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There is no shame in this... I was told, OVER and OVER again to do exactly what we have been telling you, and I, countless times, ignored the advice, thinking that my situation was different. Finally, after slamming my head into a brick wall one too many times, I woke up, an started listening to everyone... Thank God I did! You will get there too.
Kc is right, he broke NC a few times and didn't follow our advice, hell we all did. Countless times I didn't follow the advice and found myself asking why. But then I got serious about NC and went 5 1/2 months of it until she tried talking to me and I felt like I was done and responded
Well, I am back to being sad again and afraid that I will lose her. I know that I need to move on. I know that I will find someone else. I know I will be happy again. I know I will learn from this experience. I know not to have no contact with her. I know she might not come back. I know I will heal.
I know all this but I feel like the world crumbled around me. I am not happy with having no contact with her. I am not happy with my own personal free time because every time I have fsome free time, all I do is think of her.
A4effort, go out and buy an xbox360(shameless plug) and then get XBoxlive(another plug) and then start playing some games. I am online from time to time when I get an chance, I'll game with you and even explain over the mic why you are better without her.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You've learned lots! But putting it into action is a whole lot harder than words on a screen. You will get through this.
Well you are only human and subject to weakness just like the rest of us.Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
Learn from this small relapse.
Regarding your previous post where you mention living through a genocide,first let me say I am very sorry for your pain.
You held your emotions in during that crisis in your life and now you fear that you will regress back to that behavior.
What you did then was an absolute tool for your emotional survival.
By regressing back to that now when you are free from the threat would be to deny yourself the emotional freedom to live life to the fullest.
Don't cheat yourself that way.Not all relationships are going to end this way and you have to believe that when one door is closed another opens,even if you can't see it at the time.I know that sounds very cliché but there is a real element of truth there.I am 54 yr.old and I have seen this so many times as to know that it is a fundamental truth.
Stay strong and don't be afraid to love or express yourself... don't cheat you!
I highly doubt she truly means any disrespect by what she said or is saying to you, although at face-value it is disrespectful. The more break-ups you have the better you'll be at discerning stuff like this.
She's probably jealous of her single girlfriends and you weren't an over-bearing, jealous boyfriend so she felt she could leave the relationship safely. If you were an assh**le, she may have stayed with you because she felt she had to, but that don't mean she'd really want to.
You can't expect to cut all ties with your ex right from the start. Recovering from a break-up is just like rehabilitating from an addiction, there's bound to be a relapse.
It's a damn shame you two go to the same school, even worse that you're in the same dorm. Next semester, get an apartment.
Thank you slapshot_oi and artlady. Your responses are very helpful and supporting.
Today, I had one FINAL (and this time I mean it, FINAL) talk with her about everything. I just wanted to end everything on good terms. There were some things that we still didn't agree on but we were able to understand each other well and how this needs to happen for both of us. We both still love each other and maybe one day when we meet again, we might discuss us and our relationship. I am not waiting or hoping for this moment and right now I will be taking this time to be single. That way I can rebuild myself. Afterwards, I will attempt to seek another relationship if that is something I am looking for at that time.
Even though this talk went as I wanted it to, I still feel like just crying and I am not the one to cry. With what happened in the past I have always hidden my emotions from others and myself.
I'm glad you were able to end things on good terms, many don't even get that chance. I think you're taking a good positive attitude towards this situation. It is going to be hard for awhile, but I'm sure you can do this. Whenever you're feeling down or just need to let things out - I hope you know that you can come back to this forum anytime and tell us how you're feeling or even to just keep us updated on your progress (which I hope you do).Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
I will make sure just to do that. There is still a long process ahead of me in healing myself.
Oh man! Today, I am experiencing another low. It seems the more time passes the more sad I get. I keep telling myself she is not coming back and am trying to keep busy. But my thoughts always go back to her. I really do think she is my true love but I can't do anything to be back with her.
Sorry to hear about your bad day, but it's to be expected. There's nothing wrong with you. There's a void right now. You have these feelings and this love but no place for it to go. It's normal.
