Ask Me Help Desk - Falling out with a friend

FOLLOW UP and UPDATE:

Since it's regarding the same friend, I figured I'd keep it in the same thread...

Since my last post I have completely changed my attitude regarding this friendship. We are still friends but I have totally limited my emotional attachment to this friend. I no longer text him everyday or respond to his text immediately as I receive it. I only text him when necessary/important. I don't spend time with him as much anymore nor do I invite him to go out to hang out. If he wants to spend time with me, I let him do the asking. I have backed off from the friendship in a healthy way. If he responds to my text, great. If not, oh well, it's not the end of the world. If he wants to eat out, awesome. If he's busy, oh well, there are other days in the year.

However, regardless of how much I back off from him I still feel somehow that he contacts me only when he needs me. For example, this weekend he asked me to go out of town with him Saturday night when the ferry leaves Sunday at 6 am... and he only asked me because his new friend bailed and he didn't want to go alone. I declined but I did offer to drive him and his friend (who suddenly he was able to talk into going) to the ferry at 5:30 am Sunday. I did not offer to pick them up when they come back at 5:45 am today. The entire time he was gone, not a text, not a word, nothing. I did not make the effort of communicating either because I figured if he wanted to tell me something he knows my phone number. Then, after 2 days of silence he texted me last night (at 10:45 pm which is when the ferry is about to leave to take them home) just saying that the place they went to was beautiful and sent me a pic. I did not respond because I have a feeling this is a prelude to him asking me to pick them up today from the ferry. I responded this morning after I knew his ferry already arrived in town and that they would have already made arrangements for a ride home. I said that I'm glad that the place was beautiful and hope they had fun. He didn't respond.

I don't know if he was mad at me for not taking the bait and opening myself up to be his personal chauffeur but I am tired of being used. I already backed way, way ,way off from this friendship but maybe it's really, really time to cut the cord?

Thanks for reading and any advice is appreciated!

I think your continued discretion toward this person will bear good fruit. :)

I sure hope so. It was difficult at first because my first impulse was to respond. I had to remind myself that I deserve a better treatment than being remembered only when someone needs a favor :)

He definitely uses you, and I think it's great that you didn't respond to him until after his ferry arrived. He probably is mad, because he expects you to be at his beck and call, do his bidding, and you're not longer letting yourself be used. He won't like that at all IMO.

Keep it up, I think you're heading in the right direction with this friendship. :)

Thanks so much for all the words of encouragement. My other friends are giving me kudos as well and telling me that I am finally seeing the light on this friendship. I guess I was just too close that I didn't see it but after I distanced myself, I realized what everyone was telling me all along :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaidjen

Thanks so much for all the words of encouragement. My other friends are giving me kudos as well and telling me that I am finally seeing the light on this friendship. I guess I was just too close that I didn't see it but after I distanced myself, I realized what everyone was telling me all along :)

The best advice I've ever gotten are from people that aren't close to the situation. That's why I love this site.

Sometimes it's hard to accept the advice, or to implement it, but most of the time the strangers on this site can see the situation a lot clearer, mainly because they're on the outside looking in.

Sadly most people don't want to hear the truth, they want us to tell them what they want to hear. You listened, and you're implementing the advice given.

I have a feeling that it won't be long before you completely cut him out of your life. But, that's your choice. I'm just happy that you're not allowing yourself to be used as a doormat anymore. :)

I saw him at work today and he was
Giving me the cold shoulder. I ignored it and just tried to have a work conversation with him and asked him about his trip. He referred to what time he got home today several times and I know he's waiting for me to ask how he got home. I didn't. Then he started nit picking at things I said/did trying to push my buttons to get an argument out of me. I didn't let his actions affect me. I continued calm and collected. I could tell the anger inside him is festering because he is mad that I wasn't at his beck and call this morning. However, I refused to participate in that drama or feel like I have to apologize when I really did not do anything wrong.
Hopefully, he'll figure out that I'm not going to fall for his tricks into making me feel guilty and apologize for this morning.

Good, he seems to have a strange idea of friendship, and boundaries. You both are learning though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Good, he seems to have a strange idea of friendship, and boundaries. You both are learning though.

