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Originally Posted by Joe2982

I have a question. The more time that passes, arent the two of us going to fall out of love with eachother?

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Also the time apart will help both people put things into perspective. We as humans tend to categorize things, especially emotionally. These categories tend to be very general and all-consuming but then we use them in our decision making processes as though they are a completely accurate redition of truth.

For instance, and we all do this, if you've been fighting for awhile, statements like "We always fight." This statement, of course, is inaccurate, but it we treat it as truth and we approach the other person (or people) as though this is the truth. We do it in reverse as well. What people typically call "being in love" is when nothing the person does is wrong, even though if you weren't involved, you'd be like :eek: These are just human behaviors, and there's no point in trying not to do it, because everyone always will. That being said, you can be aware of it and use it to your advantage, rather then giving it control.

The obvious problem is that in negative situations like this, those are the overriding thoughts. Time apart will slowly allow those thoughts to dissapate and the things that were good will start to reappear in the other person's mind. But it takes time to happen, and that takes us back to the patience thing.

If it helps at all, like I said previously, I've been (and I guess still am) in a situation very similar to yours. It's taken a long time but I'm getting my feet under me again and I've learned a TREMENDOUS amount. You're on the right path, and I know it hurts like hell, but keep putting one foot in front of other and you will get where you want to be.

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Originally Posted by samesame

I think that depends. I'm in your shoes too and I've asked a lot of people a lot of questions and from what I gather this is the gist of it... the way you guys left things off don't sound bad, so as time goes on she will forget about the negative things and remeber the good times you guys shared. She will miss you...this works for you, but it will take a bit of time to sink in because she's the one that called it off.

The only risk of being apart is who they or you meet in between that time apart, and with that no one has control. I think the only chances of someone ever getting completely over an ex that did not end badly is if they fall in love with someone else they are completely happy with, because that will fill the void of loneliness and possible regret the ex left behind.

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This sounds about right... However, I tried letting her know I am still here and I get nothing back from her. I think the best thing I can do is put it in my head that it is over and move on. Time will tell how this all plays out. I cannot continue beating myself up over this. The more time she spends away, the less I am going to want her in my life down the road. I feel hurt and betrayed on some levels over this. I know I had problems with myself, but to just up and leave I felt was wrong. She even said she wants to be friends to reestablish the trust. How can you do that when there is no contact?? All of this sounds like she was running me a line because maybe she did not know how to end it completely.

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Originally Posted by Joe2982

However, I tried letting her know I am still here and I get nothing back from her.

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Don't have expectations on her responding or not. Right now she is protecting herself and thinking about herself. It sucks and it's selfish but that's how it is. You can either forgive her and tell yourself she got your message and that's good enough for now, or you can hold it against her and use it to further damage the relationship.

I understand the betrayal and hurt feelings. Remember that those we love have the greatest ability to hurt us, and that the hardest, hardest part about love is acceptance and forgiveness. When people get married they hear the "for better or worse" and never think about the "worse." If you really want this woman and really love this woman, keep loving her in spite of how you feel right now. Live your life and make yourself happy and say to yourself "yes, she's hurting me but I can deal with it because I love her and I want something more for us." Also known as, I suppose, turning the other cheek.

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Originally Posted by Joe2982

This sounds about right...However, I tried letting her know I am still here and I get nothing back from her. I think the best thing I can do is put it in my head that it is over and move on. Time will tell how this all plays out. I cannot continue beating myself up over this. The more time she spends away, the less I am going to want her in my life down the road. I feel hurt and betrayed on some levels over this. I know I had problems with myself, but to just up and leave I felt was wrong. She even said she wants to be friends to reestablish the trust. How can you do that when there is no contact??? All of this sounds like she was running me a line because maybe she did not know how to end it completely.

