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Originally Posted by vivia12

You must be going through somewhat similar situation or how else would you just pinpoint it this way? Now he's finding silly reason to contact me and looks like he wants to restart the game, where i'm the one that alsways loses. If you dont mind me asking ,did your ex string you along also?my thing is he seemed more sincere in his interactions with me before he left and got involved with someone now i feel like its an attention game,my question even if its silly and doesnt matter,is he only treatin gme in this manner while he probably treats his gf like a princess? i was nothing but a good friend to him at the beginning when he was going thru crisis, its like ok i'm done, now i'm better than you.
someone told me no once they,dumpers are dishonest they are like that with everyone. Just want your opinion on this? Thanx

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It may be dishonesty, and he sounds like he is unfairly flaunting his new girlfriend at you. Although I think in a lot of situations, dumpers do not realise they are hurting the dumpee with the wishes of friendship. They do it to ease their guilt, often without realising they are doing it and also without realising how much hurt and false hope they are causing the dumpee.

My experience was very similar to yours. Though my ex did not flaunt any new boyfriend at me. We broke up Feb 97, she ran the "i'd like to stay friends" line. I was not sure but felt guilty about saying no, as she had a few problems that only I really knew about. I initially gave her a bit of space, 6 ish weeks, and we then met again. The spark seemed still there.

She then told me she had met someone else and was sorry for hurting me. I said being in touch wouldn't work, she agreed. She then got back in touch no more than 5 weeks later (obviously when her new thing didn't work).

We met "as friends" but lapsed into doing coupley things, though no relationship i.e. a surrogate! After a couple of months of this all the signs pointed to us trying again, she said no, but, bizarrely, agreed we were very good together. At one point she wanted to get our holiday snaps out!

I decided then (last August) that NC was the only choice. I have stuck to it. She has not contacted me either.

So yes, in many respects, very similar.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vivia12

You must be going through somewhat similar situation or how else would you just pinpoint it this way? Now he's finding silly reason to contact me and looks like he wants to restart the game, where i'm the one that alsways loses. If you dont mind me asking ,did your ex string you along also?my thing is he seemed more sincere in his interactions with me before he left and got involved with someone now i feel like its an attention game,my question even if its silly and doesnt matter,is he only treatin gme in this manner while he probably treats his gf like a princess? i was nothing but a good friend to him at the beginning when he was going thru crisis, its like ok i'm done, now i'm better than you.
someone told me no once they,dumpers are dishonest they are like that with everyone. Just want your opinion on this? Thanx

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Sorry, that should have said Feb 2007, not 1997. It has not been that long!!

My ex has just added me on Facebook, despite her admitting herself I can't be friends it's a bit of a dilemma

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

My ex has just added me on facebook, despite her admitting herself i can't be friends its a bit of a dilemma

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It is a fishing exercise, guaranteed. Do not respond immediately. Remember how far you have come.

Fishing for what? I haven't responded so far I at least think id sleep on it tonight at the very least

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

fishing for what? i havent responded so far i at least think id sleep on it tonight at the very least

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To reassure herself that you are still there and available if she wants you to be. It is less risky than asking direct and having the potential rejection!

So what do you suggest?

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

so what do you suggest?

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Do exactly as you said, sleep on it.

Oh I'm not making a snap decision, just parculiar after she admitted we can't be friends... is she just wanting to know what I'm up to

Yeah. Def fishing. My ex e-mailed my best friend (MY BEST FRIEND!! ) to ask how I'm doing.

... my best friend's response: ::clicks the DELETE button::

Fishing, yes... but I guess she thought her and my best friend would still remain friends. Oops.

I also think my ex is "using" her friends to see how I'm doing. Our mutual friend recently asked me to go to lunch with her... we went to lunch. I threw some scraps at her... such as I'm doing fine... I'm doing this... I'm doing that...

After that lunch, I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks. Oh well.

Maggie: there's nothing wrong with accepting that "requests to be your friend"... but then what? In her mind... what do you think is going on? Granted, fbook and myspace mean so little... but it still is a step.

I just don't really know what to do for the best don't want to be hurt but don't want to close the door completely I do still love her

Well that's the thing. You've been doing NC... so I think she's wondering what's happened to you. Her friending you is a way of seeing if you're still "interested" in being part of her life. Not as a boyfriend, but just a part. Hope that makes sense.

Do you want her back? How long has it been since NC? Are you ready to talk to her again?

