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Originally Posted by starbuck8

KC, with all due respect, and I'm sure you know that your advice here is valued, I have seen the NC threads go on and on. There has been at least 3, with 1500 posts each. This is not just something that should just be a simple "roll your eyes" and leave already-- situation. Until you've been in a controlling relationship, you don't understand the dynamics. It's a very hard situation to deal with. I'm having a bit of a hard time explaining how this is a different thing between men and women, but it really is.

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With all due respect, I am the first one to advise her to leave this relationship. I did not try to downplay the seriousness of the situation. I think there have been 6 pages of people trying to make the warning signs she has mentioned very apparent, which is why I said that. I apologize if I offended. I am well aware of the dangerous situations that arise with these types of relationships. I also understand it isn't as simple as her just leaving...

I will bow out now. Sorry to make light of a serious situation.

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Originally Posted by AmExp

WHILE THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. I keep having this dream that if I were to leave him or something bad were to happen that he would choke me or something...not sure why because I do not feel threatened being with him and he would probably cry if I told him that ( he is a VERY sensitive man).

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Ahhh! Sensitive man! OH WOW! Are you sure you're not dating my ex? Sensitive along with all of the other things you have mentioned is just a concoction of a bunch of things getting ready to explode!

Yes Starbuck. You are right there are two sides to every story. I would like to talk to her about it but that would never happen. The strange thing is that He is more worried about me leaving him. He is just THAT WORRIED about it.

The funny thing is, he thinks I am a tough chick. We have had some close calls and I have not cried and begged him to come back once. I think that bothers him because he is used to that.

The best thing about this situation is the fact that it is still relatively new. It's only four months. He bought you gifts, took you on vacations, spent bucus of money on you, and treated you like a princess for several months.

He is now showing a bit of his true character, and you have a right to be alarmed.

Take the advice and put a stop to it while you're still new in the situation.

Staying for gifts and because you think you're different (or can "change him") is not going to be good in the long run.

Chances are, you're not different from the last girl, you're never going to change him, you'll end up losing who YOU are, and you'll be back on here in a few months wishing you had put a stop to it.

Find someone with a similar mindset. You want flirty fun, find a guy who is flirty and fun.

This is still new. Make the change.

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Originally Posted by AmExp

Yes Starbuck. You are right there are two sides to every story. I would like to talk to her about it but that would never happen. The strange thing is that He is more worried about me leaving him. He is just THAT WORRIED about it.

The funny thing is, he thinks I am a tough chick. We have had some close calls and I have not cried and begged him to come back once. I think that bothers him because he is used to that.

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He's worried about you leaving, because he will lose his control. That isn't kosher with him! No one leaves HIM! HE leaves! That is the only way he will have it!

OH WOW. Funny how he proclaimed that at the beginning. He was like I was the one that left... Do you think he is the type of guy that will leave me first? I would feel so small if he left before I did. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I would.

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Originally Posted by AmExp

Yes Starbuck. You are right there are two sides to every story. I would like to talk to her about it but that would never happen. The strange thing is that He is more worried about me leaving him. He is just THAT WORRIED about it.

The funny thing is, he thinks I am a tough chick. We have had some close calls and I have not cried and begged him to come back once. I think that bothers him because he is used to that.

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You being a touch chick (that sounds familiar... my ex used to say the same) Has shown you to be a challenge to him, and his sensitiveness is part of a way to manipulate you. He is so sensitive so that you give in to him, so that you "see his sensitivity"... and believe he is sensitive...

You shouldn't HAVE to talk to his ex... all of the signs are right there for you to see... He is fake, materialistic and controlling... He tried to win you over with wining and dining, vacations, buying you things, then shows his "sensitive side" when somethingn "upsets" him or "hurts his feelings"... YET he can talk CRAP to you and then play it off like he was joking..

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Originally Posted by AmExp

OH WOW. Funny how he proclaimed that at the beginning. He was like I was the one that left.....Do you think he is the type of guy that will leave me first? I would feel so small if he left before I did. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I would.

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HE will be doing the leavign unless you make it a point to do something...

Like I said, I LEFT MY EX... ut he has told stories about me trashing everything he owns and telling me to leave, LOL... He can have his stories, he can talk all he wants, I know this... I NOW HAVE MY LIFE BACK!

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Originally Posted by AmExp

OH WOW. Funny how he proclaimed that at the beginning. He was like I was the one that left.....Do you think he is the type of guy that will leave me first? I would feel so small if he left before I did. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I would.

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He won't leave you until you threaten to leave him. If he see's this as a possibility?---oh yes---he's gone! He won't be nice about it either!

