The only thing I'd slip into the mix is that although it feels rude and insensitive the way he treated you about his son coming home, it is also understandable.

Divorces are touchy things. You don't indicate why you divorced, or if his wife knows about you. If not, then discovering you in his bed 3 weeks after the divorce might reveal the affair you were having prior to the divorce. (Yes, it was an affair, he was still married, right? I'm not judging, I'm using the terms that are accurate and will be used against him.. ) No way you want to risk his custody arrangement, right? Right?

So, his first priority is and always will be to his son. Even if you two get married, his responsibilities to that boy come first. Keep that in mind. It should make you love him all the more if you view it properly.

You coming second isn't a demotion. It's a promotion over all the other things he would spend time on except his son. View it correctly.

Now, having said all that, I know you're hurt, but you have to get in line with his decisions about his son and since you've been kept secret, you do what you're told regarding getting introduced. OK?

This stuff will work out. But you HAVE to be able to stand in your guy's shoes when you're angry at him. You MUST.

You guys are funny... dating at this age really sucks... cave walls are good to read sometimes... look at. See how other people live(d). Especially for those of us who try so hard, TOO hard.

After I wrote the letter, this is the response I got...

"Julie the chili is awesome. Not sure why u blew me off last night I made several attempts to see you so we could talk, oh well!
Thanks for making the chili. "

"Oh, well!" ?

Weird answer.

Yes, dating at this age really sucks. :)

Oh well? I don't know if I should respond... that summed everything up. Like he could care less.

Funny thing, he never did say he was coming over to "just Talk" he was going to pay me,
And give the paintings back to my friend... he still has my shotgun, and other stuff over there of mine.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by GDArtist

Oh well? I don't know if I should respond...that summed everything up. Like he could care less.

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I think he's trying to pretend it was just some minor misunderstanding and everything is fine. I think the best response is no response.

That is how I feel too... but it made me cry... it was very insensitive... thank you so much for your advice... I pray he will think about what he just wrote.

3 months ago, he started comparing me to his wife, who he hated... I had to pay for the sins of his wife... she stole from him, cheated on him 4 times and never worked, he totally supported her. I wrote him a letter, telling him to never compare me again to her, or I will have to let him go. I told him I have worked hard all of my life, every day I worked, raised 3 children by myself, with no child support or help financially, bought them each cars, helped them with college, and there father wanted nothing to do with them, never came to their birthdays or anything. The newspaper wrote a story about me a while back... because I started my own business stating all of the work I do for others, to help their businesses grow and give mine a name. He apologized and he's never compared me to her again. He wanted to break up with me, because he said I didn't deserve what he was doing to me, to wait till the divorce was final. He did for about 3 hours, then he called me back and said he couldn't.

This was again, very insensitive. It really brought me down, and I believe no response is the best answer... Thank you for being so kind.

I think you are over thinking, over analyzing, and being way too over emotional here.

Everything he seems to say even an "oh well" you are dissecting out.

My guess is that this all went down and 1) he didn't realize you were looking at every word and action so closely and taking it so personally and 2) he probably doesn't think this whole event where he hid you is a deal breaker. He has so much on his plate right now this is one of those things couples look back on years after as remember that silly thing. It may hurt now but I bet that he just didn't see it that way. He got caught in a bad spot and did something dumb, it happens.

Instead of communicating how you feel effectively you are spinning in your head on his every move, just stop. Dating is hard at any age but it gets 100 times worse if you over analyze every step of the way. Just relax and go with the flow, he didn't say he'd not have you come over anymore he said he wouldn't till he told his son. You have to respect the way he is handling this because as much as I hate to say it the divorce and his care for his son is way bigger then anything you can provide right now other then your understanding.

Pushing too hard or being too emotional is just going to find you on the outside looking in because he won't have time to manage all of it at once. Guess who will be the first thing cut off that big old plate of stuff he's dealing with?

Thanks you for the comment.. you are probably right. Got any advice on what to do next?