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Originally Posted by Questions2007

To reassure herself that you are still there and available if she wants you to be. It is less risky than asking direct and having the potential rejection!

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Oops did the wrong quote,I've have heard from him today,yes he was fishing. However, I was honest did tell him I wasn't interested iin being friends because I didn't think of him that way,first time in ages I said that. Yes I'm a wuss who didn't say 'dont contact me unless you want me back, I was honest and saying that friendship didn't work for me and I couldn't keep lying to myself, I told him,actually, reiterated on an email he claimed to not understand, but replied to it a week after?. it stated keeping contact wasn't good idea and I didn't just want friendship,same thing,but no I wasn't firm with the don't contact thing. My feeling s are similar to maggie83, not wanting to shut the door completely ,but not wanting to be friends either. But I'm now going through this crisis situation in which he seemed willing offer advice or a listening ear,now he's being nice :eek: if I accept his offer, it will mean I will go back on my word of not wanting being just friends and keeping this interaction going . That s why I'm confused, I just didn't think it was the right time to say,'dont call me unles you want me back, but did let him know about this 'friendship wasn't for me,if his response tomorrow says something as look I don't feel the same but can still be friends so what's the crisis. That's when I tell him its okay I'l deeal with it myself thanks,also dotn contact me. Also Questions, he didn't flaunt his new gdf in my face,maybe just once, I was asking does he treat me one way and maybe her as a princess.

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

i just dont really know what to do for the best dont wanna be hurt but dont want to close the door completely i do still love her

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That's why in your case,Facebook is good sign,but best to make some nice hot chamomile lemon tea and sleep on it,not acceot her as friends just yet,maybe a day or two. I need to make that same tea also.

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Originally Posted by vivia12

In my case,I was wondring, i had to tell the ex,who broke up w/ me last summer,and who calls and wants to stay friends that I couldnt do it, i finally did that after six months of pretending to be friends while he dated someone else,while I wait for whatever scraps he threw my way basically. I was following the NC rule for almost two months, but broke it several times, responding to his 'where are you,what happened to you' inquiring calls by emailing letting him know i'm doing fine and wishing him Joyful Holiday season(,which i really didnt mean, lthe lesser of two evils) . I was trying to avoid his calls,yes i'm chicken i shouldve told him not to call but do you actually announce NC? The thing he said something real hurtful the last time we interacted that made me realize to stay away from him. Now that i left him alone that made him more curious, which was not my intention,i just wasnt there waiting for his scraps anymore and having false hope.. he'd send mix msgs flirting with me acting like he wants me but then he's avoid me,giving me the cold shoulder. This went on for 6 months. i was doing great on partial NC it seems but now that i finally gave him spoke to him not to long ago, the pain restarted again and i finally told him i couldnt be friends,i'm not ready its not working for me. Did anyone had to do this? is it the right thing? I still want him back,help.

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I have not had to do that; but you have to do what works for you; if you cannot be friends with your ex at this time that is fine; maybe friendship will come with time; if not that's okay too. Your feelings are your feelings

vivia -

Clean out your pm list honey... unless you don't want to receive any more pms

Saw the ex on the train today and chatted, got to work (we work next to eachother) and there was a text ''nice to see you today, sorry things didn't work out between us I hope we can eventually be friends''

I replied Sorry but no, that's not going to happen, please don't contact me again unless you change your mind about us

This is the third time I've told her no to friendship, I'm also going to reject her Facebook request

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

saw the ex on the train today and chatted, got to work (we work next to eachother) and there was a text ''nice to see you today, sorry things didnt work out between us i hope we can eventually be friends''

i replied Sorry but no, thats not gonna happen, please dont contact me again unless you change your mind about us

This is the third time ive told her no to friendship, im also gonna reject her facebook request

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Well done!! That is the perfect response. You must now stick to NC. If she comes back and says she wants to try again, you can decide what to do, if not, well you are moving on anyway!

Yeah I've been trying to do that, I've been trying no contact for about 6 weeks and she broke it with a chain text on new year, then I saw her on the train, I broke it by texting her my new number and she added me on Facebook!

She really is trying to push the friends thing and I'm sick of it... this will be there third time I've told her no, she even admitted herself you can't do the friends thing! What is all that about!

To be honest, I don't think she will be back... shes moved on, it about time I stopped wasting my time on her

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Originally Posted by Maggie83

Yeah ive been trying to do that, ive been trying no contact for about 6 weeks and she broke it with a chain text on new year, then i saw her on the train, i broke it by texting her my new number and she added me on facebook!!

