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Originally Posted by starbuck8

That sucks Jami!! It's too bad that you have to keep on running into him like that all of the time. Well you know, on second thought, maybe not. It might help you to put an end to another chapter in the book of Jami. I know it's tough on you though. Believe me hun, I have been there more than once, and each time I thought I would never get over it. I once sat in a dark room, curtains closed, doors locked, listening to depressing songs, (and every single one would remind me of him) for 3 weeks in a row. I didn't eat and hardly slept. Then one day I "woke up" and looked at myself and said...is he really worth all of this?...conclusion...nope!! ;)

Just try and keep your focus on graduation day, and all of the other good things that are out there waiting for you!! :) One day soon you will be out somewhere and you'll see that guy that makes you say...Evan who?

Hang in there Jami!! You'll get through it girl!! :)

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Thanks so much for your encouragement! I have to keep reminding myself that seeing him in such an unflattering light in which he demonstrates that he can't be civil and oftentimes looks completely childish (if not drunk) helps me stop romanticizing him and our relationship.

It helps so much to know that you've been through this and made it out OK. I am having trouble finding people to relate to. My mom can give good advice but is disappointed that I'm still in this state. I know she wants the best for me and it's frustrating to see me stuck on Evan, but I wish I could change it too.

I'm not sure how to improve on what I've been doing to cope best: the things I've thought about are going to see a therapist and being all Oprah and making some goals for self-fulfillment for myself.

I know that Mom's can be like that Jami. They weren't there, nor were your friends, to understand how your relationship felt to you. You are the only one who had the inside scoop on that. Don't let anyone set a time limit for you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't make yourself get out there and set goals, but only you will know when all of it sits right in your head.

I think a therapist is a good idea. It will help to talk to someone that is unbiased, and just knows YOU, not Evan and you as a couple.

When I was going through the break up blues, it was the things that I learned about myself that freaked me out the most. Especially when it was me doing the mind tricks on myself, and not her, she was just doing what she does, and I was reading it like some romance novel, I was my own drama king, and tried to put it on her. But when I stopped the games with myself and focused on ME, I worried about her a lot less. Sometimes being in certain places, or catching glimpses of them, triggers those old emotions, and feeling, and overwhelm our senses for a moment. I had to learn to physically bring the focus back to the present, and do something else besides think. It got easier the more I did it. Believe it or not EXERCISE, is a good physical outlet, and at parties, dancing. Yep anything that changes your focus, even combing your hair, is a good thing. Back then I had the most polished shoes of anyone.

I've had a good day today so far: I did things I wanted, which included spending time outdoors with friends, going on a bike ride and going for a jog with a friend, doing some fun extracurriculars and going to dinner with another friend. I was able to take my mind off him a lot. BUT of course I saw him from a distance and two friends mentioned that they had seen him in my area and those sightings completely set me off course. I am excited to see a therapist and I'm feeling a little better today, but the constant presence he has in my environment is driving me nuts.

I am jokingly/honestly considering not going out tonight. As much as I want to have fun, this is a very small campus and now that he's out and about, I know I'll see him or be in a place surrounded by his friends who remind me of him despite my best interest to avoid. I'd ideally find some friends to dance with and a place to dance. Dancing is the best medicine.

That other guy who tried to kiss me apparently has extremely strong feelings and remains unfazed by my heartbreak in pursuing me. My friends keep telling him that now is not the time and that I'm in a manic, crazy place: I am focusing on me and can't handle a relationship, but he's not relenting.

Things to focus on:
1. the nice weather and being outside as much as possible
2. acing my classes
3. finding a job (applying for fifty in the process)
4. working through my feelings and keeping lists (lists are very therapeutic)
5. exercise
6. my friends who have been so amazingly supportive this whole time.

It wouldn't be a real day if I didn't see Evan.

... I was doing fine, feeling great, and then I saw him again today.
It's 4/20 (for those of you unfamiliar, lots of marijuana-smoking and strange behavior on college campuses like mine) so he was out playing frisbee and presumably getting high. I was there to take in the enjoy the spectacle as an observer and to see friends.

I am so much better off when he doesn't exist.

We both saw each-other from a slight distance but again didn't say hi. But at least this time he didn't try to make me jealous. And eventually, I left. It feels to weird to be around him.

