You are going to learn the hardway, huh?
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You are going to learn the hardway, huh?
I've already lost her as a girlfriend (at least for now) why lose her as a friend too?Quote:
Originally Posted by a la king
Sounds like the common case of the first broken heart. You obviously aren't listening. Then, why ask?
Try to understand that I am trying to listen to everyone and really learn from all of this, but it's extremely difficult to just completely cut off the person I love most in this world.
Because you're going to turn into a puppydog. In fact, I think it's safe to say you already are a puppydog.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
I'm not really sure what you mean.
I don't think you've listened to a single thing here. What you've done is basically justified being a doormat.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
All right, given that you are probably are not going to listen to us... You will slowly transition from the ex-zone to the friend-zone. Not only will you be in the friend-zone but she will also be well aware that you are madly in love with her, which means she will get whatever she wants from you, emotionally and such. This will cause you great pain. Every single day---it won't cease as long as you maintain your feelings towards her---which you won't. Eventually, she will meet other guys --first as friends-- then one day she will give you the news. From there on it's all going to get worse... I say this because I was there. Eventually, I left. In some 9 months or so I was completely over her. Today, I have her friendship once more. Far from best friends but we share good memories. You see? You will NEVER lose her. This time away from her --as long as it takes to heal-- is for you! When you are ready you can look her up, and I'm sure she will be happy to be your friend then and so will you.
Anyway, in the end, it's all up to you. Take whatever advice that you can take and good luck with everything. I really hope --although veeeery improbable-- that you come back one day and tell us all to stick it because you are back with her and happy once more.
Your wanting someone to get on here and tell you it will be OK and they had some success story its not going to happen we have all been there and even though you are more then likely going to continue to have full contacvt with her no matter what we say and yes we all understand how hard it is to juss to forget all contact with the person you are in love with this happens every day... we are trying to help you and the best thing for you is forget her for awhile get your own life straight you have to get over her and then you can be friends or else this terreible feeling you are feeling right now will be there forever unless you like it
Yea when I said earlier that I thought you shouldn't let the love of your life slip away, I didn't mean to go let her trample all over you! I meant that you shouldn't let her slip away if she wants to come back. Seriously, please listen! You have to give her space. You think she's the greatest person in the world. News flash: she probably isn't. If you listen to what we say, you will get over her in time and find someone else who is even better! OMG! There is no one better, right? Yes there is. You will never find that new girl, though, if you continue to follow after her. So let it go, and in the end you will both end up happy and friends.
The fact that this is a forum on the internet doesn't mean we aren't real people that have feelings. All of us here, kctiger, a la king, arzy, itried, ferrell, 411help, and many others have felt--or are feeling-- similar pain that you are feeling now. You think we aren't as IN LOVE as you are?? You think I don't think about my girlfriend --or ex-- all the time? I miss her like crazy! Geez!! I'd give my left ball to be with her now, cuddled up on the couch watching a movie--rather than giving advice to a stranger!
What we say here to you is for your own good not ours. Many of us are trying to move on. Trying to forget them--because let's face it, we have very slim chances --and so do you. Why wait for someone to make up their mind when we are giving them our hearts? Not fair is it? I want to move on because I hate this pain, and I hate the fact that she can't be mine. I hate that I am hurting knowing that she's out there moving on while I am over here trying to forget her. That's what NC is for, so we can forget easier and relieve this pain.
YES! I think she is the most amazing and beautiful thing in this world. But she is mine no more. I know If I call her right this moment and tell her I want to be her friend instead of losing her she would be happy to. But I don't want to stand there giving her my heart while she keeps her's away safe from me to give to someone else. No thank you, been there done that, and believe me, the pain is even worse than being dumped cause then you are being replaced. Like a used tyre, forgotten and discarded. That's what the friend-zone is like. True friendship is awesome but not when you love someone without reciprocity. This is not my opinion. It's a fact.
Every one who comes here finds it extremely difficult to cut an ex out of their life, and it's the hardest thing you will ever do, no matter how many times it happens, but especially the first time.
The first thing you must face is after a break up, everything changes, as her feelings, and attitudes, are not the same any more, and where you see a friend slip away, until your heart is healed from the hurt and pain, and your head has accepted this break up, you will be lousy friends, because everything she says will confuse you, and give you the false hope she wants you back.
Why? Because that's what you really want from her, and that's all you will see is her changing back by some miracle, or because you think she will see what she has missed.
Seldom does it work that way. You will be very miserable wondering what she is doing, and to whom, and although she still talks to you, it will be as a friend, and not like it was before. The worst part is when she is to busy for you, and spends time with another, and that will really hurt. So you see, the more contact after a break up, the more you keep that hole in your soul open, and unfulfilled, and all the feelings, and emotions still stirred up, and the pain fresh and up front.