She really is trying to push the friends thing and im sick of it...this will be ther third time ive told her no, she even admitted herself you can't do the friends thing!! What is all that about!

to be honest, i dont think she will be back...shes moved on, it about time i stopped wasting my time on her

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Take time for yourself. See friends you haven't seen so much recently, get a new hobbie, do stuff you have been putting off, book a holiday etc You will then be focused on you and not her so much.

Yeah I have been totally focused on her, I've been doing things in the hope I'll get a reaction... I won't.

Well me and my friends are going to book a holiday in the next few weeks and I'm going to go to the music festivals this year.. I went last year but she came and I spent half my time babysitting her and her friend! So I have a few things to look forward to, I love photography and I'm going to get more into that, I just need a new camera first!

That's great you're doing things for yourself, I need to also,its just difficult

I was just wondring, I may have done something dumb today
I e-mailed an msn news story simultaneoulsy to 3 people including,the X whom I have not been in contact for many months now.
Thing is he told me before he doesn't check that e-mail account regularly, but I'm sure when he logs in he'll see my name,along with that story and w/other friends e-addresses.
did I actually break NC and in need of walk around with the Scarlet letter
for breaking NC?
I was actually going to send that multiple e-mail after the presidential election and this is the first time I've done this, I won't do this anymore.
I bow my head in shame,now one of my friends in the e-mail is reading gme the riot act for doing that,and rightly so.


What do I do, Anyone's opinion? Advice,including bringingthe scarlet paint so I can hold up like hester Prynne?
feel awful

Yes, you technically did.

You better pray and pray HARD for forgiveness! ;)

What do you do? Well, there is nothing you can do unless you try to hack his email account and delete the email before he sees it.

Opinion? Its probably not a very big deal. Hopefully, he sees it as an accidental mass-email and disregards... BUT, if he is wanting contact, he may use it to open the lines of communication.

Advice? Delete him from your address book to keep it from happening again.

Yes I now bow my head down with shame
I since deleted him but I memorize his address,
I'll just keep mum for good
Breaking NC is scary and does putyou in a vulnerable position
'i was hoping I got a failure delivery
I'll take the red paint,
Have to joke abou tthis somehow.

After many months, you will probably be okay.

I don't know exactly what the general "rules" are with NC... but for me, I like to continue friendships with all of my ex's. I am actually either friends or at least on a civil speaking level with every girl that I have ever gone out with... at least the ones that I still see/run into.

So, if you are not opposed to that, maybe this will be a good thing. It's been so long that maybe the two of you will be able to overcome the need for NC and connect on a friendship level?

I think that is a valuable thing to do in life... you shouldn't live your life afraid or awkward with people or ex's

Best point going forward, delete him from the mail list

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Best point going forward, delete him from the mail list

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Pray for Vivia father chuck!

Hey Dr.jizzle
Well certainly after my posts,believe me whe're not frinds,not after the way he treated me and it ended badly
But you're right though,maybe that's my way of letting bygones be bygones
Also I tried to hack his e-mail acct to erase it,
Not that I had his password anyway,but I did follow your advice
It won't happen again,look ow awful I felt even with that

Yes, better to let bygones be bygones rather than spending your life with grudges. People can act real sh*tty to each other.. especially when love is involved.

But to be the better person, regardless how difficult it is, it is always best to get past it, accept that, while they are not the best person for you, they are still a person. We all make mistakes.

The tricky part is to do so without giving in to them again. Stay strong. ;)

(Even though it's not the "right" thing to do, I would have tried to hack their email also lol)

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Originally Posted by DrJizzle

Yes, better to let bygones be bygones rather than spending your life with grudges. People can act real sh*tty to each other.. especially when love is involved.

But to be the better person, regardless how difficult it is, it is always best to get past it, accept that, while they are not the best person for you, they are still a person. We all make mistakes.

The tricky part is to do so without giving in to them again. Stay strong. ;)

(Even though it's not the "right" thing to do, I would have tried to hack their email also lol)

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I appreciate your responses/insight
What do you mean by not giving in to them again? Do you mean contacting?
Yes,he did act real crappy verbally insulting me via e-mail which I didn't bother to reply
To this day I regret not telling him off,even if everyone told me to ignore him
Ffelt I never had closure, I giess by sending that chain mail I wanted in a way to show him he didn't bother me,(although he did)
Not sure if he gotten it or not,but I'm notgoing to be dumb enough to do it again
I won't lie I wish he did contact me so I can finally let him have it after all this time!

