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Originally Posted by magikman

Been there, done that. Unfortunately, we tend to fool ourselves when we so desperately want things to work out in our favor. Do you REALLY want to know the answer to that question? Be honest, do you REALLY want to know? A good break is in order here, which is what everyone has been saying... I know it's tough, but it'll help clear your head.

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Yeah I want the answer. It sort of falls like this: if she honestly tells me no she hasn't done anything then I'll be happy and leave it at that. If she has done something then I will take that as her actions of completely ending our relationship and not speak to her at all. Like I've said previously I don't contact her anymore and she seems to text or call me every 2-3 days or so it seems. She's asked if I've done anything since our breakup so I'm going to ask as well.

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Originally Posted by lazzyboyy313

Yeah I want the answer. It sort of falls like this: if she honestly tells me no she hasn't done anything then I'll be happy and leave it at that.

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And what if she does say "no"? Then where, exactly, does that leave things for you? It leaves you with the false hope that she still might come back, right? You'll continue to hold out - waiting - dreaming - hoping - grasping for a sign of life that things will pan out. She's already thrown you into the friends-zone, dude.. you said so yourself. Focus on yourself and find someone who REALLY wants to be WITH you, instead of playing these silly friends/not-friends games.

It's just one of the questions I'm going to ask her. If she says yes then it would save me a lot of time and not having to ask her everything else I'm going to. I said I'm going to have a be all end all conversation with her hopefully in the next couple of days. I've gotten my life together. Of course I still think about her like crazy and wish we could just go back in time an change things and get back together, but I'm not grasping on to that as much as I used to. I would fall hard for any words of hope she gave me during the initial break up and now that I don't put myself out there like that and neither does she I've started to move on... SLOWLY.

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I've started to move on... SLOWLY.

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No you haven't you've just gotten careful. Your still stuck though.

So today has been the worst since the day we broke up. I'm an emotional mess and can't do anything but cry and feel so hurt. It's finally hitting me that it's over and she doesn't love me anymore and has just strung me along for her own healing. While she's on my mind constantly I know I'm nowhere near that in her mind. I went to her house to drop off something I got her a long time ago and I planned to have the conversation I talked about in previous posts. Basically I got there and hung out with her and couldn't pull the trigger to initiate the conversation. So it comes time she wants me to leave because it's late and I do the only thing I could, I leave her a letter I had previously written telling her how I feel and all that. I text her saying I left it there after I left her house and I got no response from her. Right now it's hurting me so much to think that she doesn't even care enough to let me know what she feels on the situation. I didn't expect the note to make her have a revelation and love me again or anything like that, I just wanted her input to the situation. She left for her own mini vacation with some friends and she comes back on Thursday. I know everyone is going to say just leave it at what I did but like I've said in previous posts as well, I want to do this in person and get all my emotions out. Problem with that is I'm a softie ( I can't hold in my emotions, I cry too easily when it comes to talking about the relationship) so I don't know what to do. This is the pain that everyone has been warning me about and for everyone that thinks it won't happen to you, brace yourself because it's the worst I've ever felt emotionally

Right here with you Lazzy. I know it hurts man!! Just let it out, you will be fine!

Yes, we have all been there. It will take time to get over this, but you will. You will be better from this experience and will find how much fun life can be after you get off this emotional rock bottom.

Like I said I left her the letter and she didn't respond but I'm left wanting more from her. I couldn't gain the courage to physically talk to her and she's out of town until Thursday. I was thinking we can meet up (I'd tell her I want to give her some stuff back) and actually talk about things and if she doesn't then it's left at that and I get rid of some tangible reminders I have of her, she made me a blanket which I still have.

Throw that stuff away... you have no reason to keep getting in touch with her. You are searching for excuses to keep talking to her... it is over, time for you to heal man. No more contact!

I would just leave everything as it is right now. Why put yourself through more emotional pain than you need. You already couldn't talk to her before, what makes you think that a week later you will be able to?

You seriously need to take a time out from this and get your emotions settle before doing anything. I think you should take all of the stuff that reminds you of her and put it in a box or in the garbage. Why bother giving the stuff back? Like KC said, you're just looking for excuses for yourself to stay in contact.

If it was that important to her, she would have asked for it.

I'm so sorry dude - it's a tough situation, one in which most of us have been there multiple times (too many for me to count!). I removed all reminders of my ex, boxed them up and got them out of sight. Those reminders will tear you up - cause you'll think about all the memories associated with them, and this will prevent your emotional healing. This coming Sunday will be one month of NC with my ex - trust me, it DOES get better. She's tried contacting me a few times, and I've resisted the temptation to respond. You have to take care of yourself Good luck lazzy, I know it's hard but we're all here for you.

