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May I revise and extend? homesick writes: "steps of grief" I believe it is stages, not steps. The process may involve months, not days. The main thing is, get your compass out, learn to read it, and get feeling better. That oyster metaphor by historianchick is apt. In my opinion, dating is not, sorry, unless you let her know what kind of situation you are in; I'm certain she will assist if she knows. But there are too many raw emotions just now, I am certain. Onward and Upward.
I'm well aware that it is far to soon for me to consider getting into a relationship, I'm just taking this girl out for lunch.
I foresee a few likely outcomes;
We become friends and I tell her of my situation, this could result in her offering her aid, (or if she isn't the sneaky type) her opinion.
We are attracted to one another, in which case I will not be able to become intimate with her until I explain to her my situation, I just couldn't get close to somebody without being honest.
She sees right away that I am fragile, or clinging onto my ex, or simply not her kind of man and we part ways.
My judgment from the extremely small amount that I know about her is that she is compassionate and empathetic and likely to sympathize with my situation. At the very least I will be out of the house for a few hours on Saturday, and I hope to have a good time,
You're right, honesty and being up front with her about your situation is the best thing.
I'm proud of you, homesick! You're putting yourself out there... rather than watching Home Alone, you're living the "I'm not afraid anymore!"
You da bomb, babe. Can't wait to hear about your Saturday! Be yourself and you'll both have a great time. :)
Aww... you remembered my oyster metaphor! Thanks, G!Quote:
Originally Posted by George_1950
Homesick - don't you forget it... you're creating that pearl as you continue to heal and take steps to recovery. :) It's going to be a Tahitian pearl when you're done! (Tahitian pearls are the Godiva of pearls... )
:) G - Can't make a pearl without an oyster... so, actually, it is an oyster metaphor AND a pearl metaphor!
I'm still looking forward to my outing this weekend, it's exciting but it's not in the forefront of my mind.
I'm still trying to get some perspective on my life. Now that a lot of the smoke has cleared I realize that her leaving me was not the only problem in my life. It was convenient for me to blame my unhappiness on that, surely that is the worse thing that has happened to me lately, but, I'm calm enough once in a while to look at my life objectively.
What I see when I look at my life is this. I have overcome a lot, but I have many trials ahead, and I'm in new territory.
The biggest change of all, is that I am truly on my own now. I have emotional support, but nobody is going to take care of me, and nobody but my shrink is dedicated to listening to my problems. (well, I have to find a shrink first).
I am confronted with a situation that is more difficult than I ever imagined, I don't have any place to call home except that which I pay for from my own work. I only have what I have earned from my service, and my sweat.
I grew up believing my mother when she told me that I would always be welcome under her roof as long as I was working or studying, that's not true. I'm proud that I managed to get my own place to live.
I'm also proud that I have managed to hold a job, and attend school simultaneously. I never imagined that I would be able to do that, and I'm beginning to realize why I may be the first in my family to finish what I've started at College. I certainly understand why none of them could manage to do it. School alone would be a challenge, now I have to do it while I'm working and on top of that I have this unbearable return to solitude. There was I time when I was with her that I thought I would never be alone again. Now I am alone and it's worse than I remember it.
But I keep trying. The stress gets the better of me sometimes, and I despair, I cry and I look for support. But I haven't missed a class, I force myself to focus, I study, I am always on time to work, I forced myself to start eating again, I am making myself sleep after so many restless nights.
I am taking this mountain that was laid upon me and I'm making bricks out of it.
Of coarse I get scared sometimes, and I want to talk to her. We talked everyday for two years, and I miss that. I'm angry that she isn't alone, she missed me until she found a way to fill the void I left. She told her self a lot of lies to make it easier on herself. Her ignorance is costing me a lot. It would be easier if I could depend on her. But I now accept that not depending on her now is what I needed to do to finish what I started. I am standing on my own two feet, I'm a little bit shaky, but I won't fall down, I'll keep going, no matter how hard it gets. And in time I hope it will get easier.
I believe being alone will get easier, but right now I think that all my other problems are going to keep growing for some time. I don't know how I ever could have thought college was going to be easy. I wish I didn't have to work my way through this, but I'm still grateful that I have the opportunity at all thanks to my military benefits. If it weren't for that I would be doomed to stay here forever, never scratching my way out a credit at a time.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to get my degree this year. I don't know yet if I can. If it's not possible, I may have a breakdown when I discover that I have to work and study at the same time for another year or two.
And, that, my friend, is one of the bravest things you've said so far.Quote:
Originally Posted by homesick
You're taking the shards of a broken dream and turning the into a mosaic masterpiece.
Glad you're still keeping on keeping on. Don't ever give up! We're all just one little click away! :)
"All is fair is love and war."
I don't really agree with that.
But I'm not above using that philosophy to get what I want.
I'm patient, but I don't have to be. I don't want to wait for her to figure out all the mistakes she made. She may never figure that out for herself.
I want to cheat at the game.
I'd love to call her and tell her all the horrible little things about her that she refuses to see. I want her to see how weak and frightened she is, and to be startled by how strong I am and marvel over the trials that I have overcome. She has absolutely no concept of what it is like to rely on yourself. For her, a failed relationship has no consequences. She has never had to be alone, she is so terrified of being alone that she finds another man the moment she thinks a relationship won't work. For her failure of any kind has no consequences. She pays no rent. Her family will always take care of her. Her government paid for her education, if she didn't graduate last year, she would still complete it this year without paying a single cent for it. She doesn't have to work. She will never be homeless or in need of a job.
