I hope so too.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
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I hope so too.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
NO! Don't ask her anything about whether she is seeing someone new or not. This will only keep feeding her more confidence in thinking she has made the right decision for leaving you.
You know why? Because it shows that, “Man, even with dumping my ex, he is always going to be around…this feels good to know that he will love me, obsess over me, and just be here IN CASE”.
And don't get all angry for this. She is not doing this consciously. It's not a conspiracy against you. She is not planning out anything to hurt you - even if she is dating someone...
If you meet her and you're cool, indifferent, a positive person, and hehehe…if you're in a “rush to be getting somewhere”…you will suddenly be ten times more attractive. So make plans the day you are to meet for the cell-phone thing.
People are ONLY attracted to fun, positive and secure people. No one likes love-sick pathetic babies. You have to show you're strong. This doesn't mean you are to brush her off or be rude (because this shows you're immature and you are so hurt by her leaving that you can't even communicate properly). The key is to just be NORMAL, and to just be indifferent, and to just go on with your life. This will confuse her... because ex's are only trained to have the ones they dumped acting either OVERLY LOVING or OVERLY ANGRY. It will worry and confuse her a bit to see that you are neither one of those.
Don't be rude to her and go “k let's get this crap done with because I need to jet”. Just sort of slip it in that you have to be somewhere, and keep looking at the time. Also be nice to her and say “take care” when you part. Don't say this in an overly emotional way or anything like that because those things HAVE NOT WORKED! They surely won't work if she is with someone new either.
She KNOWS you love her, so don't keep telling her or showing her…this doesn't work! You have to be strong and stick with no contact, no "giving your love away for free", etc. You have to work on you like crazy. I promise it will at least give her something to think about.
NO CONTACT is your best bet. Sooner or later her and that guy are going to go through a rough patch – and that's when she'll come running back. And if she doesn't, I'm sure you're going to end up with something even better – something your mind couldn't even think up. So please, just work on you (the gym, your money, your career, your education, your way of thinking, etc) so that whenever the "time" is right, you will be presenting the BEST YOU there is for that special girl (maybe it will be her).
I think she can take you off her phone plan, tell you she dating someone else, so leave her alone, and you will still be saying"I think she is lying, I think she is just telling me this to get me to leave her alone"
You just don't get it. Leave the woman alone.
Homegirl is right... nothing besides IGNORANCE will put your mind at ease. Knowing she is with another man or getting off the phone plan, or even just bursting and telling her you love her - NONE of these things help. So please, don't call her... don't talk to her brother about her, don't look on her Facebook... these things will give you wrinkles and make your hair fall out. It won't be easy to do NO CONTACT, but with more and more practice, I swear you will get better at it. Again - it will not be easy, so you will have some pretty rough days.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
The only bet you have in terms of getting her back one day AND being healthy again, is to just cut her loose and to keep moving forward. There is NOWHERE to go besides FORWARD in life. You can't stay stuck in past memories of her... this will prevent from you growing as a human being... and then it will make you look more insecure or weak it if she ever comes around again.
OK everyone, I have read all your posts and I agree with most of the advice you have given me. But as this is my first time, it has been rough and I have not followed everything you have suggested. I met her today and we did the cell phone thing and I asked her to talk and she was fine with it. I just asked her to be honest with me and if she was wanting this space to see if we were really right for each other and to think about everything or if she wanted to be with other people. She told me that she is not looking to start a relationship with anyone and is just hanging out with people from work, which includes a guy she has been talking to. She assured me that she was not looking for anything with this guy in the form of a relationship and was just hangin out and enjoyed his company. Well I could tell from the look on her face, crying and tears in her eyes that she meant it and she really still loved me and cares about me. I really feel that this time apart will make us stronger if we are meant to be together. From here on out we will talk here and there, she said that she will call me and still does think of me and is taking time to think about what she wants in the future and about us. So from here on out there is nothing I can do but take it slow, talk to her when she calls and see if we are really meant to be. I will be living my life, going out with friends and just doing things I like to do trying to make myself a better person for me and hopefully for both of us in the future. I know you all probably will rip me for talking to her in depth about everything but it was hard and I felt I had to. I feel a lot better, I may just be delaying more pain down the road but I am an optimist and feel that she is the one I want and she will realize that we are right. Anyway, I will be on with more updates as they happen.
No one will rip you, because I for one would love to be wrong and she comes back, but more likely you will be confused into the friendzone, darn that first one is so hard to deal with.