Like what JBeaucaire said, divorces are touchy. Being introduced to my dad's girlfriend less than a month- I don't even know if it was that long after my mom died was REALLY hard. Yeah, they were getting divorced but I didn't know that my mom and dad were divorced, just knew that my mom was in a nursing home the last year of her life. Obviously your situation is different, but I was 11 and I don't know how old your boyfriend's son is, but it takes time to warm up to a parent's new boyfriend/girlfriend and probably the best way to meet them is not by finding out they he/she spent the night.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by GDArtist

thanks you for the comment..you are probably right. got any advice on what to do next?

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I would try to slow my feelings down and take a deep breath. Relationships need to go slow but due to extra added circumstances yours needs to go even slower. You're so wrapped up on the feelings and trying to figure it all out when what you should be doing is just trying to enjoy what happens and let it grow. Just reel in some of your emotions and don't get so worked up over things.

He likes you, you like him that should be enough for now while he deals with his divorce. Give him some space to get it all straight and I think you will feel better, instead of spinning wheels wondering about where you fit just do your thing and let him figure it out.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by epiphany

I would try to slow my feelings down and take a deep breath. Relationships need to go slow but due to extra added circumstances yours needs to go even slower. You're so wrapped up on the feelings and trying to figure it all out when what you should be doing is just trying to enjoy what happens and let it grow. Just reel in some of your emotions and don't get so worked up over things.

He likes you, you like him that should be enough for now while he deals with his divorce. Give him some space to get it all straight and I think you will feel better, instead of spinning wheels wondering about where you fit just do your thing and let him figure it out.

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Well said!:D

You are right. That is a terrible way to find out... but he was suppose to introduce us all Thursday night, my kids were excited... my guy changed his mind...

I agree with much of the advice given. It never makes sense to me and may never will when a person gets into a relationship and instead of enjoying it we find ways to complicate it. Nothing in the story is worthy of starting fights for. Just enjoy, we all need to put a perspective on things.

Imagine Tal is guilty of each and everyone's mistakes on this thread? Not just one or two but ALL of them. Perhaps that is why the advice is so bang on, been there done that:) What a hellraiser you must have been lol.

Sorry, not thread but site.

I think I know why your over reacting to meeting his son. You probably think that if you met his son, someone who is important to him, it means that is is serious about you and that's why you got mad that he made you hide instead of introducing you. Him not doing that or him not letting you met his son, to you, means he isn't taking what you have serious.

I have a daughter and she didn't met my fiancé until almost 6 months into the relationship. I very cautious who I let around him and I keep my dating life separate from her. She doesn't met everyone I go out with and even when she met my fiancé we meet to amusement park. Vise versa with my fiancé, I met his son around the same time. Even though you was with him for 5 months, he was going through a divorce and the divorce was only final for 3 weeks.

Give it time and focus more on where your two are heading. Relationships are a gamble and unpredicatable. There ar other things that needs to be iron out and once that happens then everything else will fall into place. He have things to overcome and so do you. Make the bond stronger and secure and once that happens then worry about meeting his son.

Thank you... he did introduce me to some of his college friends, two weekends ago, at a party. That was huge... He is emailing me today, stating he is in meetings - and I told him how beautiful it is outside, there was a bunch of guys golfing on the course... so I am making it lighter... I appreciate you helping me. I am just not real good with the relationship thing, and this man is awesome. I hope he can put up with me. I have so much to offer...

It was awesome. He invited me over for dinner, to meet his son, he cooked steaks. I didn't plan to bring my daughter, but did, and they talked all evening! It was great. I was so nervous. But we had a lot of fun! I am so happy.. So any advice about how to keep this
Very light? Lol I am just so happy...

Um... try keeping it light?

Hehe, what are you asking? Sounds like you're doing fine. As soon as you start stressing over something, assume YOU'RE the problem and stop stressing over it.

Other than that... life can be bearable and fun if you just keep it simple.

Go with the flow, and enjoy the moment.