I am alone. That is the price I'm paying for wanting to make myself better. If I fail at my endeavors I know there are consequences. If I fail my life will change, and only I can keep that from happening. I needed a job, and a home when she was afraid that she might fail an exam. Whose need was greater? She will never understand that unless she sees it for herself.
I stared my challenges in the face and I grappled until I got them under control. Now I'm riding this dragon around and clinging on for dear life.
What has she done?
She needs to be taught a lesson, I want her to see the way things really are, and that she is the weak one, not me.
I am angry, I am disappointed. But I don't want to punish her out of spite, I want her to see the truth because I love her and I deserve to love somebody that appreciates who I am. When she sees the truth, and truly understands that I have surpassed her, then she will want me back and she will be worthy to be with me.
This feeling makes me want to call her, it's not as strong as the need I felt in the past when I wanted support, but this feeling is almost as tempting. I want to rage at her and frighten her into realizing that if she doesn't grow up I will really leave her. I won't say goodbye through tears next time, I will leave her crying and I will be on my merry way. I still love her too much to actually want that, but I know that it is just a matter of time. If she could only see the horrible danger she is in she would come running to me. Every minute that goes by she is losing me, even I realize now that it is the truth. How do I show that to her?
Your mind is playing tricks on you. The first part makes sense as I understand those feelings, but the rest is crap dude, sorry.Quote:
I am angry, I am disappointed. But I don't want to punish her out of spite, I want her to see the truth because I love her and I deserve to love somebody that appreciates who I am. When she sees the truth, and truly understands that I have surpassed her, then she will want me back and she will be worthy to be with me.
Darlin, You're still giving her your power. Right now, she is not worth it.
You at a point so far from where she is right now... you've surpassed her in emotional strength, in knowing who you are, knowing what you want, and where you're going. You're the strong one in this situation.
Don't give her control over your head and heart anymore. You are in control of your own destiny... live in that fact.
You know that you're the best she has ever/will ever/could ever have. Revel in that. Know that. Truly believe it. And wait. If you two are destined to be together, she will realize it.
Your power is your strength. Don't get weak, Darlin. Tap into your own "super-ness."
She's not kryponite, she can't destroy unless you let her.
I know why you're saying that, it still sounds like I'm desperate for her.
I am still desperate, but I still believe that she can be better than what she is now. If I didn't believe that I know that I wouldn't love her anymore.
I was not growing before, that is why she left me. I can't change the past, so it doesn't matter anymore, but she can still change. It won't be to late for her until I choose to stop loving her, she wants to be better, she just doesn't know how.
I believe 100% that I can change her, because she wants to change.
I believe that I am a wonderful person whether she loves me, because I can do anything that I set my mind to and a broken heart isn't going to take that power away from me.
I may change but right now, my mind is still made up, I will give her another chance. I'm tired of waiting for her though, she needs someone to show her this world that is hidden to her. If she still doesn't love me after she sees the truth, then I will force myself to let her go.
Would I have ever realized how strong my love for her is if I didn't lose her?
She needs to see me as I am, and see that I'm going. The pain of loss was not enough for her, because she didn't know what she was losing.
In her mind she hasn't lost me, she still thinks I'm waiting for her. For the moment she may be right, but she doesn't know what she's missing, and she doesn't know that I am leaving her this very minute. Learning not to love somebody is a slow painful process but it happens, and her time is running out. That has never happened to her before, all her other exes still worship her, or if they have moved on she knows that they are not what she wants. I am what she wants. She knew that but she forgot, because I took so long to find my strength.
You are a wonderful person.
Because you are. Not because of who you're with.
Just remember that. :)
I'm going to rage until the sky spits out fire if I have to. I'll do what ever it takes to get her attention, because she needs to see that I have the power now, I need to shock her out of her coma.
I said it to her when she left me, I am a fighter, and I won't quit.
I refuse to wait for her to realize it on her own. I won't wait patiently for destiny to unfold itself.
I don't believe in 'meant to be'. I make my own destiny.
I never believed in fate or in the better nature of people, She loves me but her fear and her ignorance keep her from giving us another chance. No matter what anybody says I have the power to show her the way back to me. I don't have the power to change the way she feels, I can't do anything about that, but I don't need to change her, all I need to do is open her eyes.
I will continue to be patient and channel my rage into my college classes, and my social life, and my job, but as soon as I find a way to show her what she is missing my patience will pay off. I will not rely on her or on destiny to magically show her the way, because life does not work that way, we have to make our lives happen the way we want them to. I will not just lay down and die, and I refuse to surrender my heart. I will find a way to put the truth into her.
All right, I know that what I've been saying is exactly the same thing I told myself right before I started sending her text messages 3 days after she said she wanted to be alone.
I know better now.
I can't communicate with her because she doesn't speak the same language as me when it comes to love.
I have patience, but it's running thin.
I know that there has to be some other way than just this useless waiting. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do for myself. I can't fill up the minutes of the day with distractions. I am getting my situation under control and still have too much time to think.
I'll even try to be distracted by this other girl, but I have doubts about it working out when I just want somebody to distract me. If experience has told me anything, it's that these things usually don't work when you actively pursue them.
I won't give in to my weakness, I won't call her, but I refuse to leave it up to her, I don't trust her anymore, I can't rely on her poor judgment, and I won't give up just because she doesn't know what is happening. Of coarse she knows I love her, she knows the basics, and she knows all my weaknesses, but she doesn't know my strengths, and she doesn't remember the passion that I can ignite in her. If she just had a little taste it would grow until she can't control herself anymore, and I can't stress enough that I won't quit until I have seen proof that she doesn't love me anymore. That won't happen until she understands all that has happened.
