Ask Me Help Desk - How can I possibly still be in love with him?

How... you just stop talking to him, writing him... you start dating others and in time you will forget him.

Setting around pining for him isn't helping yourself move on. You actually have to get up and actually move on...

He's an ex for a reason.....people that insist on trying to keep resurecting a failed relationship nearly always find it was a huge waste of time.....and years they will never get back.

You might both be nice people...you just weren't meant to be together.....thats life.....sometimes it works...and sometimes it doesn't...When it doesn't you move on because you can"t MAKE it work....if it was meant to be....it would take very little work, if it takes a LOT of work...then you just aren't compatible enough for whatever reason...and it can be many reasons.

I finally got caught up with your story. It took me some time to read through it all. Here are some thoughts for you. Some harshness warning for you here.

You started posting from May 2013 and it is now October 2013. During this entire time, he's given you some attention here and there, including talking to your mom about you. That's enough to keep you hooked to him. But is that really enough for you to be in a serious relationship with him?

Think about it, if he's hot and cold now, he's surely going to be hot and cold later. Is that really what you want in a man?

You may think you love him, but what you actually love is if he would settle down and give you full attention instead of being hot and cold. You know what that means? It means you're in love with someone who doesn't exist. If you think he's going to change one day to be with you, then you're actually in love with a fantasy guy.

It is very clear to all of us that you need to stay away and we can repeat it to you 1000 times, but at the end of the day, you need to realize this yourself.

Here's what I suggest to you. Why don't you try to meet as many new guys as possible. There are 7 billion people in the world. Let's say 3.5 billion are men. If you allowed yourself to meet even 200 of them who are around your age and meets your standards, I'm sure you will find at least one who is above and beyond better that your ex boyfriend. We're not going to count people who are under-aged, married or in a relationship. It needs to be 200 single guys who actually meet your basic standards.

Meeting new people is going to be the best way to help you realize that this ex boyfriend of yours is not worth your time.

My god woman how long are you intending to drag this misery out and living in limbo? You think he hasn't been out enjoying doing his thing for the last two months? Yeah he has been gone longer than usual, that's only because you have been counting the days.

Please stop this, so you can get UNSTUCK on false hope.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

How... you just stop talking to him, writing him... you start dating others and in time you will forget him.

Setting around pining for him isn't helping yourself move on. You actually have to get up and actually move on...

He's an ex for a reason.....people that insist on trying to keep resurecting a failed relationship nearly always find it was a huge waste of time.....and years they will never get back.

You might both be nice people...you just weren't meant to be together.....thats life.....sometimes it works...and sometimes it doesn't...When it doesn't you move on because you can"t MAKE it work....if it was meant to be....it would take very little work, if it takes a LOT of work...then you just aren't compatible enough for whatever reason...and it can be many reasons.

Firstly, thank you so muh smoothy. I really appretiate you taking out time to respond to me.

I know I should see and meet other guys. I should. I also agree, that it will help me get a new perspective of things. I will try my best to do so... I will try... I want to get over this whole thing if me and my ex are actually over. Hope that sinks in soon... I don't know why its taking me so long. Sometimes, my thoughts don't make sense to me after a while, thoughts about me a ndhim.

But thank you s much, ivebeen avoiding guys so have Ben making a effort to get to know me on a few occasions.. maybe I should stop ding that and actually just be open to talking to people.. thanks again

Maybe the fact you are looking for love instead of enjoying the moment keeps you stuck in a difficult love mode. That would be holding on to a false hope instead of dealing with your feelings and embracing better options and opportunities. Then there is no fear of being hurt, and letting guys get to know you, and you getting to know them, and enjoying the experience to the fullest.

You heal better from the past when you ENJOY safely the present. Dating others looking for love is such a hit or miss drag in my opinion. If you have fun yet find no love it's still a GREAT time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Maybe the fact you are looking for love instead of enjoying the moment keeps you stuck in a difficult love mode. That would be holding on to a false hope instead of dealing with your feelings and embracing better options and opportunities. Then there is no fear of being hurt, and letting guys get to know you, and you getting to know them, and enjoying the experience to the fullest.

You heal better from the past when you ENJOY safely the present. Dating others looking for love is such a hit or miss drag in my opinion. If you have fun yet find no love it's still a GREAT time.

Thank you again talaniman for your response.. means a lot :)

Yes... I totally agree with what you're saying, makes. Lot of sense. And yes.. many of us really do forget to enjoy the moment. I had become such an intense reaonhip person, that even till date, when I meet someone, the future always strikes first in my mind.

