He's beautiful, such a sweetie. Enjoy every minute, they grow up way too fast. :)
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He's beautiful, such a sweetie. Enjoy every minute, they grow up way too fast. :)
Congrats guy, I know you'll be a great dad!
Thanks, I will always do my best and put him first in line of all my priorities.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Going to register him tomorrow. Hope all goes well. We did agree on having both our surnames. I just hope she keeps the promise, it will be a nice touch and signal the intent of continuing co-operation and us working together for the good of baby :)
Snuffy
Sounds like mom has done a complete turnaround, I hope it continues, for your sake, but especially for baby's. I don't know if you want to post it, but I sure would like to know his name.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Sure, ( I won't reveal either of our surnames for privacy however.)
His first name is Riley.
That's a very nice name for a very sweet baby. :)
Just so we're even. My son is named Jared and my daughter is Sydney. :)
Equally, very nice names. Both rare and distinguished :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Just saw the pictures - absolutely beautiful!
Again, I'm really glad it is 'happening' for you and that you are happy!
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif
I really like the name Riley.
Congrats Snuffy!
Ooohhh so cute, he looks like u :)Quote:
Originally Posted by snuffy
Aww thanks. DO you reckon?Quote:
Originally Posted by tiamokiss
First thing the midwife said to me. He looks just like his daddy. All of her family and herself, they think that he looks just like me, and not even at all like her.
I kind of think he does in a way, but it's so hard to tell. All I know is he is truly beautiful.
So I take it you're not going to get the paternity test?
Congratulationsssssssssssss
Congratulations! I'm sure this is the happiest day of your life. Enjoy your beautiful baby son. You will be a wonderful dad! This is a new beginning for your life.Quote:
Originally Posted by snuffy
Awesome! Life is wonderful, isn't it? Pure... unconditional... LOVE!
Way to go SNUFFY! Or should I say DAD!
Congrats!
Hey guys: a further update,
Still things are going well, baby's Mum and I getting on civilly and well, treating EACH OTHER with respect and appreciation :)
Been seeing baby fairly regulary at her house.
Sunday she allowed me to take him to my house on my own for 2 hours (to start with because its first time away from mother), and the best thing is that she suggested it. I did not even consider that she would allow me to have him so soon, and I was not going to ask her for at least 8 weeks!
She was tearful and crying when she strapped his seat into my car. I felt really bad and compassionate for her as I can't imagine what it is like to have the baby blues. I said to her 'thanks for letting me have him and I promise he will be back prompt and on time, you can trust me."
Needless to say I had him back to her house on the dot and well, I am glad that this milestone has been achieved. It bodes well for our 'relationship as [mutually co-operative] parents'. And I guess it means she trusts me appreciates me as a good decent loving parent. Hopefully we can continue in this vein.
So, still, all in all very good, and the best thing to come out of all this is that this baby is going to have so much love from both his parents. I know he would get all this love if we were all living together, but it seems he gets even more, if you know what I mean!
Fantastic! Who knows what the future holds. Whatever, though, it is all good if it remains like this. :)
Love and regards,
Snuffy
Glad to hear it bud...
I'm happy for you, truly happy.
Take care.
THERE has been a major change again; for the worse. :(
I last saw my son exactly one week ago. That evening baby's mum sent me a text message saying that we need to sort something out regular regarding when I can see the baby - some sort of routine - which is all fine. I knew we would eventually have to discuss it after the newness of the situation subsided.
So I got a text 'offering' me the following:
Two days per week for a couple of hours each time, at her house.
3 hours at my house on alternate saturdays.
She asked me 'what do you think?'
I sent a reply saying that I would prefer to come up to her house so we can discuss it properly and reach a better compromise.
Then the reply I got to it was that her 'offer' was 'more than fair' and if I don't like it to go see a lawyer.
I then called her and said that I thought we could perhaps be a bit fairer and to allow me a little more time than she suggested, and that the idea is that we don't involve lawyers unless it is an absolute last resort. I was calm and level headed throughout.
