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Originally Posted by sypher373

I'm starting to see her as someone who is totally stuck on someone else, waiting around to see what happens with him in order to go on with her life.

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:eek: :eek: :eek:
We'll I just reread that after I wrote it and I think I might be sick :p

That's exactly what I've been for the last three months, and now I'm seeing it from the other side. Its sickening, and not attractive at all. Even if I tried to hide it, I'm sure my true colors shone (sp?) through.

Its funny, for the first time in a LONG time, things are starting to make sense to me. I guess that's a good sign :rolleyes: :o

Thanks again, I'm starting to see that for the last few months I've been my own worst enemy.

If you are sad that she threw away what you guys had together for something that may never happen (this other guy) that's her problem! Let her live with the consequences of her own decisions! It's nothing YOU should feel sorry for HER for! Come on...

I know its her problem, and I know there's nothing I can do about it, I guess it just sucks that it had to happen that way, but oh well its over and done with now.

I'm still looking forward to getting over this, ill be happy when I can not care what's happening, or hear from her without having a second thought about it. I just woke up, and mornings are still the toughest. The first hour or so I miss her terribly, I need time to remind myself of what has happened to get back in the right mindset.

It's been 3 months since she broke up with me. I let go of her about 3 weeks ago and once you do that you start to see the red flags, things she said and did to hurt me. The hurt and pain in my heart is gone and I'm not anxious any more I'm coming out of my safe zone (my house) and going out more. I don't know if I'm getting over faster then normal because she did break up with me a lot of times. But I didn't think I would ever heal and I am, and finding this web site has helped me sooooo much. I am so strong now and so will you my friend. Give it time. I still think of her and her son and what we would all be doing this summer but it don't hurt no more when I think of them. So let her go and heal.

Hey guys,

Just looking for some insight from the pros :)

I have been thinking about her actions in the past few weeks and such, and one thing really stands out in my mind. The last time we talked, the conversation which pushed me to get angry, she seemed to be dropping a lot of hints... She was saying things like: "Any other breakup that I have had, We just stopped talking to each other for a while" and things along those lines. At the time, I didn't see that as a hint, but now it looks like a huge red flag.

The funny thing is, I asked her point blank... "Would it be easier for you, if we didnt talk anymore?", and she said "I dont want that, but if its easier for you then yes". And since then, though I have only said about 10 words to her all week, she messaged me online to see how I was. In addition to that, the next morning she sent me a message to give me some irrelevant information about a dentist appointment (assuming I cared I suppose), and last night she sent me a text message saying "I hope your day was good". I missed the text message and one of the internet conversations, and the first internet message I responded, but it consisted of a total of about 10 words. (FYI, this first conversation was before I had created this post and decided NC was necessary).

What confuses me today is why she would drop hints like she did and then not seem to follow thorugh on them. I have not called, IMd, emailed, or text messaged her in almost a week now, but she still seems to want to talk to me.

Maybe she feels bad, though I find that pretty unlikely. Maybe she wasn't dropping hints, but that also seems unlikely. I really don't get it??

Nothing to get. Cut her the hell out of your life. If she cared she wouldn't text - she'd actually give you something.

Honestly, just from all this, I'm starting to dislike this girl. Lord knows you've been through worse than just me reading it. You're better than this. GET OUT NOW!! You don't want to be involved with someone so cowardly that she can't even get the truth out without stumbling all over her bull crap.

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Maybe she feels bad, though I find that pretty unlikely. Maybe she wasn't dropping hints, but that also seems unlikely. I really don't get it??

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Well let see every time she makes contact, you end up confused, unbalanced, emotional, and like today curious, all designed to keep her on your mind. I would say she was highly successful.

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Originally Posted by LBP

Nothing to get. Cut her the hell out of your life. If she cared she wouldn't text - she'd actually give you something.

Honestly, just from all this, I'm starting to dislike this girl. Lord knows you've been through worse than just me reading it. You're better than this. GET OUT NOW!!! You don't want to be involved with someone so cowardly that she can't even get the truth out without stumbling all over her bull crap.

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Trust me, Im getting out :)

I was just trying to figure out why she would be doing that. Maybe it all still boils down to the fact that she's confused and I've let her confusion become my confusion...

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Originally Posted by Taliniman

Well let see every time she makes contact, you end up confused, unbalanced, emotional, and like today curious, all designed to keep her on your mind. I would say she was highly successful.