Yes! I am definitely learning! And the more I distance myself from him and our friendship (note how I don't refer to him as my best friend anymore) the more I am "turned off" by his personality and I am increasingly questioning why am I even friends with the guy.

Funny how things have a way of sorting itself out :)

UPDATE:

Since my last post I have distanced myself from this so called friend or as I refer to him "ex best friend". I still talked and texted with him once in a while but no longer daily and I am definitely not always hanging out with him or be around him. (this is from May until mid June)

However, that changed on my birthday. He promised me that we will go out and celebrate my birthday. It was my birthday so I figured, why not. However, he picked a fight with me on my birthday and made me cry by saying that I am so unreasonable and it's selfish of me for tying up his day by thinking that he would have dinner with me on my birthday. I told him that he was the one who told me about our dinner plans. I didn't ask him to. I just asked him to confirm what time we are going. That was just the last straw! Pick a fight with me on my birthday? Come on... even people I don't get along with don't do that to me.

Needless to say we did not go out. I am resolved at cutting off ties with him so I asked him to pay me back the money he owed me for the concert tickets we were supposed to go to in October. He yelled at me and said that why am I asking him to pay it back now when he thought that I gave that ticket to him. I showed him the text agreement we had where I specifically said that it is a loan and that he would need to pay me back for it (it's a $350.00 concert ticket). He picked a fight again and I ended up just leaving than be yelled at some more.

I was doing my own thing and not even contacting him anymore for anything because I figured that I'd just cut my losses and if he doesn't pay me back then that's just the price I paid for being such a gullible person. I was not going to feed his need for constant drama by having any contact with him at all.

However, my friend Layla, who lives in another town informed me that he was staying at her place for 2 days during the 4th of July weekend. She did not know him (but knew what he looks like because I showed her a pic once) but her roommate was apparently friends with him and he invited himself over there for a weekend of partying. I was just in shock how small this world is for this incredibly random event to occur! What she texted me afterwards just shocked my very core. She said that once my ex best friend found out that she and I are friends, he proceeded to tell her that I am obsessed with him, almost in love with him even though I know that he is gay. Oh I was furious! I was seeing red! I cannot believe the audicity of that guy to say such things! And to think he just met my friend! I can't imagine what he's been telling people that we used to work with (I quit that job in June just so I don't have to deal with him anymore). I have never felt so betrayed in my entire life!

It's almost like since I stopped paying attention to him and I cut off ties with him he decided to do character assassination on me! My first instinct was to post my anger on Facebook, to tell people what a liar he is to save myself from the embarrassment. However, I stopped myself. If I do that then I would give him the attention he craves and since I am mad I would be posting from a place of anger. It will give him the ammunition to tell people that I am creating drama. So I logged myself off Facebook and just basically ignored him. I think that maybe if I ignored him long enough, he will go away.

Is that the right thing to do, though? Ignore him and walk away from all the drama? Or should I try to "save face" by posting on social media about his lies?

You are doing all the right things. Defriend him on FB if you end up having to. Sounds like he wants life as a happy go lucky group hug thing and if you let him down he's going to twist things to his liking.

Thank you! I feel like right now the best thing for me to do is nothing.I mean nothing in a sense that cease all communications with him.

He texted me last night just saying hi and he misses me. I deleted the text and did not respond. I don't know what he was trying to do by texting me after everything he did (spreading lies about me). If he just wants attention and he thinks he can get it from me then I'm sorry but I am no longer providing it.

He probably needed a ride or a favor

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

He probably needed a ride or a favor

Sad, but probably true.

I am leaning towards a favor. I have a feeling he will try to contact me again at some point. Eventually I am hoping he gets the hint (my not responding to his attempts of contact) that I no longer want to be friends with him. If not, I might be forced to actually tell him to stop contacting me.

If you do ever end up in a confrontation and he wants an explanation just tell him you don't like the things he implied to your friends and it makes you feel that he really doesn't know you or respect your friendship

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

If you do ever end up in a confrontation and he wants an explanation just tell him you don't like the things he implied to your friends and it makes you feel that he really doesn't know you or respect your friendship

Thank you! I definitely will.

