Ask Me Help Desk - Am I too obsessive?

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Originally Posted by chuff

Dude, I wish you could see what the everybody else sees from that last encounter. You are winning.

This is not exactly a game, but she was expecting a certain behavior from you and you gave her the exact opposite.

Also, you know when her mom talked to her later she said, "did you say hello to sweet guy 23" and her response was "no." Then her mom said, "why not, he's such a great guy." Her own mother gave you a hug. Her mother is always going to choose her.....hey it's her mother you can't blame her for that, but her mother didn't dis-own you so to speak, in fact she was thrilled to see you. Do not think for one second that wasn't noticed by the ex.

You asked what do you do and the answer is you keep doing the exact same thing. You keep your distance and if she comes to you, then you smile, say hello, and excuse yourself politely. DO NOT get mad or sad, because if you get mad or sad she's going know she still has control over your emotions.......and even if she does you can NOT let her know that.

When you hear that women are emotional, this is what that means. She's thinking with her emotions (and so are you to be honest) and to show her that you've moved forward, you must be polite (and yes, this part sucks), happy, mysterious, and quick as in get away from her quickly. If you start talking to her and you pull off the rest, she's going to know your still interested. So excuse yourself and go. Because all this is going to is confuse her and make her start thinking emotionally, such as "why isn't he talking to me?" and "is he over me?" and "why is my mom giving him a hug?"

She's had her emotional way with you, it's your turn now, and silence with a touch of happiness is the way to show her who's ahead in this.

Yeah I hear you.

But what if she's doesn't care whether her mom speaks and gives me a hug, or her brother speaks to me. What if she just don't care. Because some time ago she told someone I was just the PAST to her (that was 2 months ago).

So maybe seeing me didn't do anything to her. What you think...

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Yeah I hear ya.

But what if shes doesn't care whether or not her mom speaks and gives me a hug, or her brother speaks to me. What if she just don't care. Because some time ago she told someone I was just the PAST to her (that was 2 months ago).

So maybe seeing me didn't do anything to her. What you think...

I don't think it matters whether she cares. It is clear you are an awesome guy, as her mother is still fond of you. Just keep on doing what you are doing, and do not let her mind bother you.

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So maybe seeing me didn't do anything to her

If it did she sure didn't show it. That's fair.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I don't think it matters whether or not she cares. It is clear you are an awesome guy, as her mother is still fond of you. Just keep on doing what you are doing, and do not let her mind bother you.

Yea I'll just keep doing what I'm doing... it really doesn't matter whether she cares or not.

But her family was pretty cool.

You have come a long way man. I am proud of you. You should for sure start helping others out on here more, as it seems you have the perfect experience to do so... good luck!

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Originally Posted by kctiger

You have come a long way man. I am proud of you. You should for sure start helping others out on here more, as it seems you have the perfect experience to do so...good luck!

Yes I have man!! I came a LONG, LONG WAY... since September when I first posted here. I went through so many emotions, and confusion, but it has done nothing more than make me stronger...

Now don't get me wrong... I still care for her a whole lot. But its over and I've moved on, and I'm presently liking a new girl... that Im quite enjoying...

Chuff told me that "I will learn to appreciate number one." And I have indeed.

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

So maybe seeing me didn't do anything to her. What you think...

I think you are missing the entire point. Who cares what she thinks. She crapped over a guy that valued her. Maybe it didn't do anything for her, but this was never, ever about her... this was about you. The strange thing about the human condition is we sometimes place value in those that see none in us. You have done that with her, you are concerned about what she thinks and how she reacts... and believe me I've been there, but look at this board and people that rallied behind you because we saw the real person that she didn't. Look at her own family that still puts value in you because they saw the real person that she didn't. The one on top here is you, you are the one people still appreciate, so the point is start seeing what the rest of see, and start appreciating and valuing number 1 and quit worring about number 3 billion... that's the place she moved into behind every other woman on the planet.

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Originally Posted by chuff

I think you are missing the entire point. Who cares what she thinks. She crapped over a guy that valued her. Maybe it didn't do anything for her, but this was never, ever about her...this was about you. The strange thing about the human condition is we sometimes place value in those that see none in us. You have done that with her, you are concerned about what she thinks and how she reacts....and believe me I've been there, but look at this board and people that rallied behind you because we saw the real person that she didn't. Look at her own family that still puts value in you because they saw the real person that she didn't. The one on top here is you, you are the one people still appreciate, so the point is start seeing what the rest of see, and start appreciating and valuing number 1 and quit worring about number 3 billion......that's the place she moved into behind every other woman on the planet.

