Definitely agree with losingit,

It's a tough situation. On one hand you feel bad if you don't respond and on the other hand if you do you might be wondering why she doesn't respond to your email so fast and you'll overanalyis it.

My best suggestion is sit a think about it before you do anything, let your emotions settle and get your mind off it, read or play your guitar and then come back to it.. you will see things clearer and you might make a better choice in the words you choose if you decide to write her

Quote:

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Originally Posted by losingit77

(1) If you send it, what are you expecting to happen? BE HONEST! I know, you're going to say, no I don't care if she doesn't respond. But really, be truthful. What if you send it, and you don't hear anything back? Its going to drive you insane for a bit! Right?

(2) You send it, you trade stupid little short emails for a while, and then you're sucked back into it. She's sending you e-mail as a "friend" while doing whatever else she wants to do, while you're analyzing ever single thing she says in each e-mail, analyzing how long it takes her to respond, wondering what even the punctuation means in each e-mail.

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Okay, I am going to try to answer this honestly. Please don't take me posts to mean I don't value your input, I really appreciate it, it just conflicts with what I think. Don't take offense to any of this...

Number 1
Yes, just like you said, I don't think it would bother me much to send the email out. This would be the third email that I have sent her since I started NC (I guess I cheated a little) the first two were over a month ago. They were all in response to her emails, and none of them set me back at all. I admit though, the first two had a specific reason.

Number 2
I admit, that sounds like a possibility and I would not like that. I am relying on my answer to number 1 to stop that from happening. I really feel healthy about it. I was worried when I got the email, then I read it and now, about 15 minutes later, none of it means anything to me. I'm more worried about hurting her than anything she said in the email haha.

I guess if I do respond, it won't be today. I think I should take some time to think about it, and I really appreciate all of the input you guys have. I suppose there is nothing in the email that warrants a response, so I agree with you there losingit.

I guess the one part that keeps me thinking is that it was pretty amicable (she has no idea if I had a hard time, easy time, anything about my life, I make sure not to leave crumbs for her to pick up on.) and I would like to keep it that way.

Am I being dumb?

No, you're not being dumb. You're being honest.

Trust me. I know if I was in the same situation, no matter what anyone says, I would still eventually respond. For the same reasons you sight. In the midst of the breakup and even after he's done nothing other than to tell me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me... blah blah blah. So you don't want to wind up being the a*s in the situation.

But definitely, take a day to think about it. As long as you're prepared for the potential feelings/ramifications it could bring up afterwards.

Remember those couple of hours of feeling bad over that picture you saw? Try to prevent that. If you send the short e-mail, just do it and that's it. You don't want to start hearing tidbits of info about her life right now, cause you know you'll have more hiccups of pain.

I still like Tal's suggestion of just "disappearing". One of the points of NC (other than getting over the ex) is so that they have no idea how you're doing (easy time, hard time, what's going on in your life). Whether it was an amicable breakup or a torturous break-up the results is still the same, they left us. If they left us, we have to leave them.

Well thanks again guys,

I'm going to play tennis for a little while, maybe ill respond when I get home, maybe ill put it off until morning.

Any other opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Well, I wish one of my friends would play tennis with me. Whenever I want to clear my head of stuff, I take a shower and put on a face mask. I've been extremely clean lately. : ) haha But my skin looks fabulous!

Well I'm back.

A little tired from the running, didn't spend much of the time thinking about it, though it came to mind a couple of times. I started to think that she probably knows why I deleted her from face book and I'm almost wondering if she thought she was testing me/trying to get a reaction. I don't think she would do that, but hey, who knows.

I re-read the advice you guys gave me and after thinking about it I don't think it would start routine communication. We have emailed before, and she never responded more than she had to. The last email she sent, she did leave open with something like this: "Remember emailing me is never a problem, dont feel bad about it." Who knows, but she never responded and I never expected her to, the issue was dealt with and that was that.

For some reason, I just hate thinking that she thinks I hate her. I know how confusing that sounds haha.

I still think I will probably end up replying, but I will sleep on it and see how I'm feeling tomorrow. After all, she has no idea if I even read it yet. There is no rush with email :) I don't see myself just ignoring the email, so I hope it isn't so terribly bad if I reply.

