. we just need to give it time and patience. and yes a lot of faith.

---

I know you mean well chippers but this thread is months old now and it has been discussed and thrashed out at length.

If you want to answer thread look for one that are a little more recent. Preferably the last couple of days.

It isn't a problem and we all make similar mistakes here so I'm not having a go at you.

Just letting you know that your good advice would be better off on a newer thread.

Thanks!

Hi all,

I used to be a fairly active member on the board a while back. Been busy with life and not offering or giving much advice of late. This was my first post way back when: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ice-30454.html

Much has transpired since then. For those of you in similar situations my advice is "ditch the b!tch" or for you women, "can that man" from your MIND. Never call her, seek her out, or think it will ever be the same. False hope is your worst enemy. I never gave myself any false hope. In fact, anytime I felt any of it, I thought of how nasty it is to just up and leave someone with no warning, and I used that anger to never want to be with her again. It is a tough process, it took me almost 5 months to fully get over her. But I did.

And since that time, I dated, and was intimate with some women, and I seriously dated a girl this summer. And my new girlfriend, as cliché as it sounds, was just as smart, better looking, younger and MOST IMPORTANTLY, much more affectionate and loving than the girl my original post was about.

SO WHOEVER DUMPED, MOVE ON!! YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT ELSE IS OUT THERE UNTIL YOU LET GO.

Anyway, my new girlfriend from the summer is gone now and I guess she is my new ex-girlfriend. I'm a graduate student and she was a summer student. We got very close, but I will never do an LDR, though my heart asks why, my head knows the answer to that why. And I already can feel the distance between myself and my most recent ex, even though we've been apart for only a week and a half. I think both of us would rather not get hurt, than take a chance on an LDR. And as I said, I have learned to let go based on my past experiences. Life has a way of working out if you DON'T FORCE THE ISSUE.

But I guess my point is, though I am sad she has left, I do not have any depression or anger this time. We had a wonderful relationship and it is now over. That is that. But I am grateful that I met her and we got close.

Anyway, read my first post for those of you who are in pain over an ex. It does get better, and better things await you as soon as you let go of the past.

Good luck to all of you with a broken heart. IT WILL GET BETTER.

--D

Good to have you back cali.