Ask Me Help Desk - I struggle financially and my rich boyfriend won't help.

Good points all of you are making. We set a nine month timeframe and then he would meet them. Ive never introduced another man to my children as a "BF" or whatever you call it. I guess maybe Im being too overprotective. Anyway, I don't think it will matter and Im happy I waited because after expressing my concerns about his insensitivity toward me struggles he accused me of being a "Gold Digger". I find that hurtful since I have never blatantly ask him for money. I think if your going to be classified as a GD you actually have to ask for money. At any rate he didn't like being told that he has hurt me and took the easy way out by breaking up with me rather than to admit to himself that maybe he was wrong. IDK, but thanks for your comments. :)

I do have to say that as a mother, if I were single, and dating, I wouldn't bring every guy around to meet my kids, especially after a divorce.

I can understand why the OP is reluctant to introduce him to her kids, especially since he's being such an a$$.

Having said that, I still don't believe that he has to pay for anything. Should he, as a decent human being that supposedly cares about the OP? Yes. But he's not obligated to. That's the bottom line. Just because someone has money doesn't mean they have to pay for others to eat or have a roof over their heads. Would it be the nice decent thing to do? No one questions that, but does it automatically make him a creep because he doesn't? That's for the OP to decide.

Personally I'd rather have a poor man that cared then a rich one that stood by watching me and my children starve while rubbing his money in my face. But maybe I'm looking at this too closely. You see, I would never have gotten involved with this guy to begin with, he cares too much about money, and not enough about things that are important. Either that or he's completely clueless.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think the man sounds like he is either totally insensitive or he's a jerk.
If you are dating a woman for 8 months, sleeping with her, how can you not be concerned that she is getting food from a food bank and not just buy her some groceries or ask if she needs anything. That is just common decency. I would do that much for a friend or someone I know of.
Are sure sure he is not lying about his life? Something just does not add up. The man can't be that dense and uncaring if he really cares.

That's exactly what I thought about the food bank thing, but because I said like you that any descent person would offer to help, he saw that as me asking him for money and there for Im a gold digger... idk

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

I do have to say that as a mother, if I were single, and dating, I wouldn't bring every guy around to meet my kids, especially after a divorce.

I can understand why the OP is reluctant to introduce him to her kids, especially since he's being such an a$$.

Having said that, I still don't believe that he has to pay for anything. Should he, as a decent human being that supposedly cares about the OP? Yes. But he's not obligated to. That's the bottom line. Just because someone has money doesn't mean they have to pay for others to eat or have a roof over their heads. Would it be the nice decent thing to do? No one questions that, but does it automatically make him a creep because he doesn't? That's for the OP to decide.

Personally I'd rather have a poor man that cared then a rich one that stood by watching me and my children starve while rubbing his money in my face. But maybe I'm looking at this too closely. You see, I would never have gotten involved with this guy to begin with, he cares too much about money, and not enough about things that are important. Either that or he's completely clueless.

I never felt he was obligated to give me any money, and I didn't ask for any. I agree with you that if you loves someone why would you stand by and watch... idk maybe Im old fashion. I do wish he didn't have money or if we could switch places for like a month and then he could honestly understand what Im going through.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sbvandi

I never felt he was obligated to give me any money, and I didnt ask for any. I agree with you that if you loves someone why would you stand by and watch...idk maybe Im old fashion. I do wish he didnt have money or if we could switch places for like a month and then he could honestly understand what Im going through.

Sadly you can't make someone sensitive. You can't make someone care. He's obviously never struggled before, at least not financially. It's very possible that he just doesn't get it, that he doesn't understand how stressful it is when you get a bill you can't pay and they threaten to shut off your water.

Maybe you should suggest to him that he live in your shoes for a month. It would be a good lesson for him, and may just open his eyes a bit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sbvandi

I never felt he was obligated to give me any money, and I didnt ask for any. I agree with you that if you loves someone why would you stand by and watch...idk maybe Im old fashion. I do wish he didnt have money or if we could switch places for like a month and then he could honestly understand what Im going through.

I have heard "horror stories" from men with money about women they have met and dated, women who expect help with bills, child care, whatever else. The same from women with money who date men who directly or indirectly need/want money, a "loan," something else.

If the bank doesn't trust you why should I?

At any rate I'm sure there are two sides to this - yes, sounds like boyfriend is missing a sensitivity chip (who said that?). On the other hand OP was a friend with benefits - in his eyes. I think two people had two different sets of expectations.

Sad in many ways - I always regret the time I've spent when a relationship doesn't work out but as long as you learn something -

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I have heard "horror stories" from men with money about women they have met and dated, women who expect help with bills, child care, whatever else. The same from women with money who date men who directly or indirectly need/want money, a "loan," something else.

If the bank doesn't trust you why should I?

At any rate I'm sure there are two sides to this - yes, sounds like bf is missing a sensitivity chip (who said that?). On the other hand OP was a friend with benefits - in his eyes. I think two people had two different sets of expectations.