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The only thing you can do in a situation like this is think about what would be good for yourself... that's the point of a break. As for spending time away and not wanting her in your life as much down the road, it's understandable to feel this but maybe you're only thinking this way because you're seperated now. And if you are feeling this misserable, then don't put yourself through any more greif. You have to think about yourself and not drive yourself mad hoping that she will come back but being unsure. Do what's best for you not her.

I understand she may be protecting herself. However, 2 weeks ago she came out and started text messaging me to tell me her life story for the last 3 weeks. Also, we did have plans to meet the following day, and we did. All I am saying that everything has gone well for the last few weeks. She has no reason not to respond to a simple "How are you" text message.

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Originally Posted by Joe2982

She has no reason not to respond to a simple "How are you" text message.

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No reason that you're aware of. She may have plenty of reasons for herself. You're expecting rational behavior in an irrational situation. Maybe she's scared of how she feels, maybe she's angry, maybe she's hurt, maybe she's just busy. Have some faith, Joe, it's okay :)

I have always been told that if you really love someone, you stick by them no matter what. I really feel as if she does not love me. This thought makes me angry and wanting to move on. I honestly feel as if I will never hear from her again.

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Originally Posted by Joe2982

I have always been told that if you really love someone, you stick by them no matter what. I really feel as if she does not love me. This thought makes me angry and wanting to move on. I honestly feel as if I will never hear from her again.

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Everyone loves differently. That's part of the biggest problem in relationships: communication. We expect that people speak our language, and they expect we speak theirs. When they don't, we feel that something is wrong. I am the same as you, to me, a large part of love is loyalty. But that's not true of a lot of people. You have to put yourself into her shoes and try to see the world as she sees it. You won't be good at this, but the point is, you're looking at this through your eyes and then making judgements on her actions. That won't work.

Anyway, the choice is yours, if you don't want to keep trying that's certainly your choice. No one will fault you for it. You have to decide what is best for you and everyone here will support you.

I really do appreciate all the support and advice I have been receiving here. Like I said, this whole situation is so confusing to me. All of this uncertainty sucks!! I have decided to just live my life and if she calls great... if not, then she doesn't. All in all, I just hate going through this healing process again. It will be a great thing in the end, but the road is extremely bumpy.

I'm doing the same. Just take it day by day. Things don't stay the same forever. And when you're this low, things can only get better. So for now just sit back, stay calm, and get through the ride. Eventually something will give on it's own. Either she will call, or you'll end up finding someone better that always makes you happy and never lets you down.

Ok... I have an update as for what is going on between us. Yesterday we spoke for about 3 hours in the late afternoon. She began to tell me that she loves me very much, still have all my pictures up, and wants our future we planned out together. The only thing is that she says she is still scared of what might happen and wants to just give it more time. A few hours after that, we spoke again for another 2 hours. In that conversation, she agreed that we have to have contact with one another if anything is going to be worked on slowly. We agreed to talk on the phone a few times out of the week, and see each other about once every other week to either go bowling, out to eat, anything fun. We will keep this up for about a month, and if all goes well, we will increase talking and hanging out.

She says that she doesn't want to move on, and made a promise to me that she wants to work on us and wants the relationship. In that last conversation, her and I were joking around with one another, and really got a lot of stuff out on the table about how we both felt. She also said I have to stop talking to everyone about and just hear what she is telling me. That is that she loves me, and wants us to work out. I think it went very positive. What do you guys think??

Nice to hear something good! Looks positive. Just take it slow now.

One question... did she call you or you called her?

Joe, very awesome :) I'm extremely happy for you man!

Now... comes the hard part. You have to do what she says! This time is for both of you but she is scared so you have to be willing to sacrifice and put her needs first for a long time. You'll be fine though, just don't get impatient :)

Here is the same advice I gave you earlier. It will be the best thing you can do

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Originally Posted by Sdjosh

Ok...thats good. Reestablishing the trust is a long process....just take it slow and don't have expectations. The best way to establish trust is to be a good friend....listen....keep the friendship fun....lighthearted....laugh as much as possible. In short...be good friends.

