Ask Me Help Desk - The blues for rachel

It's one thing where both sides tried their best and it didn't work out. It's another where one side decides for both that there needs to be a break. After reading all these posts, it has empowered and given me the strength to move on.

If the ex wants to get back together, then it should be on our terms, not their's. We are not beholden to them. They left the relationship, not us. This gives them no right to make us their punching bag.

Be strong, LoveJones. You have the power to do whatever you want. We all do. Live life and be happy

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Originally Posted by Madcap710

. After reading all these posts, it has empowered and given me the strength to move on.

I hear you on that.

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Originally Posted by SAB123

Excellent post Chuff maybe if I had a site like this and someone like you telling me this 4 years ago I wouldn't be hear now. This is almost the same thing I'm going thru now but I'm 34. Reading this sound just like my ex and yes she played mind games with me because she new I would be waiting for her every time. And came back when ever she felt readt to come back to her door mat (ME). And for anyone with similier problems read this then read my original question Is my Ex fiance coming back again because yes we were engaged, he didn't have to waste 5 years of his life, alot of money and misery she put me threw. Because that chick sounds just like my ex.

Thanks you for your kind words. If you don't mind me saying 34 is still plenty young and many people never learn. I certainly repeated the same things with different women over the years and it wasn't until I actually stopped and thought about it that every time I did something it got the same reaction no matter which ex it was. If you can learn something from you 5 years then it will have meaning and in the end you'll be a step above her.

The reality is she's going to always be like that, but if you can use that 5 years as a learning tool so that it doesn't happen again you will be in a better position in the sense you grew from the relationship and the breakup. She's never going to grow but her actions although hurtful in the short term could be a huge step in the long term. You will have moved forward and she will have stayed the same.

Wow I only got half way through that paragraph and you seriously need to let her go for a bit you are hanging on way too tight and that is what is driving her away from you and driving you insane to be without her give her the space she needs and if she loves you she will come back but you need to work on if she does come back not being so attatched to her.

Dude, screw this.

Space--? Give her space? Yeaaaah.. I think someone said "go play frisbee"?!

Duhhh OK. Yeah go play frisbee while she's off with guy number 1. And then, when SHE is ready... yeah, then, let her back. That'll make you feel better!

Leave. And leave quickly.

Last October of 2006 my girlfriend broke up with me. Telling me we needed a break for a bit after 2 years of dating. Then a week later she is with some other guy. I found out and she said she didn't plan for it to happen it just did, which I thought was bull. She was 27 he was 22, I was 30 at the time... needless to say she broke my heart bigtime! This girl always talked about me and her spending the rest of our lives together and so on...
Needless to say even though she was seeing someone I tried so hard to fight for her and nothing worked. She always told me how I was so right for her and she would be devistated if we ever weren't together. (we were having some problems towards the end) but never saw the break up coming. I mean isn't a relationship about ups and downs?

So we were broken up for just over a year and I was depressed for a solid 7 months over her, trying to all her and make things right and she would maybe call me occasionally? And of course I always asked to make things work again and she would say not right now. Oddly enough she would make comments like "im going to come back to you, just need some time and when i do we'll spend the the rest of our lives together..house, kids etc"?? I thought to myself... if you know I'm the one for you, what the hell are you waiting for? AND I KNOW THIS Doesn't MATTER... but her friends and other people we both knew would say this new guy was a complete jackass and doesn't see why she was with him and her and I were perfect, nobody liked him was the unanimous response, but whatever. So I pined over her for much longer then I should...