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That definitely makes sense, because its what she has done. I just didn't think it could be that simple and that mean spirited.

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Originally Posted by sypher373

Hey guys,

Just lookin for some insight from the pros :)

I have been thinkin about her actions in the past few weeks and such, and one thing really stands out in my mind. The last time we talked, the conversation which pushed me to get angry, she seemed to be dropping a lot of hints... She was saying things like: "Any other breakup that I have had, We just stopped talking to each other for a while" and things along those lines. At the time, i didnt see that as a hint, but now it looks like a huge red flag.

The funny thing is, I asked her point blank...."Would it be easier for you, if we didnt talk anymore?", and she said "I dont want that, but if its easier for you then yes". And since then, though I have only said about 10 words to her all week, she messaged me online to see how I was. In addition to that, the next morning she sent me a message to give me some irrelevant information about a dentist appointment (assuming I cared I suppose), and last night she sent me a text message saying "I hope your day was good". I missed the text message and one of the internet conversations, and the first internet message I responded, but it consisted of a total of about 10 words. (FYI, this first conversation was before I had created this post and decided NC was necessary).

What confuses me today is why she would drop hints like she did and then not seem to follow thorugh on them. I have not called, IMd, emailed, or text messaged her in almost a week now, but she still seems to want to talk to me.

Maybe she feels bad, though I find that pretty unlikely. Maybe she wasn't dropping hints, but that also seems unlikely. I really dont get it?????

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Sorry sypher but I didn't even read past your first two lines. STOP thinking about her and what she is thinking. STOP IT NOW!

All you do is analyse everything she has done and is doing. That is all you focus on. Your sending yourself round the twist and to tell you the truth I think you might be sending me a little whacky too.

Please please please stop right now thinking about and analysing everything she does. It will not help you in the slightest. You don't need to understand why she did what. There is no answers, and if you got them they wouldn't help you. In fact they would only make it worse.

There you go, I have begged you to stop it and begin to try to move forward. I won't do it again.

I don't want to see one more post here with her as the subject. Not one. Make as many posts as you want talking about you and how you feel. Ill read them all day long and answer, but I see one more that revolves around her then I think I will throw this PC out the window!

Sypher, honestly... why do you continue to mess yourself up this way?? One day you see what you have to do, the next day you wonder why she's doing what she's doing, the next day you know you must not have contact, the next you are going crazy because you can't stop thinking about her with another man, the next you KNOW she wouldn't hurt you on purpose, the next she tells you that you are forgetting about the other guy she has her life on hold for, then you know there is nothing you can do about, then you are looking at all the 'signs', then you wonder if she maybe might care because she texts or IM's you... etc. etc. etc...

Look, this girl no longer loves you. Maybe she didn't want to hurt you, she feels guilty, or she's keeping you hanging on so if nothing shakes with this guy she'll have 'Old Reliable' to keep her company until the next hottie comes around. A woman who loves you would NEVER do ANY of this to you! She might say, "Sypher, I have never dated anyone but you and before we settle down I think I need to date others to be really sure that this is the real thing.". She might say, "Sypher, I need some space to figure things out because I am confused." - THEN she would take some time... without dragging you in and out of your heart... and after a respectable amount of time she would suggest you both talk things out and give you her take on the situation.

A woman who loves a man doesn't say she has feelings for someone else, or if it's easier for you to not talk anymore then she supports that. A woman who loves a guy makes him feel happy, warm and special... not confused, sad and hurt! She would NOT contact you knowing that she is hurting you in the process. Honestly, I don't even think she LIKES you!

You know that the only way to move on is to stop the train, but you refuse to do so. You must change your messenger ID's, change your email, block her in any way you can, and refuse any and all contact for at least six months. In that six month period you must make every effort to move on. You need to stop dwelling on her; get rid of all reminders and sentimental things you may own; remove ALL temptation; ensure you are never in a position to be near her physically unless you honestly, truthfully can't avoid it; keep as busy as possible with everything and anything you can.

I will tell you something else... a woman doesn't LIKE a guy to be so darned EASY! So, when you pull back, she probably partly gets scared that you REALLY do mean it this time, AND she is somewhat taken aback that it is so easy for you to back off so she plays the game until she can get you back under control. In the wildest sense of things I guess it is possible (about 0.0000000000000000001 % possible) that she really does love you. If so, the ONLY way you will get her back is to totally back off for an extended period! Remember, you "don't know what you've got til it's gone".