Earlier, I set a date in my head of May 1 as the day I would go up to him and say "Hi. I want to know if you want to be friends after all this" or something along those lines. The more I see him, the longer this goes on, the more I talk to people who have broken NC and barely lived to tell about it, the more I realize that this idea is not necessarily a good one.

I'm also quite terrified by some of the questions on this forum of "It's been two years and I'm still not over my ex." Right now, people are telling me it's going to get better and that I'll move on, but right now I can't imagine feeling completely like myself again and the posts of such long drawn out withdrawals are scary to say the least.

I'm sorry Jami. All I can say is I know how you feel... and so do so many other people on here. But it's personal to you, just like it is to the rest of us. I know you think in your head... but our relationship was different! It's really hard when you're the only one who knows all of the intimate details, and you think that nobody quite understands just how much it hurts you personally.

Try and think of this as a very hard final exam Jami. Evan is giving you the test, and you are going to go through all of your past notes, go through all of the practice exercises, and your goal is to pass the test with flying colors! Think of it as something else you can add to your lifes resume, and when the resume looks right to you, you will go out there with so much more experience and the knowledge you need to find someone that will hand in the perfect resume to you too.

I know that might have sounded a bit corny, but setting a goal to say hi to him on May 1, isn't the goal you should be setting hun. That will only set you back. Sometimes ex's can be friends, but not in this type of situation, and definitely not until you are truly over him.
Otherwise, it really IS just an excuse to stay in contact with him.

What could that possibly accomplish? One of two things. He will say Hi back, and it will give you a glimmer of hope, or he can totally blow you off, and then you are right back at day one. I know it sucks, but it's the reality of it.

Try and stay away from places on campus that you know he likes to go. It's not fair, but unless you want to have that sick feeling in your stomach all of the time, it's what you have to do. I know that sometimes it's unavoidable for you sometimes, but just think, Grad is coming soon. Try to think of that as a new beginning for you.

I sure wish I would've listened to my own advice YEARS ago! ;)

You will never be completely like your old self. As you are learning, and growing, you just don't see it yet. Its you putting the pressure on yourself, and when you stop, you will see the whole world quite differently.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You will never be completely like your old self. as you are learning, and growing, you just don't see it yet. Its you putting the pressure on yourself, and when you stop, you will see the whole world quite differently.

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I have to spread the rep but this is life-changing insight. Seriously. This is the way I should be looking at this.

Warning: I know this is long and it's really for me to reflect on the fact that it's been a month since the break-up more than I need advice. Skip this rambling if you like and I couldn't possibly be less offended. Four weeks. Whoa, I can't believe it was a month ago. It's unbelievable. I made it a month NC and I'm here to say that so can anyone else. But I've only done 1 day of not checking his Facebook. My goal right now is to do a week and then hopefully, eventually, that will become a month, etc.

I have to say, it's definitely gotten easier. There hasn't been a particular arc or line of progress, but I'm definitely better. I think seeing him and moments of reality setting in have really pushed me forward. Staying busy, active and social - and trying to find growth in loss - is all you can do. There are no shortcuts. Just ways to make it not worse.

It's been easier the last couple of days when I've been busy and active, hard when I've been alone, hard when I fixate on him, extremely hard when I've seen him.

And I tend to come on this board when I'm bored, confused or upset or when I've seen him, so these posts don't reflect the amount of progress I've made and the general amount of happiness and socializing I've been engaging in. At the same time, it's still extremely hard.

Clearly, there are hard days and hard moments and lots of manic moments, but I now realize that you have to take it a day at a time.

I really like Tal's and Starbuck's advice of reframing the way I look at this process of the break-up (and all their other wise words of coures). It's very Tao: I can't change the fact of the break-up but I can change the way I approach it and feel about it. First of all, I can't hope for "old Jami" back. I am going to get new, improved, wiser Jami and I can't force her progress. She will develop. Secondly, this is a test. Of strength, endurance and independence. And I want to come out on top.

People say that we have to rationalize bad things in our lives to cope as if it's a bad thing. No, it's psychology and survival. It's a good thing. If we didn't find the good in the bad, if we couldn't find ways to make our lives better when things aren't going well, we'd all be sullen, awful people stuck in the past. We have to understand and see the positive.

