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You broke up for 3 months, but you only had no contact for 1 week. So your actually healing process only started 1 week ago.
Stop contacting her or else you will drag out the pain and you're going to restart the healing process.
1 week is not enough, give yourself way more time than that.
I wish is correct, your healing just started, and you will have to go longer than a week of not contacting her, before it gets better.Quote:
We've been no contact for only a week right now
Yeah I'm really really sticking to it this time. Some people on other message boards and in my life have told me that it's immature to not speak to her and I should be able to have some sort of relationship with her and should not ignore her. She also would tell me that when she called me.
Its in now way immature to not talk or ignore her. You are just doing the right thing for yourself which everyone has to respect! In any normal friendship ignoring someone is definitely considered rude or immature but an ex-girlfriend after a break-up is not your friend and very rarely can be a friend in the normal sense of the word. There's too much history. If you are on the receiving end of someone leaving, its your right to do whatever helps you! Keep strong!
I feel I'm pathetic because of the amount of time I still think about this girl, and the amount of importance she still weighs in my life. She is doing nothing to stay as my girlfriend, so why do I devote still almost all of my thoughts to her? I'm only on 12 days of NC, but we haven't had constant contact for a long time now
Everything I think my brain still just immediately links to her in someway. And everyday my brain wonders to a new point for me to feel bad about not having her. She contacted a friend of mine the other day which doesn't help. He told me about it and I didn't ask for any details, but it was nothing special.
I'm scared of life without her. The past 3 months have been a blur, everything seams surreal. Everyone says time will heal it, but time only makes me realize why I love her so much, why she's so special, and why she was that me to above all other girls. :(
Hang in there dude, we all go through the adjustment of unattaching ourselves. Its like kicking drugs, cold turkey. You can do this.
Ok, there is an update on this situation and I need help.
I have blocked my ex on every message system, in an attempt to give up all hope. Right before I initiated no contact for almost 17 days, I wrote an email explaining every true feeling I had. I told her it was the last time I would talk about those feelings and it was. I asked her to sit down and talk as two people who care for each other more than anything in the world, and not waste something so special. She responded by when she is ready.
Following all of that I never responded and she called from a random number last night. I try to ignore all random numbers and on the third call I answered. She told instantly to not hang up and I told her I didn't want to talk to her again. She got emotional and told me that I was an idiot then. I said OK what's up. She said no you were being an , don't call back. I said don't worry I won't and I didn't.
This ate at me all night and morning until my best friend told me she got some texts from her last night. I read them and she wanted to sit down and talk to me. But she said I blew my chance because I was being a jerk. (which in my tone everything was rude, but understandable. I had no idea she had intentions of really seeing me.)
Do I call her and say I'm sorry for being a jerk, whats' up? Or do I wait for her to call me again, because I think she will. Or do I have my friend ask her how the talk went last night, and hint to call again. Help? I really truly love her and would love to work it out.
Let me know when your ready to do something for yourself and not her.
Don't you think 3 months is long enough to keep going through this mess?
You have been given good advice, and the tools, and how to use them. Now get the job done.
It's hard. I know it is. But be honest with yourself. Is any of this healthy? Is this what two healthy people do? You have fantasied about her for 3 months now and getting back together. But have you fantasied about what you would do? Have you tried to figure out how you can be stable and in control? Tal's right, it's time for you to do something for you. Your not even yourself anymore. Your just a guy hanging on to a dream, but you have completely lost yourself. What are you doing? How you are you improving?Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I've done a lot of things for myself. I've decided where I'm going to school, to quit the baseball team as a senior captain to have fun with my friends on the golf team because it's what I actually wanted to do, and not just what I'm used to. I've hung out with other girls, gone no contact for a decent amount of time before I got a call from a random number. I was doing all right before all this last night.