That's what NC helps you with, giving you a chance to see what your really doing to yourself, and giving you that chance to heal, and deal with what your going through. Its not about losing your best friend, its getting yourself back, and being good to you. Then you will be happy with yourself, and be able to share that happiness with others. We all have had to learn how to cope with our hurt, and disappointments, and so shall you.
What you have to think about is she keeps wanting a "break" from you and your relationship and you keep hangin around being there for her and your not letting yourself be happy its time for you to be a man and tell her you want a break you want a break from the friend role because that's just a joke... dude she has you on a leash I can tell you right now all it is she has you where you are crazy about her you won't move on and you would do anything for her its like your still dating almost but your not so she can go be free meet guys , etc... and when and if she ever needs a fling your right there... you her safe spot you make her feel like she will never be alone because if she doesn't have anyone else for awhile and she begins to get lonely well guess what right there you are... she's using you if she really really loved you she wouldn't want a break... she don't want to be with you but she wants you close so no one else can have you... because even if you move on a little bit she snap her fingers and say she wants you back and there you go right back to her until that girl is out of the picture... move on buddy
DUDE!. please listen to us and everything we are saying. You are going to create a longer and more painful journey for yourself otherwise. This thread is now 10 pages of everyone telling you the same thing. You really need to open your eyes and READ what we are saying and try to understand. Its such a hard situation.. we understand, all of us here have been or are going through heartache... we are here for support... but when 6 million people are telling you the same thing.. its time to listen dude!.
Move on, live well, be happy.. it wasn't meant to be!. Im sorry!
So... We've all heard your entire situaton.
You've read everyone's reply.
Still... you feel you have to be with her.
I say do it... be her friend,but know, like what everyone has been telling you, it's going to hurt, a lot.
If you can't live with out her, the other choice is to live in pain with her.
This is the answer you've been waiting for, right? : Be her friend, be there for her when she needs you, be there for her beck and call. Move into her friend-zone. It'll be OK. Enjoy her company and let her enjoy yours-at her convenience.
But know, it will be painful. You'll see her with other guys, you'll be there to witness her love for someone else grow. And you, well you'll be placed in a whole different list. This list is one for those that can not cross over to the place you want to be. Why should she be your girl-friend when she can have you as a friend and still give her heart to someone else?
It will be OK. You will heal, it'll take soooo much more time for you to heal but, you will heal. The advice given to you by all these guys is to help you heal faster, to grow and learn, faster. In hopes that you will not hold herself to her, so that you don't miss out on the girl that might be there waiting to be your one and only. I agree. But if you say you'd be OK with the pain that is to come. Then that's on you.
You won't crumble and die from this, the more pain and tribulation you experience, the more you build your character. Everyone's hoping that you build it with may different experiences instead of just from her.
I did tell you that I broke off and got back together after a year. I also need to let you know that I did keep in touch with him. It hurt him a whole lot more than I had thought. It drove him to drinking and druging. It drove him to near suicide at one point. This is the kind of pain that everyone is trying to spare you from. It took him a long time to realize that I wasn't worth it, it took me a whole lot of convincing, to make him understand that I could be with someone so lacking. So he took my advice and started to go about his life. After I was done with my break, he was glad to take me back. But if I never returned to him, he would have been OK. He would be missing me but it all would have been OK.
On an another note. During my "break" I met a guy. He fell in love with me but I didn't love him, he knew this. He even tried to date my sister, in hopes that she may have the same qualities as I do. They were not a match made in heaven. But after 3 years, I couldn't understand how one of the nicest people I know, could be with such a witch. It took me another year to realized, that he dealt with her bull just to be around me and my family. He even dealt through my man's chaos to make sure he is around to be there for me. Once realized, I tried to make him understand that he is my best friend and him breaking up with my sister wouldn't change that. So without a second thought he broke up with her. I've known him now for 6 years. He's been my best friend for 3 of those 6. Things are happening in my life that causes my man to be away for quite some time. My best friend, in a drunkin stuper broke down and confessed his love for me. I don't love him, not in that way. It took me a lot of convincing to make him realized that he is my friend. FRIEND, once some one becomes a close friend, someone a good girl like me would not want to lose. A good girl would not RISK losing you as a friend by trying to see if it could be more. I can't explain to you the pain I've seen in his face. The desperation of wanting me to know that I deserve more, that he is the one that can give me that, that we were perfect for each other. You might not want to be in this list.