The more I reflect, the more I pick up on the warning signs that he wanted to end things and signs that this would happen. I also look back and while it's easy to focus on the amazing parts of our relationship, I have to consider some bad parts as well. I am beginning to reflect on how I am in relationships and in this one in particular. I invested a lot in my relationship with Evan: I cut out a lot of friends and gave him a great deal of my time and energy. More than he gave me. And I realize that Evan's negative words about my friends rubbed off on me and I became very judgmental and closed off from many relationships. His opinions affected me a lot. And now I am seeing one of my friends cut off her friends for her boyfriend and I see her going down my path. I see how much it hurts those around her without her even realizing it. And I am looking at all the free time I have these days and while it was amazing to fill the hours with Evan going on adventures, biking, having fun or just hanging out, I am now trying to learn to enjoy time alone.

I've also realized that I can be attractive to guys and flirting can be fun.

I still miss Evan but it's not the longing, mopey, "I want him back" sort of missing him. It's a less attached missing him and there's a bit of a frustration/anger underneath as opposed to a "woe is me."

I have a month left of school and I am having terrible anxieties about graduating since I have no job and no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing. And part of me wishes I had this month to spend with Evan. But the alternative to my single, lonely confused life right now is so awful: in all alternative situations, Evan and I would be spending all our time together because we'd be apart after graduation and I'd be missing out on lots of experiences at the end of college. Either 1) Evan and I would have stayed together if I didn't know about him wanting to break up with me and I'd be in for an awful surprise come graduation day or 2) I would've stayed with him despite knowing that he'd want to end it with me and I'd be depressed/sad/clingly/convinced I could make him stay and I'd have lost my dignity. Given that I couldn't change Evan's feelings about wanting to separate, those are the two alternatives to my independence. And I think that this is the better option for me. And even if Evan had wanted to stay with me, it would have been great and fun and comfortable, but I'd still have the anxieties about making it through his time abroad and our future together and I'd have major doubts. I'd also probably be pulling away or not enjoying my time here because I'd be clinging to him.

You amaze me with your words all the time my girl. You know yourself very well, and I absolutely believe with all of my heart that you will come out of this just fine, and even better for having gone through this.

You called me wise, but I hope you take your experiences and use them a lot more wisely than I ever did. And actually, I would bet the house on that one! I'm behind you 100% and you know that!

From reading your words, it seems your realising there is much for you to do for your own happiness. That's great, and will lead to positive productive action, in your own behalf.

Sorry I have been away for about a week. It is great to see that you have accomplished so much in a week's time. You may not see it, but it is there. Whether you realize it, you are growing and learning. You are making progress.

I agree about the "making a goal to say hi". That is not a good idea. It is apparent that you cannot be friends otherwise this would have happened already (I think you realize that now).

Reframing your thoughts is very therapeutic and necessary. I must say that although you should not keep revisiting the places where he will be, I would not walk out of your way to entirely avoid them either. If you do that, you are really putting a lot of energy in avoiding, wich will ultimately MAKE you think about him more. Who knows, maybe one day you will walk past a place where you guys used to hang out together and then suddenly realize it after you pass by.

Keep doing what you are doing, because you are making progress and doing great!!

Not checking his Facebook: hard at first and then soooo empowering.

Remember, it is all about little steps.

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Originally Posted by jamimama

Not checking his Facebook: hard at first and then soooo empowering.

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It makes you feel so much better not to check it. I realize that when I look at my ex's Facebook or find out something going on his life... it just gives me more things to think about. You don't want that. Just remember... you don't want to know what he's up to because you don't care. You need to have your mind set on your life right now.
And if you do feel the urge to go there... just ask yourself "why am I doing this? What do I want to see?" Go to a different website, or just shut down your computer. Sometimes when I felt the urge to check his page I would call up my sister or a friend... we'd start talking for awhile and by the time I got off the phone I wouldn't feel the urge anymore because I would have other things on my mind.

That is great advice Chameleon. There are only so many thoughts that you mind can hold at any one time. If you make sure that they are full of thoughts that are not about him, then you will find that you will not think about him.

Sorry I have been absent. I thought things were going well, but now I'm confused.