I only want to contact her because I'm searching for answers. I want to know in her eyes why we broke up and why she thought dragging me along for 2 months was necessary. I want to know why she played me like this and why she wouldn't just let me go. I know I should just leave it but the unknown is something that drives me crazy as person! I didn't have the courage to talk to her about it because I was afraid it would be the last time to see her and talk to her and it's really hard for me to stop talking to her and accept that a romantic relationship is OVER with her. So I think no matter what I need to have this conversation with her for my own self and nothing more.

Hey lazzy. You already know that the answer for those questions do not matter. If you knew them, then what good would come out of it? Plus, there's a huge chance she might not know the answers to the question, and you also know this.

Of course, this is one of those things where you will do this independent of what we say. But trust us. It's a bad idea.

Well, ultimately you've got to do what you want to do - nobody here can make you do otherwise, although we can make recommendations. The truth is, you're NEVER going to get the answers you're looking for - not today, not tomorrow, not ever. It doesn't matter how many conversations you have, how happy or sad you are, what the weather is, blah blah. You're just NEVER going to find the truth.

When my 5 year relationship ended in early 2008, for many weeks - maybe months - I felt like I needed to seek her out to find the reasons. I thought I needed answers and closure. With the help of friends, family and the wonderful and candid advice of people on this forum, I've now realized that there are no answers. It was just excuses to make contact, and I'm glad I held out. And... the closure I was seeking was in my own heart.
10 months later, I don't need her for closure - I created it myself.

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Originally Posted by lazzyboyy313

I only wanna contact her because I'm searching for answers. I wanna know in her eyes why we broke up and why she thought dragging me along for 2 months was necessary. I want to know why she played me like this and why she wouldn't just let me go. I know I should just leave it but the unknown is something that drives me crazy as person! I didn't have the courage to talk to her about it because I was afraid it would be the last time to see her and talk to her and it's really hard for me to stop talking to her and accept that a romantic relationship is OVER with her. So I think no matter what I need to have this convo with her for my own self and nothing more.

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Here we go again.Q

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Originally Posted by lazzyboyy313

I only wanna contact her because I'm searching for answers. I wanna know in her eyes why we broke up and why she thought dragging me along for 2 months was necessary. I want to know why she played me like this and why she wouldn't just let me go. I know I should just leave it but the unknown is something that drives me crazy as person! I didn't have the courage to talk to her about it because I was afraid it would be the last time to see her and talk to her and it's really hard for me to stop talking to her and accept that a romantic relationship is OVER with her. So I think no matter what I need to have this convo with her for my own self and nothing more.

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Here we go again. Keep on blaming other people for your mistake. How can she drag you along if you didn't want to be dragged.She didn't play you, you played yourself, everyone here was telling you to go NC but still you don't get the point. What answers are you looking for, and do the answers really matters. She has moved on she does not love you.Your questions are answered. Now whatever like crumbs of your dignity you have left, pick them up and move on

After a few weeks of NC the closure will come from within you not her. As your thoughts start shifting from her on to you, your head will clear from emotions--not completely though, but they will interfere much less. When your head is clear you can draw much better conclusions and see things objectively-- except it's not about her now it's about you.

Right now it's all about "Why did she stop loving me?", "Why has she removed me from her life?", "Does she care about me at all?", "Does she know how much pain I've endured?"... But then, when you let your head clear your questions will be "Why did I let myself be treated like that?" "Why was I crying over a chick that didn't value me?" "Why did I waste so much time trying to get her back?"... This is when you start focusing on yourself and in the future rather than her and the past. Believe me, after a month of NC (except for a two-way txt exchange on xmas and nye) I am at this stage. It feels much better believe me. I can finally have fun, eat, be myself--almost. Go FULL NC and everyday you will feel better and better. I promise. NC works for you.


Leave it there mate. Nothing she says will make you feel better. She hasn't shown much regard for your feelings and every time you see her you only set yourself back and get hurt. You want this again? Get your power back. Save your dignity, you are worth more than that.

Pick yourself from the floor, stand up, dust yourself off, and keep walking without looking back.

