That's the thing... I think she has been figuring it out and seems she realised what we had (I am not kidding when I say it was unbelievably good for about 90% of the time). I've been out with lots of women and this seemed different, easy, meant to be - well until the last 2 months ot so.

Its hard as I know she's not happy but is too stubborn to pick up the phone / contact me - perhaps scared too (as am I).

I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't at least try at some point to fix it - just wish she would contact me first. I'm worried that her knowing what she told my mate and my non contact will drive her off.

If I don't hear from her in the next few weeks, I was thinking along the lines of:

The email above or;
Xmas Card or;
Texting Merry Xmas / NY

Was also thinking of just sending her an oragami crane in a box to her for xmas - its how I met her and thought it may pull some emotional heart strings.

Don't know really, just thoughts at the moment.

J

Hi All

I've posted somewhere else more detail aout this, but I would be interested to know, particularly from a female point of view what I should do in this situation.

> My ex finished with me 7 months ago, but a pretty good break up.

> We're pretty much in no contact with each other and she's given me no sign of wanting to get back together.

> She then told one of my friends that she is still in love with me last month (but not me I might add!)

> She lives 4 hours away, but I'm due to start a new job in the NY that will take me close enough for a relationship to be feasible.

I want her back, if you were in my shoes, would you:

> intiiate contact (she will be close to my home over the xmas break)

> continue with no contact - and if so, what do you think the chances are of her coming to me?

I am interested in all opinions but particularly women obviously as I'm confused as to what she's thinking and where she's at?

Help

J

Nobody can fully answer this for you but I think that you need to listen to yourself on what you really think would be the right thing to do. And be very careful when you make this decision. Think really hard about it and don't just make your decision because that's what you want make your decision based off what you know and what you think is right.

What do I know?

> that she left without saying goodbye (dont think she could tbh)

> that she definistely did love me, then went a bit funny and said she didn't - never really believed her

> that she's given me nothing since

> that she loves me in November

What is right?

> I don't know?

> I love her... unconditionally

> I want her back

> I don't want to mess this up - If I ask for a meet, she may decline, think I'm needy (other things that aren't good) - may stop her reaching if I stay in nC

> If I stay in NC, she may never come around and I could lose her through inaction

So tough... can't think about anything else

J

I doubt she would initiate contact. It all boils down to whether you are willing to take the chance of being rejected or not. There is always that risk, but if you feel it's worth it, then you have nothing to loose. If you were to contact her and tell her how you feel, I would definitely be cautious and try and maintain a certain amount of pride in the process. This will help if she was to tell she doesn't feel the same way, but will also increase your chances if you aren't coming off as desperate or needy. If I were you I wouldn't wait for her to have the guts to talk to me, just think about how indecisive you are about contacting her, and girls tend to be more shy and more sensitive and afraid of rejection, unless that's just me...

Hey guys

Posted on a here a week or so ago - here's the update.

> Found out 2 weeks ago that the ex had cornered my mate at a party in November and said she still loved me / kept going on about me. Apparently she was pissed, but he said there was no confusion... it lasted about an hour. She didn't tell me though! She's also never spoken to him in any depth before, so it seemed calculated.

> I stressed for about a week as to whether to contact her (haven't been in touch other than an odd email for about 6 months) - she lives away (although I'm moving relatively close to her again in NY with new job in my company).

> Well I decided I needed to at least gauge where she was and called her Wed - no answer, so left a message saying I'd called to see how she was and that to give me a call so we could have a chat and catch up. Nothing very heavy at all, although it was obvious I was nervous as I spooned it up a bit.

> She replied by text, apologising for missing my call and that she was a bit busy at the mo, but would call me on Thursday to chat and catch up. Showed this to a few of the girls I was out with and they thought it was quite positive (with the kisses and bothering to reply etc). I replied saying no problems, speak tomorrow.

> She didn't call, nor Friday or tonight.

I'm really confused now. I mean, I wasn't expecting her to profess her undying love for me again, but I think her conversation with my mate says she cares for me at some level (even if she doesn't want to reunite). As such, I find it baffling, she replies to rearrange and then doesn't call!

I mean, wouldn't it be easier not to reply?

Been pickling my brain for the past few days and whilst most of mates think she's nuts, they do agree with my best guess that she's probably confused and doesn't know what she wants.

Any ideas... and what do I do as even when I've tried to sort it, I get myself here?

The first thing I would ask..

Is.. Is your friend telling the truth many time in these cases. Friends of ours would like to us.. to kind of make us feel better.
Not knowing what could happen.

He said she said stuff is never a good idea to break contact on. In the first place

But you have done it.. so lets not dwell.
She said she would call back but has not.

She did say there was a lot of work going on. So she could just be real busy. Give it a week. If she has not contacted you by then.. I think it is safe to say that back to no contact for you.