To update you, on Thursday I kissed a very nice boy (one I mentioned earlier in this thread) and although I did not intend to get involved with him, all weekend he went out of his way to contact me and see me. He's fun and funny and sweet. Tonight, he came over and asked why I wasn't kissing him. I told him I was unclear of what his agenda was or what he was doing. He said that he doesn't believe in monogamy nor does he strive for it. He said that the only girls he's dated he's known for a long time in advance and we are just getting to know each other. And he's kissing another girl who has an open relationship with a boyfriend abroad.

I respect that he was honest with me and am a bit confused about the situation. I think he's a nice guy and it's fun to hang out with him, but I'm used to being in a serious, monogamous relationship and knowing that he's with another girl would most likely drive me nuts. Even as an activity partner/cuddle buddy, this could get emotionally messy. It's not a very physical thing we have going, it's very emotional and datey, we're not hook-up buddies. He says that he wants to get to know me. And at the same time, there's only a month left of school. It's probably not wise to expect monogamy with anyone anyway. Everything will end soon. So... yeah... not sure how to work this out...

Oh lord...

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And at the same time, there's only a month left of school.

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Your wise to see it for what it is. But having fun is what getting ready for the summer, and school to end is all about. Don't do anything to make you feel bad, to the contrary, enjoy the folks you meet.

Yeah, this guy is upfront with you, which is a good thing. However, it sounds to me like he is a player and he expects you to be one too. If this is not in your character, then I would say don't change that. You are going to do what you are going to do no matter what anyone tells you. The point where you are at right now is a very vulnerable and delicate point. It IS nice to have someone there who you can cuddle with, etc. but don't compromise yourself because of a possible fear of being alone. You WILL find someone. Don't rush that and feel that you may be missing out. First impressions are important and if you feel that you are finding out something's about a person early on that you don't like, then take that as a blessing that you are not wasting time and move on.

Keep going out there and having fun, but don't compromise your standards because you think other people think that you should. I don't want to say that all guys are like this, but there are some out there who are only interested in one thing and once that chase is over, then they go onto the next "victim". They think that they can get away with it because of the fact that they were upfront and honest in the beginning, but that is just a cop out.

Just be careful.

Wow, it's been so long since I posted here. All your advice helped me immensely so my absence is a good thing! I've been dealing with some huge anxieties about graduation (officially occurring this Sunday) but I've been using this time to work on myself, to build on my friendships, to enjoy my friends and classes and the last bit of college.

I got accepted to a couple of cool opportunities and my finals went really well.

I've also been dating a guy who is sweet and great. I wasn't looking for the ultimate great love and he's not. So no worries. No pressure. It' just someone I like spending time with and going to senior events with (yes the non-monogomist but we talked it through and we aren't seeing other people). Since I was only exposed to one guy all through college, it's nice to be exposed to another. A lot of the things I really like about him make me realize that Evan had a lot of growing up to do.

So that brings me to today... I got a phone call from a number that isn't in my phone so I ignored it. Then I realized that that area code was Evan's area code. And that I don't have other friends, job opportunities or contacts in that area. So I'm assuming that Evan called me today. I can't find his number anywhere online (I deleted it after the breakup to make certain I wouldn't call him sobbing one night.) so I'm not 100% positive that it's him but I'm 99%.

I shouldn't call him back, right? No message. Just wait for him to call me again? I'm assuming if he did call, it was either 1) in error or 2) to catch up and say good bye before graduation.

They will call back. If not..?

Hi Jami, I'm glad your finals went well for you, and you have some cool opps! Don't get too into Mr. Non-manogamous guy! That is a recipe for rebound disaster!

Just wait and see if you get a call from that # again. Although, I don't think after him seeing you on campus for all of this time, and not saying a word, that he deserves for you to pick up... if it is him. It's up to you if you want to, but I think it will only bring back the feelings and hurt that was so raw before.

Take care girl! I think you're doing pretty damn good! :)

I would definitely not waste anytime in trying to figure out if it was your ex who called or not. Don't bother trying to look up his number, etc. as this borders on obsession and you have come SOOOO far to go back to that. If he calls again, which he may or may not, only you can decide at that moment whether you pick up the phone. For some people, they need this kind of thing for closure, for others, this could result in falling back several steps. You have proven to yourself that you can go on without him.