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Originally Posted by Dare81

Here we go again. Keep on blaming other people for your mistake. How can she drag you along if you didn't want to be dragged.She didnt play you, you played yourself, everyone here was telling you to go NC but still you dont get the point. What answers are you looking for, and do the answers really matters. She has moved on she does not love you.Your questions are answered. Now whatever like crumbs of your dignity you have left, pick them up and move on

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Before I posted on here and had the advice of NC we had been broken up for 5 weeks. During this time she said she didn't know what she wanted and that I should just see how things go. She would contact me all the time and basically acted like nothing had really happened, other than we didn't see each other as frequently. Without me saying it she would tell me she loved me and was confused and yes I wanted to believe everything would be OK so yeah I'm to blame too. She couldn't let go of me easily and that's why she wanted to stay "friends" I get that now. By my wanting to get back together and be happy I made her healing process way easier when I should have stuck to my original feeling of "I can't be friends with someone I love".

side story pertaining to above. We broke up on Halloween day and already had plans to go to a party together and she convinced me to still go to the party. To say the least the party was really awkward between us and it lead to us arguing( didn't help we were both drinking). At the party I told her I couldn't be friends with her because I want her as my girlfriend and nothing else, if she doesn't love me why should I stay with someone like that". She talked me down and eventually I said I'd go along with it because she was "confused and didn't know what she wanted at the time" She would repeatedly tell me things to keep me coming back to her and I played along. She probably knew damn well the game she was playing and the piece (me) she was playing with. I hope I had more value than that to her but I honestly don't know anymore. This has all been a learning process you never learn any lessons the easy way. No matter what I do it's going to be hard, I'll never have all the answers but I'd rather have some of them than none at all.

Expat2009, just last week you told me I should at least seek out the answers for my own self-worth. I didn't go through with the plan I originally had but I think now that she hopefully knows the way I feel she can at least give me the benefit of the doubt to sit down, talk to me and let me go for good. I know she still cares about me but it's the context in which she cares, as a friend and loves me as a friend. If she wants to talk to me she has my contact info, I'm not going to seek her out to have this conversation though.

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Originally Posted by lazzyboyy313

Before I posted on here and had the advice of NC we had been broken up for 5 weeks. During this time she said she didn't know what she wanted and that I should just see how things go. She would contact me all the time and basically acted like nothing had really happened, other than we didn't see each other as frequently. Without me saying it she would tell me she loved me and was confused and yes I wanted to believe everything would be ok so yeah I'm to blame too. She couldn't let go of me easily and that's why she wanted to stay "friends" I get that now. By my wanting to get back together and be happy I made her healing process way easier when I should have stuck to my original feeling of "I can't be friends with someone I love".

side story pertaining to above. We broke up on Halloween day and already had plans to go to a party together and she convinced me to still go to the party. To say the least the party was really awkward between us and it lead to us arguing( didn't help we were both drinking). At the party I told her I couldn't be friends with her because I want her as my gf and nothing else, if she doesn't love me why should I stay with someone like that". She talked me down and eventually I said I'd go along with it because she was "confused and didn't know what she wanted at the time" She would repeatedly tell me things to keep me coming back to her and I played along. She probably knew damn well the game she was playing and the piece (me) she was playing with. I hope I had more value than that to her but I honestly don't know anymore. This has all been a learning process you never learn any lessons the easy way. No matter what I do it's going to be hard, I'll never have all the answers but I'd rather have some of them than none at all.

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I went through the same thing you were going through, my ex girlfriend dragged me around for a whole year before I realized that I was nothing but a backup.
So don't repeat the same mistake I made and move on with your life

If we can rescue anything from this terrible situation it's LEARNING. You, everyone here, and I, are learning tons about ourselves and relationships. All this new wisdom will be very valuable in our future relationships. If they are worth it, not only will they last longer but they will be more fulfilling. More fair to us. We will avoid mistakes we've made in the past and benefit from it greatly. I have no doubt most of us will find someone better eventually and will find happiness in ourselves as we heal.

YES, it will be hard. But the fact is, she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. You think she's figured it out by now? How will she know what to answer you if she doesn't even know herself? If you seek closure from her, you will never get it. Why? Because she doesn't want to close it yet. She wants to keep you there at her side for whenever she needs your friendship. What about you? Don't your feelings matter? Anything she says will not only make you feel bad but will confuse you even more and hold you back. What is it you are expecting to hear from her? Be careful with doing this. If it's what you believe go on, but be prepared for pain. And if you go through with it I would advice that you go FULL NC and start working on YOU as soon as you can.

Dwelling on the past will solve nothing--it will not get her back nor let you move on-- so practice looking into the future. Figure out what's next for you. The future is beautiful but you won't get to enjoy it if you are still not over your past. Past is exactly that, PAST.. you cannot change it all you can do is learn from it and use it to your advantage for the future. You will be more prepared than ever to face it.

Whatever happens I hope it goes well, if it doesn't learn from it and use it for the future.