Like I said either way you choose to go about it, you will be OK, it's only a matter of how resilient you are to pains of the heart and time.
Cut contact to heal and maybe she'll come back to you, if she doesn't then nothing lost.
Or keep contact and keep the wound fresh for as long as you want to, with a big possibility that she doesn't come back to you, everything lost except memories(good and painful).
Whew that was a long one, but you asked for it.:D
You know what I agree with you people! This is just going to keep hurting you, so why bother? That girl needs to cut you some slack. If that girl really did love you believe me you would have known if she did without all the "I need a break" and ! Believe me I've been in a worse situation where I fell for a prostitute. That little had been acting for two ing years and not even her family or friends found out that she was a prostitute. Can't believe I fell for that ! And trust me you would NOT want to know what that little prostitute is like. So here's my advise to you, don't look for true love, let true love look for you, believe me it works!
Man, honestly, I'm in the same situation you are in. Listen to me! The longer you keep in touch with her the longer your pain duration will be. Whether you want to be in indescribable heart ache is irrelevant to me, but I'm guessing you don't. I just talked to my EX yesterday to wish her a happy birthday, and stupid me, stayed on the phone for about 35 minutes. I even found out she was dating a new guy. Isn't that great? Now, I'm back to Day 1. But, you know what? That's OK. Because, I'm just going to get back on the horse and continue riding, no matter how many times I fall off. That's what you need to do. The jealousy, the hurt, and the pain you are feeling are all normal. And the contact you are maintaing with her will not help.
You will wake up one day soon and realize we were all right. This will probably be after she has stomped you heart further into the pavement. You are in for a really hard lesson to learn. Sometime people just have to learn for themselves... the hard way.
You will realize this very soon. When you finally accept the reality of the situation, we will all still be here helping others like you.
Good Luck! When your head starts pounding from cracking it on the brick wall of a break-up, take some aspirin. You're going to need it.
The sad thing is you will probably end up blaming her for sending you mixed signals.
So, are you guys who have gone through this kind of situation and practiced "No Contact" happy now? Have any of you moved on and found this magical person who everyone talks about and feels exactly the same way for you as you do for them?
I need some kind of hope here that it isn't just going to get slightly less painful every day.
Life sux, deal with it. :p
J/K
Sorry, I don't think anybody here has that magic wand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
It only gets slightly less painful everyday... Hope your not expecting this pain to just magically disppear because sorry bud, it doesn't work that way.
I was with my ex for FOUR YEARS!! I was a sorry excuse for a man when we broke up but here I am strong and happy again. No I have not met the next girl yet but I am not sweating it, I will and so will you. Look around you, at all the married couples out there... How many of those relationships are first loves?? Barely any of them. To think you are alone in all this is ridiculous, everyone breaks up, everyone goes through this! But you will come out of it OK, it's a learning process... I couldn't imagine being happy when I was you, but guess what, I AM NOW! No contact is the only way to go, these people aren't just saying it for no reason. It helped me and it will help you too. I have gone through it all and can tell you that breaking it does nothing but hurt you more.
REMEMBER, EVERYONE HERE IS PRACTICING WHAT THEY PREACH!! SO LISTEN!!
The pain goes away little by little. If you're looking for a magic cure, good luck. Because, we don't have one.
It's so nice to hear this from a girl's point of view, and from a the point of veiw of someone who did get back together with their true love after a break. It is starting to hurt a bit less everyday, but I really can't see myself giving up hope on our relationship. I know I've made just as much of an impact on her life as she has on mine, and in truth, I can't imagine her being happy with someone else the way she was hapy with me. I do wish her the best, and I do hope that she finds her true love, even if it isn't me. I certainly am not interested in dating again, and I probably won't for an extremely long time, I just don't want to ever put someone else through what I'm going through if I felt the same way about a new relationship as my girlfriend has with me. It's not fair to fall in love with someone and know inside that they are the most perfect person you could ever meet, and then have to move on and try to find someone new.Quote:
Originally Posted by compsavvyimnot
Maybe what I'm saying dosen't even make sense, I really don't know anymore I guess.
I do know that I am not angry with her, and I respect whatever she wants to do or thinks she needs to do, and I will be here if she comes back like she promised. If she dosen't, I still won't hold anything against her.
Well regardless of how you go about it, you will come out of it OK. And you'll learn the lessons you have to.
And you can't help these things, so don't be afraid to hurt or be hurt in another relationship... Its all part of finding the right person for you.
UMM... great, I guess.
But don't be scared to love again.
Remember, you've only live 1/4 of your life yet. So much more to come. Don't make her your everything. Live and learn and grow.