During these stages of a break up you go back and forth from denial, sadness and anger. Detaching is heart-wrenching. Literally physically painful. Eventually you'll get to acceptance. It will happen.
I do agree that there's nothing you can do or say. Just keep busy. Being with other people--friends and family--and doing things you enjoy always helped me when I was in your shoes. We've all been where you are. Hang in there : )
There is no One True Love.
Period.
I love my wife dearly. She's a great woman. Smart, funny, sexy, motivated. Id like to think she loves me dearly too. ;) you'd have to ask her. I think she does.
Kidding aside... if I kicked the bucket today, I don't believe for one moment that there isn't another man on this earth that couldn't be good to her and good for her.
Its not that I'm indispensable. I'm just not that damn unique, with several billion peeps running around.
Likewise, I don't think for one moment it diminishes my love for her to say that, if we weren't together, in time I could find another love as true and right as hers.
I dispise the term Soul Mate.
On the boards here you usually see that used when someone is trying to elevate their relationship above all others, so "normal" logic can be ignored or doesn't apply... or they are young and haven't experienced several good loves.
So... as I've said before here on this thread... its going to suck.
You are going to have highs when you feel like you are doing the right thing... and then there will be days, or most likely nights, when your skin is almost crawling you are so out of place.
Been there myself.
Knowing where you need to be for yourself just doesn't shake off the lows that you are going to experience.
Hell... I felt like crap for almost a year with my first Big Love Lost.
Eventually I got bored, more pi$$ed at her, and finally... FINALLY... I met another good woman. Sure, even that relationship didn't last, but it was a step forward.
So expect to feel like crap. Its going to happen.
Today, is a great example of the ups and downs. I started of sad as it can be. But than she texted me and said she was feeling like crap. I broke the rule once again but it ended in my favor. I told her I was not feeling well either. She asked me what I was going to do to get better and I said continue listening to my head instead of my heart. Once I told her that she did not text me back and I did not care about how she felt. But who knows how long this strong moment will last.
Hey, Kp2171 said it all. He is 100% correct. Could not have been said better.
There really is no such thing as a soul mate. There are many different women with whom you can be perfectly happy, content, in-love and compatible.
That's how you learn about yourself and who you are and what you want.
Yeah, the lows suck, and he's right, the nights are worse. Only the passage of time and less and less contact (preferably no contact--you seem to be weaning yourself) is going to heal you.
A broken heart needs time to heal just like a broken bone. No one said it would be easy. But we are all saying that it will get better and better.
Yeah, well its funny because I am so no to this "love" thing. Nobody ever told me things such as what has been told to me above about soul mates, etc...
I am just bouncing high and low with my emotions. Today I started sad, than became confident, and now the second I came home from work I became sad again. Her door was open and my stupid head decided to go in there and casually talk for a little bit about her day. Afterwards, I decided to go into my room where I am now but I have the bigget urge to be with her. I keep telling myself "DO NOT GO TO HER" and it almost seems like I am fighting with myself. I have 3 midterms this coming week so I have plenty to do but my head just can't focus.
Every time you break NC you get a temporary fix and then you feel worse after.
It's not easy but it takes time , so start healing by being vigilant with NC. Otherwise your just delaying the process.
Ok, I deleted her phone number off my speed dial and phone, I removed her as a Facebook friend, and hid (not throw out because I couldn't get myself to do it) every little thing of hers that was in my room.
It hurts so bad to have to do this and I feel like horrible. The last time we spoke she told me that she wants to be with me (and I know her feelings are true) but right now she just needs space. She is not even going on dates anymore. She says once she comes back she will be ready to commit for a long period and into marriage. But now the fact that she is 19 and so young, she cannot get herself to commit to me. I never asked her to commit to me for that long. All I asked her was that she would not regret being with me if another man came along.
I will do my best this week before vacation to adhere by the NO CONTACT rule. I need to do this for myself, otherwise a.) I will lose her forever and b.) I will never heal and be ready to move on.