I will have to come back guys! I need to go to the mall and walk around! I ned to clear my head. I am so sad and disappointed! THANK YOU ALL!! I WILL BE BACK SHORTLY! Please keep posting or asking questions if anything arises!

Just a thought--Has he ever asked you to dress in a certain way? One way when you are out for the night, but hinted about dressing a different way when around his family?

Has he made negative comments about your friends?

You know AmExp, if things were going great, you wouldn't be on here asking all of these questions. Obviously something is not right with this guy or this relationship, and deep down you know it... hence the reason you are here today.

We all have dissected your story and all of your rationalizations of the situation, and added our insights. Now it is up to you to decide what is best FOR YOU.

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Originally Posted by jmw0713

You know AmExp, if things were going great, you wouldn't be on here asking all of these questions. Obviously something is not right with this guy or this relationship, and deep down you know it....hence the reason you are here today.

We all have dissected your story and all of your rationalizations of the situation, and added our insights. Now it is up to you to decide what is best FOR YOU.

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Some people are just not seeing that it is not always as clear cut as this! Does she need to leave? YESTERDAY! But just to pass it off like this, is not necessarily the best way to handle this! What you are saying in essence is to just "get on with it!" I would like to say this too, but I know unless she fully understands, she may just stay. I think she is really trying to digest this, and she knows there is something that is wrong here. Please don't try and discourage her from keeping an open dialouge with us!

To answer your question about why my ex's ex-husband threw her out of the car, it was over what she was going to cook for dinner. She said she needed to get things to make whatever dinner and he disagreed. She was temporarily paralyzed and couldn't walk for almost a year. Nearly died. It didn't start this way though. First with the small things, telling her what to do all the time, etc. Then it spiraled into physical abuse. For example, if the kitchen was not exactly spotless he would hit her over a small crumb on the kitchen counter.

Now granted, I think her case is an example of an extreme but it did happen to her, I've seen the scars. They were together for around 11 years. What happened to her was a combination of his control over her, plus the fact that they married Catholic (no need to debate about religion, just giving the facts here) and she was raised to never leave the marriage ever for any reason. Also, for the first few years of the marriage, EVERYONE including family and friends absolutely loved this guy. But as time passed, they all started to see his true nature.

In the end, her final wake-up call was when she nearly was killed. Not trying to hijack your thread here but I wanted to answer your question.

I wasn't dicouraging open dialouge, but her perceived denial on the whole situation seems to be preventing her from seeing the whole situation for what it is. I was just trying to point out the fact that we can all see.

I know that situations like this are niether 100% clear cut nor easy to resolve. I understand she has a ton of things to think about.

I am in no way trying to scare her from seeking further advice.

JM, I have already talked to Starbuck about this. It is a little more complicated than telling someone to just leave. There are a lot more emotions and psychological factors that are involved. Perhaps it is best to let the women take if from here...

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Originally Posted by UnluckyDucky

To answer your question about why my ex's ex-husband threw her out of the car, it was over what she was going to cook for dinner. She said she needed to get things to make whatever dinner and he disagreed. She was temporarily paralyzed and couldn't walk for almost a year. Nearly died. It didn't start off this way though. First with the small things, telling her what to do all the time, etc. Then it spiraled into physical abuse. For example, if the kitchen was not exactly spotless he would hit her over a small crumb on the kitchen counter.

Now granted, I think her case is an example of an extreme but it did happen to her, I've seen the scars. They were together for around 11 years. What happened to her was a combination of his control over her, plus the fact that they married Catholic (no need to debate about religion, just giving the facts here) and she was raised to never leave the marriage ever for any reason. Also, for the first few years of the marriage, EVERYONE including family and friends absolutely loved this guy. But as time passed, they all started to see his true nature.

In the end, her final wake-up call was when she nearly was killed. Not trying to hijack your thread here but I wanted to answer your question.

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I actually don't think her case was as extreme as some people think! My ex got mad because I wanted to stay at a baseball game watching a friends kid play, while we were out of town visiting with them. He through my suitcases out onto the hwy. and as I was trying to gather things, I got into the box of the truck to try and lift the suitcases up! He started taking off down the hwy. with the tailgate still open! He started to speed up, and then he slammed on the brakes! I'm just lucky I held on, and didn't get thrown into oncoming hwy traffic!

This was the same guy that showered me with gifts and told me how beautiful I was all of the time.