God doesn't give you the people you WANT, He gives you the people you NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you - to make you into the person you were meant to be.
Keep an open mind and an open heart... towards others.
You keep saying the same things over and over.
"She's perfect."
Sorry buddy, she's not.
Seriously, stop being a doormat. Stand up for yourself. Don't wait around for her like a puppet she can string along every time she needs some entertainment.
Sadly, your nothing but her doormat.
I don't mean to sound mean. But, that's the reality of the situation. Grow up.
I got to admit though, this would be much easier to handle if all of my friends hadn't pretty much moved away just before this break up too. My four best friends all had to head back to college and now it kind of feels like I'm all alone.
Hate to whine, but it helps to let this stuff out.
Its better to let it out then to hold it in because it will onle drive you crazy in the end... yeah it will definitely be hard without friends because you need to keep yourself busy... make new friends or go to the club or something do anything to keep your mind off this whole situation
Definitely make new friends. Get involved in other activities... whether it be volunteering, hiking, anything. Pursue your interests. When this happens, you will inevitably make new friends that share these interests.
Friendship is essential. Happiness is greatest when shared. With these friends, you will learn to laugh and love again. Your memories of the girl will be replaced by memories of friendship.
Then, when you least expect it, bam! you will find another girl, and things will start to click. And now, having a battle-scarred heart, you won't jump too fast into the relationship. You will take the time to figure out if she is really the "one". You won't sacrifice your friends for the new girl. You will still remain to be you, with the same friends and interests. And you will love yourself.
And she will love you for not changing who you were when she first fell in love with you. She will love you for being independent, somewhat of a "challenge", maybe mystery even, because you didn't just give your heart away like all of the other boyfriends she had.
But this all starts when you start getting your life together and forgetting the old girl. I'm still at that stage. New year, new life. I wish the best of luck to you friend.
(At least that's what I'm getting from things. I'm only 21 years old, but I've frequented this thread often, and the people here have much to share and tell)
All you need is time!
Building a life that you enjoy, with friends, and activities ,that make you happy, will be the most rewarding, and beneficial thing you may ever do, so forget the other stuff, and get busy.
These have been some of the most encouraging and helpful words I've read yet. I think I might be getting out of this extreme funk a bit, or maybe it's just a temporary high point, but I sort of feel like things are going to be okay right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosomoton213
Thanks again everyone.
I hope not. The love of your life belongs with you.
Good to see you are taking a step in the right direction. I just hope for your sake that you don't backslide when you hear of her with another guy.
I admit I gave up on this thread pages ago when all you wanted was justification for being her lap dog so I don't know if you have maintained contact or not. I hope when she comes calling you have the strength to tell her 'NO'.
I agree with the above its good to hear your doing better juss continue to go ahead don't let yourself fall back into this funk... but you'll be OK
Right here it is from a woman's point of view, who was in the same shoes as your girlfriend a few weeks ago.
I told my fella I needed a break because I did. I needed to re evaluate what we had what we didn't have and what I really wanted. If your girl needs time to sort her head let her sort her head out. If she values school and other aspects in her life then they need to be sorted too. She can't give up on them for a man!!
In case your wondering I never split up with my fella we worked out what we both wanted and have accommodated this between us. If she says she loves you then believe her. Has she ever given you any reason to think that she doesn't.
The worst thing that my fella did though was start being all soppy and trying to make everything perfect and promise me the world. Everyone knows you can't give someone the world even if they ask for it!
Am I the only one that has a problem with this way of thinking? Working or going to school does not mean that you have to get out of a relationship, or even 'take a break', to do well in either (unless the relationship is so unhealthy that has a detrimental effect). If you find that you don't have as much time for your significant other because of school/work then the healthy thing would to work that out with him/her. Not give up all together. My point is that you shouldn't have to choose one over the other.Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalost
I didn't say she has to get out of a relationship, just give her time to sort out what she wants to do! She maybe so in love with him that she can't concentrate on the things she needs to. If like the him she thinks about him all day then this may be affecting her. Her education/ career is impoortant.
All I am saying is that he shouldn't give up on her and automatically start thinking that the relationship is going to end.
Stop giving him false hope he doesn't need to hear. The relationship is at an end. When you are in a relationship there is a fine balance that needs to be met. No matter how stressful the career may be. Relationships are about compromise and understanding. You don't need to completely leave someone to focus on a career.
As I already said I was in his girlfriends shoes a few weeks ago and I repeat me and my fella never split up because I wanted a break. So he shouldn't give up hope. If he wants the love of his life then why shouyld he give her up. He loves his girlfriend and doesn't want let her go so why should he.
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