You are going to drive yourself mad, mister! LET GO! We all care here and we are all saying the same thing but you just will not take the steps necessary to move on. Why DO you punish yourself so? Do you have so little self respect that it just doesn't matter? I'll tell you this... if you treat yourself so badly how can you reasonably expect ANY woman to treat you well? You have heard of 'Physician, heal thyself'? Well - "Lover, heal thyself!".

It's time, Sypher... it really is.

Hugs, Didi

Everyone...

Let me make something clear. I feel that the posts I have written have given a bit of a missense of how I have been feeling. What I know and what I am doing hasn't changed. I am still refusing contact with her. I truly am. I am trying to get over this, because I am as sick of feeling this way as you guys are hearing me whine.

I feel horrible that you people think that I'm not taking your advice, or that I am not getting anywhere. I apologize now, and I think it is due to my lack of writing clearly. Its hard for me to express exactly what I'm feeling, and I'm sure some of my posts aren't clear.

Skell, I will admit that I was looking for answers. I guess I am a very analytical person, and I hate the answer to anything to be "just because", but I suppose in this case it is. However, don't think that I am still wishing she was back, or hoping she will call me.

Didi, I will also admit that I do analyze everything that happens, and truthfully I'm not sure how I can stop. I guess what I need to try to accept is that I don't need to know the answers, and perhaps there are no answers.

What I want to get across is that I know I need to let go. I have begun to let go. Since the beginning of this post I've known what I have to do, and I am doing it. I won't sit here and lie to you and tell you that I haven't been upset this week... I have. This week has had be feeling the best I have in a while, and also the worst I have in a while.

To be honest, sometimes I'm scared to post what I want to on here because I feel like you are all getting aggrivated with me. Im getting aggrivated with myself because it is extremely frustrating to be misunderstood. I know it isn't any of your faults, its just tough for me to express exactly what I want to say in words.

Bottom line: I have posted my thoughts, I guess looking for this so called "closure" which I know I will never get. I know ill never understand some of the things that happened.. and I'm not sure why I even ask, I guess its just curiosity. It's the times when I get upset about the whole situation, and just want to chat with someone about it that I find these questions to ask about... from now on ill try to post something more along the lines of how I feel, and not something that happened between us.

Again, my apologies for aggrivating you all. I definitely don't want you to think I'm still stuck here at ground zero not getting anywhere. I truly am, and I can feel it. Part of me is afraid to move on, but all of me knows I have tried everything else.

Sorry to make you all yell

Sorry for another post, I just wanted to post something a little lighter...

With all the help you guys have given me, I think you deserve to hear some of the progesses I have been making...

Two weeks from Monday, I start my new job. Ill be making the most money I have made in my life, and it will be full time, all summer long. Way to go me :)

On top of that, I have been going to the gym rather religiously, and since my break up have lost about 20 pounds, and gained a bit of definition in my upper body. Once I lose about 5-10 more pounds, I think ill be at a weight I can be satisfied with. I was hoping for that by summer, but a month late is better than never :-D...

This morning I had my second exam for the end of the semester... I aced it - easily. Ive got two more next Tuesday, then I get to go home. I can't wait for that. It will be nice to get home with the old pals again (I go to school out of state) and play some paintball and tennis.

So there you have it... Ive got things to look forward to, and thinking about all of them is pretty therapeutic. I've also noticed rereading my old posts see to reignite the feelings for determination to get happy again, something I need every few days...

There is no such thing as closure so stop wasting your time looking for it. It doesn't exist.

Not aggrivated or mad at you. Just trying to make a point. It is OK to express what you are feeiling. That's fine. And we give our advice based on what you tell us you are feeling.
So when we see you thinking about her too much we tell you so.

And you are. Ive been in your shoes. You need to hear it.

Even if you just make a conscious decision to stop talking about her all the time maybe just maybe she will stop being in your thoughts all the time.

Just try it. Try talking about you. What your doing, where your going. Not her. But your transfixed on making everything about her. You won't change her or what she is doing. But you can change what you do and how you think. The mind you have control of is yours. Not hers. So stop trying get inside her and get inside your own.

Only yelling yo try and make you hear.

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Originally Posted by sypher373

Sorry for another post, I just wanted to post something a little lighter....

With all the help you guys have given me, I think you deserve to hear some of the progesses I have been making...