Good luck in your future. Keep us posted if anything major happens, whether good or bad.

I love the historianchick post, I recently split up with my boyfriend of 15 months. But he has been involved in my life for nearly two years, we went to the same high school and he was a charmer, attractive centre of attention kind of lad, I lost my virginity to him and he has been the only person I have slept with. Although he had 2 previous sexual partners, one of the being his first serious girlfriend, who he had been with for a long time. I always had issues about her although soon, I realised he loved me and we shared the happiest moments together but unfortunately 8 months into the relationship I discovered he had cheated on me with a girl from my high school, it was humiliating I was distraught and hurt beyond words, but we did get back together. I forgived him. The problem was I couldn't forget, I was very insecure and he was convinced I would pay him back. Anyway in the end we split up again in the February, in that week I discovered he'd actually also slept with two other girls. It was the most heart breaking feeling, it literally felt as though my heart was aching. Yet after 4 weeks of being apart, I forgave him again, it sounds awfully naïve and I'm a level headded person I am currently doing a levels and have aspirations but love makes you do crazy things. After 4 months though I have realised things will never change he will always cheat and although he loves me he does not respect me, and it is so heartbreaking.

Can I just say I really like the advice on this site, I think its great, I have friends and my mum, but sometimes its nice to speak to peiople who understand and are going through similar experiences. I'm just scared I'm going to go back I don't know how to stay strong! Anyway, I do believe that everybody can do something if they out their minds to it. Thanks xxx

Hi Ladada,

I'm sorry you got involved with a cheater. Been there, done that, (more than once) and never want to go there again. Everyone makes mistakes, and it's too bad this boy had to be one of them for you. The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour, so you are well to be rid of him. You are right in saying that he didn't respect you, but he didn't truly love you either. When you truly love someone, you will do anything to protect them from hurt. He didn't do that. He betrayed you in the worst way possible. He destroyed your trust, and that is a hard thing to recover from.

With that said, I'm really sorry that you're first experience had to be one with a boy like this. I know it hurts. Never blame yourself, or play the "what if" game. That is a useless game to play, and it chips away at yourself esteem. Give yourself the time you need to mourn the relationship, and then move on. Get out with friends, get involved in activities that you enjoy. The best revenge, is being confidant with yourself and living well. Every GOOD man is attracted to a confidant and interesting woman.

(and... Jamie girl, we haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope everything is good with you)

Thankyou Starbuck (: your right, he can't have truly loved me if he cheated, although he's proved it in other ways ultimately if I wasn't good enough for him too be with me and solely me, it was his call and deep down he didn't respect and care like he said he did and always would, the reason its harder is because its my first serious relationship and love. Can anyone remember how they got through theirs?

I'm just looking on the site and I find it great how people are actually getting stronger, but I don't see it happening to me! I split up with him on Sunday night, and we haven't spoke since Monday. Although we wanted to be friends, do you think it will be better if we don't talk? I know its early days, one day irl look back and think hang on, why did I even forgive him? But the weekends are hardest, because its hard to predict where they are going to be and who they are with! I've been told by a friend today that he's already texting some girls, it was hard to hear, but I actually feel really proud of myself because I'm not ringing him demanding to know why!

Also I have met a lot of people through him, I built a huge social circle, luckily I have not deserted my original friends, and they are great, but its hard when you're a public couple who people thrive of hearing gossip about! I'm delving myself into my studies, but I really can't stop thinking about him, but I'm adamant too not go back.

Anyway jamimama, I think you've done great! You was with him for 3 and a half years and so far you're an inspiration to me and how I'm feeling, hope you post something soon.

Thanks everyone (:

You're welcome ladada. Have you gone to any of the "sticky's" under "relationships" There are 4 of them there, and you might want to read a few, or all of them. It just might help you a bit also, when you get into a rough spot.

I can tell you how I got through mine, but I'm not sure it is the best advice. It was a very long time ago, but for some reason it worked for me. It was a little pathetic actually, lol. I'm not recommending that you do this, just thought I would tell you. This was when I was in my early 20's. I was married, and he left, with another woman.