Now to current: back in jan 2008 I was in FL visiting my brother... she kept calling me and I didn't answer. She had went in to the bar that I manage and asked if I was workign then took off once she knew I wasn't there. So when I got back home she was calling and for what ever reason started hanging out? Its been about 4 weeks now. The foist time she had asked me to do something on a Sunday after noon was back in jan and I assumed we would go for lunch and talk, but then her best friend and boyfriend met up with us so I was like, we just started talking and we're already doing couples stuff? So... weeks have gone by and she said she wants to take things really slow? We've kissed and messed around (notyhing too serious) I've tried gettign her to spend the night and 3 times now she will have agreed to doing so then backing out? I've already gotten, I don't feel good, to I'm on my period, to I have to work early in the morning so lets try it again another day. My problem with that is... we've already been together ina relationship for 2 years prior to this...
So we were at a party this past sat night and she was going to spend the night and said she wasn't feeling good after drinking all night and having a blast says she wants to just go home... I was pissed! She was like I will tomorrow night for sure (sunday night) so we go to the st pattys parade and she was like I want to eat and go home to bed.. so I said oh I thought you were spending the night she's like OK fine I will. So we go eat and she's acting all drunk.so we come back here to my place and laid down then after an hour then I try kissing her passionatly and I could tell she was restraining a bit, then I said this would be a perfect time to make love, she says, this would be a perfect time not to be on my period. So she went from not feeling good after dinner to on her period... again! And how can I prove she's not either you know? Then she tried explaining to me how she liikes everything right now the way it is, and wants us to go slow ahhh!! (earlier in the night though I said to her I'm so glad were good friend... being sarcastic, and she said oh, he're more then friends and I said oh yea what are we... NO RESPONSE!! Me! )

My fiends and family are all like what the hell are you doing? This girl broke your heart and your just letting her come right back in to your life? And I know what they are saying and I'm havign a tough time tructing her and just lettign things happen. She's been bringing me around her friends and family, who literally love me and accept me like I'm one of there own. My question is... WOULD SHE BEING DOING THIS AGAIN WITH ME, JUST TO BE AN IN BETWEEN PERSON (TRANSITIONAL PERSON) OR SHOUKLD I LET MY GUARD DOWN AND GIVE THIS A SHOT? BECAUSE TO ME I Shouldn't HAVE TO DO ANYTHIGN AND SHE SHOULD BE LUCKY IM ALLOWIGN THIS TO HAPPEN. THINGS JUST FEEL DIFFERENT AND I Want US TO BE HOW IT WAS, AND HOW CAN I BE SURE IT Won't HAPPEN AGAIN
ALSO HOW CAN I MAKE SURE IM THE ONE CALLING THE SHOTS AND NOT HER, and her trust back??
DESPERATELY SEEKING SOME ADVICE??

I don't have a clue as to what her motivation, or agenda is, but you clearly think things will go back to the way it was, and that's not happening, so back off, and stop being so available to her, and stop with the pursuit of sex period. It has you blind to things you need to see. Put some balance back into your life, with other things you enjoy. After being dumped why are you so anxious to get back what you think you lost, and still let her control the flow of things. Get your nose out of her butt, and smell the coffee.

What happened to the 22 year old? Is he still around?

I'm wondering if she just wants the comfort of the relationship without really wanting it.

Until you understand the break... what lead to it, what lead to the other guy... until that's resolved, you aren't together.

You are playing the role of a butler now. She knows you want her, she knows you are at her service and she gets to make the rules. Even if she isn't being mean... its still not a healthy balance for you.

At the very least, id make her explain why the break happened and why she thinks this relationship is better now than before.

Honestly, I think she might not be trying to play you, but she might be not "all in"... meaning she misses the comfort of the relationship more than she wants it.

You do understand you can write down when she's on her period and determine whether she's full of it and just using this as an excuse... that said, a person shouldn't feel forced into doing anything they don't want... and right now it seems like sex isn't in her mind.

Interpret that as you wish. Maybe she's trying to take it slow. Maybe she's still working things out. Maybe she's not that interested in sex. I can't get in her head.

And you can't get in her pants if she's not interested.

Seems to me there's more than one conflict here that need to be resolved before you even think about the bedroom.

You can never really "trust" your heart, you can only go with the feeling of your hearth, or you can deny your feelings for your judgement.
Or you can review both and make a choice.
But when you go with your heart, there is never any for sure.