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Originally Posted by Sdjosh

The advice i gave you ....about being her friend? She is applying it. She said she wants work on being friends....So why would she sit there and pour her heart out to you? She is keeping it fun...light conversation.....happy. She is trying to be your friend. Do the same.

And you should continue to work on yourself. Work on your issues. Fix what the problems were. You can't even begin to thing of getting back in a relationship with her before you fix what broke.

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I called her the first time, and she called the second time.

She even wants to coem to one of my therapy sessions.

She said last time we met, she was holding herself back from crying.

Anymore advice fellas?

Sounds like you've got everything set. She wants the commitment and she wants to put forth effort... and she has no intentions of moving on.:)

The only thing I hate is the fact that I can be impatient. However, I know this situation is extremely sensitive. Therefore, I have to be patient and take it slow. I know I cannot talk about the relationship unless she brings it up. I just hope this brings us back together. SHe actually gave me a call today to say hello on her lunch break. I thought that was nice and thoughtful.

I will be away this weekend to help ease my mind and help building my own lofe separate from her.

See.. things like that are proof that the break was a good idea. She's showing she cares and she's calling even though you're still on a break. So imagine how great it's going to be when you guys are back togehter. Just keep that in mind when you become impatient.:)

You have too much to lose by being the same guy who ran her off in the first place. Work on being a better more patient you, and stop scaring the female that you love. If you don't learn from you past mistakes, they come back to bite you. It seems you should have ample incentive to work on you.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You have to much to lose by being the same guy who ran her off in the first place. Work on being a better more patient you, and stop scaring the female that you love. If you don't learn from you past mistakes, they come back to bite you. It seems you should have ample incentive to work on you.

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You're totally right:)

Trust me... I will never be that guy that drove her away again. I see how it hurt my relationship now. I also know that it will destroy any relationship I ever have if I continue that behavior. This girl did everything for me, and I pushed her away by being that person. This month and a half was a huge eye opener for me. It gave me the reality check I needed. Maybe as much pain as I felt these last few weeks, it was a blessing in disguise. All I want is to be a better person for myself, then for Carolina.

I am just a little concerned that it might be a little awkward between us when we hang out. Any suggestions on that??

Go SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! There is no hurry to get deep into each other. She will be checking you out for positive signs of change, so remember what the therapist has been showing you. Go easy and make her comfortable.
By the way what has your therapist been saying to you?

He tells me that 99% of the things that go on in relationships, I just have to let go and not let it bother me. In regards to my current situation, he says that it is only temporary. He also says that the fact that she is now willing to have contact is a great sign that she still wants this relationship. Patience is key in this situation. He advises me to do fun activities with her. Having fun with one another will help strengthen the bond between us. He told me to listen to the Frank Sinatra song "Nice n Easy". It cannot be the way it has been for the last 2 years right now. Basically just taking it slow will show her a lot.

You are lucky...

I will consider myself lucky when her and I are back together. Right now, I see myself as someone who helped mess up his own relationship.

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Originally Posted by Joe2982

I will consider myself lucky when her and I are back together. Right now, I see myself as someone who helped mess up his own relationship.

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No different then most people, since relationships take work and humans make mistakes. You are lucky in the sense that she is giving you another chance... many of us here didn't get that from the person we wanted it from. Be thankful for each part of this that has worked out for you and has gotten you where you are now. Humility is important and will serve you well, especially in your reconciliation.