I don't think it's a big deal. It happened, so what. Stop thinking about it. He will get the email and see it was casual. He will either not reply to it all, since a lot of people don't even take the time to look at mass emails/forward... or he might reply with something simple. If he does, I wouldn't read into it too much. But honestly, it sounds like you want him to reply deep down, or else you wouldn't have taken the time to post about it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vivia12

I appreciate your responses/insight
what do you mean by not giving in to them again? do you mean contacting?
yes,he did act real crappy verbally insulting me via e-mail which i didnt bother to reply
to this day i regret not telling him off,even if everyone told me to ignore him
ffelt i never had closure, i giess by sending that chain mail i wanted in a way to show him he didnt bother me,(although he did)
not sure if he gotten it or not,but i'm notgoing to be dumb enough to do it again
i wont lie i wish he did contact me so i can finally let him have it after all this time!

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Not to lump you in with the majority of people... or can I even say "girls", but typically when there is a situation like this (abusive boyfriend, abrupt ending, caring girlfriend, etc.) they recommend NC.. that is because love can be a tricky thing. We may know that a certain someone isn't right for us but we still have these strong feelings deep down for them, regardless of how they treated us. So making contact can be tricky. I have to admit, I have re-hooked up with a few girls with the original intent of just becoming friends. But, in the wrong place and the wrong time, those old feelings can become overwhelming.

So what I mean about not giving in to them is exactly that. I don't know how old you are or if you were sexually active with him or even close but you will want to be aware of that. It can be easy to suddenly desire that again. We, as humans, typically have a strong desire to be loved, held, cared for... which is why you see so many people that stay in abusive relationships.

And closure is a big thing. It seems apparent that the lack of closure is eating at you a bit on the inside. Closure usually requires confrontation.. confrontation requires strength... strength requires mental awareness. You need to be aware of the situation with him, with yourself, with your future and your intentions so that you can be strong enough to confront him and gain closure on the situation.

This is coming from a male perspective and something that I strive for in my own life. Proceed with caution and do ready for things to not go right. Even though this is still how I approach these situations, I have had plenty of bad experiences from it. :D But I am not afraid to fall... and neither should you be ;)

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Originally Posted by DrJizzle

Not to lump you in with the majority of people... or can I even say "girls", but typically when there is a situation like this (abusive boyfriend, abrupt ending, caring girlfriend, etc.) they recommend NC.. that is because love can be a tricky thing. We may know that a certain someone isn't right for us but we still have these strong feelings deep down for them, regardless of how they treated us. So making contact can be tricky. I have to admit, I have re-hooked up with a few girls with the original intent of just becoming friends. But, in the wrong place and the wrong time, those old feelings can become overwhelming.

So what I mean about not giving in to them is exactly that. I dont know how old you are or if you were sexually active with him or even close but you will want to be aware of that. It can be easy to suddenly desire that again. We, as humans, typically have a strong desire to be loved, held, cared for... which is why you see so many people that stay in abusive relationships.

And closure is a big thing. It seems apparent that the lack of closure is eating at you a bit on the inside. Closure usually requires confrontation.. confrontation requires strength... strength requires mental awareness. You need to be aware of the situation with him, with yourself, with your future and your intentions so that you can be strong enough to confront him and gain closure on the situation.

This is coming from a male perspective and something that I strive for in my own life. Proceed with caution and do ready for things to not go right. Even though this is still how I approach these situations, I have had plenty of bad experiences from it. :D But I am not afraid to fall... and neither should you be ;)

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I apreciate your guy perspective,really:) but one question,you say closure requires strength,and awareness,well how do I get that if I'm not in contact w/him or he' not contacting me?
lol, I should send another chain email with Yahoo news of the day and by the way x you're a jerk, anyone who agrees say I.
but either than that, I' m not sure how to do, this unless I break NC.Also you said I should be strong when/if confronation happens,
I don't doubt he'll come back w/more insultshis was more of an emotional attachment,didn't get busy w/him,he lives far away
BRKstatiff, the reasoni'm worried about it because I think broke NC after all these months I didn't expect any replies

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Originally Posted by vivia12

i apreciate your guy perspective,really:) but one question,you say closure requires strength,and awareness,well how do i get that if i'm not in contact w/him or he' not contacting me?

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Are you asking how you get closure or how you get strength/awareness... if you're not in contact with him?