Well, she just found out that I removed her from Facebook. She barged into my room and asked if I did that to her. I said yes and told her that I also removed her from my phone and hid all the stuff she gave me. She didn't say a word but tears started showing and she went back to her room.
I feel horrible for causing her this pain but it needs to be done. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!
Think of the pain she's causing you , it was her choice remember.
Time to start worrying about yourself , not her.
She's hurt, too, because she really does want you to be around for her when SHE decides she wants a committed relationship.
I'll say it again, time needs to pass without contact. It's the best thing for you both to cool off, collect your thoughts and find out who each is without the other.
She knows she needs to go out and meet the world, and you know, she isn't all wrong. You both need to do that. 19 is way to young to be committing yourself for the rest of your life.
She is wrong, however, to expect you to be able to handle going from boyfriend to instant best friend and hearing about her dates with other guys!! That's craziness. If you were to have that kind of friendship, which you may, it could not happen for some time.
I agree with the statements above. Every time you do have contact, it's like ripping off the band-aide. Stop the bleeding=NC
Well, since I did not have any will do study, I decided to hang out with some friends who invited me to this pancake night. I met couple new people and had fun. I did not think about my situation and had fun.
BUT, as I was walking to my room, my ex walked put the bathroom and we met face to face in front of another friend. She was very upset and clearly has been crying the whole time I was gone. She knew that I left with friends and that I had fun. I told her I wish I could be there to comfort her but I can't at this point. She understood and told me to go. She said that she is not sure if what she wants is what she actually wants.
Survivor07: You are totally right. There is a part of me that does not blame her for doing what she is doing but there is also a large part that does not understand her completely. She is 19 and I am 20 and that is way too young to commit to each other. I do know that once she goes home for break, her parents will straighten her out and make her OK being away from me. I will need to recover and heal fast so that when she does come back from break I will be able to accept this new change. I will need a lot of support if this happens over break because I want her to be happy but I do not want her to loose all relationship related feelings towards me.
Don't worry, her feelings are going to be there for a while. It's a shame you see her so much. Since total NC is impossible, the mature thing is to be civil. Sounds like you were this time.
"Recover and heal fast" LOL If only it were that easy... The pancake night, going out, new people--you're on your way : )
You wanting her to be happy is nice, especially since you've been so hurt and angry.
She's conflicted, confused. A break at home isn't going to fix that. She'll still be confused when she gets back. Leaving the comfort zone (you) is not easy.
The good part is some real NC will be taking place.
Then go from there. Have fun and TRY to study. That's why you're there!!
So I ignored her, moved on, and started having fun again. She on the other hand realized that I moved on and decided to come back to me. She said that I cannot image my life without you and I want to be committed to you. She said once I decided to just say "f** you, I am moving on," she wanted me back. She said that the strength I displayed was very attractive. I told her I need to think about it because she has hurt me greatly and that it would take a lot of time to regain her trust. So I need to decide if I want to explore myself and move on or take her back and work on what we had.
WOW!! That was great... She took you back...
That will probably last for another 6 months till she regains control and you become little biy again with no balls and she will toss you to the kerb agaibn.
Maybe get some knackers cause I reckon she has been running the relationship. Yourve done the right thing here and obviously you want to be with her, but please this time show her your in charge, if she isn't happy then so be it!! This girl cam back cause you showed some backbone!! Keep it up or you wikl soon be gone again!
Good work...
No easy answer here.
Getting back together doesn't mean much if the root causes of your troubles are not solved. Sure... I'm not surprised that your showing backbone has her intrigued. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe it's a real reality check. Maybe it's a side of you she didn't expect. Maybe she's afraid you are moving on before her and shed rather be the one to be over you first.
When someone breaks up with you, or pushes the situation to that edge, they've been thinking about it for some time, most of the time. You might be kicked in the teeth and completely disoriented, but chances are, they've been living with the breakup on their mind for some time. I know that you, technically, broke up with her, but really... c'mon... she cornered you. Forced your hand. You at least had the guys to say "no way" to hanging around and waiting.