But the thing is, I love her. I can't see myself with any other girl, and I've had 3.5 months away from her. I would never hurt her again, ever. I've matured so much, learned so much about me, who I want to be, who I want in my life, what kind of person I want to be, how to treat people, and so many other things. And one thing I validated in my time apart are my feelings towards her. We have an amazing connection and if we do get back together it would be 100% fine and no awkwardness.
The emotional rollercoaster I rode wasn't healthy, but I think in the end all of this was for the best, no matter the outcome.
But for now, do I just wait for her to call me again? Or do I go out of my way now..
You wait for her to call you. Even in that call from the other night, you told her you didn't want to talk and she called you an idiot. Then you continued talking to her. That isn't healthy. That is her verbally abusing you (granted it's not the biggest insult ever) and you not being strong enough to stop her from doing it. You should have called her on that, and told her, you are not going to be her emotional whipping boy, and if she wants to talk to you she talks to you respectfully, and if she does, you'll offer her the same in return. This is part of what Tal is talking about. You have to be strong for yourself before you can enter into a relationship with her or anybody else.Quote:
Originally Posted by jman123h
Ok. Now I feel I'm waiting for her call. Hope has been restored where before I was completely hopeless, and trying to move on. I haven't made any progress in either direction in the past 5 days and don't know what to do about it. I haven't heard from her so I'm anxious. I am starting to have vivid dreams of her in them again, which hasn't happened for weeks. I think about her so much more, and now I reminisce so much more than I should be. Should I just pick up the phone and call her? I feel like I'm waiting around now.
I think you have missed the entire point. NC is not about waiting her out. It's about building your confidence back up and finding yourself. It's about filling that void that you currently feel, on your own. NC is about doing for you, because you can and you deserve it. Under no circumstances should you call her.Quote:
Originally Posted by jman123h
You just keep waiting, eventually she will call. Just keep sitting there. When this thread has reached a thousand posts we will tell you the same thing, and you can ask what should you do.
Reread your thread.
Sheesh. You are going to get roasted mate.Quote:
Originally Posted by jman123h
Over the past few months your yearning for this girl has turned into a gilt edged fantasy.
I've read all the posts and you really don't know how to let go (mind you, neither does she). I suspect it will all turn pear shaped, but the ball is in your court now.
See if your new found 'maturity' stands you in good stead, or whether this is a fantasy as well.
I wrote this on March 17... which surprised me because I remembered it quite clearly, but none the less that was 6 weeks ago. When are you going to apply what we are saying?Quote:
Originally Posted by chuff
She wanted space, I gave it to her. I went NC a ton of times. She couldn't do that and has finally realized that being apart isn't what she wants. Why is it a problem that I get back together with her? I love her very much still. I've learned a lot in our time apart, and I'm ready to be with her again. Never did our relationship together involve jealousy, or fighting. Just because she actually came around means it can't work?
Go for it guy, its your life, so its your decision. I hope your right, and I'm wrong. I really do.
If she's not forgiving you your not meant to be
Ok. I called. At first it didn't go the why I had hoped because she was pissed I blocked her number and such. She then had to call me back and when she did we were able to talk a lot. She forgives me for what I did, now just isn't sure if she can trust me enough to build a relationship together again and go apart to college. She said she really has to think about it, still loves me and misses me so much as a boyfriend and a best friend. We are meeting up today to talk in person because we haven't seen each other in a month. I really hope all goes well.
I think you guys were right. I went out on a limb to see what really was there and it turns out it probably won't work out. She said she still has some thinking to do, but she shouldn't need to if I'm what she wants. When we talk again I'm going to tell her we really can't speak ever again.
I know I should have listened, you guys are right 99.9% of the time. You've been through it all. I, like everyone else thought I would be different. But I'm not. I felt that with how beautiful this girl is, and how she was the one person who was so much more special to me than anyone else, and because that person I can confide in, that it was worth a shot. And I guess it was, but I'm hurt again, and one day I'll find someone who may not be as perfect physically as she is, but someone who won't give up when things get hard, someone who cares and wants to be there forever, and who loves me for every flaw I have.