Two weeks from monday, I start my new job. Ill be making the most money I have made in my life, and it will be full time, all summer long. Way to go me :)

On top of that, I have been going to the gym rather religiously, and since my break up have lost about 20 pounds, and gained a bit of definition in my upper body. Once I lose about 5-10 more pounds, I think ill be at a weight I can be satisfied with. I was hoping for that by summer, but a month late is better than never :-D...

This morning I had my second exam for the end of the semester...I aced it - easily. Ive got two more next tuesday, then I get to go home. I can't wait for that. It will be nice to get home with the old pals again (I go to school out of state) and play some paintball and tennis.

So there you have it...Ive got things to look forward to, and thinking about all of them is pretty therapeutic. I've also noticed rereading my old posts see to reignite the feelings for determination to get happy again, something i need every few days...

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Perfect!! Lets talk about you from now. Every day if you like. You can come here and talk about yourself. For goodness sake come on here just to tell us you stood in dog crap and walked it all over your carpet. Tell us anything about you. But stop talking about her.

Just try it. See if it works. But talking about her all the time isn't going to help you move on. Surely that is common sense??

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Originally Posted by Skell

Perfect!!! Lets talk about you from now. Every day if you like. you can come here and talk about yourself. For goodness sake come on here just to tell us you stood in dog crap and walked it all over your carpet. Tell us anything about you. But stop talking about her.

Just try it. See if it works. But talking about her all the time isnt going to help you move on. Surely that is common sense???

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Its funny you should say that beucase I have caught myself purposefully avoiding my old posts because I don't want to bring the issues up in my head again. I guess the same principle applies to my thought process. :)

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Okay, look, Sypher. First of all, I was not 'yelling' at you. I am caring for and about you. We are not tired of hearing you whine... we are tired of hearing you in pain. There is a difference. You don't aggravate us... we are trying to help.

You said that you may be misleading us by the way you write. Try looking at this:


Apr 30, 2007, 10:27 AM

1. "I have been talking with my ex in a friendly manner for a few weeks now." (Huh??? This is refusing contact?)

2. "I would love to remain friends with her. We have been talking once or twice during the week, and would see each other on the weekends sometime." (Again... this is refusing contact? This is beginning to let go?)

3. "I know I am most likely going to be told to disappear and not talk to her at all, but I'm not sure if I can do that knowing she still thinks about us being together in the future. " (You can't disappear and not talk to her because you know SHE still thinks about you being together??? What about "are you forgetting about HIM", "Would it be easier for you, if we didnt talk anymore?", and she said "I dont want that, but if its easier for you then yes". and "she seems to be a different person at school. She told me that this may be because "he" is at school, and she is more distracted by friends")

4. "(she has kissed me, holding my hand, hugging me, etc)" (OOOOHHHH... I get it! No contact again!)

5. "Im starting to get really sick of being upset every single day. For God's sake, three months is long enough." (This is key. How can you NOT be upset if you keep allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated this way? Every single kiss, hug, smile, text, email, suggested promise, mention of 'him', IM, etc. is what makes you upset every day. It just starts the entire healing process over and over and over again!)


May 3, 2007, 08:36 PM

"I am still refusing contact with her. I truly am." (see #1, 2, 4 above)

"What I want to get across is that I know I need to let go. I have begun to let go." (see #1, 2, 3 and 4 above... especially #3)

"I have not called, IMd, emailed, or text messaged her in almost a week now, but she still seems to want to talk to me." (Hmmm... last time I counted April 30th to May 3 was about 3 or 4 days.)

"I feel horrible that you people think that im not taking your advice, or that I am not getting anywhere. I apologize now, and I think it is due to my lack of writing clearly. " (We know that you are getting somewhere, but every single time you take 2 steps forward you have contact and take a step (or three) back! We are trying to help you... keep you on track. I don't think it's due to your lack of writing clearly. I think it's due to your inability to keep the big picture in focus. We are attempting to focus you.)

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Please keep venting here... asking questions... whatever you need! But you WILL get answers... sometimes ones you just might not want to hear.

Look, I'll back off, my friend. I have tried very hard to let you work this out without interfering. But I am beginning to get concerned. Regardless, I don't want you to stop posting, so I will stay out of your threads from now on. Please accept my deepest apologies. I do not mean to upset you - but to help.

Hugs, Didi

Brilliant Didi. Had to spread it though. I hope you take note sypher. And don't get defensive. Look at it in a positive mind set.