She was uninterested in compromising at all and said that if I don't like it it's tough luck and to get a lwyer then slammed the phone down on me.
A couple hours later I received a text message which 'offered' me to take our baby every Monday, weds, and fri, for 3 hours a time, and every alternate sat for 5 hours.
I actually think this is quite reasonable, certainly while he is so young. I mulled it over and decided to leave her for a couple of days, and on the Wednesday morning last week, I sent her a message saying I accept the hours she has offered me and could I take the baby tonight for 3 hours.
To my dismay, I received a text which said the following:
"Sorry [snuffy]. I have been to see a solicitor (lawyer), been advised not to have any contact with you until it is sorted. And you can't take the baby until its sorted."
I sent a reply straight away saying "We agree on the hours so I don't see the point in involving lawyers."
Needless to say, I had to go to a solicitor that afternoon, and informed him of the situation and the refusal to let me see my son. He has set the ball rolling and said he is arranging for mediation to try to agree on terms to see the baby. He will write to her to invite her to mediation.
He also highly doubted that any lawyer would have advised her to avoid contact with me and not let me see the baby. He said it would be unethical and totally against common practice, and said that lawyers encourage the client to AVOID court unless there is no hope at all of agreement.
I did agree with her, so it's quite bizarre that she is doing this. But on the other hand, I have come to expect erratic behaviour.
In any case, I am confident that I will get to see my baby soon and in one sense, I guess, it may actually help me avoid being 'controlled' and manipulated by her.
Still it is all a bizarre thing to do to me and I cannot understand her games.Just like she threatened on a few occasions, she is using the baby as a weapon to hurt and control me, and alienating me, as she holds all the power (at present).
But strangely, her forcing his issue through lawyers will stop her being able to manipulate me as it will be in the mediators hands when I can see the baby, not on her whim.
Yours exasperated and disillusioned.
Snuffy.
Sorry to hear that things didn't stay as happy as they were a few weeks ago bud, but if she is refusing to talk to you then she really didn't leave you a choice. I think she is starting to show her true colors and it is obvious that she isn't willing to discuss it rationally or maturely with you.
As tough as it is, speaking with the lawyer is probably the only way to go about things now, regardless of whether she was lying about being advised to avoid contact. That is her decision, so now its your turn to decide if you want to pursue legal action in order to see your son.
Good luck with what happens next, and keep us updated.
Take Care
I was hoping that everything would go smoothly for you. I'm so sorry that you've hit this snag.
Remember that having a baby is a very emotional thing for allot of women. Could be that she's suffering from Postpartum depression, or just lack of sleep.
Don't give up, do what you have to do, I can tell how much you love your son, and you have a right to be part of his life.
Good luck.
I've already instructed a lawyer to act.Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
He has written letter (which may have reached her by now.)
In the letter, the lawyer told me that first-of-all he will ask her what th ebig issue is and that his client (I) have agreed with her offer.
It will also highlight our parental responsibilities and the right of both parents to have a say and a part to play in baby's life; and that this is the baby's right.
LAstly he will ask her to attend mediation (with her own legal representative, if necessary; and with a family member) so that we can discuss these issues in front of a professional.
The good thing about our legal system in the Uk is that the courts are reluctant to accept cases of this nature unless it is satisfied that strenuous attempts have been made to agree, and failed.
Seeing as she offered me so many hours, and I agreed to them, it will be quite interesting, for me, to hear the reasons for her then witholding contact with my child without any good reason.
Like I say it is bizarre and very sad and has me totally bemused.
So, the legal machinations are already in progress. I hope this can be resolved and that I can rely on some sort of certainty and consistency.
Unfortunately for everybody involved, she just cannot manage to be reasonable and civil, and there is no reason at all why it should be this way. I haven't rubbed he rup the wrong way knowingly.
It is going to be case of pick up the child at the door, and nottalk to her.
Again it is sad, strange and bewildering.