If I thought you could deal with it, I would say so but I honestly don't. In light of the past few days, I hope you recognize that you're a little out of sorts, and are more emotional than you have been.

I hope you see it for what it is, and keep no contact for a while longer, and let the emotional dust settle.

I'm still trying to figure out what, besides your own emotions, makes you think her email needs a reply. I suspect you haven't made the progress you think, or are not as focused, and need an HONEST self evaluation of your motives at this time. Sorry guy, I think your not thinking with your head on this one.

Thank you Tal,

I have been back and forth on it a few times for that very reason. There isn't anything in the email that specifically calls for a reply, I just get the "I feel like a monster" feeling when I think of not responding. She didn't technically "do" anything to me. Sure, she broke up with me, but it had to be done, I have accepted that.

The way I see it is that if I don't respond I could be creating ill feelings. Is that where I am wrong?

EDIT: And I absolutely agree that I am a little out of sorts. If I hadn't had my "episode" a few days ago, I would not even hesitate to respond. I probably wouldn't have even mentioned it because it wouldn't have been a big deal. The reason it's a big deal is what has happened with my head recently, and I guess that is enough reason to hold off in and of itself.

I agree with tal,

BOUNDARIES NEEDED.

You are suffering: Trying to be brave and yet you have no clue what to say or do...

So... take control ASAP buddy. You will hurt less.

You can't live in limbo.

Tell her you love her but would like to take a month breather. And then communicate after that if you want.
You set the timetable. You dictate the parameters. Tell her you will contact her after
A break and chat then (on your terms). She gets her breather and tries self-reliance and you get your sanity back.

After a break, you need to make sure you deal with why she is needing to feel more empowered and less self-reliant... or it will just repeat... repeat. Repeat. It may be that she is the one... maybe she is not.

Quote:

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The way I see it is that if I don't respond I could be creating ill feelings. Is that where I am wrong?

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There you go, my friend, putting her needs ahead of your own. BIG RED FLAG.

Rest and focus.

Sorry to thread jack but **** URGENT *****

She just text me.

"I am guessing you dont want to be cool with me because we are not together. I understand, have a good life."

What do I do?

Thank you again...

See I am getting there :) Your right, the worst part is, I have told other people that 100 times.

Ash, thank you for the input, but I'm not sure you know my whole situation. We are broken up, I am quite past any thoughts of reconciliation, just got an email from her today and was confused about the contact or no contact issue. For now, I am sleeping on it. I will go to work tomorrow and once there, I can't reply. It will give me a nice long time to think about it.

Funny how this is easier to tell people than to do. I just don't want her to panic and start emailing me like crazy. (Look at that, creating scenarios to support what I want, oh boy)

That's enough, off to bed. I know it doesn't need a reply, I just need to convince myself that I'm not the bad guy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ajhastings88

sorry to thread jack but **** URGENT *****

She just text me.

"I am guessing you dont want to be cool with me because we are not together. I understand, have a good life."

What do i do?

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She's pulling out all the stops because she is in a panic that you are giving her what she asked for. Don't give into her ploy. You need to get better being by yourself.

You want the truth? You Don't want to be cool with her beucase your not together. If you try to be cool with her now, you will never be cool with yourself. What's more important?

Originally Posted by ajhastings88

Quote:

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She just text me.

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So!

Quote:

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What do I do?

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NOTHING!

DO NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.

You are letting her dictate the timetable. That is not right. If she cannot write something nicer than that than let her be.

If you say, "I am cool baby, it's ok, i want you in my life..." it is not going to solve anything tonight. Trust me. She is just trying to give herself some peace of mind tonight... but you ain't giving it... the world is not going to change while you sleep. You can deal with things another day.

But we ended things on a good note, with laughs and smiles?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Ash, thank you for the input, but I'm not sure you know my whole situation. We are broken up, I am quite past any thoughts of reconciliation, just got an email from her today and was confused about the contact or no contact issue. For now, I am sleeping on it. I will go to work tomorrow and once there, I can't reply. It will give me a nice long time to think about it.

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Oh, I know. I just don't want you to not let her dictate your life. SHE STILL IS... whether you like it or not.

Whether to contact her or not?? See, she is controlling you. Enjoy some freedom tonight and tomorrow.

Sleep well!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ash123

Oh, I know. I just wanted you to not let her dictate your life.