What do you do when you go up and down in a relationship...when the person you are dating, is just one day doing so awesome, then the next he is treating you badly without thinking...on a phone conversation- again without thinking he says something very degrading, belittling - my only reaction was I said the FU word and hung up...I was sick. Since this happened, I haven't heard from him. He tries to cover up his actions, yet he gives me a sorta apology.
He went hunting for the weekend...with buddies.

I wrote him this below. Just gotta stop being a punching bag for him...I need to stand strong..it is very hard, at the risk of losing him though?

Thank you for admitting you don't always say things the right way...

I cannot be compared to your "X" or "Anyone else" I am special to you... so I hope, I am Julie... I am different. Please don't punish me for the constant conditions you and your X wife had together that were so negative. I am here because I love you. I am happy, and loving, caring and know what's right and wrong, I don't steal and cheat or take money from people, or scream and yell or write bad checks, or abuse people... and am so honest it hurts... I have feelings you. You and your X fought all the time, because neither of you could give in and apologize for hurting each other, or sit down and talk about issues that come up. I won't get in that rut of not talking things out with anyone who claims they care about me and can't apologize when they are wrong, issues of the heart need to be worked through. When I am wrong, which I am not perfect, I apologize and want to talk it out and move on.

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. How we react to those feelings is what is right or wrong. I don't always handle my passionate feelings correctly, especially when I am directly insulted... but I will never say FU again, and I am sorry I said this. The FU is not really the issue here. I was in such shock about your words, it was my only reaction. It was not an attitude, but a genuine reaction! An attitude is a settled way of thinking. I don't believe I have an attitude. You insulted me when you pointed out that I don't have much of a studio but the other guy did, with a couple of guys working under him. That made me feel inept like you thought he has to be so much better then me. You told me you were taking out a graphic designer to YaYas to do your brochure. I reacted because I was insulted by the person I care for with all of my heart. I don't care who the hell you hire, but the way you said it... insulted my core, my talent, my being, and made me think you don't believe in me. It was personal, and it hurt enough for me to react the way I did.

My little tiny business without employees and a studio yet... is very serious, and I work very hard at it, and take pride in the work I do. Becoming a realtor is something I've always wanted to do, but being a graphic designer, is my heart.

My feelings and yours matter and if you are going to downplay them, this won't work. We are both special and deserve to both be treated with respect. I want a relationship with you, where we don't shut each other out but where we can work things out together... by sitting down and talking. Not by email or texting. I shut you out last week and I am sorry. Now you are doing it to me with this issue. We need to sit down and talk, when we have issues come up. I want us to be able to share our successes and failures with each other. Communicating our feelings is important...

You haven't seen me since Tuesday. You say you miss me so please take time to see me before you leave.

xoxo

He wrote...

Julie, I in no way had intentions to hurt you. Sometimes I don't say things the rigjt way. It isn't the way you think it is. Sometimes I have to let my partners see the light first before we do anything.

I thought it would be best just to leave you alone and not talk to you because you would just jump back in this whole ordeal. My X would say f u to me when she was angry with me and I have decided I don't have to deal with that atitude anymore from her or you or anyone else.

I had a bunch of the guys over tonight that are going hunting and we are heading out Saturday morning.

Have a good weekend.

Miss you too.

Abusers remorse and women seem to always come back for more. Why is that? If the guy is abusing you whether verbally, emotionally or physically why do people insist on staying in the relationship/ Is it fear? Is it worry about money? Ladies, if you are in a relationship and the other person is abusing you GET OUT! There are lots of caring,loving people in the world who would enjoy your company. They may not be Joe Atlas, but so what. Looks finally end and you are then saddled with the real personality. Which might not be such a bad thing if he is loving and kind.

Thank you... for your words... time and effort 450donn... I never thought of this as a sign of abuse. He insulted - hurt my feelings so without even thinking about what he said. I was so so hurt.
AND he won't apologize, and compared me to his Xwife...
Sucks.