I'll have to play it by ear really. Right now I'd say I'm going to have this conversation with her but when I sit back and look at the greater picture I don't know if I want to. When I play the scenario in my head we talk and I somehow the revelation hits her that I'm a great guy and she was a fool for trying to leave me. Of course I also play the flip-side where she get's pissed and basically has no desire to speak to me anyway(kinda how I feel right now since I got no response from the letter) She would have to reach out to me in a genuine manner for me to set myself up again for the emotional pain I went through today.

You have been feeding yourself false hope for more than 2 months, and still haven't gotten anywhere.

This is all just wasted time of YOUR life... who cares about her life, this is YOUR life. No second chances, no going back. Start NOW and quit with the fairytale, movie stuff. You owe it to yourself to close this yourself, with no explanation from her. Sometimes some things shouldn't be rationalized.

You are not going to get the answers you are hoping for from this conversation you want to have with her.

With all the questions you ask, she will just give you answers that will lead to more questions.

She is confused and will ALWAYS be confused with you around adding to it. The only way to let her sort out her confusion, and your confusion is to stop trying to get closure and move on.

You are going to keep going around in circles in this vicious loop of pain if you keep holding on to something that is no longer there.

Having this conversation with will solve nothing and lead to more questions and more pain.

Look, there are two possibilities here, she either loves you and is just confused by having a lot going on her life or she doesn't love you anymore and is confused because she feels lonely and that makes her want you to be around as a backup.

In either case the best thing for you to do is to let it go. If she doesn't love and you keep looking for answers, she'll always say "I don't know" and you'll be dragged along. It's not that she's a bad person by doing that, but you are letting yourself be dragged and she's going through motions just like you are, and doing dumb things without noticing.

And if she does love you but has just too much going on, trying to get answers from her will just push her farther away from you because instead of being that supporting and understanding boyfriend she used to hang out with, you are being that needy and annoying ex-boyfriend everyone hates to have. And if you try to ask questions, she'll still say "I don't know".

Notice that the answer in both cases are the same. "I don't know". Because in both cases she has a reason to stay with you and a reason not to. In the first case, she loves you but she can't stand you right now. In the second case she doesn't love you anymore but she wants you around to fill that loneliness.

Hence, forget it. Try to get closure yourself. If you can't because you need more facts, fill in the gaps with your imagination and then move on.

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Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

Look, there are two possibilities here, she either loves you and is just confused by having a lot going on her life or she doesn't love you anymore and is confused because she feels lonely and that makes her want you to be around as a backup.

In either case the best thing for you to do is to let it go. If she doesn't love and you keep looking for answers, she'll always say "I don't know" and you'll be dragged along. It's not that she's a bad person by doing that, but you are letting yourself be dragged and she's going through motions just like you are, and doing dumb things without noticing.

And if she does love you but has just too much going on, trying to get answers from her will just push her farther away from you because instead of being that supporting and understanding boyfriend she used to hang out with, you are being that needy and annoying ex-boyfriend everyone hates to have. And if you try to ask questions, she'll still say "I don't know".

Notice that the answer in both cases are the same. "I don't know". Because in both cases she has a reason to stay with you and a reason not to. In the first case, she loves you but she can't stand you right now. In the second case she doesn't love you anymore but she wants you around to fill that loneliness.

Hence, forget it. Try to get closure yourself. If you can't because you need more facts, fill in the gaps with your imagination and then move on.

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When I read this it really hit me that my situation falls into both cases. I think in the beginning she loved me but she had too much going on in her life and was confused with what to focus on. I think after some time she switched to the other case of not being in love with me, just loving me as a friend, and just having me as a backup because she was lonely. I want to just jump in a time machine and go forward like 5 months so this whole thing can be way behind me and I can get over this. I will say a lot has happened in the 11 weeks since we broke up and thinking in those terms that's almost 3 months now. Either way I'm going to see what direction this goes and just follow it. If nothing happens then it'll be left at what it is. Really sucks because at times I thought she'd be the ONE

Think about how'd much further along you'd be if you'd just gone NO CONTACT and gotten on with life! Unless you start abiding by, and following the NC rule, you're just going to keep racking your brain & heart over and over again. It's hard, but forget how you felt months ago - it's all gone now. Time to move on to better.. Stop thinking about the past - it'll do nothing for you. Just learn from it and move on, my man...

Reality has GOT to sink in at some point for you...

We have all been where you are. The only way to get better and move forward is not to focus on fixing the past, but to focus on building the future.