Mystery is not doing me any service.
Is it possible for me to talk to her without getting emotional. I want her to know that I am OK, and that she should be wondering about what I am doing enough to call me.
I will not contact her, but I am so afraid that she will never have the courage to call me. I still believe that she is afraid of hurting me, and I need her to know that I am not that weak anymore.
I don't want to wait until I've got a new girlfriend or a diploma before I get sick of waiting for her to call. I want to piqué her curiosity enough to check in on me.
If some huge change happens to me and I really don't care about her anymore, I still won't call for my things because I can't afford to have them sent overseas. She knows this, but the fact remains that she has a lot of my possessions and she is not the kind of person who would forget about that, she won't take them as her own, and she won't throw them out. Something has to be done about it, I know it is a tiny advantage for me to have these things in her presence as a constant reminder of me, but they do not make her realize that I am no longer waiting by the phone for her to call.
When she believes that there is a chance that I will not be brought to tears by the sound of her voice, she will call.
Another possibility is when the veil is lifted and she no longer thinks that her new romantic interest is the greatest person ever, she will start to reconsider her hasty decision. This could be a matter of months or years. I doubt my convictions will last years. I don't flat out deny the possibility of the "if it's meant to be" scenario anymore though, I realize that letting her go will make my life so much easier.
In any case inaction is killing me, I'm back on top of things in my life again. School is not unmanageable and I can handle it. I just need to come up for air once in a while.
My social life is another story, I'm frustrated by the lack of interesting people in my life, I was intellectually spoiled in Europe and I'm used to having intelligent conversation with people, and that is hard to come by in my current surroundings.
As for the date I was supposed to go on yesterday, I was totally stood up. She didn't even call me. That is, to say the least, slightly aggravating.
Despite the fact that I am in a state of depression I think that I am keeping a very positive attitude, and I'm proud that I am maintaining my life even though I am in a constant state of emotional torment.
So my next intention is to see a psychiatrist or psychologist this week, and since I have been prescribed antidepressants in the past but I have never used them I hope that trying that may make it possible for me to be a happier, healthier, more balanced person.
My goals remain the same, and I am staying constant on my coarse despite my constant urges to try risky shortcuts. I am not changing my direction.
And since it's become part of my routine, I'll just ask again, if anybody has any ideas as to how I can prompt her to call me without direct contact. I must insist that she and I are not finished and I won't accept the possibility that she is completely lost to me until she acknowledges the progress I've made. If she sees that and still denies me then I will do my best to move on, until then my mind is made up.
Darlin, only you will be able to know if you can talk to her without getting emotional. I wish we could all give you that magic elixer that will make you non-emotional, not effected, and give you that Joe Cool attitude when/if you finally do approach her.Quote:
Originally Posted by homesick
You're going to know if it's the right thing to do to contact her or not. You've done amazingly well so far in not contacting her.
I don't know what's best for you - to continue NC and wait for her to contact you, or the other way around. I almost think that you may need that closure - you said "if she sees that and still denies me then I will do my best to move on, until then my mind is made up." I don't know if you should - I can't know that.
I can only tell you that in my own situations in the past, NC was the way for me to go. NC worked for me. That was closure enough for me. But, it might not be for you.
Bottom line: you're going to have to determine what YOU think is best for you... and then do it. If its NC, you have already exhibited your ability to do that (an ability that I'm real proud to have observed from an e-distance). If its contact her, figure out if she is just too scared to contact you. If its just to wait, then wait. AND, if its move on... Darlin, move on.
I really hope that you're able to figure this out. You deserve happiness.
(About the girl that stood you up? She's the loser. ;) )
Thanks HC,
Your right about that girl, I won't waste my time with her. I need to concentrate on school. I feel pretty good about classes now, I caught up on a lot of work, and I think that I'm going to be OK.
I'm still getting worked up quite often when I think about my ex. I really don't think it's over yet. I guess I could look at it this way, I'm giving her time to figure out how she really feels.
I'm upset that she told me she doesn't want to get back together the day before I said goodbye, I wish I could have acted like I didn't care, and I wish I could have made her believe that I could take her or leave her, and that I was fine. That magic pill would have helped... I prided myself on my honesty, and my honesty is what drove her away in the end.
But I don't think I'm in denial when I say that with a positive attitude my situation is not so terrible, I just have school and work. And on the weekends I catch up on school work and I have time to relax, I just need to find out what helps me relax.
A trap I keep falling into is saying to myself, "This would be fun if she was here with me" or "She would really appreciate this."
But I can't share my world with her anymore, she has cut herself off from it.
I try to imagine what her world is like quite often, and I'm sure that I don't understand it, it is easy for me to say that she has it easier than me, but only part of that is a matter of choice on her part. Her choosing to be with somebody else makes it easier for her, but her family and her place in society have done the rest of the job. It's easy for her because she will never face the prospect of poverty, she will never need a job, she believes that all of the trials I have been through are no big deal because she comes from a different world. A world where it's fun to look for a job, or a new place to live, it's not frightening for her like it was for me because she had her family to take care of her, if I didn't find work, my future would be compromised. If I didn't find a place to live I couldn't live a stable life. She has done many of the things that I had to do these past months, but she has never been faced with consequences if she was unable to do them.