You shouldn't have to say "screw you" to get a person to pay attention to you. She might have a genuine change of heart... but id really hold back at this point.
What do you have to prove to her? Nothing. She has a lot to prove to you. She doesn't take you back, you take her back. Or not.
I know NC is hard to do based on your living so close, friends, etc. fine.
Like mckensie said, if you let her back in, you need to do what is right for you and not focus on what is right for the relationship. You don't need to be a pr!ck to be in control of yourself... and bending to her whims isn't going to get you anywhere but back in this same place.
At this point, I don't trust her.
Even if I honestly believe what she's said, I don't trust that any of the issues are solved. At her age, a desire to explore, even when in a loving relationship, is common and natural. I don't think those feelings are gone... just being repressed for the time being.
And on your side... remember NC isn't about winning someone back. Its about clearing your head and thinking about what is right for you. If she doesn't come back and you choose to let her back in, fine. Your call. Just know the moment you start focusing on her and on you two as a couple, you are perhaps giving up some of that clarity you had when you took that needed, hard step back.
So... if you are back together, make sure you are still holding back some... you need that perspective... and you need her to talk about what she was feeling and what is different now.
Seeing that you were moving on isn't enough to make things right in the long run. That's just a fear of being left behind.
Well, I decided to take her back but I made a clear point to her that I do not trust her yet because I do not know if her feelings are genuine or if she was just afraid. I told her that we need to work on our relationship in order not for the bad things to repeat themselves. I asked her for space and time. I also told her that she has a lot to prove to me because I do not believe that she can commit to me this early in her life. I do not want marriage or anything but I do want a meaningful relationship with a person who feels the same way I do. I will see how the next 2-3 months go and decide if her feelings are genuine before I put my full support into the relationship again.
Right now you may feel like you will not be able to find someone else like here, but in all reality there are a million other women that you will again someday feel like you will never find anyone else like them. Breakups are hard, but time doesn't stand still while you sit and feel bad about all of this. Make the best of your time, and look look for all of the happiness that is all around you.Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
A4, I really don't think this is a wise idea. There hasn't been much time to think about things or put the relationship into proper perspective. Sure everything feels like it is falling back into place because she's coming back, but examine her reasons for coming back, because she thought she was losing you. Which means, to me, that she views you as a possession, something that is hers and when you are always right there for her, she has nothing to worry about. And when she feels she is losing you, she tosses on the waterworks and then you are hooked right in.
Nothing has been fixed! What is going to be any different?Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
She has proven again that she has the upper hand and you have not done any work on the relationship.
Loving is the easy part ,it just is. Keeping it together and healthy takes work.Work can only happen if both people are on the same page and have the same realistic expectations.All that has been learned is that she could crush your world in a minute.
You need to get some books for couples and study them together.
Don't get so caught up in being back together that you forget what got you split.You can't just sweep it under the rug and expect everything to work out because you have love on your side.I wish you the best and I really hope you work work work to make this relationship as healthy as possible!
Would love to know what she said to that!Quote:
A4Effort;1584384, Well, I decided to take her back but I made a clear point to her that I do not trust her yet because I do not know if her feelings are genuine or if she was just afraid.
So you got back together, and need time and space? You had that without her, already. Failing to see how thats constructive.Quote:
I told her that we need to work on our relationship in order not for the bad things to repeat themselves. I asked her for space and time.
Thats more of a threat, than a reasonable request, and I again fail to see how this is constructive. Your setting up some unreasonable boundaries that may have her trying to please you and not out of love and care. Sounds more like punishment for past behavior and a way to get revenge by her stroking your ego. Whats the good in that? Not very healthy approach to partners working together.Quote:
I also told her that she has a lot to prove to me because I do not believe that she can commit to me this early in her life.
So to stay with you, which is questionable, she has to jump thru hoops to please you, and you think that means she feels as you do? Think again, as your setting the boundaries for what she should do for you, but what about some equality here for how she feels. That would be working together, as opposed to her doing what YOU want her to do.Quote:
I do not want marriage or anything but I do want a meaningful relationship with a person who feels the same way I do.