OK... so I recently just got back together with my ex-girlfriend.
After 2 years of dating, she dumped about 2 weeks after our 2 year anniversary, kind of messed up. We were arguing a lot but just thought it was typical relationship stuff. After our breakup I discovered there was a new guy in the picture a week later! This was a year ago I was 29 she was 26 this other guy was 22. So...
I was a miserable wreck for almost 8 months over this in EVERY way possible. We worked her and I worked out at the same gym, so I would see her every so often. We still spoke here and there, I always tried to rekindle our relationship at any chance I got to speak to her and she would say she wanted to come back but didn't want to hurt the new guy... (not how she hurted me) which I thought was a load of , but anyway...

So as of January 2008 she strted callign me out of the blue and I had to wonder? Of course I still have feelings for her, but never got over how bad she hurt me. I would say we are kind of datig at this point since jan 15th, but I don't know things just feel different. She's the one who left me and messed up our relationship, yet I'm the one who feels like who's do everyghting to make things right. I made her work for things for like 2 weeks then started just trying to be around her (I hate playing games!) you either want to be with someone or you don't... period. In these past 2 months, I have pushed the sex issue which I think should have came from her. However after 2 weeks of being in full contact of each other again, she came over after work one day and we had a late lunch then styarted kissing really heavy then she wanted me to finger her and rub her breasts... so like an idiot I went with it, rather then saying its not right... but in a lot of ways, I missed the GREAT sexual chemistry I had with her. We were getting into it pretty good and I started to take her pants off and she stopped me saying its movign to fast!. I was shocked! And confused?? Since then... she has come over several times... but has given me the excuse "she doesnt feel well"... "she has to leave soon because she has top get up early" or I will suggest sex then saying "i have been havign a period for 2 months straight" didn't seem to be the case when she asked me to pleasure her. So... two times now she has promised she will spend the night then backs out that night with one of the reasons I just gave in quotes.
I'm getting frustrated, because I'm wondering what she is thinking?? She use to love spending as much time with me in our relationship before the breakup, no I just get excuses. And when you know how you know someone I just feel like when she's with me... shes not really with me (like her mind is on other things) she did state she liked being back around me again and that she wants to take things slow... OK which is fine but what about what I want, and how did I lose control?? I assumed since she's the one who messed up she'd be willign to go along with what I wanted. As far as I can see she's not doing a good job of "realizing" she's sorry she left me

What do I do about this complicated and frustrating situation?
L J

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Just because she is back, doesn't mean its back to the same old thing. Something has changed here, and you haven't caught on yet. Given your history, you have never gotten over her, and expect things are the same. Not realistic. I think she is back because things didn't work out and you are available and eager so why not. Sorry guy, I don't see this working out, unless you both get on the same page, and are going in the same direction. I really don't see that happening, and think you should have given this a lot more thought.

So.ive been back with my ex for about 6 weeks. Not too sure what our status is since she doesn't like to talk about what we are doing. We dated for 2 years and broke up for a year... that was her doing not mine.

We've been doing things a couple would do except for the sex. She has mentioned she wants to take things slow and likes "hanging out" again with me. I mean she gives me the phone calls to let me know what she's doing so on and so on...

So we were out last night... I started rubbign her back she said it was making her hot (temp wise) and to stop... so a while later I was just casually rubbign her leg as we we having a drink at the bar. We were with other couples. She kept shaking her leg... as if to say STOP! But I kept it up until she verbally said something then she never did. She has said a few times she would spend the night then never does, so she stayed the night last night mostkly I think because we were both drunk and my friend was crashing too. Me and her were in the kitchen and I went in to give her a kiss and she kind of shyed away, I got pretty defensive about it. I tiold her I can tell she is not serious about us and we should stop this from gouign further she apologized and said she wants to make things right and then we talked in bed for a few, but I was still upset.