All that is not that important, the important thing is this, I appeared weak to her when I was under the greatest amount of pressure I have ever felt in my life, her love and my future were at stake if I didn't accomplish what I set out to do, of coarse I was scared, and I wanted her to support me. But I succeeded without her support and I am overcoming all obstacles and doing quite well at taking care of myself in a most difficult situation, and despite my depression and difficulties I am maintaining a positive attitude. I have surpassed her in maturity, and she may never realize it because she will most likely never have to face any of the challenges that I have conquered. I don't hold a grudge against her for this I only see myself as better equipped to take care of her now.
I wish that I could show this side of the story to her. Her perception has been so flawed because of her ignorance of what life is like for somebody like me that does not have all the advantages in life that she was lucky enough to have.
I hope that I don't have to wait until I go back to Hungary for her to see the man I've become. I hope one day she realizes what I've gone through without me telling her. I hope one day she sees that I am a beautiful, exciting wonderful person and that I can have fun without her and she is really missing out on an awesome adventure here because she was afraid to believe in me. She has made part of my adventure quite difficult and it would have been better if she didn't run away from me, but my adventure is not over yet. If I can, I will bring her along for the rest of it at some point, but I need to show her the rewards not only the risks. I'm full of hopes and I want share my hopes and my promises with her.
I would like honest opinions from everyone who has read this post,
When/Will she will call me?
Bear in mind the important factors;
1. The pathetic way I acted when I finally said goodbye.
2. My possessions in her home.
3. Her persistence to keep in contact with me until I finally said goodbye.
4. The fact that our relationship was always marvelous when I was improving myself exactly like I am doing now.
5. And most importantly the fact that she is completely clueless about fact number 4.
6. and any other important details I forgot.
I know that nobody can read her mind or see the future, least of all me. I just want to know what everybody thinks.
I don't think anyone knows that really... Nobody knows what she's thinking or what she feels etc. I think you should stop obsessing about that and move on... At first I was wandering about if she'll call me etc... but now I don't think I care as much... I mean yeah I would like to hear from her and all, but what's the point really... There is no chance of us getting back so why obsess about it.
I suggest you do the same... stop thinking about it and just move on... When you stop obsessing about it and constantly thinking if and when she'll call... Who knows, maybe she calls then...
Good Luck
I can't help but think that I don't like something about altering my life to be centered around myself when I found that centering it around her made everything work so well for me these past two years.
Of coarse there were problems about making my life all about her, but when I think carefully about it I always come to the conclusion that the problems arose out of me not doing enough with the intent of improving myself, I was only trying to maintain a status quo by not doing anything until she started to lose interest, than I would become a temporary hive of activity until her affections returned, and then quickly return to my hibernative state.
Now I see that I love myself enough and I have matured enough to make continuous strides to improve my condition and to keep myself in a state of change or activity. I believe that my inability to do this in the past is both what made me unhappy, and caused her to lose interest in me.
All that I am wanting from life now is an opportunity for her to see that. I honestly believe that I figured out the 'magic formula' for our relationship to work, I want to make sure she gets a chance to try it out.
It's not about closure for me it's about me being certain that we could be perfect for each other.
When I say perfect, what I mean is that we have the perfect characteristics of a healthy relationship, we both love each other, we are not identical so we have much to learn from one another, we both help each other but we do not depend on one another, and we both love to help each other grow better than what we are now.
No matter how much I love myself, or move on, she is still somebody that I want to share my life with because I want to free the wonderful person inside of her, and she helped me find the person I've become.
The fact is most people don't really care what is best for them when somebody they love leaves them, they all believe just as I do that the best thing in the world is getting back together with their ex. I'm not saying I'm special.
I've gone through all the arguments with myself as to how I would be so much better off if I stopped thinking about her. I believe some of them, and I believe that a part of my heart may grow cold if I let it, and that would let me carry on like the cool guy that doesn't need pity. That self confidant guy who doesn't have time for a woman that doesn't love him.
Guys like that are almost always jerks, and they treat women like crap. I don't want to try to make her come back to me by acting as if I don't care about her, I understand to a degree why it has an affect on people, of coarse it works better than begging, I don't want to change in that way, I want to love just as strongly as she taught me, I'm not afraid to love, and I don't ever want to be too afraid to love. I want her to see that despite my love I can be happy without her, that will make her want to get back into my life.
Still, knowing that I can be happy without her, and being happy without her are two very different things.
I don't want to deceive, I don't want to forget, I don't want to move on, and I don't want to cling to the past, I have a bright future that would be even brighter with her in it, is it so wrong to want to share my gifts with her? No it's not wrong that I want that, and I can accept that I can't change her and I can't change the world, but I don't have to change her, I just want to show her what she is missing...
What I want is not unhealthy.
Her choices are unhealthy, yes they are her choices, but I am saddened by her fear of loving me, and her fear of taking risks.
I want her to take another chance, and she won't do that unless she sees what I have to offer.
I'm not going to write happy little notes to her with pictures in them like all her other 'pet ex boyfriends'. I'm not going to do that for her, and I hate to see her do that, she sends them pictures and vague little emails about her life, and how things are going and they start jumping up and down and getting excited that she is paying attention to them again, so I know the best thing in the world is for me to ignore her, but how can I let her know I'm ignoring her when she won't pay attention to me? If I were rich I'd send money and tell her to return my things, then I don't think I'd have to wait long for her to call. But I want that stuff to be there when I get back to Hungary anyway. I should just cut her out of my heart and start dating again. That's wrong I shouldn't start dating, I don't want to attach myself to my current surroundings I don't need a girlfriend I need to finish school and get out of this country.
I tell myself to do lots of things but I still won't change my mind. I still just want to get her attention again, and I still want to return to Europe. I want to give her another chance to see what's she's missing, and I want her back in my life. I'm so on top of things now, and the fact that I don't need her just makes me more confidant that I want her. It makes me sure that things would be even better now because I'm healthy enough to get more out of our relationship then I ever did before.
