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What hurts a lot is that we just spent the last three years living apart and I held on cause I knew we'd live together someday. Now... after only 7 months. He decides he's done. Couldn't do that before I left my apartment and moved in here. Couldn't do that last year when the economy was stronger and job hunting was easier. I don't know if I should hate him or forgive him.
You will do both eventually. But not now, your focus is you! Stay focused, because if you don't love yourself, who will?
Sorry if I seem to repeat myself, but it's that important.
You have to forgive him, but never for him for you. Holding on to pain does nothing for you and is going to hurt him.
So tonight my ex came home. He walked in the door and asked if I wanted to order dinner together. We did... we ate and watched three shows he's missed this week and laughed. He of course got up and said he's going the bedroom to read and quickly he was in bed asleep. I plan to sleep on the couch tonight but even though I know this is wrong.. it made the pain go away for one night. I know it'll come roaring back in a day or two... but just being able to do something normal felt good with him.
I didn't over communicate the entire evening and I didn't do anything for him... do you all think I should see this as perhaps a good sign or just same ole thing?
I don't get it why are the two of you spending so much time togather. Whenever he wants to hangoiut with you, you are always there, but when you feel like hanging out with him he is not there?
Why take a chance on his feelings? Stick to your own plan. Your obviously room mates.
I guess I see. I kind of knew the answer. I'm always here because I don't have work and very little money and the weather is like 12 degrees outside... so I've been here looking for work and trying to find small enjoyments in thing I like. I do agree that it's all about him and there are times I can completely feel his exerting control over me because I'm easily emotional. The couch thing didn't work cause I simply can't sleep on a couch but I went in well after he was asleep and always wake well before he's up. I guess its bad all around right now. Once the weather improves a little I plan to get out more on my own but for now.. I'm here. Just easy to see hope where there isn't any.
I keep wanting to ask my ex if there's someone else. Just so I know and can fully understand this behavior. EVeryone I know says I should be careful since I'm still dependent on him when I don't have a job... but I just prefer honesty.
The way he treats you is the only honest fact you need to know to make a decision with. His motives are irrelevant, for what you must do for yourself. Why let your plan hinge on him being honest? Don't open a can of worms, stay proactive. His reasons will come to light later.
Join a yoga class or something in that field for relaxation methods. It will help your mind settle things and relax the body. Plus, you'll meet woman who maybe going through the same as you. He is using you. He's got you on a puppet string when he sees fit to play with. Pick yourself off the floor and stop being the carpet for him to walk on.
Does it make any difference if there is someone else? If he says there is how is that going to make you feel? Don't ask questions if you are not ready for the answer.Quote:
Originally Posted by JDLNYC
My Dear,how long are you going to allow this emotional roller coaster to continue? This just has to be emotionally exhausting!
Always waiting for him to throw you a bone?
Trying to read into his motivations.Wondering about this and that.
You need to find a friend who can take you in until you get on your feet and stop this dependent relationship that is clearly one sided.
Stop being his doormat.If this is the way someone treats you after 13 years of fidelity the only question you should be asking is why can't I let this go? Why do I cling to false hope that this will magically all turn itself around and we will live happily ever after.
The final question you should ask is how do I build a life without him.
You can do this. You must have faith in yourself and dig down and find the strength in you to be all that you can be.A strong independent woman who can make her own way in this world.
I know... I did ask him when he came home if there was someone else. He obviously wasn't very happy with me asking but said "I told you before..no" so I will take that as the truth and let it be. Then the game started cause he said I wouldn't tell you if I slept with someone else anyway... or Would you really want to know if did meet someone else... he asked that right after telling me no. So it was just enough to leave my mind vague on his answer.
Each day I just get up and get through. Man... if I could get a job I could finally plan my move out of here. That will be my most liberating day... until then this is just going to have to do.