The good thing about a roller coaster ride is, you can get off anytime you want.

me and my boyfriend fight all the time about random situations and sometimes it doesn't even matter.
I love him so much but frankly I think your staying with him cause you don't know what you want and I don't think he does either that's why he tries to create distance between the two of you...
I know it's hard but follow your heart

Thank your for your responses... what bugs me is... how I responded and how he downplayed my feelings. We are very very close. He tells me everything, and this bothered me. We are together almost everyday. This is the longest we've been apart!

Yeah it sucks, and takes a lot of getting use to.

Its also a good opurtunity to balance your life by finding out what you like to do without him.

Having your own friends and activities, is a good way to feel better about you, and your life.

Alright, Well to be honest i was in a relationship like this for 10 months... Im going to be straight up and tell you im only 15 but i know what youre going through... I was completely deicated to this boy. Everything i did, i did for him. I went out for our 6 month anniversery to TIffany's and bought him a promise ring type deal that had our names engraved on the outside and 12-21-07 on the inside. And everyone was so angry i spent all that money on him cus all ha ever did was treat me terribly. Like there were times when i was trying to be so sweet and show him how much i care about him, and i kinda got the sense that he was pushing me away when i did that... Kind of like he was scared to hold on to anyone, because of his previous relationship... The relationship he was in before was awful... I stood by him through it though. The girl he was with cheated on him all the time... Just completely made him look like a fool all the time... And he stayed with her for 7 months and it was then that he looked at it like "Whoa, There are so many other people out there for me. I dont have to deal with this. I can move on and be happy with someone else." In your case thats kinda like you're getting a bad feeling while youre on that roller coaster so you think the best thing to do is get off... And once you do get off you can look around and see there are so many other roller coasters around. Ones that dont have such terrible corners and straight up and down drops. Life is full of bends and twists.. you have just got to follow the road that leads you where the least of them are.... Your heart is normally the key thing leading you there too. Do whats right for you even if you decide to back off for sometime.. If he comes back around than you kno he cares about you. If not move on... Thats what im doing. And it seems to be working out well. You are a person, a human being... Not an item. Good luck... I hope it goes well.:)

Talaniman, thank you for your response. It's been since Tuesday since I've seen him and my daughter and I got to meet his son that day! That was awesome, it was a great evening, he cooked us supper. Everything was perfect. But Wednesday, when I got mad about what he said in regards to my business.. which it takes a ton to get me upset, he downplays my feelings. He thinks I should be left alone and it really bothers him I said FU to him (which I would never say to anyone - it was just so painful to hear what he was saying- I had to say something and that came out) like his X did! I wonder why she said it all the time.. if he treated her like he did me! He avoided the real issue - of hurting me. He is hunting this weekend, with a bunch of guys, Guy time. I am trying to find things to do. It is hard when you are use to centering your life around him. I know I will not contact him, he gets back today, see if he calls me, see if he wants to see me. Funny, he hasn't talked to me either.

Chey1221 thank you for your response! For being 15 you are really smart... keep your head on track.. love can make you think in the box sometimes too much. That's why I come here. It helps me go out of the box and see things from different perspectives... which is so hard to do when you are so in love. I am going to let him call me, chase me - We are crazy about each other, he has a lot of bad habits from a BAD 20 year relationship. I met him when he was going through a divorce, in July, and his divorce was just final 4 weeks ago. His X and him fought all the time, and it was horrible, he had the sheriff remove her from the house.. 10 months ago. He and I met, we've been like glue, we can't stay away from each other. BUT I don't know what to think about what happened. It is hard, cause I love him, and he won't apologize, he needs to learn to apologize, I did for saying FU and hanging up the phone. I've never done that before but what he said about my little business, my life was so so painful... This was so not me to do that. I don't know what will happen next other then we are a match. He needs to get out of his bad habits. You keep up the good work, and learn from others Chey1221.. God Bless you.

How long have you guys been seeing each other?

We've been seeing each other since June 26, 2008. He came out of a really bad relationship, of 20 years.

I think you need to leave this dude alone for your own good. He is still living that 20 year relationship, only now with you... hence the reason why he is treating you good one day poor the next.

