Ask Me Help Desk - How common is "the nice guy"?

No sokay, I was saying that you seemed to be defining "nice guy" differently than I was (at least in some of your posts), as were a lot of other posters. ("et. al." means "and others" in case you didn't know... )

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Originally Posted by Toluca_86

no sokay, I was saying that you seemed to be defining "nice guy" differently than I was (at least in some of your posts), as were a lot of other posters. ("et. al." means "and others" in case you didn't know...)

So, Toluca, perhaps you'd like to explain what I said that was different from your definition of 'nice guy' in that, it seems your last post implies that your definition is, somehow, more realistic than mine, (et.al.)...

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Originally Posted by Toluca_86

("et. al." means "and others" in case you didn't know...)

LOL!

No sokay, I was not implying that yours was more or less realistic than mine, just different. (You may notice that other posters claimed girls who said "nice guy" expected a Prince Charming by the way, I wasn't pulling that out of my arse). Yours was different, because I never said I expected my guy to give all his attention to me and not flirt with other girls. That I think is something that a "nice guy" (by my def.) would work out on an individual basis depending on his girlfriend and his own female acquantences, to minimize the chances of hurting peoples' feelings.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I like pampering a guy but they always end up taking me for granted and thinking I am
weak or something. So I guess how a guy treats you can have a bit to do with how you treat them but being the nice girl can backfire on you because they mistake your devotion as meaning they can walk all over you.

Hey,

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I like pampering a guy but they always end up taking me for granted and thinking I am
weak or something. So I guess how a guy treats you can have a bit to do with how you treat them but being the nice girl can backfire on you because they mistake your devotion as meaning they can walk all over you.

Hey, I wouldn't mind being pampered, now get back in the kitchen and get my supper. That's me being a man...

Hi Honey, have you had a good day? How about I take you out for a nice supper. That's me being kind and considerate...

I can do both.

We should all learn that when you take up and form a relationship with another person it is 2 individual lives coming together. Your individual life needs to be balanced with your new partner. If you both continue living those lives and not putting into "the relationship" then the relationship cannot grow and it shouldn't be surprised when it fails.

Conversely if you BOTH put something, not just financial or time, but yourselves into the relationship then at least it has a chance.

Take note that the words above are from one that has failed in 2 marriages and several relationships. That'll teach me not to listen to my own advice or maybe I'm just a slow learner. But I'm still one of the nice guys.

Ross Geller and Gregory House in one thread...

LOL, had to Google Gregory House. Good one.

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Originally Posted by Toluca_86

So I think from my (admittedly somewhat limited) dating experience, I've come to the following conclusion:

If there is such a thing as an all-around "nice guy" he's rare.

What's a lot more common are guys who are pretty obviously jerks, or else guys who most people /think/ are nice b/c they're nice to their female friends and maybe their girlfriends, but they still manage to screw over other women in ways that no one besides those women are really aware of.

Thoughts?

I totally agree. I know there are lots of bad girls around but guys should open their eyes and SEE & UNDERSTAND who they are with! Personally, I've been always supper nice to my ex boyfriends, non of them deserve my good behavior.
I almost believe that there is no any gentle man in the world anymore!

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Originally Posted by Kitty1978

I totally agree. ... I almost believe that there is no any gentle man in the world anymore!

I'm a nice guy. Really I am. I've even been told by one female recently that I am kind and gentle. I am nice enough to be her friend, but not I'm not her boy friend. Other guys have girl friends that they verbally and/or physically abuse. Knowing that and feeling even less attractive than these jerks is destroying myself esteem :( I don't get it, do any girls in this world even want to be with a nice guy?

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Originally Posted by DMA

I don't get it, do any girls in this world even want to be with a nice guy?

Yeah, the ones who self esteem just got destroyed by the jerks... :)

No seriously, you need to think through all the crap that you see. It really isn't all bad and don't let yourself get disillusioned.

The problem with a lot of nice guys is that they get into this mode of "I am a nice guy and that puts me at a huge disadvantage..." You want to see how many girls will like a nice guy? Then change your mentality in that girls would be lucky to have you - not the other way around.

This has got to be a hot topic.. I stopped reading half way because I noticed some of it became attack-y lol. But anyway, I'm here to give my own opinion, I respect what you guys think too, but in my opinion:

I think that there is no such thing as a particular 'nice guy' / prince charming or whatever, because everyone is individual, be it women or men. Some of us have green eyes, some of us have blue eyes, just like some of us have particular characteristics that you would desire. You just have to search for your MATCH. You can't change a person, so a girl walking out on a bad guy won't necessarily make them change, because that is who they are. And by saying 'bad' - what is bad? We all have different expectations and desires, therefore we look for our own MATCHES, and who we are compatible with. A guy who is protective may seem desirable for some (and it is for me) but for others it may be annoying. We all look for people who we have the qualities we like. But if you can't find anyone with the qualities you like? What can you do? Just keep searching. It takes time to find the right partner. You go through many heartbreaks to find 'the one'.

