Ask Me Help Desk - Ash123 sticky comments

Thank you so much for the advice. I believe he had a bad childhood, his mom died at age 8 and his father took a new wife to raise all of the kids, almost immediately. His best friend says that he doesn't know how to act, when someone really loves him...

Again you are awesome... where have you been all of my life?

I agree. Awesome guide. I like all of the steps. And I like #10 a lot. It just tells me to learn to handle adversity. When someone steps on you, we should learn to get up and be strong. Don't let someone step on you again. That's enough. If they want it when that time comes, you are strong enough to handle any adversity.

Bring it on!! =)

Pretty good stuff.. Thanks. Ü

I'm going to post this up on my wall. ^^

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stringer

Ash, I guess I am just so fortunate that I found the woman of my dreams about 10 years ago and we married 5 years ago and every day is a blessing. But what I really want to address here is what a blessing you have been to so many on this thread. Please let me say for all of us Thank You dear, and God bless...
Stringer

Thanks! And YES, you ARE the lucky one... everyone on here wants to be YOU!

Once you find love, everything else is easy to find.

Hey Toast,

One day you won't need it :-)
But a buddy may, and by that time you can hand it off...

No doubt (NONE! ) you are doing the right thing.

Hi Ash you responded to my post in this link
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post1258186
I wanted to thank you for your insight and I want to respond to your questions

1. Going out is your right.
2. how often did you want to have sex? How much would she like?
3. what did you disagree about besides sex?

Don't panic. Her life is no field day right now either. Let's see if this is really the girl for you.
And then sort this out. Get some sleep. It'll turn out exactly how it's supposed to man... if she's the one it'll be. If not we'll get you up from there.

I want to thank you for your response. I have also read the links you included.
1.You are right going out is my right however I think that part of the problem is that she does not have any real friends. I think she just felt bad if I didn't take her along. Other than that we would always be together on the weekends but like I mentioned the last couple of months schedules got messed up and here we are.
2. I wanted to have sex pretty often I would say at least twice a week because of our schedules. She told me that she wanted to have sex but that she thought it was her birth control that was affecting her.
3. We disagreed about going out with my friends, not spending enough time together, taking her for granted which I totally disagreed with because considering the circumstances it was almost impossible. It was she that encouraged me to take a lot of college courses to get my degree over with and that way we could spend more time together.
You know I feel like I am in a bad movie and I hope it over soon. I was thinking of sending her a letter kind of like a outline of our relationship highlighting all of the good things/times we have had and how we have grown together getting the jobs we wanted and the support she gave me and I gave her.. I thought that getting over these hurdles is what makes a relationship stronger?
How is her life no field day? She decided to break up with me? She got what she wanted.
If she is really the one why would anyone try to breakup to test the relationship?
You say succesfull relationships have gone through breaks and manged to be happy together why?/how?
Isn't doing nothing the same as I don't really care about you or the relationship?
What do you think?

You must communicate what you want to say when you break up. Make it clear that you love her but cannot live like that and step away with the ball in her court. Then if she contacts you so be it! If not, you cannot chase her. It does not help. She feels guilty now but is a hormonal wreck and needs to feel the space to see what it feels like. I think there is nothing more you can do right now. But don't lose your friends in the process. Relationships are about MANY things and something as simple as friends in a fragile relationship can be enough to kill it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)

You now have the advantage! ;)

Ash that was a great guide. What about if your ex needed to step back and take things slowly but nothing happens really. She just texts every 2 weeks and we meet up for a coffee yet nothing more. I then told her 4 weeks ago that I needed closure as our meetings don't work because I still have some feelings. She replied with , "Nothing feels sorted with me" I was hoping everything would work out with us but that's not fair."

We've had no contact but I ran into her at my work 4 days ago and nearly froze. I approached her and we had a nice chat. I emailed her with advice on her new job in our department and said that if she needs anything to email me. She thanked me and now I won't see her for another 8 weeks as she's on holidays with her friend , then I'm on 4 weeks holiday.
Is it too late for your 1-10 or can I start at #4 despite us staying in touch at work in 8 sweeks time. Thank you

Don't do sh--.

Best advice I can give.

What does that mean??

SH-- ( fill in the I and T. )

Got it?

Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom :)

Ash, what if the problem is that we were not spending time together? Wouldn't not contacting her make her think he doesn't care anymore? That was part of our problem that I didn't make enough time for her. Obviously if this were true for the entire relationship would have been over sooner but I guess in her eyes the time we did spend together was no tenough. What do you think?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)

You now have the advantage! ;)

You just named all the things I DIDN'T do right. I suppose because we had broken up early in the relationship and constant contact worked for me. I snuggled my way back in. Second time didn't work like that. Go figure...