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Originally Posted by Skell

Brilliant Didi. Had to spread it though. I hope you take note sypher. And dont get defensive. Look at it in a positive mind set.

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Sorry if my post came off as defensive, that's what I meant by not being able to express myself clearly. That's exactly the effect I didn't want to get :(

When Didi suggested my problem was keeping it in focus, I think she hit the nail on the head. I get upset beucase I start to think about one particular area, generally the good parts, and that upsets me. Without keeping the entire situation in focus, I lose sight of the reasons I need to do this.

I am keeping my positive mind set. Im doing this for me. Im mad about the situation, but I'm more mad about myself for letting myself dwell in the past. By not getting happy, I'm simply wasting more time.

Sorry if I pushed anyone away - I didn't mean at all to act as if I didn't appreciate your input, or that I am getting defensive. I know that some of the advice I have gotten here is not 'happy' advice, but that is what I was prepared for, and it hasn't phased me a bit.

I sincerely appreciate everyone's help

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Originally Posted by sypher373

I just thought of another point:

If the thought of her with someone else still bothers me that much, its obvious I haven't gotten over her. I just dont see how I can get over her, because i can't walk away from an opportunity to have the best thing I've ever had..again.

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When I read this post I immediately thought of this: If someone is hitting you on the head with a baseball bat and isn't stopping, should you stand there and hope that they do, or walk away and heal yourself? If they hit you again given the opportunity, should you ask them to stop or slow down?

By continuing the contact, although the pain is still there and they are openly telling you that they feel for someone else even if that person is moving away, even if there is little chance for them, even if... whatever, their heart belongs to another. They are openly telling you that you shouldn't have hope that you will be together, you are in essence, slowing the pain, but not stopping it. You can't heal a wound if you are still there taking the beating for the mere satisfaction of a few crumbs. You've entered the friend zone. She's talking to you and sharing, but not changing her feelings for you.

You need to walk away and cease completely and totally all communication, for your own survival. It may be hard, and your heart is telling you to stay and at least have her as a friend. But your brain is telling you, if you do, you'll never move on and end up alone. Don't do that to yourself, respect yourself more than that, or no one else will.

You need to be more than her glorified Teddy Bear!

To add to the great post that Momincali wrote, you are torturing yourself hoping for a reconciliation, bottom line. We all understand your pain and your hope of this. We all felt this way about our exes when we were dumped too. But if she is not specifically saying, "Hey Sypher, I regret the breakup and I want to get back together with you and work this out", end it. Exes can be friends only if either both parties are truly over one another, don't want any romantic involvement, and are fine seeing their ex dating another or if one does indeed want the other back but hides it inside and is willing to suppresses their feelings out of fear of "losing" what you pretty much already have lost. So is the second one even real friendship anyway? No. You are not getting what you want here, only torture and confusion instead.

I am not opposed to talking to an ex if you are over it and truly want to be "just friends" or if you are specifically in the process of WORKING THINGS OUT. But is that the case here? Has she mentioned wanting to get back together with you now or is she just talking to you as her "buddy."? Lucky her, she got to dump you and still have all the goodies of your friendship and companionship with no loss on her part. Her guilt has likely even been eased with your "frienship". At least with my ex, he lost my friendship in the deal too. Like you, I tried to do the friends thing for awhile, but I was suppressing my feelings for him and I was analyzing, hoping, and wishing he would say ONE WORD about a reconciliation but he never did. He dumped ME suddenly so he knew that I didn't stop caring for him overnight. I gave him many chances to "say the word" (at my own expense) since I had been badly hurt by him. I finally started to feel resentment for him because he made this selfish choice (which was to dump me for another girl) but still "had" me in a way and I cut off contact for myself. Sure I guess I "lost" him, but he was gone already by his own choice anyway. I just refused to give him what he wanted and seem like I was "ok" with his s**t treatment when deep inside I was not. I don't really see how that was fair to either of us. It wasn't even true friendship anyway, was it?

The point is, I gave him a chance to make a move to get me back, but he didn't. So though I was still hurting, I finally gave up and decided to stop what torture that I did have control over and get on with my life. You have given her chances to make a move to reconcile as well and she is not taking them. Giving up can be a sign of strength not weakness. Again, I am not saying if she were to call and specifically say she wants to GET BACK TOGETHER (and I emphasize this) to not talk to her because you are in some kind of no contact game. She dumped YOU and this other stuff she is doing shouldn't be good enough for you.