Well, the mall was therapeutic. But I am still very confused. I am going to need more time to process all of this. We had a nice conversation ( via phone) and then I walked around the mall. On my way home my boyfriend mentions something that he earlier tried to say could be my fault. When the situation proved I was faultless and I harmlessly pointed it out he got testy and said, "Not everything is about Princess AmExp. We were talking about me and my situation. Not you!"... 30 minutes later I get a text saying, "I am sorry that wasn't nice of me to say at all. I didn't mean that you were harmless (which I truly am)"... I didn't respond. He then called me asking if I got his message and that he was yet again sorry and didn't mean to hurt my feelings...

Maybe I am blowing this one out of proportion. Seems silly enough, but I don't know. He has been snapping at me a lot more.

He's getting scared that you are starting to figure him out. He says something wrong... rethinks... appologizes... and then gets defensive again.

As for what I wear... well. During the holidays he asked me to come over and meet his family who were in town. ( Sisters, their kids and husbands, his mom and dad, plus his two children)... whew. Earlier that day he had met my because I had returned from my holiday trip ( their encounter was pleasant and unplanned). Anyway, when I was dressing for the visit I bent over. He was like you can't wear those pants. They show your underwear. I just told him I can change the cut of the underwear and that was that. He felt the need to remind me the whole way there to make sure they don't show. Then one night I got all dolled up wearing a new stripped dress that my cousin and his partner helped me accessorize. My boyfriend told me I looked stunning and really pretty. We took some pictures and I didn't like how they turned out. I felt I looked chunky (nothing is wrong with being chunky but that dress did NOT make me look that way in person). He later told me yeah, stripes look terrible on me and that I should not wear them again and to turn that outfit. That really hurt my feelings because HE was the one praising how nice I looked. He claimed he didn't want to tell me because I was trying to look nice. He has said things like I look better naked and that his ex-gf was the same way ( who he compares me to A LOT!! ) He says I remind him of her in many ways, but that she was as dumb as a box or rocks and couldn't handle that.

Hey I no how you feel I'm actually in somewhat of the same situation right now...
Something I would have to say from experience is that you need to tell him that you already have a father and don't need another one... and if he truly does love you he needs to trust you... it sounds to me that this guy might have a little bit of a trust issue...
Just don't let this relationship get out of hand and turn the wrong way... like mine did I'm scarred of my boyfriend and I can't find a way out of our relationship you need to get out of the relationship when YOU want to don't wait around for him... he doesn't control your life YOU do...

Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by starbuck8

I actually don't think her case was as extreme as some people think! My ex got mad because I wanted to stay at a baseball game watching a friends kid play, while we were out of town visiting with them. He through my suitcases out onto the hwy., and as I was trying to gather things, I got into the box of the truck to try and lift the suitcases up! He started taking off down the hwy. with the tailgate still open! He started to speed up, and then he slammed on the brakes! I'm just lucky I held on, and didn't get thrown into oncoming hwy traffic!

This was the same guy that showered me with gifts and told me how beautiful I was all of the time.

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OMG!! WOW! That is insane!! He was mad because you didn't want to spend that time with him?? OR??

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Originally Posted by AmExp

As for what I wear...well. During the holidays he asked me to come over and meet his family who were in town. ( Sisters, their kids and husbands, his mom and dad, plus his two children)...whew. Earlier that day he had met my because I had returned from my holiday trip ( their encounter was pleasant and unplanned). Anyway, when I was dressing for the visit I bent over. He was like you can't wear those pants. They show your underwear. I just told him I can change the cut of the underwear and that was that. He felt the need to remind me the whole way there to make sure they don't show. Then one night I got all dolled up wearing a new stripped dress that my cousin and his partner helped me accessorize. My bf told me I looked stunning and really pretty. We took some pictures and I didn't like how they turned out. I felt I looked chunky (nothing is wrong with being chunky but that dress did NOT make me look that way in person). He later told me yeah, stripes look terrible on me and that I should not wear them again and to turn that outfit. That really hurt my feelings because HE was the one praising how nice I looked. He claimed he didn't want to tell me because I was trying to look nice. He has said things like I look better naked and that his ex-gf was the same way ( who he compares me to A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!) He says I remind him of her in many ways, but that she was as dumb as a box or rocks and couldn't handle that.

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Oh how did I know that? I have sooooo heard that! All of that and more! The comparisons here are actually leaving me speachless! What is his name and address? Lol! I'm going to get his babysitter to come pick him up!

Seriously though! This is a HUGE red flag once again!

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Originally Posted by starbuck8

He's getting scared that you are starting to figure him out. He says something wrong...rethinks...appologizes...and then gets defensive again.

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Really? You think he has "caught on"...

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Originally Posted by AmExp

Really? You think he has "caught on"....

