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Originally Posted by Alty

I don't agree Smoothy.

Do you not remember being young and in love? We're old married people now, so maybe that's why you think that any relationship that hasn't lasted 60 years, is not worth mourning over, and shouldn't hurt. But it does!

I remember my teens. Thankfully I met my husband when I was 19. That's not the norm though.

But I had a lot of boyfriends in my teens, before I met my husband (married 21 years in May, together 26 years). I wasn't really one to get that serious, not until I met hubby. But, there were boyfriends that I mourned when we broke up. Too many. Even if I was the one that ended it, I missed them. Even if we had only dated for 3 months, or 6 months. I never dated anyone longer than that, it just wasn't me at that time.

But I mourned some of them, others I didn't care less. I remember one boyfriend, that's still a friend today, that I only dated for 2 months. He found someone else, and it was like a knife to my back. It took me a long time to get over him. I was severely depressed, cried all the time. Thankfully my friends forced me to go out, even though going out wasn't fun for me then, and they wouldn't give up on me. Eventually the pain of losing him, hurt a little less, and a little less, and then not at all, but it took a long time to get over him.

You say that it shouldn't hurt because they were only together for a year and 3 months. So when is it allowed to hurt? Is 1 year and 6 months the cutoff? Are you allowed to be hurt then, but not a day sooner? Or is it 5 years, or 10, or 20, or 60? What's the time frame for being allowed to be hurt when someone breaks your heart?

I don't think there is a time frame, so I wouldn't say that it shouldn't hurt because they weren't together for 60 years. It can hurt after only a week. There's no time limit on when you're allowed to feel pain after a break up.

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I remember VIVIDLY being that age...

I've dumped more than a few women in my life... I've been dumped by more than a few women as well ( in fact that group probably outnumbers the ones I've dumped). And more than a few of those were beyond casual dating... and there were a few I dated right around that length of time... some more, some less. She dumped him..thats even MORE reason to move on...remember I've had two girlfriend killed by drunk drivers while we were dating...that's the toughest to deal with...no closure at all. One other because she became a missing person...literally...dropped off the face of the planet. Left everything behind, never heard from again...by anyone.

Maybe that helps give me a different perspective.

What I've seen over the years, first hand and from knowing others... are people that can't get over a short relationship... REALLY aren't going to be able to cope with longer one when it breaks up. And they also tend to obsess to an unhealthy degree over many other things as well.

Can't get past that there will be some grieving period... but this is someone they dated a whole whopping year and some... I've got Vintage ale in my refrigerator a lot older than that.

And this applies in many other aspects of life.

If you sit around saying woe is me longer than absolutely necessary... you are losing out in life because it moves on and leaves you behind.

If it was someone you were married to for years... yeah... that merits more... but even if heaven forbid... you lose a child... (undoubtedly worse than losing even a parent and that is hard to top) there are lots of things a LOT worse than breaking up with someone you were dating. The world doesn't stop... if you want to be leading the race... you have to be participating in it.

Applies to work... friendships... sports... basically everything.

Besides.. learning how and when to let go... is an important part of being an adult. You can't move into the future when you are stuck in the past.

I've also packed up and made major international moves several times where I had to basically start over and make a completely new set of friends... being that was in the days when there was a world outside of your smart phone. Or even 99% of the population ever heard of the internet or email. (yep dating myself here but I had my first email account and internet access in 1981 after I graduated college, and that's not a typo).

Nope everyone isn't the same... there are the strong... and there are the weak... and the world is a very unforgiving place for the weak.

Being shy or weak isn't what you HAVE to be....they can be overcome, it just might take a lot more work and determination to do it for some versus others.

And notice...I didn't say forget....getting over someone is not the same as forgetting. You do get over....but you never forget.

I do get what you're saying, but I have to point out that you're posting from your point of view, from what you've gone through in life. You're not considering that everyone is different.

For some, every relationship, even if it's only for a week, means a lot, and hurts when it's gone. For some, they can never get over losing someone, either by dumping them, being dumped, or losing them to death. Some can date someone, or be married to someone, for decades, and when it's over, they don't care at all. It all depends on the person. We can't personalize it based on our feelings.