I asked my friend if he explained why he said those things about me. She said, he said it's because I was always nice to him and that I gave him gifts. I told my friend, I gave him a Christmas gift and little trinkets from my trips. She said she told him that I do that to everybody (because I do, I bring trinkets to my friends from my trips). I was nice to him because I considered him my best friend. Doesn't mean I was obsessed with him. Seems like he doesn't have a concept of what being a friend or having a friend is like.

I really think that he doesn't know me even though he claims he does and I really felt so disrespected many times in this friendship but that last incident was just too much for me to let slide.

Thanks for listening and the input! I really appreciate it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaidjen

Thank you! I definitely will.

I asked my friend if he explained why he said those things about me. She said, he said it's because I was always nice to him and that I gave him gifts. I told my friend, I gave him a Christmas gift and little trinkets from my trips. She said she told him that I do that to everybody (because I do, I bring trinkets to my friends from my trips). I was nice to him because I considered him my best friend. Doesn't mean I was obsessed with him. Seems like he doesn't have a concept of what being a friend or having a friend is like.

I really think that he doesn't know me eventhough he claims he does and I really felt so disrespected many times in this friendship but that last incident was just too much for me to let slide.

Thanks for listening and the input! I really appreciate it!

Cutting off contact is the hard part, but it does get easier, once he gets the message and stops this childish behavior.

He's a user, you know this. You're not allowing him to use you anymore, and he's mad about it, that's why he's starting rumors. You're no longer in his control, and control freaks like him don't like it when the people they think they control, break free from that control. He's attempting to get you back in the fold, and it's not working. That's very frustrating for a control freak like him.

Stay strong. You're a bright young lady, you know what he's doing, and you're doing the right thing. Stick to your guns, don't let him get the better of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

Cutting off contact is the hard part, but it does get easier, once he gets the message and stops this childish behavior.

He's a user, you know this. You're not allowing him to use you anymore, and he's mad about it, that's why he's starting rumors. You're no longer in his control, and control freaks like him don't like it when the people they think they control, break free from that control. He's attempting to get you back in the fold, and it's not working. That's very frustrating for a control freak like him.

Stay strong. You're a bright young lady, you know what he's doing, and you're doing the right thing. Stick to your guns, don't let him get the better of you.

Thank you!

Yes, it was really difficult for me to cut him off because at one point in my life I considered him my best friend. But I know I have to do it because I believe that I am a good friend and have been a good friend to him and I deserved better treatment.

I had to put away pictures of us having fun on our trips and avoid the songs we used to sing to on our road trips. I haven't gone back to our favorite sushi restaurant for over a month now because I don't want to run into him.

I really appreciate the input I received from this board. I don't think I would have had the courage to let go if not for the wonderful messages and words of encouragement from everybody :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaidjen

Thank you!

Yes, it was really difficult for me to cut him off because at one point in my life I considered him my best friend. But I know I have to do it because I believe that I am a good friend and have been a good friend to him and I deserved better treatment.

I had to put away pictures of us having fun on our trips and avoid the songs we used to sing to on our road trips. I haven't gone back to our favorite sushi restaurant for over a month now because I don't want to run into him.

I really appreciate the input I received from this board. I don't think I would have had the courage to let go if not for the wonderful messages and words of encouragement from everybody :)

Any loss is hard. Losing a friend, especially one that played such a huge part in your life, is like mourning a death. There are stages of grief you have to go through.

In some ways it's harder than losing someone to death. A death leaves nothing, you have no options, so you have to deal with the loss and move on. When it's the breakup of a friendship, that person is still available, which makes it very hard to simply move on, cut all contact.

You're doing great. Let yourself grieve this loss, and then find someone that's worthy of being called your best friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

Any loss is hard. Losing a friend, especially one that played such a huge part in your life, is like mourning a death. There are stages of grief you have to go through.

In some ways it's harder than losing someone to death. A death leaves nothing, you have no options, so you have to deal with the loss and move on. When it's the breakup of a friendship, that person is still available, which makes it very hard to simply move on, cut all contact.

You're doing great. Let yourself grieve this loss, and then find someone that's worthy of being called your best friend.

Thank you! Your encouragement has really helped me :)