Anyway I know how your brain is working now. And its very annoying.
Just and calm the white noise in your head somehow. Watch a few movies and relax over the weekend.

All the best

I personally never believe second hand conversation, and ignore any words that contradict the actions, of a person.

So you see, whatever your friend has told you about the ex is irrelevant, and should be ignored.

Hey,

I would say if she had this love and caring for you, wouldn't she be the one trying to call and contact you? I understand what you mean though about talking to her and wanting to catch up and her saying sure tomorrow or what not, yeah... I've been there man, my call never came either and that was three weeks ago. Honestly, you need to realize that this break up happened for a reason, it's most likely better off for yourself, you might not see it now it'll take some time but you will see it. I did. I haven't been happier and, I would've never thought this three months ago when I was ready to ask my ex to marry me but, here I am through hell to heaven.

You need to realize that staying in no contact with her is the best thing you can do, you do NOT want to influence this person back into your life, they need to be influenced by themselves and they're surroundings. For example, if she see's a couple out walking holding hands having a good time, you don't think she's thinking about you? Come on dude! Like stop worrying about things you can not control, I'm sorry for rambling but, I'm tired of reading these sob stories about people who just want their ex back and blah blah blah, seriously. If it was that GREAT of a relationship, you would NOT have broken up. This person has ripped out your heart and soul, and smashed them, and all you want is to LOVE them and take them back! If she wants to get back with you, she WILL contact you, it WILL happen, if that's what she wants down the road. Understand that they day may NEVER come, and who the hell cares. You guys had a good run, now you both get to go start a new one with some one else, and possibly a better one.

I Hope This Helps,
LCM

Hey guys

One thing I need to emphasise is that it was my friend (not hers) that told me and even then, he didn't tell me for about 4 weeks... so he certainly wasn't telling me to give me false hope. He came pretty close to not telling me at all!

I know things will / do remind her of me (although I have my moments of doubt... particularly following 6 months of her dealing with this by not addressing anything, running away and acting like I never existed).

I've been in NC as I agree, its only her who can make that leap - however, I wasn't sure if this was a reach and I called her to chat and then I could gauge if it was or wasn't.

I have no intention of pressuring her (Never have and never will - she knows this as well).

Just impossible not to question what she's up to / going on in her head. Sure its confusion on her part... but the 'white noise' makes things difficult.

Pity... as its all so unnecessary and I deserve more in terms of not being ignored (be it as a friend or lover).

Quote:

---

He didn't tell me for about 4 weeks..

---

That only makes it more irrelevant.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

That only makes it more irrelevant.

---

Perhaps, but the fact of the matter was that I was told it and it was messing me up. I tried to sort it out in a non pressured, unconfrontational way so as I could relax and get on with my life one way or the other and its met with these stupid childish games, where the ex says one thing and does the opposite.

Retrospecitvely, I probably would not call her now - but then I wasn't expecting her to act like a 10 year old! 'I told you so', isn't much help at this point.

DUDE. Stop worrying about it. Who cares. She broke up with you it's over. The sooner you realize that the better you will be.

Here's the deal, the same kind of drama happened to me a weekend ago. I'm going to pretend that I don't know about it.

She told my friend that she misses me, blah blah blah. But bottomline, she didn't tell me.

She knows my number by heart. She probably still has it on her phone. She knows where I live. If she wanted to really contact me, she would have chosen a better method to do so. Hell, I would even take the pony express.

But because she chose this guerilla tactic, I'm guessing that she wanted you to react in a way that would assure her that you're still "around", which you did.

If she really wanted to get back together, she would find you. Even if it meant pushing 7 numbers on the telephone... see what I mean?

And honestly, if she didn't make an "effort" to get back together, I would think that the resulting "relationship" would be more of the same.

That would get old reaaaal quick buddy.

You can either choose now to go no contact and move on, or continue beating yourself in the eye with a sharpened stick until you reach your breaking point, and then you will choose to go no contact and move on.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

And honestly, if she didn't make an "effort" to get back together, I would think that the resulting "relationship" would be more of the same.

That would get old reaaaal quick buddy.

You can either choose now to go no contact and move on, or continue beating yourself in the eye with a sharpened stick until you reach your breaking point, and then you will choose to go no contact and move on.

---

I absolutely agree 100% - don't get me wrong guys, I have no intention of contacting her again (unless she decides too 1st) - I am doing my best to move on but its bloody difficult - especially when she's using 'guerilla tactics' - this thread isn't intended to be 'How do I get her back' - it's more trying to understand what she's trying to achieve by this latest episode and saying one thing and doing another, so I can assess, react if necessary and put it to bed. Then I can focus on me again.