I'm pretty sure we'll talk today, and I will tell her that I never want to speak to her again. My first goal is 30 days NC. I got to 17 before this mess. Thanks for the advice from everyone. I'm going to make it through just like everyone in the past.
I know it sucks, but sometimes you just have to live it, in order to understand it! As has been said in other posts, you can't put a decision about your life in the hands of another person. You've just got to 'take the bull by the horns' and do it yourself.
Life is a journey, not a destination. You learn your lessons by travelling life's road, as you're discovering.
Big lesson number one - physical good looks do not a good relationship make. Forget about the arm candy - it's an ego thing. Look for someone you can love for the same reasons you want them to love you: someone who won't give up when things get hard, someone who cares and wants to be there forever, and who loves me for every flaw I have.
Ok. It's time for all of you to say I told you so. We talked a bunch this week and decided to get together and talk. We did and the outcome was that we want to be back together, both of us. But in 3 months we will be in college, and we may have broken up to do that anyway. She is someone with very high anxiety and said she doesn't know if she will be able to trust me 3 months from now while we are 6 hours away and can picture herself in her dorm freaking out because she doesn't know what I'm doing. So the decision was it's just terrible timing and I don't know if I can trust you. So, I guess it's my fault but there have been many many lessons learned. But if it was meant to be we would be together.
However it was nice to hear that she still really loves me. Now I'm back on the no contact train for 3 days now with one destination, and that is being completely over it. It's the absolute hardest thing to lose someone who is the biggest part of your life, someone who you never thought would leave, especially when you take them for granted.
Love is an amazing thing and I guess I should be lucky that I experienced it for the first time so young. Life is going to take me to many places and maybe not right now but one day I'll be able to love again and believe that someone else is the one for me and see past every imperfection they have.
Thanks for everyone's help, even when I was being stupid and stubborn. Any more advice at this point?
Enjoy life... enjoy college... enjoy being single. Simple huh? Seriously, just enjoy what you have coming to you! Good luck!Quote:
Originally Posted by jman123h
I, along with everyone else reading this thread, see something very clever she did in that last sentence.Quote:
Originally Posted by jman123h
However, I'll reveal that to you later, what are the lessons you have learned?
Oh wow, a lot of things. I've done a lot of thinking in the past few months so..
1. never, ever cheat. Break up and wait a week if you're that tempted.
2. never hurt someone you love. You only hurt yourself.
3. don't take advantage of something or someone, regardless of you think it will always be there.
4. let time take its course. After a break-up, go NC as fast as possible, it will either bring you back or let you both go on your way.
5. never forget to do to the little things that makes your special someone happy.
6. don't let success on any level let your head grow. Stay true to who you are and be modest.
7. alcohol or any drug or influence is not responsible for any action.
8. if you make a mistake, accept it, learn from it, move on, because everyone else along with the world will.
9. when you're so in love and happy, enjoy and cherish every kiss, every hug, every moment that makes you feel time stops or nothing else matters.
10. What type of person I want to be.
11. Try to be optimistic about everything, now that it's over, enjoy the freedoms of being single and being an individual while I can, because there will be another relationship some day.
12. If I am ever the break-er, be concrete, try not to give hope if there really is none, but even if there is don't let them hold on to that.
13. Sneaking around isn't fun, the grass is never greener on the other side, you're only going to hurt someone in some way whether no one finds out and you're guilty, or if your gf/bf finds out. And chances are the one you have is better than the one you're sneaking around with.
14. What morals I have and wish to follow.
15. What I want out of life.
16. What type of people I want in my life.
17. There will be someone else, and everyone can love again.
18. Sex with someone you love is so much different and more meaningful and better than with someone you don't love.
19. I'm a dedicated, determined person. I'm going to be successful and there is no one stopping me from reaching my goals.