I locked myself in my home, closed all of the curtains, unplugged my phone, got out all of my fave comfort foods, (and I must admit, several bottles of wine) grabbed every song that ever reminded me of him, got out all of the pics of us together, and literally sat in my jammies for 3 weeks, and cryed and cryed, and cryed somemore.

After the 3 weeks were over, I put all of the pics and things that reminded me of him in a box, and gave them to a friend to put in safe keeping, just in case yrs from then I wanted to reminice. I called my best friend, and told her we needed to have a girls day out shopping, getting our hair done, the works... and then we went out and partied till we dropped. I had half of the guys in the club asking me to dance, and it actually felt good to turn half of them down! Then I called my other g/f's or guy friends too, and made sure I had one of them to keep me company, when I needed to get my mind off "him."

I'm not saying it still wasn't hard after that, but the more I got out and did other things, the easier it got, day by day. Then probably the best thing I ever did, was I packed up everything I ever owned, and moved to a different city. I didn't know a soul, and it was a little scary, but it turned out to be one of the best times in my life!

To be quite honest, if I passed him on the street today, I'm not so sure I would even recognise him, although I just got that box of mine back just recently, and the pictures and the songs were just a very nice memory.

It will take you awhile, but I'm sure you'll get through it just fine! :)

(wow, sorry, I didn't realise how long that was... lol)

You and a lot of people posting on here are such inspirations to me. I was actually reading all these stupid things like, "how to get your ex back", when really I should be concentrating on me. I tried to go through with the no contact then I realised I was doing it because I wanted the result to be me getting back with my ex, and that's so wrong, it should be so I can move on. I know why I want to be with him, it's an easy solution to this misery, he made me happy and kept me occupied (and I obviously love him) so in my mind that versus all this pain and misery and feeling sick to move on just doesn't compare. But reading everything on here has made me realise I need to MOVE ON. I just wish it wasn't so hard. :(

I totally understand where you are coming from. I too want to see my ex but at the same time want to avoid her like the plague.

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Originally Posted by Boristheblade

You and a lot of people posting on here are such inspirations to me. I was actually reading all these stupid things like, "how to get your ex back", when really I should be concentrating on me. I tried to go through with the no contact then I realised I was doing it because I wanted the end result to be me getting back with my ex, and thats so wrong, it should be so I can move on. I know why I want to be with him, it's an easy solution to this misery, he made me happy and kept me occupied (and I obviously love him) so in my mind that versus all this pain and misery and feeling sick to move on just doesn't compare. But reading everything on here has made me realise I need to MOVE ON. I just wish it wasn't so hard. :(

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I also used to read all those "How to get your ex back things." Ahh never again. I totally empathise with what you wrote.

Wow starbuck! I'm sorry to hear you had too go through that :( I'm going to try the NC thing now.. last night I was awful because I was drunk and it was my first weekend without him in a long time... so I failed! But today I'm determined although I think its hard.. yes I read those stickys! They were great I'm going to buy a calender tomorrow. I have a girly holiday too look forward too, and I'm hoping that will distract me.

And boris the blade its unbelievably hard! I think it will take a long time, but slowly it has to get better? I totally agree with relaising your only with them because you don't like life without them.. and you can't bear them too be with somebody else! But that just proves you are not ultimately happy and that relationship will never work. Keep us informed on your progress as well!

Xxx

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Originally Posted by ladada

Wow starbuck! im sorry to hear u had too go through that :( im going to try the NC thing now.. last night i was awful because i was drunk and it was my first weekend without him in a long time... so i failed! but today im determined although i think its hard.. yes i read those stickys! they were great im going to buy a calender tommorow. i have a girly holiday too look forward too, and im hoping that will distract me.

and boris the blade its unbelievably hard! i think it will take a long time, but slowly it has to get better? i totally agree with relaising your only with them becuase you dont like life without them.. and u can't bear them too be with somebody else! but that just proves you are not ultimately happy and that relationship will never work. keep us informed on your progress aswell!

xxx

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Don't beat yourself up over your minor setback. It happens! Just pick yourself up the best you can, shake yourself off, and try and remember that it will get better. Tell yourself that HE is the loser in this deal, not YOU! Hopefully sooner than later, you can look back on your relationship, when you find someone that is good to you, and say to yourself... "lesson learned", and it happened, to teach me something about myself and about relationships. :) Keep us updated.