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I just want to say thank you to everyone who gave me such great advice on this thread. I haven't checked her Facebook since this thread, but the temptations are there. However, whenever I'm tempted, I just re-read this thread.
Thanks again everybody!
Way to go west.
Hope things are going well for you.
Things are going very well... today is a great day, I may have a project due in an hour that I have no hope of finishing on time, I couldn't care less. I feel good today, and my hair looks amazing. You know those days where you wake up and shower and whatnot and you look in the mirror and you're like "Damn! i look good". This may be a bit feminine, but I don't care.
Hahahaha the good hair days.
Sadly, I really don't care about the way I look... and it shows. Currently, I'm wearing a gray shirt with brown lounge pants and some pumas. I'm at work like this. I'm going to class like this. If all goes well, I might go out tonight like this. My hair?. not styled in any way shape or form.
But I know what you mean.
I received an email from one of my ex's friends at her college... she wrote that she think my ex and her new boyfriend don't "mesh" well, and wants me to make more of an effort to try and win my ex back. She admits that she doesn't know the whole story, just what my ex told her, but she said she doesn't believe that I ever treated her badly, and she thinks that ex just left me for someone else.
Lauren (my ex's friend) is a smart girl, though very nosey. She continues to say that my ex's new boyfriend is transferring out of that school, and that my ex is thinking about following him. Lauren also thinks that I should talk to my ex and convince her that it's a bad idea... how precious...
I haven't written back, and I probably won't, if I did though it would probably be something like, "i dont care, if she wants to make bad choices, let her"
So what gives? Is this just a concerned friend? Or my ex trying to mask her identity? Either way, I don't really care, but I guess that fact that I'm writing this here means that I do, at least a little. I know I should just ignore this, but I do want what's best for my ex and it would be a shame if she were to just follow some guy around and never learn to stand on her own two feet... but its really not up to me I guess.
I understand where your coming from. You still care about your ex and as a result you don't want her to screw up her life. You want to try to help her out, and heck maybe if you do that she'll realize what a great person you are. Problem is that it's not your place to do so anymore. In fact, if you try to help it might just make her angry.
It was about a week ago that I saw my ex and she looked very sad and depressed. She was eating all by herself and I wanted so badly to go and talk to her and see what was wrong. But I knew that would have probably made things worse, especially because we haven't talked in close to 3 months. She always told me she wasn't some child who needed to be taken care of, so if I tried to do something she might have just thrown it back in my face.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that your ex needs to make her own mistakes and learn from them. On top of that, you have no real idea if there is something wrong and your friend is just jumping to conclusions (heck maybe my ex just had a really bad cold and that's why she looked sad). As much as it hurts she is no longer a part of your life. It was her choice and she needs to deal with the consequences.
If I were you I would e-mail your friend back. I would tell her that you really care about your ex and that you miss her. However, your ex is a grown woman and has to make the decisions she feels are best for her life, as a result you will not get involved. Let her know that you have already tried to win her back once and that failed. If she wants a second shot at the relationship than she will make the effort to contact you. Thank her for the concern and say goodbye.
I think if you do this it shows that you are not a cold person and that you care. However, your mature enough to not get involved. This is just my opinion. Wait to see what other people think.
When I am hurting because of someone else and I really want to tell that other person why, I find it very useful to write my feelings in a journal. Instead of writing to her, write everything down in a letter that you will never send. Pour your heart out, anything goes because you are the only one who will ever read it. You'll be surprised how much it helps to let it all out.
I wouldn't respond to her email, it sounds like she is just fishing for info, you're her backup in case things don't work out with the other guy. Deep down she knows you still care about her and she wants you to know that she's still out there. Don't do it, the only one you'll be helping is her and you'll start right back at the bottom.
There is a wonderful girl out there waiting for you, one day you'll be ready to meet her and then you'll never look back. Your ex will be just a memory and your future will be wonderful. Good luck.
Well, I barley know her friend that emailed me, we met once when I visited my ex at school one time, before we broke up. So I don't know this girl at all, just what I know from what my ex told me about her, and that she is nosey and should mind her own business sometimes... although I think I will email her and tell her that my ex has the right to make her own choices and that I can't influence her decisions in any way.
