Thanks bigbird. I still feel a little bad since I did promise her way back that I will help her out for awhile until she gets her feet wet but I thought she'd be a bit more aware of not abusing it and that she would be a bit more appreciative of what I am doing for her. I don't know if she is trying to be all non-chalant trying to play it cool or follow NC by avoiding me as much as she can but I just can't live like this, obsessing about it anymore. She may be a little upset but I have to focus on me.

This board has tons of great advice. Too bad it is so hard to follow when you don't keep control of your emotions. But I'm gettin' there...

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

Can she transfer the funds into your account?? , that negates having to meet up with her.

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I suppose she could just mail me a check. But just having this joint account is a reminder of her and just getting the bill reminds me of her and causes grief. Recent events is proving to me that she really is moving on and I need to also and give up on false hope. And the biggest example of cutting loose that false hope is cutting her loose from my account.

I agree with you closing the account , I just meant for the money she owes you now.

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

I agree with you closing the account , i just meant for the money she owes you now.

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I'm not even going to bother. I don't care anymore. I'll just chalk it up as expenses for lessons learned...

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Originally Posted by bigdee

I'm not even going to bother. I don't care anymore. I'll just chalk it up as expenses for lessons learned....

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LOL... good for you , I love your attitude :)

I think you came to your senses quite quickly my friend... we are proud you are a member here... (applauds).

Stringer

Thanks Stringer! Though I don't know if 3 months is coming to my senses quickly LOL! :)

I would definitely close the account, I agree with you 100%

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Originally Posted by bigdee

But when I followed up with her on when to meet, she said she is not sure, that this weekend she is busy and she is really stressed out. I said what about Friday and she said that she is often tired from work and doesn't have the energy to meet me but maybe she will think about it and if she feels like it she will let me know.

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Well she thought about it and decided she is too tired, stressed and feeling a little sick to meet me around the corner at a Starbucks from where she is living for 15 minutes. She says she needs to "relax" instead even though I told her I need to work something out with our account ASAP. Nice. I wanted to explain politely that I need to cancel the account for my own good and that I sympathize with her stress and that I feel bad that this is a bad time to do this to her. Well I guess I will just have to leave a message and tell her I am canceling it ASAP and too bad. I can't believe I spent so much money and effort to help her out for this long and I can't even get 15 minutes. I am furious!

I agree you need to close the account. She is taking advantage of the situation. She agreed to meet you and give you some of the money but she can't be there for you and keep her word. She is taking advantage of you and she should pay every penny that she went over what you had agreed to... and then some!
Tell her that since she can't be bothered meeting with you and giving you what she owes you you can no longer be responsible for her bill and you are having your name taken off the acct and the bill closed out. Make sure you get your name off the joint acct before she finds more ways to ruin your credit.

N0help4u - I know I will sound horribly naïve when I say this but I am almost positive that she isn't intentionally taking advantage of me. She really is an emotional and sensitive person and lets stress and feeling a little sick really wipe her out. Also she isn't the type to ever intentionally take advantage of someone and I am near certain she really does intend to pay me back at least some money. That's why I am still a little sad to cut her off but I am really sad and upset that her effort level on this is really abysmal. When we were together, we braved all sorts of tiredness, sickness, distance to spend some time together. I definitely feel taken for granted that's for sure and why I need to cancel this thing which is causing me all sorts of emotional grief (it's not even about the money anymore and I can care less about getting a cent back from her now)

Thanks for listening.

Yes she most likely isn't intentionally taking advantage of you but her getting a free ride at your expense IS taking advantage.

I see that thread about creating an open letter to your ex. I want to do the same except I want to really send it to her. I have always been nice to her and never really gave her my true feelings of frustrations. Put of the reason was I wanted to "keep it nice" in hopes that she'll want to come back to me. I am finally severing all ties and I want to let her know what she put me through. Not be nasty but she never fully understood what I felt. I think she needs to know. So maybe she can correct some of her behavior. I know most suggest to not send it, but I want to. Bad idea? I think it will help move on for me to be honest... get off my chest to her. I don't care if it shows to her I am still all emotional over her because I don't plan on seeing her ever again.