... oh and I've not mentioned her conversation with her or any of her mates, so to be honest - following a 6 week deferal, I doubt she thinks my call is in response to it.

Never underestimate the female mind, that's why they are best left alone or marry them.

I heard from a few credible sources that the keepers, the ones that really want to be with you, don't yoyo.

Cheers Guys

Still think NC is probably the best solution to this... again, however, I wrote this out as a release earlier and the more I think about it, the better an idea it becomes to send it.

What do you think? It would certainly give me back my power - wonder how she would react?

Hi ****

I note that you didn't call following your text and lied to me once again, about contact with me. I'm pretty let down, particularly as I had and have no intention of making you feel bad or uncomfortable.

I'm confused as to your behaviour, as I don't believe I've done anything to warrant it, either during our break up or thereafter. If I'm honest, your behaviour and attitude after we split has hurt me far more than anything you did, during the split.

I've made a number of exceptions for your poor behaviour from the turn of the year and admit that I probably took the easy option of blaming your exams. However, we are not in a relationship any more and if any of my friends had treated me the way you do ...well they would have been told to shape up or would not be my friends anymore.

So it's up to you from this point – I bare no grudges, no animosity, a clean slate - but I won't accept being treated like crap either. This email's not intended to make you feel guilty or bad, but I'm fed up with being the recipient of your poor behaviour.

It's your choice from now on.

Writing her a letter

Will only give her the power
If that's what you want..
Tell her that you are hurt that she lied to you. And didn't call when she said she would.
Is basically what the letter will say..

And what's the point.

The most powerful thing you can do to someone

Is ignore them
And it's the one of the hard things to do
Anyone can write a letter
Telling people how they feeeeel.

It does not matter how you feel. Or how she feels anymore

Don't let on how much it hurts to her.

Honestly, the letter seems like a "pity me" tool. Don't use it, it will have the opposite effect.

She didn't call back. She showed her true colors. Let it go and never ever look back.

How is this taking your power back? It is doing the complete opposite, and giving her 100% control!

If I got a letter like that, I would think it was a letter saying, I'll take you back when and if you decide, because I don't have the balls to stand up for myself, and I will let you treat me however you want, as long as you come back.

Then (if I was this type of person) I would do what I wanted, for however long I wanted to do it, until I got bored or lonely, and I would remember, oh yeah, the ball is in my court! I can call him! He's right there waiting for me!

Then I would come back to you until I got bored again, and wanted "my space," and I would leave you just like I did last time, because you will probably take me back when I get lonely again anyway!

Don't send her that letter. Trash it, and take your power back for real this time.

Your letter does not give your power back, but shows how truly stuck you are, and sorry, words mean nothing when what you need is some positive actions in your own behalf, and No Contact IS THAT ACTION, so burn the letter, and disappear from her life.

Dated my ex for almost a year and she finished it about 7 months ago. Not been in contact for this time …haven’t spoken to her in person or seen her since June. Fairly certain that there is nor has there been another guy in this time (touch wood), although I did date a girl for a couple of months ending it before xmas.

Well I found out she told a mate of mine at a party that she still loved me in November and after trying to get it out of my head for about 6 weeks, I broke and called her in December. I left a message as no answer and said for her to call me if she wanted to catch up. I received a text back apologizing for missing the call and that she would call ‘tomorrow’ so we could catch up. She then didn’t.

I then received a personalized but generic Christmas text off her and then a NY text saying it would be good to meet up soon in 2009. I replied saying that it sounded good and that she could help me check out my new city I’m moving to if she wanted and since then she hasn’t replied.

Can anyone explain what she’s doing as I’m confused?

Thanks

First off, can you explain what your doing? Are you trying to rekindle the flame? Why did you break up in the first place? Sounds to me like she's also confused and is dragging you along for a ride.

Well I'm not trying to instigate anything with her... I want her back, but I understand that she has to make up her own mind on her own - so I've pretty much been in No Contact with her since June.

We broke up because.. Well she lost attraction, but it also coincided with her finals where she handled the pressure poorly.

To be honest, I think I became a bit needy / placing too much importance on her and letting her get away with murder to be honest... but it was also to do with the exams.

However, there's no real reason that's ever been given or discussed... we've never argued. It was all a bit odd. After we split she acted like I didn't exist and left without a goodbye, giving me my keys back etc. She ran away rather than face up to things.

Over-reaction as I was her first serious BF, first love... she was talking about me moving away with her etc.

J

I think you started something and your adding to the confusion. Your first mistake was contacting her, you should've never done that sometimes it's best to leave the past in the past and move forward.

Let this thing go for now. Do not call her, text her, etc. This girl needs to figure herself out. If she calls you act casual and don't make promises to call her back or ask her to.Just let things ride and see where it goes. But do not hold your life up over this. As you said, you became needy when you were together. The last thing you want to do is repeat past mistakes.