Well.. unless this friend of hers has some unforeseen desire for you to be happy (which is NOT the same as her wanting her friend to be happy), I think this email might be well intentioned, but not necessarily a boom to you.
I mean... if things were going well, she wouldn't write you, right? I mean, this friend wouldn't have said... "look, you are right for her and he isnt, even though its smooth sailing, just dont give up"... right?
So now that things aren't perfectly in line (and you Don't know that that is true) she's probably just looking out for her friend... making sure that she has a cushion to land on if she falls on her arse. Fun being treated like a cushion? Nope.
The other angle I can think of is that she is feeling you out for the ex. I mean, we ALL want our ex's to pine for us... we all want them to miss all the great things and think "i blew it" to some degree. Everybody does the "does she think about be" thing. So... is the friend of the ex just trying to see if you are moving on, or if you are hanging on? Could be.
Not to say she couldn't just be telling the truth. I dated a wild girl once, and after shed dated me, and essentially was my girlfriend, she took me back home to meet her friends. Now... I knew this girl loved me as much as she could, but I knew this wasn't going to be a long term relationship without a break somewhere... she was career driven and no guy was going to keep her from doing her dream job... (undercover DEA)... so she figured shed get married maybe a dozen or years down the line, when she was tired of getting shot at and wanted to be tied down. But the friend came right up to me, at a bar, and said "shes never getting married, you know"... not "hey, nice to meet you"... not "howd you keep her tied down this long"...
Now, different situation... but it startled me, perhaps as this email hit you. Out of the blue. Unexpected. Now what the hell do I do stuff... and I honestly don't think the friend was asked to say this... I think she saw her friend in a serious relationship, and she knew her nature enough to know it wouldn't last, at least at that time.
But my situation was easier than yours... I knew this from the start. Yes, I loved her. Yeah, I might have married her sometime down the line... we had enough in common... but she was clear on her priorities, and I knew where they were.
Your situation is different. Suddenly if you do nothing you might kick yourself about "what if"...
Don't.
If your ex isn't willing to chase you down some... she doesn't want it bad enough. You might miss her... but I would hope that if she called you up today and said I need you back, you'd hesitate some.
She shouldn't just want you, or the comfort of the familiar... she should want you and be willing to work for it. She has something to prove, if she means it.
And a friend saying "try harder in case it falls apart" just doesn't cut it buddy. You don't need to be mean, but you WANT her arse to hit the turf hard if it doesn't work out.
I think you know this. Your last post showed you have your head in the right place, even if it's a pain in the arse to fight all the stupid noise.
I agree entirely kp... if she did call me up I would hesitate a lot, probably tell her no deal. But I do still care and I don't want her to make poor choices and whatnot, but I've accepted that its her party and I can't tell her who's invited.
I haven't responded quite yet, and I'm thinking about just letting it go and let her keep guessing in case my ex did ask her to send it.
You're also right about her having to work if she wants me back, she chased me hard before we became "official" so she can do it again if she really wants to. Do I expect it? Not at all. That I am moving on, and single life is going quite swimmingly.
Thanks for everybody's advice!
Glad to hear things are going well.
West, would you even consider taking your ex back? Because currently, in my situation, I def wouldn't.
Spring break started this past weekend... the ex and the new guy are on their trip. I... am stuck working all week. Boo.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny
I don't know... depends, if she just showed up and was like, "hey, sorry, lets try again" I would say no, but maybe if she had a really good excuse (the best excuse in the world). From what I remember she is generally a great girl, she had her faults, and she ultimately wronged me by leaving me for someone else even though she wouldn't admit it.
I don't know Sneeze, that's kind of a loaded question... but right now, I'm all good alone and I don't really want that to change right now.
Emotion is not easy to arise or end when words comes in a letter. Writing to you and your writing back will not lead you guys anywhere in your future. It is what people do that makes or ends a destiny.