You are right chuff. I knew that this was all about me and not her. I guess just wondering did it have any impact on her...

But you are right, I put so much value in her when she put very little into me. I guess I put so value into her because I kept making up excuses for her... and at the same time being so hard on myself... you know??

Anything views that she might have of me would be irrelevant because she doesn't even know me. So that shouldn't even phase me.

Yea her family stills values me alot which is cool.

So she's number 3 billion now? WOW!

But I'm glad that the people on this board rallied behind me, and saw the worth in me... I really appreciate that.

Why does every other post from you have "...?"

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

You are right chuff. I knew that this was all about me and not her. I guess just wondering did it have any impact on her...

Yes it did. She may never admit it, and it may not ever be the reaction you want, but prior to the other day you laid the ground work for a type of behavior and that is what she expected. What she got was something different. Impact was had, and noticed since she kept looking at you.

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

But you are right, I put so much value in her when she put very little into me. I guess I put so value into her because I kept making up excuses for her...and at the same time being so hard on myself...you know???

Sadly, I do. Sadly, I have done this with just about every woman I've ever dated. People think I'm coming down on them here, and in reality I'm trying to scream the sense into them, because I can see what's happened to me happening to others. You can not beat yourself up in an attempt to prove you love. Making yourself suffer will not bring them back and in fact it does nothing for you other then continue the misery. We sort of give ourselves permission to beat ourselves up, but now I'm suggesting you give yourself permission to bring yourself up. I'll flat out tell you, this girl is beneath you. It's not that you don't deserve her, she doesn't deserve you. You are the prize and she's lucky to have had you... her luck ran out... not the other way around.

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Anything views that she might have of me would be irrelevant because she doesn't even know me. So that shouldn't even phase me.

Not only are they irrelevant and she doesn't know you, you know her, which is more powerful then her knowing you.

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Yea her family stills values me alot which is cool.

Think about that for a second. Don't let that pass by. Many families think somebody isn't good enough to date a member of their family. Her family not only thinks your good enough to date her, they think you good enough to talk to after the break up. There's a certain coolness about that that I think speaks volumes about you, that you just need to take in, not to get arrogant about but to accept your value.

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

So she's number 3 billion now? WOW!

Well... actually the very last woman in line is rosie o'donnell. I can't think of to many women worse then her, and that includes your ex.

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

But I'm glad that the people on this board rallied behind me, and saw the worth in me...I really appreciate that.

Everyone except Jiser. That guy talks a lot of smack.

Just a joke people.

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She's at the END of the line now. SO WHAT IF SHE COMES BACK AROUND???

You deal with it, and don't get wimpy. She is just another person to you. How would you deal with any one you haven't seen in a while??

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Originally Posted by chuff

Yes it did. She may never admit it, and it may not ever be the reaction you want, but prior to the other day you laid the ground work for a type of behavior and that is what she expected. What she got was something different. Impact was had, and noticed since she kept looking at you.

Yeah I'm sure she suspected for me to come all up to her trying to talk... but NOT SO. I've already had failed attemps back when I kept breaking No Contact to try and talk to her about me and her situation.

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Originally Posted by chuff

You can not NOT beat yourself up in an attempt to prove your love. Making yourself suffer will not bring them back and in fact it does nothing for you other then continue the misery.

Yea Chuff, I felt like I had to PROVE my LOVE to HER, I felt like I wasn't taken SERIOUSLY, like SHE DIDN'T CARE that I was hurt or anything. I felt like I had to explain to her why I was as hurt as I was, because it seemed like she just DIDN'T GET IT. And WORST of all I was BEATING MYSELF UP BADLY OVER HER.

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Originally Posted by chuff

We sort of give ourselves permission to beat ourselves up, but now I'm suggesting you give yourself permission to bring yourself up.

Bringing myself up is just what I've been doing... I'm in the gym, switched my style of dress. Just really making some GOOD changes about myself... POSITIVE ONES.

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Originally Posted by chuff

I'll flat out tell you, this girl is beneath you. It's not that you don't deserve her, she doesn't deserve you. You are the prize and she's lucky to have had you....her luck ran out...not the other way around.

So this GIRL is BENEATH me? Are you serious? For the longest I felt like I didn't deserve her.