I don't want to burst your hope but my bet is there is a new guy that she is interested in. I was in a relationship for 6 years before things went bad. You know? My ex used the same lines on me. Like you, it is very hard for me to trust people and that was one of the problems with our relationship. The point is this. Women hate to be by themselves. If she is saying she wants a break it is probably because she doesn't want to come striaght out and tell you that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't let her string you along. That's what was happening to me until I decided to completely cut her off. In the beginning my ex would call and tell me she missed me, that she wanted to come and visit me, and that she loved me, but when I asked her whether she was IN love with me, she would responded by saying she doesn't know. That's the other thing. Women don't know what the heck they want. Just stay away from her for about three to four months and if you are still interested than give her a call and see what's up. As for me, it been five months and I have had no contact with her although she calls, asks to be "friends" on myspace and other on-line communities, and has sent me messages every time after running into me from the night before. I do think when I am ready I will make contact but for now stay away and think things through. I am very happy that you are getting help with your trust issue. I have also been re-evaluating myself and making daily changes. Good luck. P.S. The pictures on myspace don't mean a damn thing. My ex still wears and take pictures with the jewelries I bought her. Unlike guys, girls have this incredible ability to switch on and off and just pick up an leave when someone else or thing has peeked their interest. Women are all about emotion. Tap that and your gold.

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Originally Posted by thoughtiwastheman

I don't want to burst your hope but my bet is there is a new guy that she is interested in. I was in a relationship for 6 years before things went bad. You know? My ex used the same lines on me. Like you, it is very hard for me to trust people and that was one of the problems with our relationship. The point is this. Women hate to be by themselves. If she is saying she wnats a break it is probably because she doesn't want to come striaght out and tell you that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't let her string you along. That's what was happening to me until I decided to completely cut her off. In the beginning my ex would call and tell me she missed me, that she wanted to come and visit me, and that she loved me, but when I asked her whether she was IN love with me, she would responded by saying she doesn't know. That's the other thing. Women don't know what the heck they want. Just stay away from her for about three to four months and if you are still interested than give her a call and see what's up. As for me, it been five months and I have had no contact with her although she calls, asks to be "friends" on myspace and other on-line communities, and has sent me messages everytime after running into me from the night before. I do think when I am ready I will make contact but for now stay away and think things through. I am very happy that you are getting help with your trust issue. I have also been re-evaluating myself and making daily changes. Good luck. P.S. The pictures on myspace don't mean a damn thing. My ex still wears and take pictures with the jewelries I bought her. Unlike guys, girls have this incredible ability to switch on and off and just pick up an leave when someone else or thing has peeked their interest. Women are all about emotion. Tap that and your gold.

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Probably a good idea to read the ENTIRE thread before posting...

Ignore this post.

In regards to her having interest in someone else... anything is possilbe. It could very well be that. However, she has stressed to me over and over that it isn't. Time will tell what will happen. Until then all I can do is live my life and play the cards life deals me. I know all that myspace crap, and anything I see online is probably done out of spite so I or someone I know will see it. It is only done to bother me. I guess that is part of the game people play with one another. I love her so much... but if it is not meant to be, what am I going to do? Cry about it? No way!! That is something I have not done since this has happened. Worst case scenario... I just pickup the pieces and move on.

My ex swore to me that there was no one else and sure enough there was. I found out the hard way by driving by and seeing her with a guy. Funny how no matter what bad she did or does in my brain, I still think about the good. I hope to find to he right one ASAP!

One thing I am learning the best way either move on or get them back is to just live your life and be happy with yourself. One of two things will happen. You will get over them, or they will see you are living great without them and want you back.

*UPDATE*

Ok... last night her and I met to play pool. It went very well. She did bring up how she has been feeling for the last month and a half. She also said that she knows she wants this relationship and wants to take it slow. I already knew this, but she felt she had to reassure me. After we left the pool hall, her and I went to grab something to eat. While we were there we both were laughing and joking with one another. She told me that she loves me and wouldn't be here if she didn't love me and want to get back together. I told her that this break will only make our relationship stronger, and I agreed with her that we needed this to fix our problems now. All in all, it was a great night and we both had fun.

Good Job Joe... best of luck take it slow and I hope the best for both of you!

Thank you Flyguy. Slow is the only way to take it. If we love each other, there is no reason for us not to work this out.

awwe! that's wonderful!:D