You were wrong. I don't deserve your love, I deserve better.
It's pathetic how you have lied to yourself because you are so afraid of taking risks. You enabled me to keep my addiction when I had so many opportunities to heal at my fingertips. You quit on me right when I needed you the most, when I faced the most difficult situation of my life alone. Because he was more interested in your high school than I was, and he has a movie projector, and he brought you soup while you were sick, and he cooked for you. You fed me that bull while I was here alone working my off to get back to you and to have something more to show for it than a bill for a plane ticket. You cut me down until I was almost nothing. That is the only way you could leave me, you had to pretend that I was the weak one. I made a man out of myself for you, and I'm continuing to work my way up from the absolute bottom. I didn't need somebody else to leave you, I just wanted to make myself a better person. You couldn't let me go until the very end, with your constant comparisons to your new boyfriend; does he make more
Money than me? Does he treat you better than me? Is he more fun at parties? Why didn't you just compare the size of our penises? You're probably not even with him anymore. He was just your convenient little tool for getting rid of me right? And I was just around so that you didn't have to be alone during your last year of med school? Why didn't you pick somebody else? You could have ruined my life. I'm sick of your stupid games. You treat men like they are your toys.
I started this journey so I could take care of you. How did you repay me? You hid the truth from me until you were sure you didn't need me anymore.
You were right, all you did was hurt me in the end, but I'm not suffering for you anymore. You actually believed that I needed you, how blind you are.
I earned everything I have in this world. If you can't appreciate that, then enjoy your silver spoon, and never learn what it is to be poor, and proud.
I'm tired of making excuses for you. You are not who I thought you were. And when I say I'm not waiting for you anymore I mean it this time, you've proven that you don't want to change. I loved who I thought you could be, but you obviously don't want to be that person. I'm too good to be treated the way you treat all your ex boyfriends, I'm better than a pet. I don't need your pity, and you don't have mine, I don't care if you're happy with your choices. I'm sending money to your brother this week. Send my things and don't write to me the next time you break up with somebody, call one of the guys you keep in your pocket I'm sure they'll hop on a plane and keep you company isn't that why you still talk to them?
I'm sure that nobody has ever spoken to her like that in her entire life. If I asked her about it while we were together, she would say that she would never put up with being treated like that. But I'm not so sure, I'm tempted to try this out, it's my last trump card, but I won't use it until I'm actually ready to let her go. It seems unlikely but this just might scare the hell out of her, if I am so sure of myself and so sure that she was a waste of my time she just might panic and try to come crawling back, she would never believe it, and I never would have thought of her that way, but I have a feeling that just the shock would be enough for to act out, of coarse she would send my stuff but she would be thinking about this letter for a very very long time.
I don't know if I will ever be brave enough to send it. Maybe if I sent it back in November it might have worked.
Even if I tone it down I couldn't do it. I don't have the money for posting anything yet so I guess it's kind of a moot point.
Is she really "all that"?? I mean seriously, sending emails to her ex-boyfriends keeping them up to date on her life? Darlin, she sounds like a self-righteous, self-absorbed, Paris Hiton-wanna-be, Barbie doll.Quote:
Originally Posted by homesick
I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, but you need someone with the same depth that you have learned/become/grown to have.
As you already know, I look at life through rosy glasses... everything is beautiful. There will always be a morning, no matter how dark the night. "The most tempestuous wind cannot disturb the quiet of the stars." There is a silver lining in every cloud. And, I honestly, truly, completely believe that.
BUT, I also loathe it when people that are good people are walked upon by those that they love. That's not right. I hate it when one person holds the cards and deals someone that loves them a bad hand just because they can.
I'm not giving any opinion here, I'm just trying to vent from a non-part of your situation. I'm not saying that you shouldn't give her another chance, or that you should cut her off. I'm just venting. And, being a part of this over-100-post thread, I think that I've earned the right! :)
Anyway, this little post isn't going to help anything, nor was it really meant to... like I said, I'm just venting.
Bottom line: You don't deserve a Paris-Hilton-wanna-be. You deserve a real honest-to-goodness woman... one that loves you completely, utterly, truly. One that returns your love with no-holds-barred, no reserves, no regrets, no retreats.
Believe me, I know what you are saying and I see that horrible weakness in her.
I don't fault her for it though, I know I'm just making an excuse for her but she does this thing with her ex boyfriends because she still cares about them, she never had an ugly break up, she left all these guys, and she has a mother complex, she wants to make sure that they are all still OK, and the little part of her that has no self esteem wants to know that they still love her whether they have moved on and gotten new girlfriends. She is an all-loving person, It's not just about her ego, while I admit part of it must be, she is a compassionate person, and she is not a cheater, her mind wanders a lot but I believe that she was faithful to me until she broke up with me. She wasn't honest though, and that is the part I am most disappointed with. I guess that makes her high maintenance. I didn't use to be the kind of guy that could take care of a high maintenance woman, but now I want to be a party animal, with a professional side. And It feels good knowing that I can do that now, and I believe that I would keep her more than occupied.
I pity her because she can't leave somebody until she replaces them, and she is very good at fooling herself when it comes to love. She is aware of her weakness but she won't do anything about it. I wanted to help her.