Should I send it?

I think sending it is a bad idea. I letter from you is not going to make her change her behavior. She's only going to think that it is criticism from a bitter ex boyfriend.

Write the letter. It will make you feel better. But don't send it. It will be something you can never take back.

No you shouldn't, the letter will accomplish nothing. May even get a return to sender, if she even gives it that much thought. Trying to guilt her into coming back is like a last ditch effort your trying. This is just another attempt at breaking no contact, don't waste your time. Write the letter, put it in a box and let it be done

Nope.

Bigdee,

Is it perhaps that you are still feeling a little bad about this because you are finally realizing that the hope you have been holding onto is gone? Not because you think she might pay you back, or she isn't doing it on purpose, but because you don't want to let go but are realizing there is no other choice??

I think that you are finally coming to realization that you need to move on and get rid of this last link between the two of you. No matter what her intentions, feelings or motivations, you need to do what you need to do FOR YOU and move on...

Glad to hear your thinking rationally...

Send it here instead!!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-154321.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-ex-60729.html

Well I wrote the letter... felt good... but I will take everyone's advice and not send it. I was thinking of posting it in the links Tal posted above but I got carried away and wrote so much I don't think I could fit it!

Anyway thanks again for the support everyone...

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Is it perhaps that you are still feeling a little bad about this because you are finally realizing that the hope you have been holding onto is gone? Not because you think she might pay you back, or she isn't doing it on purpose, but because you don't want to let go but are realizing there is no other choice???

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I originally didn't think so... but I actually dug deep down into my tangled mess of feelings and realized that you are right... LOL I am not as noble as I thought!

No. You cut the bills separately!

Seriously, set a deadline for her to pay the bills. Don't be passive about the situation.

I'll do even better, I'll remove her from my account completely!

Bigdee, yet another proud moment... good.

Stringer

Bigdee, like everyone who has given you such intelligent advice you yourself sound like a very intelligent man with a big, huge heart. Sometimes a person is taking advantage of someone without really realizing that they are and you gave her the opportunity to do that unintentionally. As long as you are giving her your hand to hold onto without requiring anything in return then she really isn't going to make an effort to come back to you as you had hoped in the beginning. Once you revoke your hand to her, she will truly be on her own and have to do it by herself. This could be very scary for her at this point since you have been the one who took care of that account that she uses.

The hardest thing to do is letting go but it is the most loving thing that you could do for this person. She's wanting to be without you [sorry] so you must let her take care of herself by herself.

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Originally Posted by bigdee

I'll do even better, I'll remove her from my account completely!

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Good!

ARGH!! I am am trying to meet up with my ex to tell her about dropping the plan. She keeps postponing. First the weekday is bad because she is tired after work. Then the whole weekend is bad because she's stressed, tired, busy and a little sick. I beg her for 10 minutes this weekend. Since relents but Saturday is so busy for her so we made plans for Friday... which she cancels because she's tired but says she can do Saturday now.. that actually her weekend really isn't too busy. Today she calls and says she is feeling sick so maybe Sunday if she feels up for it!! I'm going nuts. She is indeed sick and stressed but I 'm frustrated. I call her (and leave a message as she usually never picks up) and tell her nicely to not to bother trying to meet me, that I will let her know what's up later. Maybe she really doesn't want to meet me even though she initiated the idea of meeting up in the beginning for a coffee and maybe give me some money. I'd like to tell her about dropping the joint account to her face-to-face as I think that is the proper way to do it but I think I'll have to do it over the phone! Then again she dumped me over the phone so maybe it is not a bad idea.

ARGH!!

She doesn't have any money for you. I believe that is the main reason of her avoidence. If the money she said she would give you at this point isn't a real big issue for you, maybe just go ahead and close the account or remove yourself off of it so it doesn't continue and meet up with her when it's more convenient for both of you about the money she owes you.