So I was the prize, and her luck ran out??

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Originally Posted by chuff

Not only are they irrelevant and she doesn't know you, you know her, which is more powerful then her knowing you.

YES IT IS! BUT CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT MORE PLEASE???

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Originally Posted by chuff

Think about that for a second. Don't let that pass by. Many families think somebody isn't good enough to date a member of their family. Her family not only thinks your good enough to date her, they think you good enough to talk to after the break up. There's a certain coolness about that that I think speaks volumes about you, that you just need to take in, not to get arrogant about but to accept your value.

Yeah definitely not ARROGANT about that but just THANKFUL that they saw the GENUIENE person, and the HEART that I had.

Her mom even text me lastnight "HAPPY NEW YEARS" and me and her was playing around being silly through texts. Definitely thankful.

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Originally Posted by chuff

Well......actually the very last woman in line is rosie o'donnell. I can't think of to many women worse then her, and that includes your ex.

She's at the END of the line now. SO WHAT IF SHE COMES BACK AROUND???

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You deal with it, and don't get wimpy. She is just another person to you. How would you deal with any one you haven't seen in a while???

I believe he is asking what to do if she tries to reconcile their relationship... or maybe I am reading it wrong.

If she comes back around, don't jump right back in head first. You have to STOP, THINK, and ASK "Do I really want this?". "Do I notice a change in her?" "Has she changed?"

If you decide to get back together, take everything SLOOOW!

However, now is not the time to think about that, because it may never happen. Just stay the course you're doing great!

Sweet guy I just read the whole thread and I have to say I'm very impressed. I wish I could do what you did with my ex. You went no contact after falling off the wagon a few times. I can't seem to do that! I have fallen off way too many times and I just want to tell you your doing great!

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Originally Posted by husky04

sweet guy i just read the whole thread and i have to say im very impressed. i wish i could do what you did with my ex. you went no contact after falling off the wagon a few times. i can't seem to do that! i have fallen off way too many times and i just want to tell you your doing great!

You know it was not easy at all. I won't even lie to you and tell you it was because it wasn't. I went through a lot of emotions dealing with her and the break-up. Disappointment, frustration, confusion, feeling used and led on. But I had to realize "hey if she really wanted me her actions would definitely be different" I mean her family saw more in me than she did... you know?

I had to let go.

You know Saturday I had to see her again... well as I was walking from outside... she was sitting there eating and she spoke and said hello, so I said hi... and went on about my business as usual...

Good one mate! It must be even harder to maintain NC when you still bump to each other every now and again. Can't imagine what I would do in the same situation. You are making a lot of progress for yourself. Keep it up and one day she won't pop into your mind even once.

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Yall know Saturday I had to see her again...well as I was walking from outside...she was sitting there eating and she spoke and said hello, so I said hi...and went on about my business as usual...

Nice. What you did hear was two things. The first is you let her come to you, even in the greeting she came to you with the initial greeting. The second was, you walked on. It's not who she was expecting. You told her through actions you don't need her. You are slowly reclaiming your power over her.

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Keep on truckin' and you'll get there.

Will I ever get to the point to where she won't matter to me anymore... I still think about her often... thats pretty much about it though... but I want it to get to the point where if I see her, even if she is all dolled up and looking good it won't affect me at all... no butterflies, or nervousness just nothing... You know?

One thing that I am grateful for is that I don't beat myself up anymore... all the:

"I should of did this better"

"I should of did that more"

"If I wouldn't have said that, me and her would still be together"

"If I didn't allow the hurt and confusion and the frustration to boggle my mind then..."

I've stopped all of that because of the main fact that I am a good person, and she never made any action to try to work things out

Her mom told me a few months ago that

"When she broke up with me that the only reason she came to me was because everybody was telling her how wrong she was. She felt GUILTY, she didnt come back to me because she really wanted to...she didn't want that guilt to hang over her."

So she was basically just going through the motions... didn't apologized for anything, but she sured told me how wrong I was... you know?

I mean she didn't even sit back and evaluate the situation and think to herself:

"Hey Kevin must really be hurt and confused behind what I did to him emotionally"

Its like she didn't care... or if she did, she didn't show it...

And she didn't LOVE me at all...

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

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What is this?

It is almost like his computer has a mind of its own. He has some of the most double posts and random posts I have ever seen... idle hands? :)

I was trying to change something and ended up messing up that post... sorry...

But you guys understand where I'm coming from on that post right..