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I can almost guarantee you. Just from what he has said to you in texts, and calling you to make sure you've gotten them, tells me that his hair is standing up on the back of his neck and he knows something is off. He's going to try the back-up game now! He is going to be the sweetest person you've ever known! Just watch for it to happen! He is going to go one of two ways. He is either going to be SUPER sweet, or he is going to be SUPER defensive or angry! I sure hope it's not the latter.

I have to take off for awhile, but I'll be back in a bit.

OK great! Thank you!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that to freak you out and then just leave, but I really have to go for awhile. I will be back though.

HI AmExp- this is my first post on this board but let me share a little something with you. I just got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship myself- hence why I am on here. I'm 31 and my x is 24.. so it hits home to some degree.

First off- if you are a good looking girl, fun, energetic and full of life MOST older guys would do basically anything to date/have a relationship with a younger attractive girl. But here is the problem. NOT ALL older guys (or younger) act like your boyfriend. My x was very attractive- but I had something this guy does not. TRUST. I could honestly tell my x "Go out, have fun, be careful, give me a call later" as she left for the night with her girlfriends. And a simple "how was your night" would suffice later on. I'm a pretty big guy and intimidate people on my own, and I can tell you- there is NO reason for tough guy threats "ill break necks" bla bla. His insecurity, jealousy, and past issues are shining through day in and day out- and like others said.. that is why you are here. You see it, but you don't want to fully accept it, or believe it AND you might not understand it full.

If this guy is drilling you with questions, checking your phone, (which you should not do either) and going WAYYY out of his way to check up on you, even though he makes it look like he's doing it to be nice.. he's not. Again.. all those nice things he has bought for you, your family, friends etc.. That's a nice gesture- but HONESTLY it doesn't hold a lot of value when it comes to TRUE feelings. He should not compliment you, then degrade you. He shouldn't make you feel 'hot' then tell you you could be 'hotter' if you worked harder, etc. It doesn't sound like you are a girl to let herself 'go'. Ugh- please get out of this relationship, as others said it's still early. He WILL get worse in every aspect. He can not help it.. it's who he is and what he is used to.

Thump

Well Thump, thank you so much for your thoughts. I think the problem I am having is that I cannot see the future.

I want to mention that he talks to one of my best friends (who by the way he does criticize allllllllllllllllll the time behind her back). He thinks all of my friends have issues but doesn't mind if I go out with them. He is cordial to them and I have found a few of them call to seek his advice on things which is cool for me.

She told me in confidence that he tells me he trusts me but sometimes I give him reason not to. He will text her all night long trying to dig for information about me ( not always) but he tries to send her on a mission to ask me certain things to see how I respond or what I say. He loves to test me to see if my stories change. He likes to try and slip me up to see if I stay on my toes about my story. That becomes stressful. I complain to him about it and often times we move on ( that doesn't last long). Yet I am the one who is playing games when I giggle after I receive a text?

AmExp- it's obvious he has trust issues. YOU can even see that. Like others have said, and many of us have a lot of experience here- you've waived the red flag around non-stop. You've listed so many signs of an insecure, jealous guy. I don't care WHAT guy says "I'm not that guy, I'm not jealous, im not insecure". A persons actions will ALWAYS speak louder then words. Relationships are NOT games as much as many immature people think they are. This guy calling your friend/texting her to see if your stories match, or trying to catch you in a lie is absolutely ridiculous. TRUST is non-existent here. And unfortunately this guy is carrying old baggage with him, that is making him this way. I've been cheated on, lied to, straight to my face- but I still go into each new relationship with an open mind, and an open heart. He isn't doing that with you.. he needs to fix himself before he tries to care for someone else.

Now I will play against you for a minute to. If you are doing things to make him jealous, insecure, and feel like he NEEDS to check up on you- then that's your bad. And I'm not talking about giggling at txt messages. I'm speaking of things like, getting new guys phojne numbers, your phone constantly ringing in the middle of the night and not telling him who it is, or not picking it up when you look at it- the obvious things that would drive any man nuts. Then you need to take some blame also, but I don't think from what you said that is the case here. He has issues- don't make them YOUR issues any longer.
Seriously.. I know you are younger, but not all relationship are suppose to be like this. There will be plenttyyyy of guys that SPOIL you, family, and friends- because we CAN and want to. Don't let that blind you from the obvious flaws he has going on.
Thump

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Originally Posted by AmExp

I dunno KC. I paid for EVERYTHING in the last relationship. EVERYTHING! That guy was a class-a JERK.

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Hi Amexp
And from what I recall you held on to thought of wanting to get back with this former Ex (jerk) because you craved being in a relationship. Some of the others here probably haven't seen your previous posts but I have to agree with what their all suggesting you should do.