I still hope you would write her back out of politeness. And when you guys are more mature than before, you would talk as friends. After all, you loved each other.
So I wasn't sure if I should even start a new thread because this event didn't cause too much drama for myself, but a little bit of confusion... I was going to try and piece it together myself, but outside opinions are very welcome.
I met the ex tonight after 3 months of NC... we just met at a little restaurant, and ordered some pie... we ended up talking and catching up for 3 hours. I was honestly just being myself, and I always found it very easy to talk to her. I was a little nervous at first, but when she pulled up next to me in the parking lot, I was happy to see her. She gave me a big, tight hug (I wasn't even sure if we were going to hug). And then we sat down and I told what I've been up too and what I've done and blah blah blah I'm so charismatic and I can always make her laugh.
Then she told me about her brothers and how both of their girlfriends had broken up with them... I cracked a few jokes about how I can relate and everything. And I asked what they're reasons were for breaking up, the first one said that she was leaving for college and didn't want to string him along. I said good, better she did it now, as I winked at my ex. And the second one said that she had a lot going on and was confused about stuff and that she thinks for now she'd be better off without a boyfriend as she is finding herself too attached to him. And I said, "well... thats actually not a bad reason, i can't say that i havent benefited from being single" which I really have I think, I'm able to stand on my own two feet and I feel pretty good about not needing anyone, I have more cash, I do a lot of things/planning for myself, and I like my freedom. After I said this my ex started crying, I was shocked... I said "whats wrong?" and she said nothing and that she's glad I'm happy and everything. Then I said "well, its not like i was unhappy with the way things were before" (when we were together) and then I said "did you want me sitting around here pinning for you?" and she said no and it was good that I'm doing good. After this she didn't talk much, she asked me if I had been dating anyone, I told her about this crazy girl who told me she loved after 4 dates...
At this point I was totally comfortable, and I asked her what she had been up to, she told me some stuff about school and everything. Then I asked her about the new guy, because I was feeling pretty confident that I wasn't going to be affected by whatever she had to say, and she said that she didn't want to talk about him, and I said "no really, you can if you want to" and she refused, so I dropped it. Talked more about work and how much money I was saving, how I volunteered at a day care, how I was tutoring kids at school... I basically made myself seem amazing (which I wasn't intending, but who am I kidding right? Lol).
Then it was getting late and she was going back to school tomorrow, so we left, in the parking lot she gave me another big hug that lasted awhile, and she started crying again, she told me that she really missed me, and I told her "you have no idea how confusing you are making this for me" and she was like "i know i know, im sorry" and then she started walking away and she said that she loves me and then immediately after she said "no no, dont think about that" and hugged me again while crying. I remained calm and cool during all of this and then she asked me to call her sometime and I said we'll see... and then I left.
I don't know what to think of this... right now, I feel like she misses me as a friend, I think I could be her friend, but I still kind of want her. Yet while we were talking she was hinting at the fact that she was afraid to be alone because I mentioned my brother and his situation (poor guy is 26 and following his girl all over the country... so unhealthy). And that she was young and needed someone... I said that I was young to, and I'm fine alone. So this leads me to believe that she still has those feelings for me, but is afraid because of the distance.
Well, lay it on me people... please don't think I'm trying to get an answer like "she wants you" or whatever because I really am perfectly okay alone, and am pretty much over her. So regardless, I don't care what happens with me and this girl. If we end up together again, cool, if not, that's cool too.
Sorry this is so long! I tried to make it interesting... I think...
I can't speak to her motives or actions, but its evident things are not that great with the new guy, and she may welcome your friendship. You handled yourself well though, but I caution any more contact at this point.
You have come to far to go back, no matter the feelings that have been stirred up again. You have had a chance for the closure we never get, and now you can plunge ahead. What brought this on, is my question?Quote:
"no no, dont think about that"
Of course your thinking about having her back man and yeah you probable would love it if she said come back to me I made a huge mistake. You even saying this makes it even more evedent :) we all would love our xs to come crawling back ego booster or what.