SHE STILL IS....whether you like it or not.

Whether to contact her or not???? See, she is controlling you. Enjoy some freedom tonight and tomorrow.

Sleep well!

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Very true,

She is controlling me and not even doing it herself. I'm making it happen.

Funny thing is, she probably didn't have that intention. (Benefit of a doubt right there)

Thanks for that reality check man...

Amazing how much easier it is to give advice then listen to it. Even in the midst of my own crisis I can give out fairly solid advice, but when it comes to listening to stupid things, geez...

Good night all!

You're in love man.

It makes a man crazy.

That's why you need allies. So, you can survive to love (in the right situation) again.

Goodnight.

I think Tal and Ash are right BB,

Let the dust settle a bit. Replying to generic text some months ago from my ex led to nothing but more pain and confusion. I should have kept with my nowhere to be found on the planet mentallity, but I caved in.

Did me no favours at all. It hurst like hell to do NC , buts its best all round. I thought like you did, in that I didn't want to be an a**hole for not replying to emails, but at the end of the day, she hurt me like hell, why should I reply to someone who made me feel so bad.

Stay strong, and I all I can say is that even just reading the conversations on here, is brilliant.

Keep up the good work.

Thanks JPM (and everyone else)...

After sleeping on it then rereading all my advice, I have made a few realizations... I think

1) I believe the reason I was worried about her getting upset is because I don't want her to have a reaction similar to: "Fine, if hes going to ignore me, I'm going to go out and ____" (fill in the blank with some ridiculous scenario). I'm seeing now that's an immature way to think.

2) I still haven't fully convinced myself not to respond. I am taking my time, trying to examine every angle before I make any decision. I HAVE decided, however, that should I respond, it will be nothing more than what plonak said in an earlier post. No explanations, no apologies, a simple "I am doing well, thanks for asking. Hope you are the same." That way, it invites no response, implies no hope, and shows no emotions.

I know you guys are in disagreement with a message at all, but I'm just trying to be honest :)

Thanks again, you guys are great

That's OK I guess. Then back to NC?

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Originally Posted by jpm247

thats ok i guess. then back to NC?

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I haven't decided, but if I were to do that, of course, back to NC. Trying to just let it go for now, maybe it won't be a big deal in a few hours and I won't feel bad for not responding... thats sort of what I'm going for.

BigBird, question did your ex ever reject one of your calls or texts after the break up? If so, do you think she felt bad about doing it? That's the question I always ask myself

Good point Rome. I bet they didn't.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

BigBird, question did your ex ever reject one of your calls or texts after the break up? If so, do you think she felt bad about doing it? That's the question I always ask myself

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To be honest no, but that's because I refused to text or call her :D

I do see your point though.

Lol! Just imagine that they did.. That was the one thing I used to prevent myself from replying to texts, calls and other suttle ways of trying to be contacted while I was healing. I really didn't want to be bothered with the age old question "How are you doing?" Stupid stupid question.. You just want to scream at them "how the do you think I'm doing" ha ha

Keep your head up, and I don't think you should respond because lately you have been a little down and this could possibly set you back and I'd hate to see that happen. You've come so far

All I know is that the break up and the following 6 months have been the toughest I've ever gone through. Its my first breakup being on the receiving end, and it is no fun.

We are all in the right place though, amazing the help you can get on this site. Truly amazing.

Certainly is,

I owe you guys big :)

I'm actually proud of myself for not replying right away and giving myself time to think. I can feel myself becoming more okay with not responding - there is not necessarily any finality in it. If I feel better in a few weeks/months, I can ask her how she is doing, nobody says I cant.

That's true,

Id still carry on with living your life, and not worry about replying to the email. Have a look at my question 2nd email from the ex. Maybe quite similar. In the end I didn't bother as her emails were just wanting to know if I was OK etc, which I found really patronizing as how in the hell did she think I was doing?

At least NC will always leave them guessing.

Perfect example of patronizing,

Just sometimes makes you wonder... "WHY?!"

Part of me thinks its them being selfish, and trying to make themselves feel better, and the other half of me thinks they may care.

When I split up with my ex ex a few years back, I never spoke to her again, as I was so over the relationship when I finally ended it, as it had gone really stale. It was the best thing I could have done for her. No texts or emails for her to mis interpret, no false hope, no what does this text/email mean. No more pain than was necessary.

