AS in most relationships there comes a point when things get comfortable and sometimes you get too comfortable - he often stated how he didn't care how I looked, he would always love me - so I didn't care either. From the time I got home until I went to bed I was in PJ's. Now, when I get home I change into my work out gear and go for a run. After that I put back on the clothes I had on from work and stay in them until bed time. I never realized how much neglecting your appearance puts you down personally and mentally.

I have never been one to accept or give compliments well - so I thank you for your acknowledgments with regards to my efforts. Admitting wrong doing & saying "I'm sorry" were also issues for me as well. Now I feel humbled by the whole situation. I just wish he were around to experience it or perhaps read what I have been posting here. I am trying my best to be rational and emotional at the same time - definitely a challenge

That's great! Its important to feel good about yourself and take the time to take care of yourself. A lot people just stop caring after a while which is often how peoples relationships hit big ruts.

You're welcome. Its very obvious from everything you are saying how hard you are working. You are walking uphill this whole way. Its clear how much you are willing to do to get this relationship to work and to do the right things. He will be around to see it if he's smart. You are still learning all of these things and everything will come more and more into focus as time goes on. Its great to get this stuff "fixed" now at your young age. I was friends with a woman who was 37 and she was a mess when it came to boundaries, rational thinking, admitting that she was wrong, taking accountabiity and a million other things. I knew her for two years and during that time she actually got progressively worse. She was dealing with some experimental therapy - which can be good but in her case it was a disaster. She got into that repressed memory stuff and began lashing out at her family. It was terrible to watch someone deconstruct like that further. It amazing that you found someone who is as helpful as your counselor obviously is because it can go pretty bad.

I just have to stay positive and continue NC till my personal deadline. I think once we approach the 30 days it might be easier for me to start preparing myself to tell him to " or get off the pot" - per say. But I honestly do believe that when he knows he will tell me - he has never given me any other reason to not believe him.

I feel good - but I will probably be back tomorrow, but hopefully in the same spirits as now.

I hope so too.

NC tends to allow you greater perspective. At 30 days things may look different.

He has asked me to send him an e-mail about my session today - promising?

Ideas?

Quote:

---

myself to tell him to " or get off the pot" - per say.

---

This would be good advice to you for now, as 30 days to wait for someone to tell you what they want from life is absurd and ridiculous. You need to make a decision and stick to it and since he is in limbo why should you be. Let this go. Get your own life that does not revolve around someone else's decision.

I was thinking about that last night - I am moving forward - but as I have written in a previous post, everything in life needs closure. Right now, I am not ready to tell him I am walking away - but I do feel that as time passes it will be something I will become comfortable with. The 30 days is for me to gain my composure and move on - I suppose what I am trying to convey is - by that time I will be ready to add closure.

Man how things change in a week

How is everything going farfrmnormal?

We went from not talking to talking again - but not hanging out. He contacted me first and we have been talking ever since. He suggested that we talk on a daily basis (or if I feel the need to call, to call him). We send text messages back and forth and just have playful conversation. He has asked that we wait and see where things go and work on our individual counseling (He has his first appointment this Friday - he finally admitted fault in the relationship and with his lack of ability to resolve his frustrations himself). I have pushed the boundaries a couple times saying that I am walking away - both times he has asked me to work with him and wait till he goes to a couple sessions. He just hates how everyone thinks he doesn't care - because he does. He says "This is the only way I know how to deal with things right now - I'm sorry". So that's where we are right now. Work has been stressing me out and he has been wonderful in letting me vent to him.

How do I curb the urge to call?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by farfrmnormal

How do I curb the urge to call?

---

Hi,

I am also going through a breakup. The best way to fight the urge for me is to do as allot of people here have said act like he doesn't exist. Yea its hard me and my ex have been on NC for almost 2 months now. It does get easier when you become less emotional you will realize that it wasn't as good as you think now. I am not saying it wasn't great just saying being emotional will cloud your judgement. My ex was my everything but she shouldn't have been. In other words there has to be balance. I also went to a therapist I recently lost 3 people in my life My brother my best friend and my cat. What my therapist said to me was when you breakup its like there has been a death so for me that's 4 deaths in a years time. Its harder when you lose someone in a relationship situation because there is no closure. You will over analyze everything they say trying to find a glimmer of hope. Best thing to do is to force feed yourself to be busy. I can't say I am always into whateva I am doing but the point for me is to be active push myself to be active the clouds will start to clear out and the sun will shine :>)
Remember that you are #1 not him and not you 2 as a couple You are #1 be a little selfish go buy those shoes you wanted or whatever else it is you can do to treat yourself. It helped me allot. Be careful right now you are very vulnerable. GOOD LUCK!