Thanks talaniman, I just have a feeling that things will work out with us. I am not really thinking about it right now, just taking it day by day and not pushing anything. I am going to try to let things happen naturally, kind of like when we first met. I am just glad she doesn't want to keep me out of her life and shut me out. I hope it works out but in the end if it doesn't I think I will have learned something from all of this and all of you.
I hope it all works out. Don't forget to work on you in the mean time. This would be a great opportunity to pick up a new hobby. Please, o please, o please, give the woman her space. Let her come to you. Let her initiate the contact... things are in a very fragile state right now. She is "sowing her royal oats" and utilizing her youth. Especially being she said she wants you to take it slow... this is girl talk for let her come to you (the last thing you want to do is appear overbearing)... and don't pine for her until she does. Good luck and keep us posted.
Thanks star, I definitely don't want to mess anything up with her preventing us from getting back together again. She is very stressed now with school and the whole situation that I don't want to be pushy and push her away. I am glad that she hasn't shut me out and wants to remain in contact. We will take it slow, see what happens from here with a hopeful outcome for both of us. She even said she may want to go out this weekend or do something , so I will see what she says about it and not try to push anything on her. I know all of these things break the NC rule but I am sorry, its hard and I don't think it's the proper approach with her. Lets just hope I am right.
It isn't a no contact rule... it is a let her come to you rule. She can't miss you and long for you if you are always around... If she wants to go out WITH YOU this weekend... she will call you. If she doesn't and she is getting cold feet... then she won't. Give her the space to have cold feet. She is trying to figure out what she wants in life... including if she wants you. Give her the space to think. That is why many recommend letting her come to you.
OK so lets say we do go out in the near future, this weekend or next. We go to dinner or something, at that time should I just act normal like we are friends or try to be romantic and make it nice, which is one of the reasons she is taking this break. I was never one to be really romantic and I know that was one of the problems. How should I act? I know its too soon to really come on strong, but something simple that would show her how much I have changed and how much she means to me? I know that there is a concert coming to town in 2 weeks that she would like to see, if we were together I would probably try to get tickets, but since we aren't at the moment, would that be too much? And be a waste of money? This is all hypothetical at this point, just getting an idea what you guys think.
I would take it very slow... be yourself. Don't "act" in any way. Treat it as two friends going out to have a good time. If she wants more let her make that move. This is a very delicate game that has been dealt to you. Proceed with caution... or you will lose everything. As for the concert maybe hint at it to test the waters, that would be all I would do... don't expect a whole lot out of this...
Work the friends path... it will come off as non threatening and will not make her want to run... also, women will be more candid to a "friend" than a "boyfriend". Also, the friend approach is giving her the space she wants. When and if she wants it to be more, she will let you know. However, I wouldn't act cold towards her. Stop with the trying to show her I changed... this will surely make her scatter... You seem like a very intense fellow. You would make me a little skittish too. Turn the flame down or you'll blind her.
Thanks for the advice, I definitely don't want to come on strong and pushy. If we just go out and have fun, hopefully she will realize all the good times we had and what we can have in the future. Well ill be back on through out the week if anything else goes on or any new details. I am actually a really easy going person that is not intense about anything, maybe I come across like that here because I am trying to get back my love so badly.
That sounds like a great plan. Cut loose and have fun. Just enjoy her company, just as you would a guy friend (minus body noises of course) :D
I think you are still trying to worm your way back into her life after she has asked you not to. If it were me, I'd be angry enough to tell you to get lost. I think she is trying to be nice to make it a little easier on you, but she goig to need to flat out tell you to get lost, that may be the only way you'll get the message.
I mean you're getiing on my nerves and I'm not her. You need to get a clue.
Your plotting your next move, and she hasn't called. Interesting. I also wonder how much you've changed in a week. That's also interesting.
OK just for clarification , she hasn't told me to get lost. She has told me she still wants me in her life but she is confused right now about what she wants in the future. I am not trying to make up her mind for her, just let her know how I feel and that there is no reason that we can't work. She has called me and I have called her, its not like I am bugging her all day to talk to her. I think everyone is under the impression that she said hey I don't want you anymore, get lost. This is not true, we are just not together right now and may be in the future, we may not. I am just thinking ahead so if the time comes, I don't ruin it and waste a chance. I love this girl and she knows it and I know she still loves me, she just needs to find her way. I am not trying to interfere so much but just be in her life so she knows what she's missing. I am not a creep nor stalking her, I have given her space and will continue to do so. I can't force her to see me or talk to me, she has done so willingly.