Is it possible your just putting up with this obssesive and immature behaviour from this guy just because you need to be in a relationship.

This one certainly doesn't sound healthy to me.

Good Luck whatever you decide.

I started to read through all the posts, but wow, 12 pages, I don't have that kind of time, so, I'll apologize now if I repeat something that's already been said.

AmExp, this relationship is an accident waiting to happen but you're so much in love with the idea of love that you can't see the forest for the trees. Well, let me try and help you see the light.

You've read all the posts by other women who've been through things like this, but did you really read them? Did you see the comparisons, or are you just thinking it's a coincidence and that your guy is different?

He's not, let me assure you, this guy will become more and more controlling, he will become abusive, he will hurt you mentally and physically, I'd bet on it!

I won't bore you with the details but suffice it to say that I've been in more destructive relationships than healthy ones. I got lucky, found a good guy, married him and went off into the sunset, blah, blah, blah.

I've dated guys like your boyfriend, I got lucky, I got out alive, you still have a chance to do the same but you have to listen and see him for who and what he really is. He will wow you, be the sweetest most caring, understanding, loving guy and then turn around and be the ugliest, meanest guy you've ever met.

You know this, otherwise why start the thread? You know you have to leave, you know what's going to happen, something in your gut is telling you, so, if you won't listen to us, then listen to your gut.

Leave, because this won't be all sunshine and roses for long.

To answer some of the previous posts, I think what it boils down to is that I am in denial. Who wants to believe that they have finally started a NEW and FRESH relationship only to later find out that their instincts about the relationship are right. NO ONE! Once again, I am disappointed. I do believe I am in love with the idea of being in love. Whew, that is a tongue twister. I like the thought that someone has actually said and done the right things. I like the fact that for once it feels like I am loved by someone ( other than my parents who by the way have been together since college and NEVER mistreat one another). I am not sure why I am drawn to these overbearing men. Maybe because my dad was sooooo busy with his career when I was younger, that I want a daddy figure. I mean, don't get me wrong, my dad was VERY attentive and loving. But as he became more successful, he started to miss more and more events that were dear to my heart ( birthdays, sporting games, dinners or whatever).

I have never broken a bone and I certainly don't want to have any now.

As Friend4U said. I flirted with the idea of getting back with my ex. I was in a miserable and desperate place, ugh. I have finally gotten over his antics and regained confidence in myself. I do not want to go down that road again.

On the flip side... I am a woman with a free spirit who loves the idea of danger and is drawn to men like this. There is an actual condition for this... carmen or carmine syndrome (sp?? ). I want to learn more about it because I feel I am one of those people. I know something can lead to danger in terms of relationships yet I still keep walking down the same path instead of RUNNING the opposite direction. If this were one of my friends relationships ( an it was) I could detect this instantly!

Maybe I need to do seek help from a counselor first...

Seeing a counselour certainly wouldn't hurt Amexp... but I think most of all just be patient and have fun when your dating. There's no rush your still so young.

Finding Mr Right is a process and when you least expect it , and when you aren't trying so hard it will happen.

Good Luck :)

Counselling isn't a bad idea. You have to learn to love yourself, love being by yourself, not depend on someone else to make you happy.

You really need to leave this guy, I've had broken bones, still have scars, trust me, it's not exiting, and you won't feel like a "free spirit" afterwards.

Spend some time on your own, work on loving who you are and then find someone who can love himself and you, just the way you are.

Really, run this time, this is not good. You know it.

Oh wow... thank you!

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

Seeing a counselour certainly wouldn't hurt Amexp...................but I think most of all just be patient and have fun when your dating. Theres no rush your still so young.

Finding Mr Right is a process and when you least expect it , and when you aren't trying so hard it will happen.

Good Luck :)

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So true M.

Hubby was a hug surprise. I had just sworn off men, and I was finding myself, trying to get back on track with who I am. I met him and tried to push him away, I didn't want another guy just then.

Poor man, I really gave him a run for his money, but after a few months I realized that maybe, just maybe, he was different. I'm happy to say I was right.

AmExp, really, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it with someone who treats you like his property, or with someone who is your partner in every way.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

So true M.

AmExp, really, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it with someone who treats you like his property, or with someone who is your partner in every way.

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Had to spread the Rep Alty but this is so true as well.

Bottom line is a relationship cannot and will not last without trust , so ask yourself this Amexp

"Does he trust you" His behaviour certainly doesn't suggest it :cool:

Ahh, had to spread the rep as well M, but that's so true.

There's no trust here, that's a dead end street!

Well that is what we remind each other everyday. I figured we both would have caught on by now...