Since mentioning he wanted some time to think, he has never said its over.

He has chosen to go to therapy for himself – but also so that we can be better together. This is where our circumstances are different – its not a break up. He is contacting me, but not like he used to. So when he doesn't this is when I get the urge to call and my mind races with negative thoughts. I just want to know how to curb those – that's all.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by farfrmnormal

Since mentioning he wanted some time to think, he has never said its over.

He has chosen to go to therapy for himself – but also so that we can be better together. This is where our circumstances are different – its not a break up. He is contacting me, but not like he used to. So when he doesn’t this is when I get the urge to call and my mind races with negative thoughts. I just want to know how to curb those – that’s all.

---

The only thing I can tell you is stay busy. That's the best way and also Balance your life. If you are getting the urge to call him and having negative thoughts sounds like you are not busy enough. I could be wrong just my opinion :>)

I know I'm not busy enough – but the kicker is, its when I am at work. After work I have no problem avoiding the phone and not calling. Work is killing me – I find I am spacing my work out so I have things to do all day. But it looks bad because when people walk by (It always seems to be at the wrong time) I am stretching or looking off into space. LOL man – I need a new job. BUT if I get a new job I would have to move at least 2 hrs away to find one. That's another debate on my mind – do I move and leave this all behind? Balls!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by farfrmnormal

I know I’m not busy enough – but the kicker is, its when I am at work. After work I have no problem avoiding the phone and not calling. Work is killing me – I find I am spacing my work out so I have things to do all day. But it looks bad because when people walk by (It always seems to be at the wrong time) I am stretching or looking off into space. LOL man – I need a new job. BUT if I get a new job I would have to move at least 2 hrs away to find one. That’s another debate on my mind – do I move and leave this all behind? Balls!

---

Well I work behind a desk also when me and my ex broke up and even now work is definitley the hardest time for me because we talked while we were both at work text, calls, etc.. I can definitley relate. You may want to write things down that you are feeling that helped me. Also what do you do during lunch? I started going to lunch with co - workers and that helped me also.

That is the hardest part. Its easy to space out at work and let your mind drift to negative thoughts and have the desire to contact him severely increase. Stupid job.

Well what you need to do is think about what's best for you (in regards to the job situation) and expect the relationship to follow. There is nothing wrong with seeking personal satisfaction and 2 hours away is not that far. My last boyfriend lived about 1.5 hours away we still found time to see each other one night a week then on weekends. Maybe considering the situation it might be good to get some actually physical space it might allow both of you to work towards your personal goals. But that decision is up to you - not one I would presume to press upon you.

As for those nasty negative thoughts maybe every time one pops up tell it "NO!" then think of something positive. Set a boundary for yourself that there is to be no contact while at work. Work is work time and personal time is personal time and consider there to be a moratorium on personal calls during the day.

I go home for lunch. There are few days a week where people actually get together and go for lunch. This place is very “clicky” where those who have worked here for a while seem to gravitate to one another. On my first day, no one asked me if I wanted to eat lunch with them. Ever since then I go home – there are a few of us that go out occasionally, but not all the time.

What's difficult for me is, my ex was always the one to call me and sometimes it REALLY bothered me the amount that he called. But now that he is not calling, I miss it.

The negative thoughts surround us - and I have been pretty good lately. Today for example - I have not sent any text messages, nor have I had the urge to call him. I want to trust that he will be in contact with me and that's all I can do.

But things are looking up since our last discussion - that's all can hope for.

We decided on our own personal deadlines and we aren't going to tell one another - less pressure on one another. I feel that my timeline is fair to both of us - will also give him time to have more sessions with his counselor

<That's another debate on my mind – do I move and leave this all behind? Balls!>

Why not do that, get a new job, if you don't like the one you have why stay in it.