I would pay a lot of money to find out exactly what her deal is from day one because it doesn't make sense, and if you think of one rationale or motive for her acting a certain way, then some of her other conduct rules it out and makes it all the more confusing.
Here's hoping for a speedy and amicable resolution.
Snuffy.
Sounds as if she is starting that whacky stuff again. Keep your cool but be proactive for your son.
You've carried yourself through this like a real man, so don't let her change that about you.
About that paternity test...
Sorry to hear about the problems, hope everything gets worked out without going to court
I am already registered as the baby's father. So regardless of whether I am the true father or not I am classed as the legal father. Don't get me wrong though, I don't simply want to be a father for the sake of it, it would be far easier for me if I were not right now. However I truly believe he is mine. What's more, she set the date to register his birth knowing the consequence of having me as the father on the certificate (that I automatically acquire parental responsibility.)Quote:
Originally Posted by ordinaryguy
This would be an odd move from her if she believed someone else may be the father. For what it's worth, looking at the child, and going on the date of conception it all leads to the suggestion that I am indeed the naural biological father anyway.
She knows that I have these strict legals rights (and duties) in relation to our baby, so witholding access (as she is now doing) cannot be justified by a belief that he may not be mine. Why not just tell me he may not be mine? She knows that she can't have my name down and expect maintenance payments without also having the corollary rights to see him.
I'm at a loss as to what her 'game' is but it is certainly confused, ill-thought out and chldish and could simply be down to her immaturity or even some impaired 'state of mind' like a lot of her other stuff seems to have been.
Strictly, in relation to the paternity; there is a good reason I did not bring it up (as a threat) before birth or straight after, and why I decided to register him as me being the father (apart from the fact I truly think he is mine.)
The issue for me was simple: It would be far easier for me to register him as the father and immediately acquire legal rights as a foundation to fight for any right to see him and be involved in his life; then to question the dna parentage later while I have already have the rights to see him (as I am the legal father) while any dna test is pending.
Conversely if I had said 'whoah wait a minute, I want a dna test before I put my name on the certificate' then I would have been faced with a far more desperate situation. Namely that I would be refused any access to the child, because I have no legal right to see him, all while this dna test is pending. And I know that a dna test can take up to 4 months to get if the mother delays proceedings. I would have run the risk of not seeing what could well be my son until he was 4 months old, which I would find far more devastating if that test comes back as positive and I am in fact the biological father.
I hope that makes sense. It does have its own logic. Whatever wa I chose to do it, it's not an easy situation. I happen to think that for me, this is the best way of doing things.
(Lastly apart from baby looking like me, and hardly at all like her, I remember two dates I slept with her. Fri 21st and Sat 22nd of September 2007, which were the only times that month. Exactly 38 weeks to the day, 13th June 2008 baby was born. And I do know that 38 weeks is the time it takes (from conception) for a baby to br born. Too much of a coincidence, as we went away for that weekend and were on our own, even if it is at least possible that she may have slept around in the fortnight before, or after that - which I cannot say for sure because that would be guessing.)
That is one lucky kid she brought into the world. She may be an absolute nut, but choosing you was a great choice to be a father of a child. My hats off to you, as your logic reveals your true heart.
The best interest of the child comes first, and that's exactly the way you have played it. Continued fortune.
What your ex has to realize (and I hope she does) is that she's so lucky that you are the father of her child. There are so many guys out there that father one child after another and could care less about that child. You deserve to be part of this child's life, the child will be better off because of it, she has to realize this. What she's doing now is only going to harm the child, and cost her money, and put a wall up between the two of you.
I hope that everything works out, fight the good fight. :)
OH! Congrats!! Cherish these moments... they're precious. :)
Thanks for the update! I really hope everything works out OK.. like Alty said.. she needs to realize that you are one in a million... hopefully she will realize this soon
From what I gathered, you mentioned 'baby blues' - does that mean post-partum depresssion?
You get along respectfully with her mom... how about her sister and is she around her to influence her? As the lawyer said, she did not get the 'dumb suggestions' from anyone with legal experience..