If compensation is an issue and you want her to pay you back for the last 3 months maybe a small claims court could be of assistance. But don't let her keep you in a constant state of suspension. Like the rednecks say, "Git'R Done." :-)

Yeah the money is no big deal to me, just more the sense of lack of respect or appreciation. I know her financial situation isn't all that great, even with her starting a new career. The funny thing is that she is the one who offered to meet up this weekend in the first place. Maybe she had some money back then but then since spent it or something? I'll probably just tell her that I'll close the account by phone. Since I don't care about her giving me money and since it's probably best I keep NC, I won't bother trying to meet up with her again.

Oh she did return my call and leave a message saying she is sorry for all of this and that she really appreciates my patience and that she still wasn't to see me again sometime to hang out and give me some money, just that this weekend is bad.

Whatever... *sigh*

Bigdee,

You need to just do it. I can see from your posts and the way you have been writing that you are making excuses for the way she is treating you. She is pushing you aside as a low priority/avoiding you. Your right, you don't deserve that, but why are you trying to change the attitude and actions of someone who isn't in your life anymore? She made her choice, now you have to make her live with it.

Stop making excuses for her actions and stop trying to change those actions. Both are futile... Cut the cord and move on buddy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigdee

Yeah the money is no big deal to me, just more the sense of lack of respect or appreciation. I know her financial situation isn't all that great, even with her starting a new career. The funny thing is that she is the one who offered to meet up this weekend in the first place. Maybe she had some money back then but then since spent it or something? I'll probably just tell her that I'll close the account by phone. Since I don't care about her giving me money and since it's probably best I keep NC, I won't bother trying to meet up with her again.

Oh she did return my call and leave a message saying she is sorry for all of this and that she really appreciates my patience and that she still wasn't to see me again sometime to hang out and give me some money, just that this weekend is bad.

Whatever... *sigh*

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Call up the bill company and insist that there is a bill misplacement.
If she doesn't pay back, get the judge.

I just wanted to send a big public "Thank You" for all the support I've gotten on this board. It has really helped me get through some rough stretches..

It must be frustrating to take the time to give excellent advice only to see me (or anyone else) say thanks and then not follow it (like breaking NC, etc) and then see the same rant/vent posted again only to have to give the same advice again. Even though I may have trouble following what I know is great advice, it is definitely very very appreciated...

Thanks!

Well it's finally done. We met up to discuss the account and I told her what I wanted to do (end it). No argument from her as she pretty much agreed that it was for the best (and especially for me). I felt a little bad since she was going on about her financial pains but hey I got to do what's best for me. She went on about how she needs to pay me back and once she gets settled, she will give me something (which she has been saying for months). I told her to forget it and let's just move on. Later I ended the account officially and it felt good! Now it's finally over... the last tie! No more excuses to break NC now.

Been about 4 months since we ended it. Though NC was constantly broken, I felt pretty good since ending it. While I have a setback here and there (like today, hence the urge to visit this site again), for the most part I can now almost go a complete day without thinking of her as I've picked up other interests to occupy my time. And when I think of her it no longer brings me so down as it used to...

Let my experience serve as a lessons to other here struggling... best to cut all ties ASAP! And also... it DOES get better over time!

I am glad you are totally moving on with your own life now. No more toting around someone else's baggage. I wish for you the best and that real true love enters your life. You should go celebrate now. Celebrate the beginning of your new life.

I am relieved, and glad for you my friend, now the new adventures can begin.

Thanks to everyone for all the kind words! Looking forward to really moving on. I'm sure I'll hit some pitfalls here and there but I'm sure they will diminish over time...

Exactly! Way to have a positive outlook on the situation! Keep in touch

Wish my ex a quick Happy Birthday via e-mail. For some reason I'd feel a little bad not doing so because I think it is a trivial thing to do so. We are on somewhat friendly terms though we don't keep in contact too much anymore.

Bad idea?

How long have u guys been NC?

NO! If you are asking this question are aren't over your ex yet. I would highly advise against it unless you are completely over her

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Originally Posted by h0llister

how long have u guys been NC?

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It's complicated. We broke up over 4 months ago but we had small periodic contact during that time for various reasons (we had a joint account that we need to close, other logistics, etc... all mentioned in previous posts by me) which have since been ended so the actual NC has only been 2 weeks.