George_1950 said something to me about men's egos and relationships. I guess I'm guilty of believing that our relationship should work just because I love her enough. I know that that logic is flawed, but I have more than my love to back me up. I have a bright future and limitless options, and I know so much about how her heart works, I'm constantly changing but my feelings about her stay the same, maybe it's because I am too stubborn to let go, or maybe it's because I really do see the beautiful person inside of her and I still believe I can coax her out. My life is still almost at the very beginning, I have a lot of time now, and I'm not the kind of guy that gives up easily. I don't know yet how to enjoy this time, I'm trying lots of things, but there are more opportunities for us waiting in the future, I have a lot of choices to make, and I want to make them carefully from now on. I've been careful in the past, but this heartbreak took me by surprise and I didn't know how to handle it. I should have seen it coming but love makes us blind I guess.
As for what you said about her depth, or her maturity, I understand why you say that and it's true to a point but she and I are kindred spirits, I never met anybody who felt as in tuned with my way of thinking when it came to harmony and love and how we look at people and the world around us, the difference was, I am a depressive person and she is an optimist and a live wire. She made me realize that I can have that spark as well, I just need to find my balance. There is no one else that I've ever met who could understand my thoughts as well as she could, even with the slight language barrier. We are both extremely empathetic people and very sensitive. I still believe that timing is what crushed our relationship.
Honey, nice girls don't play with guys hearts the way that she is playing with the hearts of all those "nice ex-boyfriends that she has a mother complex" for. That's not an all-loving person. That's a person that can't handle it when anyone thinks bad of her. Believe me. I was that person in high school. I played with the hearts of all the guys that fell at my feet. The ones that I "let down gently" I still contacted and had to know that they were still in love with me. I demanded worship, if you will.
Then I grew up. I put off that childish, high-school mentality of the popular cheerleader dating the "hottest guy in school" and grew up.
I realized that a man's heart is not to be played with or toyed with, it's to be cherished. To be truly treasured, because its priceless.
I went to college, fell in love (Princess Bride type of love - the whole "as you wish" was an understatement) with a wonderful, amazing man. We shared everything. He was my love, and I was completely his. We were engaged. He asked my Dad, we had everything planned. He was making my ring, we were on track. Then, something "happened" (not getting into it - too painful) and the result? He disappeared. Literally. Left without saying goodbye and never looked back. He broke me. Much like the brokenness that you are feeling now. I was literally crushed.
But, I got up. I went on. I dusted off my hands, stood up, and my perpetual Barbie-girl optimism returned. I had to. For my own sanity. And I became the person that I am today.
She needs to grow up.
(I don't really know why I shared all of that... I haven't really dwelt on that part of my growing-up experience/college life for a while. Heartbreak is a uniting experience. Spoken in any language, it is the most devastating thing that can happen to a person. The loss of a loving relationship, a physical loss of a special person, an experience... You have so much life left to live. Live it. Don't look back. Experiences make us who we are, they don't define us.)
Thank you for sharing that piece of your past with me, I feel for you I feel fortunate at least that she has not completely disappeared from my life, I believe you are correct when you say she needs to grow up, and you are not the only person who has made that statement to me. I never felt like our story was like that of a romance novel, I'm practical person and I seek practical solutions.
Practical, not economical.
I don't have any reservations about putting my hand into the matter, if she played dirty to leave me she didn't just cheat me she cheated herself. I am not following the rules anymore, I haven't been following the 'rules' ever since I came on this site, If there was a manual for relationships it would be this site, and she would have scolded me for reading it, but I don't care anymore, she may believe that prince charming will come along and she will never get bored with him, but he fact of the matter is we live in the real world and we are real people, she taught me something that I need to remind her; Love is not finding the perfect person, Love is making a beautiful life together and working together to improve whatever you can. If I have to ask for help, or read a manual, or fight dirty to get through to her, I will.
I won't sit idly while she wastes her time looking for a man she will never get tired of, I am making my life better, someday I'll get another chance to see if she's done the same. I will try my hardest to make the best of my situation, and live as if she's gone, but she will remain, deep inside of me waiting for another chance. I am constant, I have doubts like anybody else, but I still believe that that day is waiting for me.
If she can't stand people thinking ill of her than perhaps I have a new weapon. I don't know for sure, but it seems likely that that's the case. If she can deal with me being wounded and running away from her maybe she won't feel the same way about me charging in and screaming a war cry at her, since I'm sure that's something she's never experienced. If I have the courage to cut her completely from my life she must see that she's really the one that has lost. I don't want to make a rash decision, so I am asking for council, but I have a feeling that I might be able to show her a strength that she hasn't ever seen before, I won't back down into the night I will beat her at her own game. I'll demand that she pay tribute for her offenses, and make sure she knows that she is banished from my realm. Maybe, just maybe that will change her spot on the pedestal into a prison tower.
If it ever works, I'll have many secrets to keep from her. I don't like secrets but there are a lot of things I don't like that I'm learning to deal with...
Trust and honesty, I still value them, but I'm not a man of principals anymore, I believe in the ever changing nature of the universe, and constant people like me have to learn some time that change is the only constant and if you want to hold on to something's your going to have to let go of something else at some point.
In any case I'm not waiting for miss wonderful to come along and take care of me just because I'm so special. Anything worth having is worth working for.
Have you ever thought about visiting a nursing home? Or, a retirement community? This is just a thought I've been mulling over for a bit... humor me for a minute...
If, for nothing else then to see the marks that love has left on the people inside. Those people have lived life. You may find a man still in love with his bride of 60 years and her, lying in the bed next to him, just as completely head over heels for her groom than when she was 19 and a blushing bride. You'll find women who have loved, lost, and still survive because of the memories that live on in their hearts and in the pictures covering their walls. You'll find nurses that sit with older residents and read the love letters from days-gone-by... letters worn from age and dried tears.