Sad in many ways - I always regret the time I've spent when a relationship doesn't work out but as long as you learn something -

This is kind of what I was starting to get out of this. If his accountant advised against giving you a loan maybe there's more to this than him being an "insensitive" boyfriend. Maybe he wants to make sure you are in the relationship because of love and not his money?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

Sadly you can't make someone sensitive. You can't make someone care. He's obviously never struggled before, at least not financially. It's very possible that he just doesn't get it, that he doesn't understand how stressful it is when you get a bill you can't pay and they threaten to shut off your water.

Maybe you should suggest to him that he live in your shoes for a month. It would be a good lesson for him, and may just open his eyes a bit.

Hate to say it but - just because I think we're in a relationship and we're having sex and going out to dinner doesn't mean you think we're in a relationship.

My idea of a relationship is your idea of a booty call.

This "guy" travels a lot and is out of town frequently - he may have a woman in every port.

I think OP thinks this relationship is a lot more than it is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Hate to say it but - just because I think we're in a relationship and we're having sex and going out to dinner doesn't mean you think we're in a relationship.

My idea of a relationship is your idea of a booty call.

This "guy" travels a lot and is out of town frequently - he may have a woman in every port.

I think OP thinks this relationship is a lot more than it is.

So true.

Sadly we only have her side of the story.

It would be very interesting to talk to the boyfriend in this drama.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

So true.

Sadly we only have her side of the story.

It would be very interesting to talk to the bf in this drama.

Yes, it would be helpful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Hate to say it but - just because I think we're in a relationship and we're having sex and going out to dinner doesn't mean you think we're in a relationship.

My idea of a relationship is your idea of a booty call.

This "guy" travels a lot and is out of town frequently - he may have a woman in every port.

I think OP thinks this relationship is a lot more than it is.

That was my thought.

I think the question when parents with children are dating always is when to meet the children, when to bring them into the children's lives.

I was always uncomfortable until there was a committed relationship.

People who don't want to meet the children may be giving a signal that it's not a serious relationship OR it may be a signal that they are children of divorce and don't want the "uncle boyfriend" in a child's life.

I've never had to face the issue of dating with children, thankfully I'm married to the father of my children, so it's not an issue. I can only base my opinion on that subject by how I feel.

Fact is, my kids are and always will be my family. Husbands sadly come and go, especially in today's society. Lovers come and go as well. But my kids are forever.

I would never subject my kids to boyfriends, if I should ever be in the position where I would be dating, until I knew that the boyfriend was someone I was seriously interested in, and he was serious as well.

Have to spread the rep but I agree Judy. I don't want the "Uncle Boyfriends" in my children's lives either. Thankfully that's not an issue. I hope it never is. Reminds me, I should book a complete physical for hubby. :)

I agree with both of you. Children should not be subjected to boyfriends until there is a serious commitment.
They don't need to see a revolving door of men/women in their parent's life.

I defer to those who have had the boyfriend-meeting-children situation. I have not.

I don't think the children need to meet 'the boyfriend' until it looks like he is going to be around for awhile or more involved in the mother's life. However, they do need to know she is dating. Do not suddenly spring a 'step-father' on the children. The children and the boyfriend deserve a chance to get to know each other without the added pressure of planning a wedding or moving in together.

I realize we are only getting one side of the story, but I think you dodged a major mess. I looked at how he spends money and I get the impression that it is all for show or tax benefits including supporting his ex. Charity is a deduction and 'drinks for colleagues' can be a business expense. I would bet that the ex is a Dependent. A loan for a friend/girlfriend wouldn't be tax deductible.

His thoughts that you should give up working after marrying him are also a red flag. He knows or should know how hard you are working to become a nurse. To ask you to give that up almost immediately after achieving your goal is self-serving for him. It isn't giving you encouragement while you support yourself.

I think you will do much better without the stress he has been adding to your life. Good luck finishing your classes. Whether you realize it or not you are a very strong individual and a great role-model for your children and others.

I figure after 8 months they would both be able to figure out what the boundaries are and if this was going to stay at a friends with benefits casual thing then that should have been made very clear before.

I think all of this building a future stuff was distracting, and premature since words and actions just didn't match. I think even in a casual dating thing, once the sex gets introduced as a steady thing, what self respecting guy wouldn't help his girl without that suspicious gold digger crap.

If he hadn't made a good gesture in 8 months then that should have told the OP to look elsewhere, or better handle her own business. The signs were there, but they were ignored. She even acknowledged it wasn't a committed relationship. At least not a solid one, just casual dating and some booty calls.

The problem was expecting help,and none came but continuing the relationship. Action was required then, but instead it was resentment and as we see this thing ended, because he had more options than she did. She should have dumped him long ago.

I don't see this as being about when to bring the kids into this because it simply never got that far.

Hey, Im back. I want to copy in the email I sent to him, which in turn he said I was a gold digger and then broke up with me. You have all helped so much and I would like your input on this email. To give you a back ground, I mention me birthday and how it mad me sad. The guy named Bri is my ex. Also I talk about a painting for his birthday and his room: I'm an artist and I have paintings in galleries around the country... my side job :) So I painted him a painting of two birds facing each other and their wings and breaks cross forming a heart in the middle, so I spent two days while he was out of town and painted him room and bathroom and bought matching bedding and curtains, it is beautiful. Also I talk of him giving me money, he did a couple times, like twenty or thirty dollars to pay for gas when I went to see him. Also I speak of Jeffery, he's my BFF and I texted my BF with some of these concerns one night. So, I think that's all you need to know before you read this. Let me know if I'm wrong... please be honest.