I read the remaining posts. I know I need to get out. Unfortunately without a job or any money I'm stuck until I find work. I don't have friends so that leaves me fairly isolated. I am joining a support group and I've started seeing a good therapist to figure stuff out. I unfortunately don't have a life built around me. It was built around him and his life and his friends. I now see the perils of doing that but it doesn't help to realize that when its too late. I'm not someone who loves to go 20 hours a day doing stuff... so doing a ton of new things all by myself is very difficult at a time like that. I know going forward friendships need to take a front seat in my life before ever getting into a relationship. I also know its not easy making friends when you're at a needy point like I am... people can just tell you're needy.
I do the gym (started this week and went 5 times already). I just want to job hunt all the time because it's the one thing that will remove me from this illness but as I'm sure you all know... job hunting can be very solitary and very depressing (esp. right now).
Has the support group given you any ideas about moving?
I haven't started the support group yet. I've met with the therapist that runs the group and it'll start up in a couple weeks. There isn't any real options for moving until I secure some means to support myself. I am working hard everyday to make that happen. Since this was the first week I REALLY put hard work into looking I guess I shouldn't expect things to immediately start jumping. I keep telling myself it only takes one job... just one job and I can take the next step... find a small place to get out and start to recover on my own. Will continue to be painful on my own... but I think the healing will be more consistent than sitting here waiting for him to return.
There is no way I can come out of this and not be a completely changed person. I've learned you can NEVER completely rely on someone. Everyone has the possibility of changing... even those you think would never leave you or turn their back.
I know I am grateful to my ex for not turning me out. I do hate him right now but that won't last forever when I'm back on my feet. Now I just struggle with not comparing my life to his and feeling jealous of his friends, his money, his job... that's just a nasty path I keep trying to avoid.
Hey JDLNYC,
I think you have made a good start and so keep going.
Important thing is for you to find the opportunity/break to get out of that place- once you do that YOU WILL BE AND FEEL FREE!
As difficult as it is, I would focus on YOU, YOU, YOU, and yep you got it- YOU!
For now- forget the reasons/ hypotheses etc about why the relationship went wrong- if he has someone else etc
Instead CONCLUDE - THAT IT IS OVER. PERIOD-- and try v hard to switch off with all the thoughts in your mind or you will go INSANE.
I know jobs are hard to come by but I often see where someone wants to rent out a room and board in exchange for taking care of a family member .Maybe that is an option you could consider.Your getting a job and a place to stay in one shot.
Tell me if I right about this... his not being here has more to do with him then it has to do with me? I mean... I've been wondering why I'm considered such a bad person almost overnite... can't even be here with me... then it dawned on me today that this is more about how he feels around me - so he stays away to avoid feeling bad.
I didn't put a lot of energy into that but I'm thinking that clears up a little for me. Nice day at the gym, walked to Barnes & Noble then walked home. He's not here as usual and probably won't be all evening but I got a nice nap (haven't slept for such a long time).
He's really going to miss out on a nice person. I know what I gave and if he rejects all that now... sad. His "Disassociative Disorder" type behavior is sad... I asked him today about his comic books he's collected weekly since he was a kid... and he said.. I'm getting tired of them all... this on top of everything he ever did for enjoyment... everything is stopped and is now over. Its like living with a stranger - - someone who I don't see any resemblance to the man I love.
So tonight he told me there was someone else... at least someone else he went on dates with... we talked about some other things he says led up to it... so I think there are various components. I'm hurt but at least it makes more sense. It also helps me realize this is for real... someone else in the picture and I'm no longer expecting him to change his mind. Its weird.. I feel relieved but I wonder if that'll change to sadness over time... maybe not. Its weird... that instinct is there when you think there has to be more reasons... and he did say he's been feeling very guilty about it all - - which would explain his behavior towards me this past week.
I can understand totally when someone would like to know if their ex found someone else. Why? I guess for me I would like to know because than I can cut the strings completely. I would not have that hope maybe he would want me back. I could move on and ditch the jerk. So I think you have the right to know, since it's during when you two were still together.
Jd, your heading in the right direction. It stinks, that you have to rely on him right now, to pull you through until you get a job and a place of your own. I guess you kind of feel like he has the upper hand. Thirteen years you invested, and now out the window. Don't question yourself about anything, because it's not you. Stay busy and take the time to focus on yourself. Limit your conversation with him, as little as possible. You said he has someone else, but usually rebounds never work. You will pull through this and get stronger everyday. Just concentrate on you, and good luck.