Hey now I think your doing OK with this BUT if she is making contact willingly you should take it as "face value". Stop thinking ahead, take this day by day. If you continue the planning ahead you will eventually want more and then more... until you ruin that final chance that you may have had. Be cool, walk into any outing together as two friends and let her make the moves from there... above all else go into it with NO expectations other than to have FUN together :)
Well said... thanks
I read your story and felt compelled to write since it sounds almost exactley like what I'm going through. My girlfriend and I went on a "break" 2months ago and we officially ended it 2 1/2 weeks ago. Since the official breakup I went into NC. And I tell you, man, you're NOT alone. It is unbelievable how difficult this can be. I too have very few friends who are not tied down and made the same mistake of dedicating too much to her. We were together for 8.5yrs and lived together so trust me, I know the meaning of loneliness. I'm still going through the BS. But believe me, listen to everyone on this board. You CAN'T force it. I realized that 2 1/2 weeks ago. I wanted to marry this girl, but you can't force someone to love you the way you love them. Be thankful that you're still young (I just turned 30, and I consider myself still young) and the pain you're feeling will NOT last forever. This is what I keep telling myself (out loud sometimes). And I understand your fear of the future... I was/am terrified too. Everything will work itself out. I'm not sure how much help I could be since I'm right in the thick of things too, but feel free to contact me if u just need someone to talk to.
I'm going to post a separate topic because I need advice on how to handle the house we own together (and this is a difficult thing to handle while in NC).
Thanks for posting and reading my situation. I am sorry that things didn't work out for you and your situation. I hope that my situation works out for the best, I am just starting to realize that it will take time and some space. So I am just hoping for the best, and I know if we do work out , I know it is real.Quote:
Originally Posted by FP1977
Hey everyone, I was just looking online for nice places to go out to dinner, whenever the opportunity comes up... hopefully this weekend or next or whatever. I found a really nice place on the beach that turns into a sort of night club at night and a bar. Do you think a place like this would be a good idea? Somewhere where we can eat and not have to go anywhere else to have more fun, just kick back and listen to music, drink, dance and show her that hey you know what we can have fun together like we use to. I know I am thinking ahead again, but she has always pointed out to me that I never really plan things out and then when the time comes I don't really know what to do. This usually turns out bad for me because she would get mad or whatever. I just want to take some initiative and have a plan unlike many times in the past. I also want to show her I can cut loose and not be so uptight about dancing or going out, sometimes I come across like that in the past. Well just thinking outloud here, I know I am getting my hopes up but I can't help it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
You know what would stand out so much more than you trying to pick a place to eat? Showing a physical difference in your appearance AKA looking healthier.
And showing mental maturity.
Another thing that would stand out is having some new and exciting stories to tell her – what new things have you been up to? Anything?
Those things are going to make you more attractive.
Don't lose sight of the big picture through your insecurities and desperate attempts at winning her back. And the things I mentioned, they are truly money in the bank because they do/will improve you as a person (learning new things, being in better physical shape, saving money, having a life plan, etc).
Have balance. Have lots of balance. Don't let your emotions make all the decisions here. Be smart. This disease called "gotta get my ex back" often clouds our judgment into thinking we are taking the right steps, when we often are not. This is why most people do not end up getting back together with their ex.
Thanks for the advice, definitely will take that into account.
I would suggest going some place like you mentioned... nothing intimate... stay with a place where lots of other people are... that way she won't think that you are trying to pressure her. Also, I would heed sad soul's previous advice. Very good words of wisdom... especially the part about what have you been doing lately. If the conversation lulls, you are a dead duck sitting because you haven't been up too much lately except obsessing about her. I suggest you get a hobby and quick.
Thanks star, I will make sure I have things to talk about, its never been hard with her anwyays, we can always talk about whatver but I definitely don't want to bore her
OK guys... so lets say the week progresses and we don't really talk about anything, do I mention if she wants to do something sometime this weekend or next? Just ask and be cool no matter what the answer is? I am not sure if she will bring it up on her own since well I am the one that will be making the plans. I just want her to know I want to go out with her and have a good time. I don't know if its too soon or being too pushy but I am just wondering. I want her to know I am taking the initiative to plan something, because when we were together I didn't plan a lot of things and I know that sometimes bothered her. She kind of wanted me to take charge but sometimes I didn't and always asked her what she wanted to do. I just felt like it was nice to ask what she wanted to do or where to go ,because I honestly didn't care where we went as long as I was with her. I know this is something I need to improve and stop because she didn't like it. I'm also afraid if I don't say anything then she will just make plans with her friends, maybe waiting for me to say something. I know SHE is the one that wanted space and to be apart but I kind of feel that if I don't at least casually bring it up then maybe she won't remember or think about it.
No you do not. If she does not contact you, don't contact her. She asked for space remember.