You'd get a chance to put yourself as a "fly on the wall" to some of the greatest love stories - better than any Hollywood movie or love song. You'd actually see what true, real, lasting love is... the selfless qualities of such a love and of its ever-present-ness.
I find that when I'm at my lowest points, the best thing that I can do is not focus on myself, but remove myself from my situations and try to understand what makes other people tick.
The summer my ex-fiancee disappeared, we were both counsellors at a summer camp. I had a cabin full of teen girls. (the whole camp thing was part of the long story of "why") But, all that to say, when I focused on the problems of the teenagers in my cabin, I was able to put myself on the back burner for a while and try and help someone else.
When my Dad (my precious, "wind beneath my wings," hero of a Dad) died from cancer, I threw myself into my work - I went back to China for a year and immersed myself in teaching English and western culture.
I'm nothing special, don't mistake this for "tooting my own horn," but you're in a familiar place... I've been there... I know what helped me...
I think that may be why this site is so amazing... because you literally have thousands of people ALL hurting, trying to find solace in the words of someone else, the answers of a "virtual" stranger, the comforting words of others, the problems of someone on the other side of the screen... in order to remove themselves from their own struggles and pour what they have learned into someone else. I have always believed that what we go through is never for our own good, but for the benefit of someone else down the line.
At least, that's why I came here...
homesick: have you seen this?
Ok, this is day number 8 of no contact. Removed everything in my life that reminded me of her. All the pictures, all the stuff on the web, even the stuff we had saved in the basement from the wedding. It's all gone now.
I still think of her, but not so much now. I'm actually starting to enjoy my freedom, and getting out a bit more. For all of you that said that time helps... you're right... It does. No contact works as well.
When I first decided to try out the no contact thing it was because I was hoping she'd miss me and call. Now I'm realizing more and more that it's for me. It's so I can feel better and manage my pain level through this difficult time. She hasn't called or texted me, and I don't really feel all too bad about it. That phone call or text message would just set me back... I want to move forward. If she were to call, it would go to voicemail, and that's that. I've been through way too much to let her get ahold of me again. It's to the point that I don't think I'd be able to take her back. She's done some really cold and mean things, and I don't think she has it in her to be the woman that I need in my life.
So, I'm going to get out there and look for an "upgrade" at some point. Someone who fits better. My wife and myself were always friends. The 7 years we lived together we were BEST FRIENDS. I don't really miss the sexual or intimate relationship as much as I miss having my best friend around. Right now, we can't be friends - but I'm open to it further down the road, after we've both moved on. I hope we can have a healthy friendship at some point as opposed to a bad marriage. I've just plain come to realize that it wasn't working, and she wasn't going to put in the effort that I was willing to put in. I'm sure she felt the same way about it at times as well.
So, I'm feeling allright. I'm not the happiest man alive, but I feel so much more empowered by taking the situation into my own hands and moving on for myself.
I'll keep you all updated. Thanks for the help.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-165559-7.html
Wow,
I'm honored but at the same time I am sad that I am so unequipped at the moment to take your advice, I know that you both speak the truth, and I genuinely see the rational behind it, and I may try at some point to carry out these ideas that you have shared but, right now, I am too stubborn to change, I am strong enough to carry this cross and do all the things I need to do in my life.
Perhaps when I am seeing a doctor regularly and I have been on antidepressants for a while I will be able to let go, but I don't know if I can in my current state.
As for now I'm truly concerned first with my academic situation. It came to light that the army will not give me a degree because I am no longer on active duty nor am I a reservist. So I have to find out if my school will accept credit from the Defense Language Institute. I haven't given up hope yet, I still may be able to get my degree this year. And If that plan fails my back up plan is to get the Toefl English teaching certification from a 60 hour Oxford coarse that is available at the university here.
I taught English privately in Hungary for a stint while I lived there with my ex/future girlfriend.
Regardless of whether I can get her back or not I plan on going back and teaching in a school there, if things don't work out I'd be thrilled to teach English in Malaysia or Thailand or Japan.
I have a lot of hopes and even though I am rushing things I am optimistic that I can manage to make a big change this year. Even if that change is only inside of me.
After only 8 days is incredible, I don't want to be critical, but could he be in denial?
I felt a few ups after I started NC, but I generally feel unease, fear, jealousy, confusion, loneliness and anger. Could it be that I am just not as confident in myself? I don't want to imply that I love her more but maybe I just relied on her more.
Toefl! Definitely do that! You've taught in Hungary, so you know the value. I wish I had gotten my Toefl before I went to China, but it all worked out. I actually taught an Oxford Business English course at GE while I was in China - what a great experience. Annnd... I'm still using it! I've been hired by this tutoring company and have to students from Japan! Nissan brings them to the states for a couple years and they hire tutors to help them with their conversational/business English. Its great - and gives me a little of that teaching medicine I so miss.
No, I don't think he's in denial. George is a very wise person - he actually gave me the best post of advice on my very first question. I think he understands a whole lot more about the whole NC thing that we do. It took me a long time to get to the point that he is... Its quite amazing, actually.
No one is the same in these types of things. We all share the same heartache, but the symptoms are all different. It just takes some people longer to grasp the fact that they're going to be OK. There's nothing wrong with that.
George - you go, man! And I did mean that - my very first question on here... you gave me something I can hold on to - and I've implemented it into my life/relationship. So, thanks for that. :)
homesick,After only 8 days is incredible, I don't want to be critical, but could he be in denial?
I think its you who is in stubborn denial.