Make your own hapiness.

<Since mentioning he wanted some time to think, he has never said its over.

>
What is he thinking about really?

Are you thinking about you want as well? I hope so.
Do you really want someone like this who can leave a relationship to 'think'?

Would a proper break not be the best at this ppoint so that you can get on with your life ?
Waiting in limbo while he thinks does not seem like a good place to be.

I sometimes don't know what to post here – simply because I feel like no matter what I say/do here the only answer that seems to make sense to most is to walk away.

I will admit there is a small amount of hope that he will figure things out and we will be able to start over in our relationship (I say start over because the old relationship is dead – and I don't want that back). But I wouldn't say he is necessarily using this time to strictly “think” about us. He has admitted his faults and realized that it may take a professional to help him through his issues. I can say things over and over again – but from the posts that I have been reading here it seems as though most who post on here believe that once a relationship has been ended or put into “break” phase there is no going back – it may not be the case, but that is the impression I am getting. I believe there are certain situations in which you should fight for what you believe in and where your heart is guiding you & others you should just let go. The hard part is determining which decision is right for your situation. Too many people give up in relationships now days and I believe that the divorce rate is the direct result of people not trying to improve their relationships with others – not just intimate but personal relationships as well. Yes, there are obvious situations where you should not try (abusive relationships, multiple occasions of being cheated on and those who have tried all avenues to reconcile their differences). If both parties are making an effort to improve their personal being, why can't there be reconciliation in their future?

Right now I struggle with knowing which path I should take – I don't want to force him into a decision, but at the same time this cannot go on forever – he has acknowledged this, but why is he not applying it?

Is me setting a personal boundary of 2 weeks time (It would be 2 months since our break began) forcing him? (personal boundary in that I would not tell him I had set this boundary & suggest closer to the date that he and I discuss things) I must mention that in previous discussions he agreed that letting this go on for more then two months is ridiculous.

I am thinking about what I want – and almost two months into this break my feelings for him have not changed – I am still in love with him. If I knew what he was thinking about I would be one step ahead of him and wouldn't be where I am now. I would be comfortable not hearing from him when he said he would call – because I would know why he did not.

A proper break? Yes it would, but honestly – I am this far in, what is two more weeks?

I honestly don't think I could take a job away from my family right now. They are my crutch and moving to avoid things would only make things worse with regards to my emotional stand point.

Hi I understand your feelings and your thoughts completely. It does seem to be no optimist on this site sometimes but that is actually not the case. I realized I was looking for people to tell me there was a chance we could get back together. Which there always is a CHANCE. But you can't focus on that you have to focus on you and you ONLY. Me and my EX have been NC for almost 2 months now. I usually go through it on mondays cause it's a new week and it seems to always remind me that we haven't been talking. What I try to focus on is the good times but also on the things that bothered me the things that made me sad in the relationship and realize that if they don't come back they are doing you a HUGE favor. Would you rather go through pain now and be better later or would you rather get back with that person and feel empty or feel like something is missing? I recently realized that the reason I was feeling like it has been SOOO long is because I am not in control. I am not the only pushing the buttons she is. Which makes me very anxious. My ex was not the greatest but what a friend of mine helped me realize is that she inspired me to make myself better to focus on me. I have had break ups before but this time I actually have been doing the things I said I would which is work out focus on my career my daughter. I have always done those things but now I realized maybe she was in the way? Maybe I didn't realize how much more I could have done if I wasn't so focused on me and her being together forever :>) HOpe this helps!

Thanks for your response – I am not asking people to tell me there is a chance, because as with anything there is a chance. All I am saying is, sometimes people give up too easily. There comes a point when each individual will act in their own ways to achieve the results they hope for – sometimes, they don't get the results they want and they become discouraged. If I were told today by him that he didn't feel things were going to work out, I would accept it and move on. I can accept that what we HAD is gone and I can accept losing some control of the situation. I cannot change him or his actions – ever, but what I can change is me. I am in the process of doing this – change is inevitable and constantly occurring, hence people falling out of love – things changed.