20. You don't have to be in love to be happy.
That's it for now, how's that?
I'll keep a pen with me and write down more if I think of them..
Quote:
Originally Posted by jman123h
Wow, nice. You sure have learned a lot out of this whole thing. Good for you man.
It's been 20 days of NC, my best ever and I show no signs of turning back. However, today I'm having a bad day, heard some stuff that wasn't too pleasant through the grape vine and I need some words of wisdom or something to jump start me back on track to where I should be going. Anything?
Yeah, here are some words of wisdom: Screw your ex, what she does with her life has NOTHING to do with your life. Don't drink the Kool Aid, you are better than that. Keep moving forward no matter what.
First, congratulations on the 20 days.
If you don't mind me bragging a little read this post I put up the other night about people leaving your life to make way for something better. I think you might find some strength there.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ps-357516.html
Whattup 35 days? Haha. Yeah I'm that far along but today I ran into a problem. The one girl that my ex absolutely hated because we hooked up during a month long break up 2 summers ago has become my best friend. We have kissed a little bit in a stupid way but no one really knows about it and it's not serious and not a continuing thing at all. She really is my really good friend. However, she was my prom date and we have been in a ton of pictures together online and 35 days after me and my ex last spoke when she said that she just can't do it and it's not what she wants she decides to text my friend, the girl she hated.
In the text it read "The fact that you have reamined a total home wrecking slut for 3 years of my life is remarkable. I really hope Joey(me) is all you wanted him to be from the beginning.. but just to warn you, he cheated on me with a bigger scum bag than yourself. All you need is fake nails and a gross tatoo and you guys can be twins."
My friend responded by saying that we are absolutely nothing and just friends because we are, and that she is also off a break up, and that if she has any problems she should talk to me and not her. Now my friend won't tell me what my ex said back because I'm sure it was rude or hurtful towards me..
But what do I do about all of this? I instantly thought about breaking NC but her number is blocked and I was able to control the urge. Im not going to do that. But what if she calls? She's the one who is out doing whatever she wants, and I've heard about some really drunk stupid pictures she's taken and rumors about things she's done, so who is she to do this to me now when I actually am not hooking up with girls and doing stupid things like that that I wouldn't have liked her to do when she was my girlfriend..
I don't understand why you are asking this question... who cares what your ex does, thinks or sees? Live your life, have fun and don't give a damn about the ex.
Her number is blocked, and if she uses another number don't talk to her, be to busy with IMPORTANT things, and hang up!Quote:
But what if she calls?
You don't break NC for dumb drama like that.
If she calls and you do pick up, thank her for the time she wasted calling you and hang up
Congratulations to you and a lesson to be shared with others about the value of NC. You have just beat your ex in the game of life. Your ex got the hint via NC that you were no longer into her and jealousy creeped it's ugly way into her life causing that emotional outburst towards your friend. If anything, it helped you with your friend who now sees through no action of your own that value you must have because of the actions of someone who comes off unstable, while you sit back and come off looking great if this is the kind of reaction you illicit a break up.Quote:
Originally Posted by jman123h
She's trying to get a reaction from you - and it worked didn't it?Quote:
but what do I do about all of this? I instantly thought about breaking NC but her number is blocked and I was able to control the urge. Im not going to do that. But what if she calls?
Clearly she's just a silly twit (from what she texted to your friend) and you're well rid of her.
Act like she doesn't exist. Don't answer any of her calls or, if she does call, hang up.
It will drive her crazy.
Sounds like you made your bed , now you need to sleep in it-this time by yourself. Leave her be for a while. You screwed up, you know that, and you want things all better now. Well, sometimes enough is enough for partners who don't feel loved, or like they are the only one. You won ( team), and that's great, but sounds like you left her out and treated her like $--t. As far as the other girls, dude you probably blew it, face it. You're going to have to walk on water to get her back. Move on if you're not ready to change. Good luck.
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