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Originally Posted by lazzyboyy313

Really sucks because at times I thought she'd be the ONE

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This happens to everyone. Face it man, no one walks into a situation thinking it will fail, but doing it anyway. Life (also called the "X" factor) just happens. If it wasn't meant to be, it NEVER will be. Those that force life usually end up dead or in jail. Just face reality as it is, and focus on your future. Who knows what will happen? No one does, and that is the beauty of life, otherwise things would be pretty boring. Eventually, you will have to face reality, and the sooner you do it, the better and more rewarding you will find situations you come across. If, however, you delay the inevitable longer and longer, you will only dig yourself deeper into a whole, that makes it a much more daunting task to dig your way out of.

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Originally Posted by lazzyboyy313 https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_i...s/viewpost.gif
Really sucks because at times I thought she'd be the ONE

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This might not help, but that's what I thought about all the females I ever dated.

How sick is that?

So I feel you pain buddy, I'm going through the same situation right now. It's easy for us to want to stay friends, but it hurts like hell. Every time you even talk to the ex, you are just ripping off a scab that had just started to heal, and it's not worth it. Happiness comes to our life all of the time. It is a door that opens and closes. The problem is that when that happiness door closes, we stay stuck looking at it for so long, that we don't see the other doors that are opening right in front of our eyes. Letting go is hard to do, but if your going to keep your sanity, then you need to do it. I wrote this down when my break up happened, and it seemed to help a lot:

"Do not dwell on the past and get stuck in the why and how, because you can not change the past. Do not get stuck in the future in the maybes, what ifs, and someday, because you can not manipulate or predict the future. Instead, stay in the moment. The moment is all you have to live for. Be as happy as you can be in the moment that you are in. Accept that moments change in the blink of an eye. When that moment changes, it is the past and don't dwell in it, because it can not be changed".

Hope that can help you a little and give you some insight.

Well to go with the not dwelling on the past and not trying to predict the future I'm going to go about this one day at a time. Today, I don't feel anything and am going NC for the day. As for the rest of the days ahead who knows what I'll do. Each day is going to be different and can bring about something completely unexpected... and no, that's not me referring to her coming back or anything like that.

So last week I had my long awaited conversation with my ex. I must say it was somewhat good and also had it's hard points. I don't know what I went into it expecting but I did get something out of it. It took her saying it was over for good in front of my face for it to really sink in. I also asked what she had done since we broke up and turned out she had made out with two different guys when she was drunk on two separate occasions, one being New Years. That hurt way more than I thought it would and it made me realize that if her making out with a guy hurts that bad how would I feel if she had sex with a guy or got a boyfriend? We finished our conversation and she told me it was up to me whether we still talked and I hadn't decided at that point if I could honestly let go of her.

It was until later on that I thought of other things she's done and I started to dwell on all the negatives she brought to the relationship. She didn't love me and I couldn't change it, why drag my emotions all over the place for someone who doesn't care about me at all other than for their own help and closure? Obviously, hindsight is 20-20 and I wish I had the will power to have just left her at the beginning and I would be a lot better off today than I am. I still think about her all the time and it still hurts me but I know each day will get easier and the less I know about her and see the better I'll be. Time is a slow medication but there isn't anything else.

Also, for all the new users that read this post. I thought I would be the exception and she'd see what she lost in me. Truth is, I'm just a part of the statistic where the relationship doesn't get fixed. Maybe something will happen in the future and maybe it won't, that's the beauty of life, no one knows what life will throw at you at any given time.

We've all been there lazzy. I once, too, thought I'd be the exception to the rule. I know your pain, so do most of us. I know it's hard, but do like we've been advising - improve yourself, surround yourself with friends, and learn to love yourself again! The best thing you can do is leave her be and move on with life!

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted, but I'm glad you're finally starting to get things back on track. Good luck to you!

We have been telling you all along. Move On. Hopefully now you have realized this

Keep your chin up and keep on going with NC. She is the one that's losing out in all of this, its just that you both haven't realised it yet.

Now you have the facts, and can make a good decision for yourself, and as hard a pill as it is to swallow, it will get much better.

So I got introduced to a really cool girl and I was looking for advice on how to go about a new relationship. Too early to jump back in? Should I just try and be friends with this girl and nothing else? I know I just emotionally let go of my last relationship but it's been over for 3 months in real time. If this girl shows any interest what would be wrong with attempting a new and fresh relationship?

STOP!!!

You don't need to latch on to anyone to have fun!

Think fun, one date at a time and with as many people as possible.

Are you crazy?? Relationship?? Forget that, your setting up a false standard for yourself!

P.S,
Excuse me for laughing, but you have to see the humor in thinking about a relationship before you have had a few date. Haven't you had enough attitude adjustment? Listen to the T-Man on this one, and just relax, and enjoy yourself, and your freedom for a while.