Go back to, and stay with No Contact. You're a good example of getting confused all over again, by breaking it.

Just wing it, I'm going through the same thing right now and have kept no contact and she's the one contacting me and I'm just letting it playout and head where its going to head, what happens happens

You need to go back to having no contact.

At present you are setting yourself for a bigger fall and making a lot more baggage to carry around with you.

You made contact off the back of what a friend told you, this person your Ex made no contact with you, you made the contact. Maybe your Ex is just trying be nice rather than just texting back Stay Away.

Well, no contact gave you some sort of security, right? You weren't confused about her anymore, you didn't want to rekindle anything, you were doing just fine. And now, when you broke the NC, you are confused, and you want to rekindle an old break-up that will probably lead to another break up. Statistically, most couples that break up don't end up getting back together and, when they do, it usually ends badly again. All of your confusion started when you started contact, so go back to no contact and move forward. Almost everybody here is giving you the same message, and I hafta say, it's probably right.

Well it's a free country so she can go wherever she wants but that doesn't mean that you have to see her nor have contact with her.

Very briefly, we split last April and have pretty much been in No Contact ever since. I started getting indications that she was cracking September / October time. However, she lived away (she moved for a job) and there were no real reaches of note. Then she told my mate she still loved in November, text me xmas and then again in new year – this time hoping we could meet soon.

She didn’t get back to me when I agreed but then turned up at my leaving party (we talked for about 2 hours …nothing heavy) and then she text a week later, asking if I wanted to meet. She then cancelled via phone as her new job start date had been moved forward and she needed to look for a place to live (she pretty much talked at me for about half an hour about her life …didn’t really ask me much about mine …women lol!) Left it with her to re-arrange when she’d sorted herself out.

Well since then she’s gone awol. I know its only been 10 days since and she has a new job to start, a new home to set up (now pretty near me) and I think she may have been away in Ireland this weekend with her mates (I forget when she said), so I know there are many reasons as to why she’s not contacted me.

However, I can’t help worry that I’ve messed this up somehow …particularly with V Day approaching next week? I’m back in NC and focusing on my new life/job/home etc. The mindset is getting there, but this is difficult to manage as I was sure she was on the point of breaking and now I fear her new life will push me to the back burner once more (perhaps never to return).

Have I misread this situation? Hopefully I am playing this correctly... what would you do?

J

Stop 'playing it'.


This girl is not being fair to you. Why do you want to start a relationship with an ex?

They become an ex for a reason. Dude, go back to NC and concentrate on you. She's only ripping you down because she feels like it (probably bored or something) and now she has things to keep herself busy... bye bye J!

Tell her that you've done just fine without her until now and to stay away if all she's going to do is mess with your emotions.

Best of Luck.

There's an element of truth to the above and she's definitely not being fair I would agree

However, I also think that there's an element of pride/fear (and immaturity) involved - I am fairly certain that she's just not that mean or calculating. I get the distinct impression its more that she doesn't know what she wants or what she's doing than deliberately doing a) then b) etc.

Or that she knows she may have made a mistake, but she's not admitting to it, prides too big, trying to justify it to herself etc. One of her mates called me a few weeks ago and told me that she said she'd asked her if she saw us getting back together and settling down... her response was 'I don't know' - apparently not giving anything away.

That tied in with her admission of love to my mate back in November reinforces my belief that we split for external reasons (and not ones to do with me)

It's been about 9 months now since we split, so I know that I'm not acting out of emotion and that rightly or wrongly I still love her - just don't want to get burned again.

Re: cancellations - They could be excuses (though don't think so), but timing hasn't helped as the 2 times sheis tried to meet I've been in the arctic and then her new job got moved forward, meaning she needed to find a place to live.

Still think I should stay in NC?

J

I really do. Until she comes back with something concrete that you can react and talk about - continue doing what you were doing and concentrate on yourself.

Live for yourself and if she comes into your life she is welcome to join provided everything is sorted and defined, you just get more confused the more she contacts you with mini things and its really not doing you any good at all

Why are you the one jumping through hoops?

If she loves you then she should be putting in equal effort.

You're already making excuses for her and you don't even know what's going on yet. I'm going to go out on a limb and ask 'Remind you of any relationships you've had? '

And you are acting out of emotions, love is an emotion. As people, alot of our actions are done out of some emotion and are normally reactive. But with an ex it's always out of emotion. How could it not be? If there was any truth and love in the relationship to begin with, those emotions don't just go away with NC. NC is about self protection, and in my opinion that's what you need now.

Stay with NC, as you are still so full of false hope, and she is living her life without you in it. You should be doing the same.

Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs.


Read, and reread!!!