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hey babe, you are prob wondering why Im not speaking to you. Im going to be honest even though you won't prob understand and maybe thing Im a brat.

Two things have hurt me in the past week or so. I know my financial problem are not your issues and you do try to be an open ear for me when I need to vent.The other day when I got the news of my cable bill I told you I needed to go to the food bank. Im fine with going to the food bank, but my concern is this. Why would you stand by and watch me have to go? If I were in the same situation I would never want you to go to charity for basic needs. I would be embarrassed that I have to means to help but I just stood by and watch you. And on top of that, you sat and ate the chips from the food bank and commented on them being stale. I know you didn't mean anything by this and you were just joking, but it did make me realize that you really have no problem with me eating stale or rotten food. That realization made me think and it does hurt.

The other thing was my birthday. Im sorry if I seem stupid, but I did look forward to sharing my birthday with you. I thought of this guy that put so much thought into our first date, I only assumed that you would put some thought into my birthday. You made no plans and really seemed to be irritated to have to be there. I was upset when I realized that you had nothing planned and I tried to make the best of it. Im not talking about the sex because Im never disappointed with that and that night was amazing. I don't know what I expected but I thought you would've done something besides giving me a card and calling it good, although the card was good. The whole night I felt like I was putting you out. You told me that night before we did anything that you weren't a birthday person and I was hoping throughout the night that you were just trying to fool me because you did have something planned, also you didn't think if I was a birthday person, you only concentrated of the fact that you aren't. On your birthday I didn't have the money for a gift but I did paint you the painting and then did you room. Birthdays are a big deal to me. In the morning I woke up and couldn't breathe but you had the same attitude in the morning as you did the night before. I know your parents were in town and maybe they preoccupied your mind, but I wish you wouldve waited to celebrate if you felt you didn't want to be there. My parents came by on my birthday with cupcakes and sang me happy birthday and then they asked in anticipation what you got me and I said a card and they saw I was hurt. It was also sad that Bri made a bigger deal of it than you did, he brought breakfast and then came by again and brought dinner and a cake and a gift from the kids, but he planned it and it made me feel special. Even a small gift from the dollar store wouldve made me feel like you thought of me and it's that thought that wouldve made me feel good. Maybe you don't get it, but you used to think of me and I felt like you cared.

These things are combined with other concerns I have had in our relationship and its really made me think. I love you so much, but I don't feel valuable to you any longer. I just feel like maybe Im a hindrance for you. I have been trying to figure out how I feel the past couple of days and it all boils down to Im hurt. Im hurt because you seem like you don't care. You always try to tell me what I want to hear, but your actions seem to contradict you. I know you've given me some money lately, and I appreciate it, but I feel like Im putting you out and when you do give it to me I feel that way and I would rather not have it. In the text I sent you when I was with Jeffery the other night I knew what I was saying. The jest of it was that when I need help you don't realize it, or don't care. Like I said in the text I don't want to go on vacation and spend money when I can't pay my bills and I'm stressed about that. I don't want you to pay for a vacation when I can't enjoy it.

I don't really know if Im explaining myself very well. Im not asking you to pay my bills or to give me money, its not your prob. And I don't want our relationship to be based on that. Maybe we need to take a break until I get on my feet... idk. I don't think that will change my perception about value. I want a future with you but I feel like we are on different plains like I've said before. Im happy that you are stable and you work so hard to get there, I just feel like this difference between us is always going to be an issue. I wish everything would fall into place and we would be happy, but I can't get past your insensitive comment sometimes, and I don't even think you realize you are doing it, but you don't understand what I'm going through and Im sick of trying to make you understand. I am trying to remind myself that this isn't your issue its mine. Maybe this is about my insecurities.

I don't want this to make you feel bad but I have been thinking about this for a long time and I've tried to set it aside, but I did start thinking about things more in the last week. Im sorry if this hurts you, I don't want to hurt you. I know you might not understand me and I can't change that. You want me to be honest with you and I think I should be at this point in our relationship. You can take this and shake your head and think I'm being bit**y, but I can't change the fact that I am hurt. I have thought a lot about this and looked to friends and family for answers about whether I should even talk to you about this and they say you may not like what I have to say, but I have to express my concerns and just let whatever happens to happen. Im still very hurt and upset and I don't want to talk about this. You don't have to respond to this I just thought I owed you an explanation about why Im quiet. You can take this and do what you want with it, I don't expect anything. Im sorry for feeling this way and I wish I didn't.

So he broke up with you after reading this email? If he couldn't understand what you were trying to say then it's good you found out what sort of person he is now, before you got too involved.

Good riddance to him. You can do better.

I thought it was a good letter. You expressed your concerns.
Personally I think you are not the only woman in his life and he was not as serious about you as he let on.
I think you have just spared yourself a lot of grief.