If you was so in different you would not have had lunch with her
I think it was a nice meeting. You should have told her that until you sort yourself out. Please don't meet up with me again.
I think its damaging man I mean your just as in the dark as you guys broke up. So in the end all this lunch thing did was make you feel even more in the dark.
The term I love you. Is used way too much and way to easy.. don't read too much into this man.
And as for her having a new guy and meeting up with you I mean that doesn't really speak much about her man. I don't think she know what she wants and I think its unhealthy for you to be around a person like that
I think you should drop her out of your life and move on
I hope it works out
We ran into each other at a starbucks, and she said it was really great to see me and asked if I would like to get together later... I agreed as seeing her didn't cause my stomach to punch itself.
I don't think I am going to contact her any further...
However she sent me and email just now apologizing for any confusion she had caused me tonight, and that some of the things I said had hurt her a lot (like that I'm happy alone), she said that she thought we could act like normal friends, but she guesses that that's impossible...
I just sent an email back apologizing for anything I said to hurt her, as I did not mean to and that I was just being honest... and I said that we both just want different things from each other right now.
Aaaand back to NC, as there is nothing more to say.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TrueFaith
The thing is, I have dropped her... I'm fine alone, and this meeting hasn't caused a lot of confusion for me... I'm just not sure what she is up to. And I wanted to update my situation
Then nothing more needs to be said if you are fine :)
Be strong and stay at it then
And who cares what she is up to. Probable try to have her cake and eat it
She just emailed me again saying that she cares about me so much, but that she doesn't want to be with me again... it kind of sucks to hear that, but deep down, I'm glad she did.
*sigh* I don't think I'm sleeping tonight... I guess deeper down I still had some false hope... weird...
Quote:
Originally Posted by ihatewestseneca
That sucks! Why did she boher e-mailing you and said that,
Conf-u-s-i-on! Stay away
Ah dude its normal the whole its cool I'm cool part we play ;) its just make us feel better. But yeah deep down there is always hope.
Yeah man put the lunch thing down to... OK that was my good bye and that's it officially over and move on with your head held high
Good luck
What the heck. That's just some confusing stuff. Wow, the stupid games people play. Whatever, just take it at face value and don't respond. Also, don't worry about the way you feel. Deep down, when love is involved, we all have that bit of hope that everything will go back to the way it was. Its human nature so don't beat yourself up over it. Just keep your head held high and keep moving forward.Quote:
Originally Posted by ihatewestseneca
You are way ahead of her in the healing my friend, as she still has a way to go. She should have come here first, as you did, as you handled yourself in a very manly way, and it seems to have pissed her off some what. Oh well, we live and learn, and you have learned very well.
Oh Westy, you did amazingly well! I'm duly impressed by your ability to really be yourself. That is wonderful.
I agree with Tal, you're so far ahead of her in the healing process that you're leaving her in the dust. You've figured out who YOU are, your strengths and weaknesses, your likes and dislikes, your character, without her - not despite her, but truly separate from her.
I think you're right. I think she does miss you as a friend. At this point, maybe you could just "be her friend", but I don't think it would be a good choice. You've been honest with her and said that you weren't pining, but rather that you were enjoying life - let her get to that point. She needs the healing just as much as you did. She needs what you have found.. . contentment.
Again, you're doing so well. I'm proud of you! :)
I can't help but think that she is being manipulative. My question is, who was the one who originated this meeting? When you said that she told you that she is afraid of being alone, I think that is the reason that she is doing and saying the things that she is saying. Apparently, things are not going well with the new guy and she was probably hoping that you and her could pick up where you left off.
Always remember, there is a reason that she is an ex and is not currently in your life. Yeah, remember the good times, but also remember the reasons for the breakup. It sounds like there is a lot of drama in her life. Life is stressful as it is without drama. For instance, you asked her what was wrong when she started crying and she said "nothing". I hate that!! I have a lot of girlfriends who do a lot of this and it irritates me to death. If there is nothing wrong, then why would a person cry? I truly believe that she wanted you to say that you needed her, that you couldn't live without her, that you made a big mistake and that you both need to be together. She apparently had different expectations for the meeting between you two and it did not go as she had originally planned. Most likely, she had the scenario played out in her mind prior to the meeting, with the result that you would both be together again.