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Originally Posted by Toluca_86

Yours was different, b/c I never said I expected my guy to not flirt with other girls. That I think is something that a "nice guy" (by my def.) would work out on an individual basis depending on his gf and his own female acquantences, to minimize the chances of hurting peoples' feelings.

Hm. That's an interesting perspective.

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Originally Posted by DMA

I'm a nice guy. Really I am. I've even been told by one female recently that I am kind and gentle. I am nice enough to be her friend, but not I'm not her boy friend. Other guys have girl friends that they verbally and/or physically abuse. Knowing that and feeling even less attractive than these jerks is destroying my self esteem :( I don't get it, do any girls in this world even want to be with a nice guy?

As a woman, I've turned down plenty of men who I've known in my life, and I usually use some version of the blanket excuse, "I only like you as a friend, but gee, you're such a nice guy".

I mean, why would I tell him, "You're ugly and fat, and you seem to have anger issues which creeps me out"? That would seem a bit unwarranted. And I'd rather let a guy down gently than have him turn up at my doorstep later that night looking for vengeance.

Holy crap sokay.

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Originally Posted by sokay

As a woman, I've turned down plenty of men who I've known in my life, and I usually use some version of the blanket excuse, "I only like you as a friend, but gee, you're such a nice guy".

I mean, why would I tell him, "You're ugly and fat, and you seem to have anger issues which creeps me out"? That would seem a bit unwarranted. And I'd rather let a guy down gently than have him turn up at my doorstep later that night looking for vengeance.

If I was ugly and fat, and had anger issues, I would rather you tell me that, than some bs about me being a nice guy.

Doesn't a guy deserve to know the truth, even if the truth hurts, at least I would have her honest opinion, and in knowing that, it may change the women I approach, or even the way I approach them.

In thinking about it even now though, since I'm not fat, and ugly is a biased opinion, and I don't have anger issues, maybe if I did, I would choose the bs instead?

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Originally Posted by progunr

If I was ugly and fat, and had anger issues, I would rather you tell me that, than some bs about me being a nice guy.

Doesn't a guy deserve to know the truth, even if the truth hurts, at least I would have her honest opinion, and in knowing that, it may change the women I approach, or even the way I approach them.

In thinking about it even now though, since I'm not fat, and ugly is a biased opinion, and I don't have anger issues, maybe if I did, I would choose the bs instead?

Yes, those three examples I used (fat, ugly, anger) are actually only three of any possibility.
For whatever reason I do not like the guy (whatever reason), I'd usually tell him, he seems like a nice guy, but...

If it's some dude at the store I barely know or from my library, or whatever, do you really think I want to take a chance that he's not some angry weirdo, and put myself at risk? Nope.

Very true, Prognur. If I was dating the guy for a while, and didn't like some aspect of his character, I would probably feel more comfortable telling him so, as delicately as possible, in hopes that he will amend it. And I wouldn't be dating him in the first place, if I didn't find myself at least somewhat attracted to him.

I'm talking more about either strangers or people I know as friends or friendly aqcuaintences. I wouldn't tell them the truth about why I don't want to date him, it's much safer to go the route, "You're nice, and a great friend, but..."

I have even dumped boyfriends in the past, and told them what a great guy they are, because I didn't want to hurt their feelings, and/or have them (possibly) go psycho on me.

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Originally Posted by sokay

As a woman, I've turned down plenty of men who I've known in my life, and I usually use some version of the blanket excuse, "I only like you as a friend, but gee, you're such a nice guy".

I mean, why would I tell him, "You're ugly and fat, and you seem to have anger issues which creeps me out"? That would seem a bit unwarranted. And I'd rather let a guy down gently than have him turn up at my doorstep later that night looking for vengeance.

Ok but when you get to know someone over several days, and they want to spend more time with you, then you know they like you at least. You know you don't "creep them out". It's not always them lying to you to let you down gently.

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Originally Posted by DMA

Ok but when you get to know someone over several days, and they want to spend more time with you, then you know they like you at least. You know you don't "creep them out". It's not always them lying to you to let you down gently.

Right, it's not always that there's something I strongly dislike about them. But usually there is some reason I've turned them down or dumped them. I mean if they really were that great, I wouldn't have dumped them/ turned them down.

And yes, Sometimes, in spite of being nice, I'm just not attracted to them. And that lack of attraction, again is not because of, but in spite of, them being nice. Nice is a good quality.

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Originally Posted by DMA

I'm a nice guy. Really I am. I've even been told by one female recently that I am kind and gentle. I am nice enough to be her friend, but not I'm not her boy friend. Other guys have girl friends that they verbally and/or physically abuse. Knowing that and feeling even less attractive than these jerks is destroying my self esteem :( I don't get it, do any girls in this world even want to be with a nice guy?

How do you define yourself as "nice" ?

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Originally Posted by Kitty1978

how do you define yourself as "nice" ?

I'm a nice guy as well. Here's my definition: I don't play games with people's emotions, I don't misrepresent myself in order to make someone attracted to me, I'm respectful to people who are also respectful.