I should, I must realize, like you said... that while I'm being friendly with a new person, there are chances I may find love in the same place. But I should not go with the intension of making that person the love of m life too soon you're right.

I'm going to try and control my thoughts and meet new people and go with he flow while I still can :)

It is DIFfICULt! But I must try :):)

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

I finally got caught up with your story. It took me some time to read through it all. Here are some thoughts for you. Some harshness warning for you here.

You started posting from May 2013 and it is now October 2013. During this entire time, he's given you some attention here and there, including talking to your mom about you. That's enough to keep you hooked to him. But is that really enough for you to be in a serious relationship with him?

Think about it, if he's hot and cold now, he's surely going to be hot and cold later. Is that really what you want in a man?

You may think you love him, but what you actually love is if he would settle down and give you full attention instead of being hot and cold. You know what that means? It means you're in love with someone who doesn't exist. If you think he's going to change one day to be with you, then you're actually in love with a fantasy guy.

It is very clear to all of us that you need to stay away and we can repeat it to you 1000 times, but at the end of the day, you need to realize this yourself.

Here's what I suggest to you. Why don't you try to meet as many new guys as possible. There are 7 billion people in the world. Let's say 3.5 billion are men. If you allowed yourself to meet even 200 of them who are around your age and meets your standards, I'm sure you will find at least one who is above and beyond better that your ex boyfriend. We're not going to count people who are under-aged, married or in a relationship. It needs to be 200 single guys who actually meet your basic standards.

Meeting new people is going to be the best way to help you realize that this ex boyfriend of yours is not worth your time.

Wow:) thank you, I wish! For your generous response!

I will try my best! To try and date :) I think that's the only way out for me. Besides I know for a fact that he's definitely dating too.. at least socially being in touch with other women.. I'm so sure.

Itsnt it funny? How some people can just move on from a relationship with another human in this manner. In such a cruel manner. I don't hate him, he's definitely been through a lot in life... but? What gives them the right to do so?

Anyway, Ive heard he's been livng his life, ding his thing, having his fun...

I know he will realize how he left things between us, and that day when he comes back... I won't be here... I this place I am in right now.. I won't.

:) thank you for your advice.. I will definitely pick up on my boring social life again.

Hii friends!

I just wanted to tell you guys that your advice made so much sense to me.

On a regular basis, after work.. I would be on my way home. Today, I accepted a friends invitation and met her after work. Turns out, I met a lot of common friends... and 'a friend'... I'm not implying anything... I'm only saying... I went out... actually met and interacted with my really old friends after a really long Time.

Turns out... I actually felt good :)

Thank you guys for helping me open my mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anisha N

Hii friends!

I just wanted to tell you guys that your advice made so much sense to me.

On a regular basis, after work.. I would be on my way home. Today, I accepted a friends invitation and met her after work. Turns out, I met a lot of common friends... and 'a friend'... I'm not implying anything... I'm only saying... I went out... actually met and interacted with my really old friends after a really long Time.

Turns out... I actually felt good :)

Thank you guys for helping me open my mind.

And that was your first step into a brave new world... it only gets easier from there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

And that was your first step into a brave new world... it only gets easier from there.

Haha :) I feel it! Thank you :)

And I have one more question to ask... your advice needed please...

My ex's birthday is coming up soon.. do you think I should wish him? Or not? I think you will say I shouldn't... but I'd like to know from the horses mouth :)

Thanks again for being patient :)

Ignore it and him.. if you don't you will be backsliding.

Him! He is over you so you should too! Move on girl! There are tons of boys in this world... You'll find a guy who's way better... so... JUST GET OVER HIM AND MOVE ON!

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Ignore it and him.. if you don't you will be backsliding.

Okay, you're right :) I will ignore it and him!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mashiat

Him! He is over you so you should too! Move on girl! There are tons of boys in this world... You'll find a guy who's way better... so... JUST GET OVER HIM AND MOVE ON!

Hi :) Yes... that's the plan, that's the idea, that's the only thought in mu mind. Its just taking longer than I thought, longer than I had ever imagined. :) But, I will be over him soon... not necessarialy over him... but I know I will stop expecting anything from him... and MOVE ON! With MY life :)

Thank You :)

Hey guys,

I hope you remember my story (as above). I didn't want to start a new thread so there would be continuation and the readers who will read this thread for help with the same situation will know exactly how things turned out.

Ive been doing so so so much better. Thanks to you guys and the advice you gave me, made me so much stronger. I will ever be thankful.

I have a situation now. Same guy, seven to eight months later.

He stopped contact with me VERY abruptly sit to seven months ago. I blocked him from Facebook so absolutely no contact. Deleted his number etc.