Another thought.. here in Germany when my daughter got divorced (her husband was german) and even though her son was not his, the court insisted that my grandson had his own legal representative - and they eventually did have to do a paternity test - but that was to prove that her husband was NOT the father. Is there a chance that this law applies in England? If so, then your son would be properly represented, no matter what mother's whims are at the time. Even though my grandson's mother had her own lawyer, the court insisted that the child had to have unbiased representation to ensure his future - all that was required from the father then was written acceptance of fatherhood of the child and promise of responsibilities. Maybe that law or something similar applies in England too - so I would check in on it.
At any rate, I hope that all works out and that you and your son have a chance to bond without interruption - which is very important in the early impressionable years.
Good luck dear
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_2_143.gif
Hi Chery, thanks for writing again..Quote:
Originally Posted by Chery
In England, once a person put shis name on a child's birth certificate, he automatically legally assumes 'parental responsibility.' No such declaration is necessary, it is statutory and compulsory. You cannot even abdicate those responsibilities unless you and mother both agree to put the child up for adoption, which is obviously not in the equation.
The simple fact is I am the father; I have duties but rights too, by law.
She is denying those rights without any legal reason.
So hopefully as soon as possible this will be resolved by the family mediation service, and/or the courts.
The whole thing is strictly unnecessary though, as I actually agreed to the hours she offered, and have kept the messages and calls that said I could have those hours.
All in all, it is clear that I am being denied the legal right to see my son, unlawfully, and it is designed to hurt me.
I'm sure her behavior is no surprise to you at all. Look forward to a life time of it. She will never change.
But do consider there are possible future medical considerations to take into account. An accurate biological record has to be kept. You don't want any surprises when he needs you the most.
[QUOTE=talaniman]I'm sure her behavior is no surprise to you at all. Look forward to a life time of it. She will never change.
But do consider there are possible future medical considerations to take into account. An accurate biological record has to be kept. You don't want any surprises when he needs you the most.[/QUOTE]
What do you mean, exactly?
God forbid an accident, and blood is needed, and you find out you can't be a donor, or a family medical history which is only accurate if you are the real father. Most people forget the importance of passing traits on to their children. A doctors decision on diagnosis, or treatment, will need facts such as family history to make an accurate call.
Not trying to diminish your role, or rain on your parade, as I believe what ever the outcome you will be there, but the best interest of the child can only be served by the truth and not blind faith.
Looking back at my state of mind in the archives of my old posts from last year just after I discovered she was pregnant.Quote:
Originally Posted by linds03
A lot of sheer hope and desperation that things would improve.
Sadly the case is that things are almost certainly irreparable. I'm unfortunately no wiser as to her motives, thoughts or reasons. It is as confused as ever.
A look at my most recent topic will show that I'm on the verge of possibly a legal battle just to see our son - again no apparent reason for this.
Please people. I know it may seem like it can't happen to you. Be ever so careful about having unprotected sex. TTry to ensure your relationships are in marriage or at least extremely secure.
Mine is an example of truly how bad things can get. What makes it even more tragic is that there isn't a history of violence, disagreement, or ANYTHING TO SUGGEST that things would be this abject.
A look at all my posts since then to the present day and even I am shocked, as there has been far more wicked and awful behaviour displayed towards me than I even remembered the last 9 months.
Anyhow just thought I would give 'linds03' the update she asked for back then.
Here is hoping that the situation with the son (not her) will improve for the better.
Love snuffy.
That's not a can of worms I will open immediately Talaniman, as it's not the most pressing issue. It's irrelevant for the moment, and a slighlty arguably spurious reason to request the DNA. Whatever way I put it it suggests a belief that she is lying and that I seriously doubt the paternity which I don't.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Bringing this up now will only put a spanner in the works of actually getting to see him. Let's solve this one first and have it in place. THEN, I can talk about DNA.
I was planning on doing this the sly way anyway to begin with. I know it is possible to get two blind samples and send them off and ask if they match. There is no need to state to the tester who the samples belong to. All it will reveal is a match or not. If the test comes back positive, I will know myself the truth and no need to openly question it and give her any reason to give me crap.