So unless she meets your standards, you will not give this relationship your full support?? Whats the point of getting back together if your going to have all your preconditions? Thats not what a healthy caring loving relationship is all about, so again, whats the point in being together again?Quote:
I will see how the next 2-3 months go and decide if her feelings are genuine before I put my full support into the relationship again.
This sounds more like revenge and control to me, and that would be a recipe for disaster, and a waste of time.
Sorry guy, I just don't see this working.
This is not going to work out, you are putting far too much stress and boundaries to her. Relationships are and will forever be 50/50, and you flat out said you aren't going to give it your all until she wins you over. This is emotional terrorism at its best, you make her feel beneath you, yeah that's a great way to keep a girl. See you in a month wondering why she left your arse.
I hope you are wrong in this last statement because I am willing to put in a lot of effort to make us both happy. I am still new to this long term relationship since I am only 20. So, that is why I appreciate the advice on here so much. My partner and I also talked about going to a relationship counselor to seek further advice.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
We both acknowledged our faults and what we need to work on. We are working on it as we speak and we also are looking to get some help from a relationship counselor.Quote:
Originally Posted by artlady
Threads merged as a continuing story
. Since we have been back together I have been having problems with trust. We need to work on a few things in order not to replicate the past. But, I seem to always come back to the trust issue. How do I know if she will do it to me again? She is 19 and in college. How can she change her mind within a week and tell me that she won't have any of those thoughts again? I do not think she can. I just do not want to be pulled along for another couple months and than have the same thing happen.
I need to learn how to deal with this because if I do not it will hurt our relationship. We were talking about how we will have to be apart this summer (4months) since she lives about 4 hours away from college. We talked about how she will be looking for internships. I told her how awesome it will be for her this summer working at an internship. Than I said that she will probably meet someone and leave me again. She didn't like that but I managed not to get into an conversation about it over the phone.
So how do I go about this?
You don't know she won't do it again and she more than likely will if you keep throwing it back in her face.
You are putting yourself down by saying "you will probably find someone else and leave me" I am already seeing a weakening of the backbone here. That's such a p*ussy thing to say.
You came to this site to get help getting over this girl. Advice was given and you chose to use the "getting over her" advice in getting back together.
Its obvious she would try and worm her way back in once it was obvious you weren't giving a damn but I can guarantee this relationship won't last another 2 months.
I have had the same experience with a girl once I started going out with other girls and being friends with my ex telling her about me having a laugh with my mates and going to clubs meeting girls she got jealous. Phoned me telling me how much she wanted me back. I fell for it hook line and sinker just as you have. I then became available for her like I used to falling back into the same routine which lost her in the first place. Sure enough if was over again.
Its up to you.
Being in a relationship is the biggest leap of faith there is.You have to believe that the love will sustain.Quote:
Than I said that she will probably meet someone and leave me again. She didn't like that but I managed not to get into an conversation about it over the phone.
There are never any guarantees.
Being in a relationship is like jumping out of an airplane, it's great as long as someone cared enough to pack your parachute.
So how should I go about this since I am already making mistakes. I am not asking to give me step by step advice but rather some general tips on what to do/what not to do.
This is EXACTLY why we told you not to get back together. You can't just magically fix your issues by getting back together. You have self confidence issues, and no amount of love you get from your girl is going to change that. Being apart, and rebuilding your life, around things that you like and building yourself up, learning to love yourself, was key in being able to develop future relationships... I am not sure what you can do, other than enjoy what looks to be a short ride my friend.
For once I am going to disagree with everyone here. This will not be a short term relationship. I am committed on my part to put in the effort in making this relationship work. We acknowledged what needs to be worked on. I know I do not have self confidence issues in general but some lack of confidence has been shown in this thread. But what do you expect, it is a break up thread about my first big love.
Yes, I am still having issues with what she has done to me and I do not know how to go about that. If I am wrong about all of this, than when we do break up, I will have know that I gave it all my best and won't regret having broken up.
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