Guess who texts me at night? At 2 am to be precise? Im way stonger than before. I see things more clearly now. With regard to dealing with things with my heart and other things. Thanks to all the things he has put me through.

So he texts me, apologizing. First connect after 7 months of disappearing. He also said he wanted me back - and that he isn't attracted to any other woman and that I am the best. SEVEN MONTHS LATER. I thought of him everyday. I haven't dated anyone since.

After all this 20 to 30 texts, I didn't know what to say. I replied saying 'I forgive you'.

This, is where I need your help friends. I need to know if I should say more to him. Im scared if I say more, he will disappear on me again and leave me like an open wound again. Help me? I need to know if I'm doing the right thing by trying to ignore whatever he has told me.

Im trying to assume he maybe had an emotional breakdown and didn't mean anything. He hasn't replied to my 'forgive you' text anyway.

Please please tell me how I should deal with this situation?

Thank You always.

Why take a chance of going back to BS, when things are going better for you? When you are confused make no changes until you are no longer confused. Its an easy decision if its based on FACTS, and not just confused feelings. Maybe not letting him contact you with those late night texts would be a solution to this current dilemma.

You have forgiven him, so leave it at that and see what life brings you. Thanks for your update and glad you are better than you were before and I hope it gets even better.

You really want to put yourself through this all over again? Texting you at 2am...pretty much tells me he was drinking at that point. Why even answer him? His number should have been blocked.

Ultimately it's your life but I've learned my lessons in life and from what I know...what I have been through...you are better off never dealing with him again because you are just setting yourself up to go through this all over, but it will be harder this time around.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why take a chance of going back to BS, when things are going better for you? When you are confused make no changes until you are no longer confused. Its an easy decision if its based on FACTS, and not just confused feelings. Maybe not letting him contact you with those late night texts would be a solution to this current dilemma.

You have forgiven him, so leave it at that and see what life brings you. Thanks for your update and glad you are better than you were before and I hope it gets even better.

Hello, I completely agree with you. I suddenly felt so weak yesterday. But I think I'm better now.. I have decided to not connect with him further. Thank You so much for your response.

God Bless you :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by odinn7

You really want to put yourself through this all over again? Texting you at 2am...pretty much tells me he was drinking at that point. Why even answer him? His number should have been blocked.

Ultimately it's your life but I've learned my lessons in life and from what I know...what I have been through...you are better off never dealing with him again because you are just setting yourself up to go through this all over, but it will be harder this time around.

Hello Odinn7, thank you for replying. So I have decided to not connect with him anymore. And guess what, after seeing your post.. I was about to add him to my blocked list.. and guess what? He has blocked me! How strange. Why would he do that? So so so strange.

Anyway he has blocked me. I guess his aim is to keep my guessing? Right? What do you think is the best plan of action Odinn?

The best plan of action is to do what we've been saying all along...block him, ignore him, delete him, and move on. He's a mess and is just going to drag you down if you keep waiting for him. Find someone that will actually care about you. Don't fall for his games.

WOW. He is a mess . Just forget about him like it was a nightmare . Change your phone number , just move on . You don't necessary need to jump into dating again , just heal , get emotionally better and stronger first . Life is too short to be wasting time like that . It seems to me that he reaches out for you for an ego boost .

Quote:

Originally Posted by odinn7

The best plan of action is to do what we've been saying all along...block him, ignore him, delete him, and move on. He's a mess and is just going to drag you down if you keep waiting for him. Find someone that will actually care about you. Don't fall for his games.

Hi Odinn, turns out he had not blocked me.. he just has not come online since that night. A week. How strange. Just imagine if I had replied/ reacted to the things he said, I would have been hanging there like a fool agaian. Im so glad I was strong enough to not reply to his 2am texts.

I'm not sure if finding someone is so easy, right? But I know I will eventually and someone better someone who is more of a man, a human.

Quote:

Originally Posted by K-Swiss

WOW. He is a mess . Just forget about him like it was a nightmare . Change your phone number , just move on . You don't necessary need to jump into dating again , just heal , get emotionally better and stronger first . Life is too short to be wasting time like that . It seems to me that he reaches out for you for an ego boost .

Hi Kswiss, Thank You for sharing your thoughts. "Lifes to short to sitting around miserable' :) I know I deserve better. I love how life is just unfolding so beautifully. Take care

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anisha N

I'm not sure if finding someone is so easy, right? But I know I will eventually and someone better someone who is more of a man, a human.

No, finding someone is not easy or it shouldn't be. When you are not looking and you don't expect it, someone will come along. Just don't rush things...let it happen when it should happen. Until then, enjoy yourself and do things for you.