Yep, that's why you do it. Getting back does not mean that it won't happen again.

To get the control back you need to get the relationship to a position where your needs and requests are being met. Staying close can keep you in the game, but unless you are willing to
"walk off the lot" you have no bargaining power. This is, of course, after solid adult communication has failed and your place in the relationship has decayed.

I have a question...
My ex and I broke up a few months ago but always talked after the break. We would have our disagreements about our relationship and stop talking but either he would call me days later or I'd text him. I think we're both afraid of losing each other (even though he has a new girlfriend -_-). But my question is, what if you've already tried NC but you never did it long enough to have a real outcome. Do you try again? What if he catches on to what I'm doing and ignores me until I finally give in? This is really hard.

If he already has a new girlfriend... I would not talk to him again. You deserve respect. It will make him wonder... what he's done wrong. Maybe I am not the person to give you this advice... but I would totally leave him alone... it's so sad... ignore him.

he has a new GF?????

You better ignore him.

If after 6-12 months you try again then so be it, but it's up to him to chase you now. He made the move to another.

GREAT ADVICE! Very wise words.
My ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and I was completley heartbroken. I tried the whole NC thing and struggled for a while.
But about 6 days ago she contacted me and asked how I was doing... I was hestitant to reply but did anyway, so I just told her I was doing fine. She told me she was glad to know I was and that she was real worried about me and how I was taking it (which I was quite surprised at). She has contacted me every other day since and we have made a bit of light conversation but nothing to serious.
We bumped into each other at a club last night and she gave me a hug and a kiss (on the cheek) and said she would talk to me later. She said she could be open to meeting for lunch sometime next week but wasn't to sure if she wanted to just yet and would let me know soon...
I'm really confused about what to do? After all she was the one who wanted to be single but it feels like she is giving me mixed signals... could she hinting at us getting together? Or is she possibly leading me on? What would be the appropriate actions to take?

It seems to be a game of chase, as I have experienced it... When my X boyfriend broke up with me... because I caught him cheating... I was heart broken too... it was totally unexpected.. thank God I found out when I did!!

Anyway, I didn't talk to him for a long time - the "NC" works. It hurts though... deeply. We were suppose to get married. But ask yourself... why did the X break up with you... this is the question you need to honestly answer to help yourself. My X figured out what he had done, and came back... wouldn't leave me alone. After his childish texting, emails and wanting me to do more business for him... I said enough. I decided I didn't want him in my life anymore after he lied to me and his friends over and over; if he's done it once he will do it again.

Think about why you want this person back. You want someone to love you for who you are, someone who you click with, you have an awesome chemistry with? Act like you don't care... I showed my X I could move on, without him in my life. It worked... he came back - and I didn't take him back... grass isn't always greener... and through all of this suffering... I met someone wonderful. Think about this. There might be a greater plan.

As the Guinness commercial says... Brilliant!

I bookmarked this so I can refer to it over and over. I had a break up (6 years together) and though I tell myself a lot of this... its good to hear that it works. The no contact is what I've never done. I have to commit to doing that. I can't give up pieces of myself every time I make myself available to him. Will he call me? Should I care? I think I do but hopefully I won't forever.

Thanks again... I will be re-reading this a lot in the coming months.

This is a great post my friend, thanks for this advice.

I have my ex of a few weeks who hasn't spoke to me or nor have I spoke to her, her birthday is dec 4. I really want to give her her presents, but what should I do? I ultimately want her to comeback, I mean I'm not sitting around moping or anything I just ultimately want her to love me and come back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LifeChangesMan

this is a great post my friend, thanks for this advice.

i have my ex of a few weeks who hasn't spoke to me or nor have i spoke to her, her birthday is dec 4. i really want to give her her presents, but what should i do? i ultimately want her to comeback, i mean i'm not sitting around moping or anything i just ultimately want her to love me and come back.

My thoughts... don't give her a present and keep the no contact going. You aren't being mean. If you really feel bad about it.. you could send a little email just saying Happy Birthday and leave it at that. Giving a present will open up wounds and make things tougher.