Tonight he asked if he should stop asking how I am... I told him I can't tell him what to do.. and he said... well if your therapist says I should talk to you then just tell me... I make my own decisions about if I should talk to him. I'm pretty disgusted with him right now. He claims the dating didn't cause him to leave me... but I said... when you have a new ship... what's the motivation to fix up the older one? Going to take a long time to trust again... just had so many dark, scary days lately... really can't wait for the light again.
You have every right to be. But I notice something else he's doing and that is he's trying to make himself the good guy by asking you what is best for you. He is trying to reach out to show you he's not a bad guy by asking you what is the best thing he can do for you, trying desperately to rid himself of guilt while positioning himself as the one who is trying to do the right thing, when in fact he is 100% wrong. He may never admit it, but he knows he screwed up and you should take some kind of joy from that. When you are feeling down, remember he knows it's his fault, so feel free to pass the blame his way as you move forward.Quote:
Originally Posted by JDLNYC
Quote:
Originally Posted by JDLNYC
You say fix up the older one, like you are the one that needs fixing. He's the one who screwed this up so he's the one that needs to be fixed. I don't know anything about boats, but if I had the chance to get a new Ford Mustang, or a 1967 Shelby Mustang GT500let me tell you, the 40 year old car is the one I'd pick.
Just read your posts from start to finish and I think you ahould too. You started as this weak insecure woman and now you've got angry, I tihnk it's great!! Why should he have all the control? Who died and made him king of the world? Think he enjoys having his little puppet at home waiting for him, the only person who can stop this is you and it looks like your well on your way. Don't let him control you anymore,stand up for yourself, good luck xx
Last night I'm going to bed... he's reading in bed... I just say good night and begin to pull the covers over me and I realize he's helping me. I say "Oh thanks"... then as I lay there he rubs my back a couple of times. I have to believe guilt is really his driving force. His actions are trying to make himself feel better.
Why are you holding out for these crumbs of affection? If he touched me I'd say please don't
I guess after 13 years he's as much family as he is a boyfriend. I also know I have zero self esteem right now. I was so tired I didn't really think much about it until this morning. I don't know where that came from but I suspect he's just making sure I'm not drifting away from him too far. Complicated? Yes. My focus is on getting that job so I can escape from this and be in a neutral environment so my healing can be clean and easier. Praying everyday for a call.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JDLNYC
Tony Robbins. People can think you're a quack all they want, I have some of his CD's and there are exercises he can give you that make you feel better with in an hour. I'm not going to say your problems will go away, they won't. You, however, will feel a lot better. I'm sure your library has some of his CD's and if not, certainly his books.
Well now he's telling me he wasn't dating anyone else... says I just jumped to that conclusion. I really think he's playing games with me... just trying to get out of here... 13 years with someone and I never knew he could be so cruel.
JDLHNYC it doesn't matter if he is dating someone else.The important thing here he does not want to be in a relationship with you.( Sorry for being Harsh). I know its hard for you living in the same house and what not, but you really have to move on .Hows your jobs search?Quote:
Originally Posted by JDLNYC
Hi how's everything going now?
Things are OK. I'm getting more and more used to being alone. Tonight I just cooked a nice dinner for myself. He won't be home early most likely. I put the leftovers away for myself to eat tomorrow. I have a job interview tomorrow... we'll see how that goes. The job is paying less than my last position but at this point I have to take what's out there. My ex came to me this morning and cried and told me how sorry he was. I didn't ask what he meant by "he's sorry" but I assumed he meant he's sorry for hurting me like this. He also sent me a funny email today.. something he hasn't done in weeks.
It's been such a journey. I'm going on Saturday morning to orientation for New York Cares (a charity organization) so I might start doing that. I'm also going out to Brooklyn on Saturday to see an old co-worker who I haven't seen in many years. I've also been doing the gym daily. So I would say my life is going along as good as can be expected.
Wish me luck on the interview tomorrow. It might be the start of an upturn in my life... but if not... I'll just keep looking.
Thanks everyone for being there during these weeks...