If such a test came back negativ ethen I could then 'suddenly' bring up the paternity with her. I would not have to explain that I had an unofficial test done to arose my suspicions; I could state her behaviour is giving me doubt.
But in the face of her hostility, if that were to happen, I could at least be quite safe in the knowledge that I will officially find out the kid isn't mine and her vitriol will then be wasted on me as I will no longer have to be around to take it.
I hope this makes so sort of sense.
Again, it is partly strategic, just like my decision to put my name on the certificate before doing anything else. It has the bigger picture in mind, and most definitely the child's best interests.
(Just to clarify - I have checked: There is nothing illegal about getting a hair sample to use and sending it as a blind test, since the test result is not legally binding and cannot be used for anything as no consent will have been granted, and of course the test is blind. Perhaps it may be an idea to send samples to two wholly separate companies. If I get two positive results, then this, along with the fact he looks like me, and the dates matching, will be enough to prove he is mine, and nobody needs to know that I questioned it.)
Wow, that's terrible that she isn't willing to be civil with you so that the both of you can have an amiable relationship with your son.
I didn't see this post when you first posted it but I think you were trying to do the correct thing by showing that you'd be responsible and were willing too settle down to become a family...
I really hope everything works out for the best! Hang in there you've done the right thing from the start. Im sure you've learned a valuable lesson along the way & can now share this wisdom with others.
*Best Wishes*
Just curious... has there been any type of paternity test done to determine the child is yours? Could this be a reason for her hostility?
[QUOTE=mimi03]Wow, that's terrible that she isn't willing to be civil with you so that the both of you can have an amiable relationship with your son.
I didn't see this post when you first posted it but I think you were trying to do the correct thing by showing that you'd be responsible and were willing too settle down to become a family...
I really hope everything works out for the best! Hang in there you've done the right thing from the start. Im sure you've learned a valuable lesson along the way & can now share this wisdom with others.
*Best Wishes*
Just curious...has there been any type of paternity test done to determine the child is yours? Could this be a reason for her hostility?[/QUOTE]
Sure, it's a valid thought... I have on many occasions thought about the paternity issue. The possibility that he may not be, or definitely is not mine would explain PERFECTLY her behaviour. (It wouldn't explain her willingness to invite me to the child's birh registration however, and to his birth for that matter.)
However, given that it is common knowledge that if a father puts his name on a birth certificate in the UK, he acquires parental responsibility. This means that a man automatically has a legal platform to assert and fight for rights to see a child, that you can ONLY have if you jointly and voluntarily register a birth. There is the issue of me paying for the child, which is fine. But every mother knows this because it is written clearly on the forms you get with birth certificate, it is common knowledge, and in any event, I told her myself. It would be a very odd move (and IS an odd move) for a woman to put me on the certificate and then successfully disallow me from seeing my baby. Let alone try to. (As she is doing.) For her pressing this issue into the direction of lawyers means that (1) it makes it certain I get my rights and takes away her power to select when I can and cannot see the child; and (2)it raises the possibility that the court may even demand a DNA tes themselves without me having to even mention it. They may decide to raise it as a consequence of her strange behaviour - even if I didn't want it to be raised.
Secondly, I know that I slept with her 21st and 22nd September 2007, and they were the only times in September. The baby was born exactly 38 weeks to the day that I slept with her - a Friday (13th June 08). If the baby is mine then these are the only possible dates I could be the father. These are the only dates that I slept with her for that month. I was alone with her away that entire weekend, we had a weekend break. Actual technical pregnancy takes exactly 38 weeks from conception to birth if you can pinpoint the dates (something I was unaware of until I researched it properly). So by the dates alone the child must be mine.
Thirdly, the child looks like me, though I accept that it could be co-incidence or he may just look like anybody. Too much of a coincidence though.