When we broke up she left me for soemone else... obviously it didn't work out... im trying my hardest to make things right again also. I still have a lot of feelings for her or I wouldn't even be considering this. How can I get control of this relationship for the second time. The guy she left me for was much younger then her and she bossed hiom around and I think she got use to that. Me and her hardly ever fought and always had a mutual respect for each other and laughed constantly. Now it just seems I'm waiting for this to fall apart again. Don't want to get in this for nothing. I have tried talking to her asbout this and don't get why she wants top gio so slow? Its not like we have to figure out each other?
I want this to work out, I honestly do, but she has given me every excuse why she can't spend the night or have sex... supposedly a 2 month period because of her birth control... her having to get up early.. then promising another time to stay over only to bail out on me again? What am I doing wrong? After all she's the one who pursued gettign back with me. She knows how I have feelings for her, and as far as I'm concerned she should be lucky I gave her the second chance... please help!!

It is so hard for us humans to just be honest and fess up to stuff. So Love Jones why don't you just come right out and ask her what the issue is with having sex with you. Obviously she wants to hang with you and obviously she has no interest in being intimate with you. It could be as simple as as (I'm not implying anything, just making a point) bad breath or as complicated as she's anti sex but until you actually ASK HER you're not going to know. You can get 100 responses from us in "etherland" and you can speculate for the rest of your life OR you can just ASK HER. If you guys are that close she ought to be able to tell you and if you say I'm ready to hear the real truth... she may fess up but from what you've said sounds to me like it's totally an issue with sex.

Also sounds to me like you pressure a lot for it and from a woman's point of view you're not making points by doing that. She kept moving her leg and you refused to stop rubbing it... she has told you her ground rules include moving slow... but you just aren't willing to abide by her wishes because your needs aren't getting met. All those excuses she gives you are because you keep pressuring her. Why don't you just say, let's talk about the problem because I don't want to continue to see you on that basis if we aren't going to have a physical relationship. Handle it like a grown up but stop accepting her terms then pushing the envelope because that just makes you a pain.
Just my female opinion.

Read Shygrneyzs post again. Ditto. I couldn't agree more with his advice to you.

Fukin women needing space like they are astronauts... lol

She does not want to have sex right away. Is that all you want from her? Because you gave her a second chance, does that mean she should be willing to have sex with you right away? Does getting control of the situation mean getting in her panties again? Getting back together again after a year apart does not mean jumping back into bed, she has already told you that. Were you not going to go along with this from the beginning?
Give her some room or leave her alone.

Its too easy to expect to jump right back in where you left off, but you can't do that. You guys were broke up for a year. You have both grown and changed. You need to treat this like a new relationship. If you actually care about her, you won't be so eager to just jump right back in bed with her. She is being very smart to just take it slow. Don't push the issue. Go at her pace. Honestly, if you don't want to push her away, I would stop talking about sex all together. Let it progress naturally. She isn't a trophy for you to bag. Try showing her the upmost respect and respecting her wishes. Let her make the first moves. Being affectionate is fine, but really pay attention to what she's comfortable with and what she isn't right now. If you love her, you should be HAPPY to wait as long as it takes for her to get comfortable with you again.

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I have tried talking to her asbout this and don't get why she wants top gio so slow? Its not like we have to figure out each other?

Yes you do have to figure each other out. This isn't the same old relationship this is a brand new one. Treat her like she is a new woman. You two have spent a lot of time apart. You need to be patient and take the time to relearn each other.

If I were her, I'd have left to and I wouldn't have come back a second time. Because personally, I hate it when a guy is being touchy and feely and refusing to stop when I know he's catching my subtler signs to stop, I hate being pressured to have sex or spend the night when its just not what I was planning, and I hate it when anyone keeps asking me what my reasoning is for anything. That's me personally, but I don't think it's crazy to think there might be another woman like me out there.

And, you said that you guys had mutual respect. But then something about wanting to be in control again. That doesn't sound like mutual respect to me. That sounds like a guy who wants to control the woman. Maybe you need to think about that.

Bottom line, if she says wait, you wait. You're not some little horny high schooler still learning to keep it in his pants. Pressuring her, and yes, it sounds like you are, is incredibly disrespectful.

After all the good advice and suggestions you've gotten you still are unsure what you should do with this female??

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