First, you shouldn't rely on him, or anyone else for that matter, to gain strength or awareness. That comes from within. You need to deal with the things, whether good or bad, inside yourself in order to find out where you stand. If you don't feel that you are strong enough yet to confront him, then don't. It is kind of like rehab. A lot of places tell you to just stay away from your addiction forever... that way you won't ever make the mistake of doing whatever it is again. But REAL rehab will teach you to overcome your addiction.. to gain the strength you need to be able to say no, not matter the time or place. Once you have this kind of strength, this kind of conviction, you can walk through life fearless... you won't be afraid of running into him at the store or somewhere worse.. because you now possess the power to overcome whatever hold he had on you originally.

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Originally Posted by vivia12

lol, i should send another chain email with yahoo news of the day and btw x youre a jerk, anyone who agrees say I.

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Haha... if you do, I better be on that chain! Lol

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vivia12

but either than that, i' m not sure how to do, this unless i break NC.Also you said i should be strong when/if confronation happens,
i dont doubt he'll come back w/more insultshis was more of an emotional attachment,didnt get busy w/him,he lives far away
BRKstatiff, the reasoni'm worried about it because i think broke NC after all these months I didnt expect any replies

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NC is not an infinite rule. Eventually, everyone will have to give it up... eventually. We cannot go around for the rest of our lives worried about breaking NC with every ex we have ever had. I live in a small town where that isn't even possible!

NC is only needed for as long as it takes you to gain that conviction I mentioned above. Once you are in full control over yourself once again, who cares if you break NC?

:cool:

Quick question. What does NC mean?

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Originally Posted by MsJulia

Quick question. What does NC mean?

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Hi ma Julia,
It means no contact, the rule I don't contact your ex,especially after they give the shaft, try your best keep away from them.

Dr. Jizzle, I like your name-

So you mean,once I feel better,contact him and let him have it? In a way wouldn't that mean that I'm still bothered by him
What really bugs me is the fact he didn't make an effort to contact me at all,
So trying to contact him I feel,maybe now.. is sort of chasing after him
Maybe that mail I sent,was my half hearted attempt to contact him
But its true, I was in addicted to him or let him have ahold on me,
That's why I panicked even after I did that chain mail,
Imagine if I sent one to him dirextly, I know I'll feel awful
Because in a sense,he ditched me treated me like a Creole plantation house slave
With his verbal abuse,here I'm back going for more
I really would like to have the last word one day, maybe one day it will happen
But then I'd have to ctually get in touch with him if that's what you are really suggest
You make it sound so easy,haha.
I appreciate what you said about acquiring the strength within,so true
Sure I'll count you in if I do send that chain mail letting him know he's a jerk,and if everyone agrees,just kidding, woulnt do that.

A Creole plantation house slave? Hahhaha Who ARE you?

No, I don't mean to suggest that you make any attempts to contact him. And if you do, do NOT try to "let him have it"... that would only show him that he still has something over you. But from the sounds of it, he may not even be worth retaining a friendship for, as I had previously suggested.

From here, it sounds like its best to let it go. He is deleted from your address book so no more mishaps. That part of you that still wants to let him have it will be best satisfied when he happens to run into you, only to see that you have moved on and are a better person for it... and you no longer want/need/desire ANYTHING from him.

Be careful though, because this is where he will try to reconnect with you. But you are too powerful to let that happen so you would simply brush him off and go about your business... as he sits there and watches you walk away lol

Oh Vivia.

I too considered sending a chain mail to an ex, I figured she would think I just sent it to everyone without thinking. The real reason was to get her attention and find out that if she did want to speak to me now is her chance.

Your just as guilty as I was. Also, your write up suggests you are still harboring some deep resentment and need this guy to miss you.

I know it sounds harsh but reality is important, HE did not attempt this with you, he attempted nothing. Means he may well have moved on to life post-you. If he does miss you he certainly has not deceided to act upon it like you have.

Best case is he ignores or does not see it. I really do not think your ready for contact with him, this has been quite some time over this guy no?

Don't feel too bad, obviously I andothers did it too. However, your hunting this guy to have him admit he misses you or something and no proof exists that he does.

Hope it helps.

I agree with the above posters, delete his contact information from your email address book. That way you won't make this mistake in the future.

Pass this off as an "oops." Don't dwell on it. Don't try to explain it to him or "hack into his account"... it was a simple mistake.

Keep moving forward!