That was really strange reading that, without knowing it I'm all ready doing the 1-10 method, in the past when a relationship broke up I was allways tried to win them back,it was very close to begging them to come back, it only had the effect of pushing them further away and me feeling weak, anyway this last break up hit me the hardest in away I never thought possible, yes I tried to win her back but all I got was I love you "BUT" which only made it worse, if she had said I don't love you, yes that would have hurt but at leasts it's a reason, at the moment I have no answers why, I've asked myself every question possible, well I tried for amonth to no avail, until oneday I decided there was only one thing left for me to do about this, it was something I've never tried before and new it was going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, and that is simply" DO NOTHING" and it is hard but as each day go's by I get a little stronger and I know deep down I have made the right choice, and before you ask I still have that hope one day she will be back I'm not afraid to admit that, but it will have to be her that wants me back, it's the only way it could work, hope that makes sense

I wish I did this method! Oh well to late now :)

NEVER TOO LATE.

Don't beat yourself up over the past... it's about the present. The break up guide is about the present too :)

Excellent response!! It really made me feel lots better...
It doesn´t matter if she comes back or she doesn´t, even if I truly loved her for about 3 years, I think this words will help me a lot... I really don´t believe in "steps" for relationships (or for getting out of them), but your comment gave me hope and calm...
Thank You for your wise words

Quote:

Originally Posted by javes85

Excellent response!!! It really made me feel lots better...
It doesn´t matter if she comes back or she doesn´t, even if I truly loved her for about 3 years, I think this words will help me a lot... I really don´t believe in "steps" for relationships (or for getting out of them), but your comment gave me hope and calm...
Thank You for your wise words

Now you see why she is an 'Expert.':)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

She? :-) LOL

Oh Ash... I am so sorry... forgive me... I don't know why... I...

As many know I have had quite a time with my break-up. The last contact being a few days ago, when she returned my house key. She told me why, and in her words she lost her passion for me, and also she wants her independence. I know that passion is code for attraction, and I know some reasons it may have diminished. I ended things by telling her not to give up on us, as the passion was there this time last year, and I reminded her of a specific time it was demonstrated. She agreed, but said its not there now. I hope to get her back one day, as I know we were good with each other. I won't go into all the signs, and signals, but that belief is more than just my emotions from the break-up. I have no choice but to follow at lot of stuff on here, and figure out the stuff that I know is at the root of this. Stuff like my career focus, etc. I would like to send a small but innocuous gift for her birthday which is next month, but think that time frame is too soon, I don't plan on contacting before that. I've heard that even with NC not to forget significant days like the B-day, but again am wondering if 4 weeks is to soon. I'll do whatever advice is given here on the matter. If I send it, it would either be a book or the Fireproof movie(yes subtle msg)but I would not call. Just send it in the mail.

I hope the rest of this works. I really do, because we really are supposed to be together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ka1

I hope to get her back one day,

I hope you get yourself back one day.

Right now, you need to focus on yourself. You are a broken man, desperate and lacking any confidence. That can be changed, but you have to make the decision and you need to make it today that this self abuse and self torture comes to an end. That won't cure the pain of the break up, but neither will anything else your doing.

NC is no contact. There are no exceptions. I don't care when her birthday is, she is not owed a gift, she has not earned a gift, and you better not give her gift. The only gift you need to start giving is that to yourself. All this love you want to give her, turn it inward because right now that's who needs it most and that's who deserves it more.

This is a great post. It really helped me out when I first started the healing process. It has been almost 3 months of strict NC and I feel 100 times better than I did. In all honesty it has taken me approximately 7 months to get where I am now, but only the last 3 months have been strict NC. NC works wonders if you give it time. There was a poster on here named WildCat21 that would always advocate the NC rule. He would always tell posters to go NC for at least 3 months and see how they felt at the end. Looking back he was right, as was Tal and all the other guys on here. NC works! I remember a few months back, I was still talking to her every week and wasn't really making progress. Not talking to her at all has definitely allowed me to move forward.

I will not say that it is easy AT FIRST. As you keep plugging along and sticking to NC it does get easier. You will still have "feelings" at times, but you will learn not to act on them. It also helps when your ex doesn't try contacting you.

As these "feelings" fade, you will rediscover life and rediscover the opposite sex. It will be different, but fun. Just take things one day at a time. Soon enough you'll start to see the light at the end.

Well put. A real motivator for others who are in pain.

The work is LOGGING THE DAYS. Stringing them together when you want to quit NC. Well done. Good luck to others who are in the process too.

I had one NC last 9 months once to get my head clear!
And 12 months to start with someone new...

Ash, you're my hero! :)

Anyone that survives a bad break up and moves onto something healthier and better is a hero... hopefully that can be everyone on here. :-)

I mailed back all the cards and gifts, now I feel bad as if I'm saying you I agree with you its over, should I like contact her and just say I hope you got the stuff that I mailed it hurt but I can't keep them around?

Or should I still maintain my sielnce.