You know, 1.5 months into this I sit back and I think about all of the things that I could possibly see as reasons for not wanting to be with him – of course there were little quirks he had like not wanting to try new foods, or picking the onions out of every food he ate and how he remembered everything from when he was a little kid – but to be honest he was perfect. The only thing that makes me feel odd is his current behaviour and how he has removed his heart from his sleeve (I am suspecting he is doing this to heal himself and not leave himself vulnerable). Many ask me if my feelings for him have swayed at all – no, they have not – mostly because he was so good to me and I was the one who was blind in my behaviours (yes now 1.5 months in I realize he has some deep childhood issues that need to be resolved – he now see's them too, but only since the breakup).

I just think that people need to try harder, accept responsibility, make change if necessary and be optimistic that you will in fact be happy – and it could be happy with your ex. We cannot predict the future.

Hold on if you feel its right, but know when to let go.

Aww I read the whole of this, I have been with my girlfriend now for 2 years and I really am going through insecurities, I try to be the best I can I ALWAYS tell her I love her, I ALWAYS treat her with love and always say how beautiful she is. Take a look at my topic "relationship uncertainties" and see what you think.

No more limbo - we have ended things, for now. I can't tell you what the future holds - we may, or may not be able to work things out in the future. But now I live for me.

Life changes have caused him to be unsure about what he wants in life - I can't be with someone who is that unsure. I hope he finds his niche and is one day able to make himself happy.

Its unfortunate that he has been a "people pleaser" his entire life. If only he had done things for himself first and others second we may not be where we are today. But, I can't change the past - I can only work on my future.

Now the difficult task of NC - I broke it yesterday, but with the support of my family I know that anything but NC on my part can do damage to what may come in my future.

I am going to listen to the laws of the universe and laws of attraction.

Any insight?

Hi Farfromnormal.

I'm happy you are no longer in limbo,

NC is hard, but as the months past it gets better.. you will have a lot of ups and downs along your healing journey, the anniversaries of events are the hard part.

A year has passed for me since I first posted here and I set myself free from that limbo situation.
Ive healed and I've began dating again and I'm having fun.

Time will help you,
Come here and vent and we can help you
Xxx

Someone came to me the other day and said this “For every year you were together you will have one month of pain in the healing process”. Looks like I have 4 months of healing ahead of me. I am not going to limit it to 4 months – I will know when I feel right.

Yeap u will.

Hang in there , first months are so tough.

I really hope you find some peace doll. Just take it as you aways do one day at a time. I have faith that you will be fine and that things for you will be great.

In my eyes, if he is really serious about your relationship, if he really always loves you, he should understand you well as you guys have been together for 4 years, like you eager for marriage after long-term relationship, you eager for family……he is ready or not for marriage is not the point, not the reason. For man, if they do not want marriage or they do not want to marry you at all, they will NEVER be ready for marriage, and “Im not ready for marriage” will always become their excuse! Now you are 25, you are still young, but not that young! How many four years do you still have for one man? If he does not like what you want, he does not want what you want. Then get over him! He is not suitable for your life unless you are willing to follow up his timeline or you are just wasting your time!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by marvito

aww i read the whole of this, i have been with my girlfriend now for 2 years and i really am going through insecurities, i try to be the best i can i ALWAYS tell her i love her, i ALWAYS treat her with love and always say how beautiful she is. take a look at my topic "relationship uncertainties" and see what you think.

---

Marvito;

I had the same and believe me once she latches on to your innsecurity she will not feel the same.

I've just been here.

You don't need to tell her you love her all the time. I did that too. It smothers then.

She knows you think this. You have to sit back a little and see if she feels like this with you, or else there will be a major imbalance and you will be the one crying your eyes out; like I was.


Remember to keep a balance in your mind and don't make your girlfriend your everything.
She is a great 'part' of your life and nothing more.

Once you put her on that pedestal it is a long and sobering journey to get her all over you again.

AND it is a quick and very sudden bang back down to earth.

people need to learn the meaning of love and commitment, longevity, sticking together when IT'S NOT EASY, loving someone through the other's pain, forgiveness... men are so ^&%#^*( weak nowadays. It's not another woman though, I can tell so don't worry about that.

This post was a while back. I would be interested in what has come to fruition!