My advice? Continue to move on with your life as you have been. It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and are making great choices in your life. If you get together with her, you may find yourself taking a step (or a few steps) backwards. Don't do that to yourself. There are a lot of good people out there in this world, you just have not found "the one" yet. It is better not to have someone than to be miserable with someone.
I think she definitely had an outcome in mind, but it just didn't go the way she planned.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom of 2
Thanks for the great advice and kind words everyone...
After sleeping on this, I can say that I feel so much better... like I never even took a step back. As for her saying everything that she said, I'm not going to take it to heart as she is still very immature and is unsure of what she wants anyway. So I'm going to continue with NC, though I may ask her for her brothers' numbers, as I feel I can help them cope with breaking up with their gfs... but other than that, that's it.
I feel good this morning/afternoon.
I wouldn't ask for her brother's numbers, as this will be a tie that she has with you. If you weren't close enough with them before, why do you need to be close to them now and "help" them through this? It doesn't make sense. I think you still have feelings for this girl and you are more confused than you are leading us here to believe. I wouldn't have anything more to do with this girl or her family. That is just my opinion. You need to break totally away from this person AND her family. Find someone else who is worth your while, otherwise you will begin to move backwards instead of forwards.
I just got another email from the ex... she basically told me that she knew for awhile that it was supposed to end... she insists that I did nothing wrong... and that I was the perfect boyfriend. I find this "i knew for awhile" thing hard to swallow as days before she broke it off with me she was telling me all the nice things you could think of... and then dropped the bomb on me... I can agree with the "you did nothing wrong" part (hear me out), because I can't think of a time where I really screwed up. She goes on to say that God was telling her that it wasn't meant to be even though we got along so great and I treated her so well (really? Is His work that mysterious?). She says about a million times that she is really happy and that things are great, and that she wouldn't change a thing right now. And I'm kind of happy that she's doing good...
anyway, really back to NC, I should have never met up with her... but I thought I was strong enough to handle it... if it weren't for the emails, I think I would have been. This has set me back a bit, definitely not back to day 1 but maybe month 1 or 1 and a half. I guess I think to practically... I know that there's always going to be someone that's 10x better for me in every way imaginable... but I was happy with her. Nothing stays the same I guess... oh well, I guess I got a lot more living and learning to do.
I know that I can't believe/trust anything this girl says anymore, as she is still a young, confused little girl. Its amazing how quickly I bounced back from the crappy feeling I had in the last post... it has literally only been like 20 minutes... NC works so well. I don't feel set back at all anymore.
Ahh, more post break-up bipolar syndrome acting up. Lol
I know I'm going to be just fine... this girl is a drop in the bucket that is my life.
Although I can't shake the feeling that things between us aren't over... is this a typical feeling for the first love?
Sorry to go off topic but I was just curious to what "NC" meant?
As for your situation, Im not an expert on relationships and I definitely have a problem right now myself but I really hope you get through this man. From what I read you seem like you're doing well for yourself and just hang in there.
NC means "No Contact"
Personally I don't believe everything she says, but that doesn't really matter. Right now this is about you and I'm glad you are handling things well. Don't respond to her e-mail and keep moving forward.
I love this website lol
I am a true believer that certain people are brought into our lives for a reason. We may not know what that reason is at the time, but after a period, we realize what the reason is. Love is patient and love is kind... love is not jealous or boastful... I think you know the rest of the passage. Maybe this person was a part of your life in order to show you what love is not. Take this relationship as a learning experience.
As far as feeling that things are not over between the two of you, that is completely normal. There are stages in the grieving process that you need to go through before you are finally "healed". I have stated this in other threads of similar topics, so I apologize for being redundant to those who have read these posts. Breakups are very similar to a death of a loved one, as you are experiencing a death of a relationship. You have to go through the denial phase, which is what you are experiencing at this moment. The other stages are anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance (Please refer to the book that was written by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross). You may not go through each of these stages in this exact order, and sometimes you keep going back to a particular stage over and over. However, in order to totally get over a relationship, you have to go through each of the stages in order to heal. Some people are able to go through all of the stages as quickly as 6 months, while others continue to "struggle" through all of the stages for as long as many years. If you skip any of these stages and do not allow yourself to experience the feelings of each of these stages, you will never be able to get over a relationship.