Fourthly, I can check DNA samples. I can get it checked if one of his samples of DN Afrom his hair matches my DNA profile. A tester does not need to know because it would be a blind test and it has no legal use, done that way. The advantage of that is that a positive result is all I would need to guarantee my knwoledge the baby is mine, and this way would mean his mother would never need to know. Conversesly a negative result and I would then question her, under the guise of her recent odd behavioru raising doubts that I did not clearly have on the day I voluntarily agreed to put my name on the birth certificate.
Lastly, in the absence of the possibility the child is not mine (ie that I got it declared by DNA that he is mine) then I can only muster the alternative explanation, crude as it is that she is simple 'crazy'as has been suggested by many on here, or..
That she was sleeping around but her sleeping around did not affect the paternity because he is mine but that she does not know herself, and is why she is messing about with me psychologically.
The time, and thought I have put into this over 9 months and with seeing him post-birth has been exhaustive and meticulously covered. She may simply not be aware of the fact that I know the child is mine. She may have doubts herself. Luckily I have a photographic memory and pay close attention to detail. She may have 'forgotten' which exact dates she slept with me. The good thing for me, is that I haven't. So I know, and I am sure.
This could be the problem, and I'm not risking her further indignation by me bringing up the DNA myself without having checked it covertly first.
So yes, on a deep pyschological level she may be unsure. The thing is, I am not unsure, though rest assured I will make doubly sure that I know myself, and that before I go demanding DNA tests I will await a negative blind sample first so my bases are covered.
It may surprise and amaze you the sheer level of thought and energy I have put into this.
But, I have a new, young life to think about and the way I go about things has to enable the smoothest possible way of doing things so that I can eventually maintain a regular contact with him and be the great father I promised myself to be.
The truth will out in good time. My intention is to avoid her abuse as much a possible so that there is no lingering trouble whatever the result of any DNA test would be.
I can only control my own behaviour and actions. It's not for me to worry about hers. If she is having troubles it is not my responsibility to help her. My sole responsibility is for the child whether he is mine or not (if he is not I will leave them to it) and neutralising her negative actions is the best course of action for me and all concerned.
Snuffy.
Yes, I can see that it would be a can of worms all right, but I'm glad to see you have at least thought about in in a realistic way.
Excuse me for being amused at your shrewdness to deal with this in an effort to stay in your sons life, as its not what I usually come across, quite the opposite actually, and again I commend you for actions so far.
VERY LATEST UPDATE:
We went to family mediation on Friday and guess what? It went as smoothly as possible.
Curiously, there were no other issues other than defining how much and how often I can see our baby son. And the agreement that I agreed to three weeks ago was revived exactly as before!!
The mediator expressly refused to entertain any discussion about being withheld contact for the interim period up until Friday, as I think she knew there was no legal or valid reason to refuse me contact; but of course I was willing to forgive it, in the interest of resuming contact as smoothly as possible and trying to maintain a good relationship with her vis a vis the baby.
At least we have both had our view heard in front of a professional, so of course there was no opportunity for getting angry. I wouldn't have gotten angry anyway: I just wanted to resume contact and have some clarity and consistency in dealings, and I think it came across.
I listened to all her fears and worries about being a new mother and the future issue of it being difficult for her to leave the baby out of her sight for an overnight stay. I nodded and showed courtesy for her views.
I suggested that the contact times are regularly reviewed and that contact is increased incrementally so we can work up to an overnight stay as soon as poss; and we go back in the end of August to increase my contact hours.
Fantastic.
Since Friday, yet another swing in her attitude and demeanour. She has been nice to me, happy, smiling, couteous etc etc. Can't bloody understand her but oh well, I guess I should enjoy the situation as it stands.
Craaaaaaaaazy behaviour overall again, and probably totally unnecessary for us to do things this way. (Well at least unnecessary on my part) But at least we now where we stand, and this mediation process benefits ME in particular if thing take a bad turn again.
Regards,
A happy Snuffy
Congrats again, your doing well, and just have to enjoy it when she has those good moods. Have you set up child support?
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