My parents died in 2001. I'd be lying if I said I was over it. I'm totally not over it. I've done therapy, done all that there is to do to get over it, and I just can't do it. I want to. I try to. I want to so bad it hurts. I just can't. Their absence in my life is a constant hurt, and I don't think it will ever go away. I want it to. I want to stop thinking about what my life would be like if they were still alive, but all I can think about is how different things would be, how much better they would be. They're not bad, but they'd be better if my parents had lived. It kills me every day. Worse, it kills my husband too, because he misses them as much as I do. He doesn't miss his parents, both dead, as much as he misses mine. They were that wonderful!

Not that breaking up with someone is the same thing, but it's darn close. It's the end of something, the death of something, and sometimes it takes a long time to grieve that loss before you can move on. Thankfully, it is easier than actually losing someone to death, because you know that person is still alive and well. But likening it to death is the best way to get over it, because otherwise you will always have that small hope that because she's still alive and well, you can rekindle what you feel you had, that failed, and will always fail, because it wasn't meant to be. But it's still a loss.

I think we can both agree that jumping from this pain of being dumped, to trying to find someone to replace the girl you just lost, isn't a good idea. He needs to deal with the breakup before he goes out and finds someone new.

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Originally Posted by Alty

I do get what you're saying, but I have to point out that you're posting from your point of view, from what you've gone through in life. You're not considering that everyone is different.

For some, every relationship, even if it's only for a week, means a lot, and hurts when it's gone. For some, they can never get over losing someone, either by dumping them, being dumped, or losing them to death. Some can date someone, or be married to someone, for decades, and when it's over, they don't care at all. It all depends on the person. We can't personalize it based on our feelings.

My parents died in 2001. I'd be lying if I said I was over it. I'm totally not over it. I've done therapy, done all that there is to do to get over it, and I just can't do it. I want to. I try to. I want to so bad it hurts. I just can't. Their absence in my life is a constant hurt, and I don't think it will ever go away. I want it to. I want to stop thinking about what my life would be like if they were still alive, but all I can think about is how different things would be, how much better they would be. They're not bad, but they'd be better if my parents had lived. It kills me every day. Worse, it kills my husband too, because he misses them as much as I do. He doesn't miss his parents, both dead, as much as he misses mine. They were that wonderful!

Not that breaking up with someone is the same thing, but it's darn close. It's the end of something, the death of something, and sometimes it takes a long time to grieve that loss before you can move on. Thankfully, it is easier than actually losing someone to death, because you know that person is still alive and well. But likening it to death is the best way to get over it, because otherwise you will always have that small hope that because she's still alive and well, you can rekindle what you feel you had, that failed, and will always fail, because it wasn't meant to be. But it's still a loss.

I think we can both agree that jumping from this pain of being dumped, to trying to find someone to replace the girl you just lost, isn't a good idea. He needs to deal with the breakup before he goes out and finds someone new.

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Agree, jumping right into something else right away is always a bad idea. Rebound relationships never work. Like getting drunk to get over a hangover.. it just makes facing the inevitable that much worse when it happens. They need alone time before jumping into another relationship, when they have a second relationship they will see how senseless it was to obsess over the first... when all the signs really were there all along it wasn't right. And after a third when they see how NOT right the first two were... eventually they learn to spot when its not working rather than try to flog a dead horse expecting it to get back up. ( and I admit to my share of dead horse flogging in my youth)

And someone that can't get over a failed short term relationship... really doesn't need to be in any others. I do believe some people are just destined to be single for any number of reasons. Some know it right away.. others take a very long time to come to that conclusion. There are a couple of people that fit that description in my circle of friends. Male and female.

Its something I think most if not all people have to learn. Usually the hard way.

I totally agree. Just have to reiterate that pain is pain, and it takes time to get over that pain, and that's exactly what this poster needs. Time. The time it takes will depend on him, and who he is, and how he deals with this.

He'll meet someone else, like most people do, and he'll be thankful that he didn't end up with the one that got away, because it was never meant to be. Every failed relationship I had, no matter how much it hurt, and there were many that hurt a lot, led me to my husband. If I had stayed with any of those relationships, or had stayed obsessed about them, I never would have met my husband, and he's the love of my life.

I have perpetually single friends as well. Funny thing is, the friends I have that are now in their 40's or older, and single, and not looking to date, were never in a serious relationship to begin with. They were always happier single. They never had that drive to find someone else. I have a very large group of friends like this, ranging in age from 35 to recently dead at 80.

I don't think the poster fits into that category.

why can't i ask new questions?

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Originally Posted by zalkarad

why can't i ask new questions?

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You can. Please start a new thread so the new question doesn't get lost at the end of an old thread.