You NEver mention anything and you never call if she wants you back she will contact you . NOTHING will keep her away if she wants you back wshe will try her best...
Don't contact her under any circumstances if she contacts you fine if not MOVE ON
HArd as it may be
Yeah well it definitely is hard. We have been talking here and there but sometimes I would just text her to see how the studying is going because I know she gets stressed out and overwhelmed sometimes. I just want to help and calm her down which I always did in the past. Sometimes she would tell me to call her in the morning, which I use to do all the time before I go to work. I am feeling weird today because its like when I talk to her I feel like how we use to be, together. Its seems like she is happy to talk to me and are having pretty good conversations. She will be busy again the next few days studying for tests so I don't really expect her to call me much. I just feel I have to keep the lines of communication open so that she knows I am there for her and want to help. I know this is not helping me move on but I don't think I am ready to do so yet. After this week of hard tests I just want to take her out and have a good time. I don't know if she would ask me to go out with her, but I feel like I should just bring it up to see what she says. I know it goes against all of your advice and NC but its hard and I just have a gut feeling about it. I am not getting over her anytime soon so I figure I might as well try to make things work and show her that I know what I did wrong and that I am that person she fell in love with.
What I am really trying to say is that honestly, these past 2 weeks have made me think a way I never have before. About myself, and about our relationship. I know that I shouldn't hold anything in and always just show how I feel, which sometimes I didn't. Do you think that I can, not change her mind, but show her that I honestly made an effort to change and to realize that life is too short to hold back feelings and emotions. I just want to show her I love her everyday to the fullest. That is really all I want, that chance and I think it would make her realize I am right for her.
You know this is not about how you feel. She asked you to give her space, you don't seem to get that. You need to stop calling her for any reason and stop obsessing. The more you keep calling her, no matter how cheerful she may sound on the phone, you are showing her that you are just not capable of doing what she asked you to do.
So I am supposed to just give up, let her go and regret it for the rest of my life? I don't know but I would rather know I tried then just let her go. I know its selfish on my part but its hard to accept. I just want to be with her badly, because I truly am in love with her. I just want to work things out and become stronger from this low point.
You are supposed to do what she asked you to do. Give her some space. You're not doing that. She's telling you what she wants and you're saying "but I don't want to do that"
It does not matter how much you love her, you are not going to get on her good side or change her mind by bugging her. If she does not want to be with you, that is her choice. You need to respect that. If she made a mistake, it was her mistake, but her choice.
Ive been in your exact position before and I can tell you from experience, the longer you hold on the worse it gets. As hard as it is to do, you probably need to just start focusing on yourself and start the healing process. I know how hard it is to resist sending one text message or making one quick phone call but it really isn't helping you.
The healing process is going to take a long time, and you will look back and be glad you started in now rather than in 6 months. You will not 'regret' it for the rest of your life, it only feels that way now.
If you are anything like I was though when I went through this the first time, you will ignore all the good advice and go down in flames, but it might teach you something for next time!
Whether you like a decision someone makes or not is irrelevant, especially if that decision is in regards to their life. What is wrong with people that they can't accept the fact that not everyone thinks they are special or is enamored with them. You are not always going to have your way or have what you want. You can't make a person want you if they don't. Deal with it.
Well then she is confusing me then because she wants space but still wants to hear from me and be in touch. I am thinking that if she didn't care about me at all and wanted someone else , she would have asked me to stay out of her life and not to see her or talk to her right? Space is one thing, which I think I have given, I am not bugging her everyday or asking to see her. She is doing what she needs to do and I am not interfering, at least I don't think so and she hasn't said anything. So I should just take things slower? And go at her pace until or when she says something? I just keep feeling the longer I go w/out talking to her, she gets closer to being with someone else and getting use to not having me around or in her life at all. I guess I am still in denial and shock , I don't know when I will be over this. Its like I know what she wants and wanted from me, and I didn't always give it to her, but now more than ever I just want to show her that I am that guy she loved so much and wanted to be with. I still don't think it is too late, but if I do nothing, I think it might be.
In my situation, she kept me around and we hung out every now and then but we weren't dating. She wanted me to phone her when I could etc. But she used that as a way to ween herself off me. She answered less, she cancelled plans. She met someone new and guess who stopped answering their phone?
Im not saying everyone is the same, but if she wanted to be with you she would be with you right now. You should stop worry about what will happen to her if you stop talking, and focus more on what will happen with you (ie you might start growing as an individual and healing).
In your situation - I might be inclined to removed myself - yes, you are changing. Yes, you want her to see this - but, by not having you around she may realize sooner what she wants then if you were around. I say this because she has not even considered a compromise or working on the issues.
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