Since you state that this is your first love, I take it that you are still rather young. You have a lot of living yet to do, so continue to surround yourself with positive people and experiences, continue to acknowledge the feelings that you are feeling and do not deny any feelings, even if they are negative/sad, etc. Feelings are feelings. They are not right or wrong. It is what your choose to do because of these feelings (act out in anger, drink in excess, etc.) If you continue to struggle with certain feelings, seek the services of a good therapist to help you work these feelings out.
From what I have read in your posts, you are headed in the right direction. Continue to move forward and resist the temptation to move backwards. Resist the temptation to get in contact with her brothers or her friends, as this will prolong your healing process.
Sorry for the long post. I hope that my advice helps you. Good luck in your choices. I have faith that you will make wise ones.
Mom of 2: Can you go into more detail about the denial phase, such as symptoms, signs, and how to get out of it? I've heard of this stage but I think it would be helpful to all of us to have more details as to how it applies to the end of a relationship.
I think that it is extremely hard to stay friends with someone that you have shared a loving relationship with. It's a great idea in principle but in my experience just leads to confusion and further heartache for at least one of you.
Sounds like you both, if not then certainly she, have mixed feelings after seeing each other. Perfectly understandable!
I would be glad to go into the details of the denial phase, as well as details about the other phases, as this would be helpful to other individuals who are going through a death of a loved one or a breakup of a relationship.
Denial - This is either conscious or unconscious (sometimes we are aware that we are in this phase, sometimes we do not know unless someone points it out to us). This phase is identified as a refusal to accept the fact and avoiding the reality that the relationship is over - or the fact that the death occurred and the person will be walking through the door any minute. It is a defense mechanism and is a natual feeling. If you are going through this during the breakup of a relationship, you constantly tell yourself that both of you will be getting back together soon and that whatever problems that caused the breakup will be resolved and that you are not really broken up. Some people get stuck in this phase for a long time. During a breakup of a relationship, this can last a lot longer because the person is still alive and you may see them or have some kind of contact with this person, who may be giving you mixed signals, etc. However, with death, you cannot avoid reality for a long period.
Anger - People going through a breakup or death may be angry with themselves or with other people. It may be directed at the person they broke up with or who died, or someone close to them who was not involved in the relationship.
Bargaining - For a person who is facing death (i.e. dying of cancer) this person can try to bargain with God (or whoever their "higher power" may be) that if they do not die, they will promise to do something in return (i.e. stop doing drugs, be a better person, not be so short-tempered, etc). For someone experiencing a breakup, this may mean them asking, "Can we at least stay friends?" or "If I change ABC, will you agree to stay with me?" Basically, you are negotiating a better situation than the outcome you see in front of you.
Depression - This has bad connotations, but when a person hits this phase, they are really close to accepting the reality of the situation. This is a feeling of sadness, regret, fear and uncertainty.
Acceptance - This is emotional detachment from the person they lost through death or a breakup in a relationship. Once you are at this stage, you have accepted the reality that the relationship is over and you are ready to move on.
Again, you do not have to go through all of these stages in this exact order, but you do have to go through all of the stages to move forward. Sometimes people have experienced two or more phases at the same time or they may go back and experience one of the phases again, even though you thought you were through with that phase. Also, there is no set time limit that is set on each phase, as some people may take longer to get through a certain phase than others. You have to go through the phases at your own pace. It may take just a few months to go through all of the phases, or it could take years. If you are having an extremely difficult time, please seek the services of a trained professional (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.)
I hope that this helps. Again, please refer to the book that was written by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. You can find the book at your library or in a book store. It is a must read for anyone who is going through a loss, whether it is death or a breakup.
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