Looks like you've started the up turn already! Even the tone of your e-mails have changed,which is great. So happy for you and really good luck for tomorrow hope it goes well and keep us informed.
As for him, I think when controlling people feel they have lost you a bit they try to reel you back in,don't let him b@st@rd!!
All I can say is that I hope I learn from my mistakes. Last night my ex came in and I decided to ask him what he meant by "I'm sorry" and yes.. he meant he was sorry about the pain he's caused. I then began to talk a little too much about us and I realized in the back of my mind I had built up a little bit of hope. I had hoped his talking to me and crying and hugging me.. might be showing he was changing his mind. Well the conversation basically showed nothings changed.
It didn't set me back to day one... but it knocked me back a few days in feeling good. I have the interview but of course I was up too many hours feelings sad so I hope I don't look too bad today. I just need to accept this. I have to stop hoping he'll come back and just move forward. My support group starts next week so I'm hopeful that will help me understand how to deal with these feelings.
I was feeling so happy... now I'm scared again. Someone told me its natural to go from good to bad when we're healing. Does that sound correct?
Honey,you are just waiting for him to throw you a bone to validate yourself.No one can validate you but you!
This roller coaster of emotion must be exhausting and you are doing this to yourself.Still waiting for him to say*it was all a big mistake*.False hope is making you see into gestures of kindness as something more.
You have to be firm in your dedication to heal yourself.
Continue to concentrate on you! You are your only priority right now.Know that you have the courage to move forward.
I am sure going from good to bad is just a small part of what one experiences when healing.I am sure you have the run the gamut of emotions. You are in grief and the stages of grief are complex and varied but you can get through it.
Part of the serenity prayer is as follows:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have found it very helpful over the years.
Yes... I can see what you mean. My interview went good but I was told I"m over qualified for the job but they might consider changing the position (and perhaps up the salary) but nothing firm yet. That would be a real indication that I"m moving on out. I'm really exploring some new friends.. and some old ones. Not all are receptive.. but even for now having one or two to occasionally see is better than I had two weeks ago. I do look for little things in gestures and words from him... and I also know he is drawn to me when I appear to be getting healthy and moving forward. Then the second I take that step back to ask him stuff or think more... he withdrawals and it all starts again. No more discussions. I have to learn the best I'll get is a neutral answer and the worse I'll get is something very hurtful. Guess that's what my journal is for...
It is a long road and will be even longer I'm sure. But I can look back at myself a little over two weeks ago and I'm amazed how far I have come. Priorities... Job then apartment then look into building friendships. You know what I don't see in there... a new boyfriend... that's a first for me that I don't want a new one.. and its liberating. In time maybe but I have a lot of healing and growing to do for myself.
Glad to know you are all here to listen to me when I make a mistake.
Sorry about the job.I was told that before too and I was floored.They figured they would train me and then when something better came along I would leave.Not cost effective.I then learned depending on what I was applying for to dummy down my qualifications.Perseverance pays off,you'll get there.
You are making progress in other areas and you may backslide ,don't beat yourself up over it ,just get back on course.
Knowing that you can't replace one pain with another(man) shows great insight into understanding what got you here and how you can have a better future.
Pat yourself on the back... your doing good!
This morning my mind starting trying to put two and two together about certain things and tried to conclude he has a friend that is interested in him... immediately I wanted to go confront him but then I stopped and asked myself two things... Do I know for sure this is truth or just my imagination and what good would come from talking about things again? A friend said I should look at every time I've discussed our relationship and keep a note on how I felt before and how I felt after. He said... do you see a pattern? Do you see that talking to him about the relationship never ends up good.. never makes me feel better? I do now so I need to realize no good will come from talking to him about this stuff anymore.
Its still pulling at me. I went in to get my clothes cause I have an appointment this morning and he was sleeping.. he woke up and said hi.. good morning. Even simple things pull at my heart... but I just morning and went on my way. I'll deal with my pain all to myself. He can only add to it at this point. Trying to learn this stuf
As long as you see him every day, you will have all kinds of confusing emotions, and feelings.
Your trapped, and isolated, and until that changes, thinking too much is your enemy.
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