Yet I didn't get that. Every bit of contact I had prior to the latest nearly 90 days of NC, was like a jab to the heart. You just don't need it. That's why tal says when you get dumped get gone, best thing you can do as the dumpee. Just wish that the dumper would do the same, as there's a lot of people on here who hurt more when they receive any contact from their exes. Unless it's a 'im so sorry I've made a massive mistake we should get back together' type of text/email, they in my opinion they shouldn't bother!

I agree, and I have been in the situation when any bit of contact sets you back immensely, a year ago when we broke up the first time. I couldn't ignore her, and it was killing me. At least this time she wised up and knew that couldn't talk much. When she ended it, she asked me if we could still be friends, and I said I would like that, but I can't do it now. She was a little upset at that, but I think she understood...

It helps when they are somewhat understanding about it, and I agree... either guilt or caring, or maybe a mix of both.

When me and my ex first slip in December, the next day we saw each other at work and she sent me a text saying "wow, you can't even come and talk to me now?" I just said "this is what you wanted, I never asked for it." She goes "gee thanks for handling this maturely" I was kind and pleasant in my response "No problem, anytime" And then she would text me periodically or talk to my parents about how am I doing and stuff like that.

Mind manipulation at it's finest. They call it a break up, because it's broken.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Shes pulling out all the stops because she is in a panic that you are giving her what she asked for. Don't give into her ploy. You need to get better being by yourself.

You want the truth? You DONT want to be cool with her beucase your not together. If you try to be cool with her now, you will never be cool with yourself. Whats more important?

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MAYBE Bigbird you answered your own question.

Maybe?

It's been a while...

Romefalls is absolutely right.

4 months after my ex and I broke up, she started to call/text me... then after I ignored those calls, I got voice messages and e-mails saying, "We can't fix anything unless you talk to me"

... I wasn't aware that I needed to fix something.

Sneezy!

Welcome back, how you been?

Thanks Ash, I've pretty much known that I'm not responding this whole morning, I just don't want to admit it :) Funny how I still care how she feels.

Found you guys.:)

Sneezy, you're back, so happy, how are you?

Biggie, I didn't take the time to read all the posts, way too much reading. I gather from the last few posts that you and your girlfriend are officially not together. I've also seen a few other people give their opinion about NC and that it's not fair when the dumper doesn't seem to get the NC rule. As a female, here's my take on it.

In my youth I've been both the dumper and the dumpee. Funny, I always handled dumpee better than dumper. If someone else called it quits I was upset, but had no problem staying away, after all, that person made it quite clear that they no longer wanted a relationship with me.

My role as dumper was always harder to accept. Yes, I'd call it quits and then call up the ex to see how he was doing, was everything okay, etc... Why, because I felt bad for breaking us up, I felt bad for hurting him and I didn't want him to think badly of me. When you're young you don't realize how hurtful it is to have someone "dump" you and then keep contacting you, it sends mixed messages, but to a female it's just that bit of nurturing instinct, even though it's quite frankly the opposite of nurturing.

Even after 13 years of marriage, I still haven't completely figured out men, and I know hubby feels the same way about women. If men and women could only learn to communicate better, then the world would be a better place. Gee, why hasn't anyone thought of that before? ;)

Hope that gives you a bit of insight in to women, if not, ignore the post. ;)

Haha,

Thanks Alty. The quick back story is that we haven't been together for almost a month and a half now. I haven't had contact with her since (2 or 3 emails to straighten out the inevitable stuff WAY early in the breakup). I just got an email from her yesterday and was stumbling a little on the NC issue.

The problem I had was where you said you felt guilty, see for some odd reason I don't want her to feel guilty, no ill will I guess.. Almost like I wanted to make her feel better regardless of the potential cost to me. I've pretty much got it figured out, I'm not going to respond, just need to realize that she can take care of herself :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Funny how I still care how she feels.

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That's why you should not reply to her email.. because even though you can't admit it, you want her to write back (& she prob will).. but not only she will say " im doing fine/not good/happy or w.e" she will prob start a conversation something like " so hows your summer so far"... & you will be tempted to reply again... :(
The best thing to do is what everyone has told you Don't REPLY.. let it go.. I believe that's the best thing to do, but it is up to you.