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Originally Posted by NeedKarma

I'm a nice guy as well. Here's my definition: I don't play games with people's emotions, I don't misrepresent myself in order to make someone attracted to me, I'm respectful to people who are also respectful.

Do you thing lots of guys out there say that they are not "nice", when they play those games?

I dated someone which told me he just wanted fun from our first meet. He was not what I wanted, maybe he was a jerk even, but he was nice to tell me from the beginning. So we stopped the relation, and It didn't hurt,

But I had two other ones, which pretended to be very very nice and faithful, but I just remember of "PAIN" from my last 2-3 months of our relationship. So you thing they believe that they are not nice?

In my idea, guys obviously ignore girls emotions, and they think that its just being spoiled... they can't understand "deep feeling". At least ones I ve met been like that :(...

What the. Guys ignore girls' emotions?

I think it's even on both sides. Some guys are idiots, some girls are just plain stupid. If we can't understand "deep feelings," tell that to the thousands of guys who are here on the relationship forum that come here after being dumped after 3 years of a great relationship because the girl found someone new. I'm not saying that it's the girls' faults... but if that doesn't say guys can understand "deep feelings" then I'm not sure what does.

I'm sorry about your past experiences but your can't judge all men by the actions of a few. At this moment my wife is receiving flowers at her office to celebrate her new job. We are all different in the same that women are all individuals. Yes people lie, just hang on to your standards - I've dated many women who played a part to please me at the beginning only to find out that's not the real person that they really are.

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Originally Posted by NeedKarma

I'm sorry about your past experiences but your can't judge all men by the actions of a few. At this moment my wife is receiving flowers at her office to celebrate her new job. We are all different in the same that women are all individuals. Yes people lie, just hang on to your standards - I've dated many women who played a part to please me at the beginning only to find out that's not the real person that they really are.

You mean I should keep getting hurt and searching for "nice" guy? You know, I become badly clinically depressed just because of those bad experiences, at this point that I'm writing here...

Hm. That does stink.

But look at it this way, diamond miners mine for days without finding something.

Your other options are... to just stop looking, and hope one'll come to you... but really, us nice guys, we're all out there.

Ok, then pick the 'dangerous types' and enjoy yourself.

Before you pair up with anyone else make sure that you are happy with yourself or it will always be destined to failure.

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Originally Posted by NeedKarma

Ok, then pick the 'dangerous types' and enjoy yourself.

Before you pair up with anyone else make sure that you are happy with yourself or it will always be destined to failure.

I'm happy with myself, I've been good in everything, successful in job, education, I look very good (I shouldn't say it myself, I know) anyway... but relationships... Oops... I don't dare anymore...

Nothing wrong with a little time off. Go out with a group of girls and have fun, you never know what may find you. :)

Just want to add to kitty's posts something along a similar line:

I've observed over my life, that people who advertise themselves as being something, are not. For instance:

People who call themselves 'open-minded', tend to be 'open-minded' to those who agree with them;)
People who call themselves 'nice guys' tend to be nice only when/till it gets them what they want, (which isn't really very nice).

... etc...

Whereas, people who are something, They do not advertise it, they just are.

Well, in that case, I'd like to say that I'm the biggest jerkoff in the world.

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Originally Posted by sokay

Whereas, people who are something, They do not advertise it, they just are.

In real life this is correct but hard to do on a website don't you agree? I guess I'll just have to have my posts back me up. But you seem to be more cynical than me, and that's tough to do! :)

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Originally Posted by sokay

Just want to add to kitty's posts something along a similar line:

I've observed over my life, that people who advertise themselves as being something, are not. For instance:

People who call themselves 'open-minded', tend to be 'open-minded' to those who agree with them;)
People who call themselves 'nice guys' tend to be nice only when/till it gets them what they want, (which isn't really very nice).

....etc....

Whereas, people who are something, They do not advertise it, they just are.

Who advetised herself! He told me you should be happy with yourself first then others will be happy with you. I just meant that I have enough reason to be happy with myself. I don't need to convince people here that Im good! I don't know anybody, and nobody knows me.

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Originally Posted by Kitty1978

who advetised herself!? he told me you should be happy with yourself first then others will be happy with you. I just ment that I have enough reason to be happy with myself. I dont need to convince people here that Im good! I dont know anybody, and nobody knows me.

Wow, you completely misunderstood my post. For starters, it wasn't directed towards you at all.

Sorry kitty, I think you misread sokay's post...

sokay just meant if someone says that they're rich, they probably aren't.. . that type of thing.

Not directed at you.

OK, sorry...

But I can't delete it anyway...

Yeah, thanks, Sneezy, that is more what I meant:)

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Originally Posted by sokay

Whereas, people who are something, They do not advertise it, they just are.

I find that advertising myself as an @ss gets the job done :).

I may seem like a jerk at first, but after a couple conversations, I'm the nicest guy in the world.

I'm quite the opposite. I may seem like the sweetest guy in the world.

Spend 5 minutes with me, and you'll be calling me an arrogant jerk.

I don't go 2 days without someone calling me an @ss.