He is still trying to deal/heal with the last relationship. That's why he keeps comparing you with his ex. Notice how he keeps referring to his ex...if he was really over that relationship and fully healed he would not compare her with you. His last relationship is being projected and carried on to this one. He has some issue he still needs to fix with himself.

Don't put yourself through needless torture because someone has not taken the time to fix themselves. Your obviously a very successful single mom. Don't settle for someone who does not make you happy, when your happy with yourself.

I would leave him alone for a while and give him time to think about what he has done.

Thank you... JMW0713 that's what I am going to do... God Bless you for re-enforcing my feelings exactly. I miss him terrible... maybe someday, he will come back, and I hope it's not to late.

It really hurt - his words... his Xwife never worked, and I have worked so hard to make this little business work and grow.. he doesn't even notice this. Even after I tell him bits and pieces.. he doesn't seem to really care. He has a huge business here, and is building a plant. I started with nothing and made the paper for Entrepreneur of 2007 - they wrote about my little studio out of my home. I am thinking about starting a studio, away from my home in Old Town, and one in Dallas, TX. It has been my dream. I am trying to get funding but it is so hard. I've done graphic design for 25 years and I just won International Web Award for 2008 out of Boston, MA, out of 2400 entries, 45 countries, one of the little websites I created won. I was nominated. I do branding for a lot of realtors, small businesses and doctors offices. I do my own writing and photography but the most successful attribute to my business has been my web site design, it is very personalized. They are unique. If you want, email me through this site, I will send you some samples! I love what I do with a passion.

I wish he would just notice me. He says I am so special, beautiful and loving. But he doesn't see my heart. I can't believe I said the FU word to him though, it just came out.

Have a good Sunday.

Glad I could help! Good Luck!

Hey just wondering have any of you gotten back with an ex-bf after he dated someone else? Details please :rolleyes:

It happens, occasionally. More often the guy will take the girl back then vice-versa. But it's not a result I would ever place a bet on.

I never did. Unless you broke up with him than he's open to dating whoever he wants. I wouldn't get back with someone who dumped me than got with another girl than tried to get me back.. but hey that's just me lol

Ill try to make this short. My ex boyfriend broke up with me this past April. He said he wasent ready for a serious relationship (we were just about to move in together). So basically for months after he strung me along and I was dumb enough to go along with it. He met someone new at the end of August and stopped talking to me completely. Ive seen him out but I pretend like I don't see him or anything its just too hard for me to talk to him.

Well anyway last Friday he was out and he told my cousin he really needed to speak with me. I said hello and he went into this whole thing that he misses, he thinks about me all the time and that he wanted to apologize for everything he put me through. He kept saying that all his friends and his family misses me too. He asked if I had a new boyfriend and I asked him how his relationship was. He told me he hated her and that they are basically over and he misses the way we were and all that crap. I told him everything that I always wanted to say to him like how much he hurt me and that I thought he was a jerk. The whole night he kept bringing up old times we had together and he took the cab ride home with me to make sure I got home safe and stuff. As I said goodbye he asked for my number, I gave it to him and around 20 minutes later I get a phone call from him. He said he just wanted to let me know he got home OK. Then he started getting into the whole I'm sorry thing, and I miss you. I told him I had to go it was late and if he wanted to call me.

Well I haven't heard anything from him since. I just don't get it why would he go out of his way to say all that and call me just to act like it never happened. It wasent like he was drunk or trying to hook up with me or anything like that trust me. Why do you think he did this, do you think he wants to get back together or what? Its just so confusing-should I contact him? Do you think he'll ever try to contact me again?

He did it to make you think. He of course cannot go overboard, so the ball is in your court. In my opinion, perhaps he was having a tiff with his current girlfriend, and started to really think about you two and what you had... then he dumped his feelings onto you, but perhaps didn't get the response he was looking for, and went back to his girlfriend. I don't know. Now, he has the power, as you are the one thinking about this and confusion is filling your mind. He seems confused as well. If I were you, I would blow it off and leave it be. He seems to have thought the grass would be greener on the other side, but now realizes it wasn't. His fault. Do you want him back?