I felt a few ups after I started NC, but I generally feel unease, fear, jealousy, confusion, loneliness and anger. Could it be that I am just not as confident in myself?
That could be a distinct possibility, and you need to learn how to cope with those feelings
I don't want to imply that I love her more but maybe I just relied on her more.
They were married, so now you are running out of excuses. As prolific a writer as you are, you still stick to excuses not to heal, even if your depressed, you can do something about that. So I take your rantings as well written vents, and figure you'll get it one day. Forgive the harshness of this post, but what you need is a good smack upside yo' head, to get UNSTUCK. Life will do that though, no matter how stubborn, or depressed you may think you are.
I hope it didn't sound like I was being critical of aboleth, I was only surprised that it's possible to start recovering so quickly from as deep a hurt as he went through, if I was being critical of anybody it would have to be myself.
I am not in denial about the nature of her actions, I'm extremely hurt and often angry about the way she dealt with me after I left. I can tell myself that she doesn't love me and I don't outright deny it before I finish the thought. But If I can believe that I can live without her, I can also believe that she can change, and find the feelings for me that she lost.
I know that it is inevitable that I will carry on with my life with our without her and it's my choice to be happy or not, but denial is keeping me from making rash decisions and I still need that hope for a while longer, even if it's false hope, for the time being I need to believe that I still love her, and that I have a chance of proving myself to her. I need something to hold onto until I really believe that my life can bring me happiness from another source, and you all have helped me start my search. I also believe that therapy, and possibly medication will help me find my balance. And the final chapter of my search for satisfaction has to lie out in the world that I love so much. I may not return to Hungary, I might go somewhere else, a new country means a new life for me and a new possibilities all I know is that I've searched in America and I haven't found much.
I guess my point is this; I have a new found confidence in myself, and I know who I am, but I'm not used to the possibility of being happy without my partner, and I didn't really know how to make myself happy before. My problems with depression stretch back a long ways before I ever met her, and I need to stop using her as an excuse to be miserable, I've been thinking of her as a quick solution to make my life better, and I won't rule out the possibility that she actually does, but I must accept, that now is the time for fixing this problem alone, and when I do that I need to decide if she is really worth it since she didn't bear with me through it until the end.
Why is my life a never ending catch 22?
Can I choose whether I love her?
Did I really give myself permission to be happy without her? I have changed the way my mind works, I don't paint everything black anymore.
I'm am facing my material, mental, and spiritual problems.
My patience is tested again and again and again, and I continue to endure.
I can't move on while I still have doubts, anybody can argue either way from the story I've told, you can say that it could work in the future because she was wounded and weak because I let her down or you can say that it's not worth even the slightest thought on my part because she is a heartlesswitch.
There is some ground in the middle that we haven't covered.
I can't let her go while I have doubts, I can't be free while I still cling to hope. I know that I have the keys to my own prison, but I keep throwing them away whenever I remember that she has not seen everything yet.
Why is my life a never ending catch 22?
Can I choose whether I love her?
Did I really give myself permission to be happy without her? I have changed the way my mind works, I don't paint everything black anymore.
I'm am facing my material, mental, and spiritual problems.
My patience is tested again and again and again, and I continue to endure.
I can't move on while I still have doubts, anybody can argue either way from the story I've told, you can say that it could work in the future because she was wounded and weak because I let her down or you can say that it's not worth even the slightest thought on my part because she is a heartless witch.
There is some ground in the middle that we haven't covered.
I can't let her go while I have doubts, I can't be free while I still cling to hope. I know that I have the keys to my own prison, but I keep throwing them away whenever I remember that she has not seen everything yet. I am am stuck on this choice of calling her everyday, because I am afraid of ending my own hope.
She saw enough to end the relationship, and that is the bottom line. The rest is you chasing your own tail, round and round. Reread all your posts, the same recycled crap over and over. That slap upside your head, is what's needed.Quote:
I can't let her go while I have doubts, I can't be free while I still cling to hope. I know that I have the keys to my own prison, but I keep throwing them away whenever I remember that she has not seen everything yet.
I know that I keep saying the same things. I've read through it many times. I know that I need to move on.
But there is always a 'but'.
I won't move on until I have the courage to confront her and make her give me another chance or finish breaking my heart, if she loves me she will give me an opportunity, if she doesn't she will squash me like a bug.
I won't die if she rejects me wholly even after I make all my changes. I hope I won't hurt as much as I do now when that happens.
Funny thing is I'm making this so much more painful that I have to, I could have confronted her 2 months ago, instead I'm still waiting for her to change her mind.
Her aunt told me that she sees that I've changed and a tiny bit of hope still is inside of her but she's lost her faith or trust in me.
Neither of us is ready.
She is not ready to take another chance on me, and I have only just begun my important work. I know that clinging to her is only slowing me down, but I'm afraid of being strong enough to let her go. I'm silly.
And above all I don't know what she really feels, I only know that I still love her, and I won't give up until I'm satisfied that she sees me for what I am. I know that makes me selfish that I will back her into a corner until she leaves no doubt that she doesn't love me anymore.
Just like good ol' Smokey the Bear...
Only you can prevent forest fires.
Only you can take back those keys to your life and go on...
You'll only be in a prison for as long as you keep yourself chained up. You are in control of your own destiny.
I left the keys in her purse along with my testicles
LOL! Oh, I'm sorry... that was just so totally unexpected.
Well, Darlin, Cut a new key and grow a new set, cause you're on your way to greatness.
(Wow... My Mom would totally kill me if she saw this posting... wow... 28 and I still hear my Mother's voice in my head... That's a good thing... I guess... ;) )
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