Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants a break. I need some help.

Okay, okay. I get it. I understand what your saying and your right. I'm simply a jealous guy. I don't know why. I've never cared for someone like I care about her and I don't want anything to happen to us. And the recent break has me on edge about everything ten times more. But, your right... it was nothing. Just a stupid thing people do when they drink.

Thank you Wondergirl. This actually helped a lot.

If you do go to that college where she is, how will you control her drinking and partying then? Or is she the one who needs to be "controlled'?

As I read this whole thing it occurred to me this isn't about your girl, or being away from her, its about you and your issues and how you handle YOURSELF>

You both are in a transition period, that's what learning and growing is all about. That's what moving from the protected time of high school into the first time freedom is about. That's what your break was about, her dealing with her new found freedom, and you having to deal with her and her new found freedom. I understand how much it takes trying to adjust your thinking to what you are going through. I really do, but recognize that its not about what she does but how you handle it, and despite YOUR fears, she is going to explore her new world, and you have to let her. She has been honest so far, and that's a good thing, as even through the break she still shared and cared, and that's another good sign so far.

What you need to do is learn to cope with your feelings in a more positive way for yourself, and not let them get you carried away or act or talk impulsively. People will do what they do, especially when they are young and learning and growing. Don't make issues , or worry about what could happen, just be focused on what does happen. I know its hard to let go of some feelings, we all have no control over them, but what's most important, is what we do about those feelings that counts most.

Now you can let the jealousy take over, and dictate your actions, or you can think twice about why are you jealousy? Deal with that before you project it into your actions.

Anyone with a female they were attached to would be jealous just because you are not there and you fear what she is doing, or what others are wanting to do with her. Yes jealousy, has its roots in fear, and no matter what you feel, you are just like the rest of us because we all have those feelings. Everyone of us humans. Some cope better than others.

You will cope better as you grow, once you have learned about yourself and how to deal with yourself. As a very emotional guy, I can tell you that even now, I sometimes struggle with making sense of my feelings, and not let them get me so carried away that it adversely affects my thought, words, or actions and stops me from seeing the reality that has to be dealt with, in a calm thoughtful way. This allows me to see reality and judge what has to be done, from FACTS, and not just feelings.

I guess my whole point, is get facts, and give them a lot of thought, BEFORE you act, or speak. Just like you make mistakes and have to regroup and learn from them, you have to figure so will she and sometimes we can't prevent that, only deal with it. You are a lot luckier than most though, as such transitions from high school to college is a relationship breaker, yours has not been, so just take it one day at a time, and keep yourself under cool, calm, control, at all times. So you can deal with reality, and not just be fighting a losing battle with YOURSELF. Things change all the time, whether we want them to or not, and you have to change also, and make the right adjustments to your thinking, and actions, so you can survive.

Life is but a process of events that you have to deal with, and self discipline is the tool to cope with whatever changes you have to make, and the feelings that ALWAYS comes with them. That means if you see things about yourself you don't like, be willing to change them. If you don't want to be jealous, change it in yourself.

Its all about how you deal with YOURSELF, because that's the only thing in the whole wide world you have any control over. You are totally powerless to control anything but YOURSELF.

Threads merged

So, Me and my girlfriend both have the ability to log onto eachothers Facebook accounts. We have always allowed this to happen, because we trust each other and want to be completely open. Anyway, I hadn't logged onto her account in years and today she mentioned that her room mates were talking about how our arrangement for our accounts is weird and she disagreed. So, my curiousity got the best of me and I went on... Now, don't say this is me being untrusting or anything. It was a brief thing, no longer than five minutes. I don't really care what she is talking about to her friends and such, if it was a big deal she would talk to me about it.

ANYWAY, as luck would have it about 2 hours before I logged on I saw a message from a guy who said that he thought she was cute. She has never really talked to this guy, he was in English with her and they recently began talking in groups with her room mates and her friends. Nothing weird, just one dinner and a conversation on Facebook between three of them. So, because I can't control my jealousy I decided to be dumb and tell her it was bothering me. She wasn't mad about the me going on her Facebook part, she was mad how I reacted and that I thought it was a little strange. She freaked out at me, I apologized, she was still obviously mad when she logged out.

Now, I have no doubt that this will simply blow over tomorrow. But, I just need to know... Did I have the right to be jealous a little? Was it a smart move to tell my girlfriend that this was bothering me? And how can I cope with little bits of jealousy like this in the future? I trust her, its just I can't help but being jealous. I've always struggled with this issue.

COMMUNICATION!!

You need to sit down with your girlfriend and have a heart to heart conversation. Explain that you understand that she is going to have conversations with other guys, her girlfriends, etc --however that you just don't feel comfortable with her having conversation with some guy that obviously feels he can come right out and say she was cute. That there are boundries to every relationship. I am sure she wouldn't appreciate you having conversation with any woman who has come right out and state she tought you were cute.

Then if I was you--I would stay out of her personnel Facebook account!! I would tell her that she needs to change her password so you don't feel the need to step over that line again.

I will say this that I have seen more couple break up due to one or the others insecurities oh like Jealousy!!

Take care

I think it's wonderful that you and your girlfriend are open, honest, and communicative.

Perhaps you overreacted, and if you feel like you did you should tell her so and apologize. However, if you felt jealousy or discomfort, you have a right to at least examine the reasons via introspection. If it's something you feel you should explain to her after you've examined your feelings, then you do have a right to say so and to feel the way you do.

Sometimes people have irrational emotions, but the key is to find out for yourself why those feelings are there and be able to rationally express them if they need expression. It's when you express yourself while you're still feeling irrational that it becomes a real problem.

Best of luck!

She apologized this morning about the whole thing, and explained that she didn't know why she got all worked up over the situation. I was pretty calm when I talked to her, and I was probably over analyzing things. I mean... Its not like she said he was cute, or did anything that would betray my trust. She can't control what other people say, so unless something like that happens I'm not going to worry about it.

I would have been very upset too if my husband made me responsible for what another person says. I would be upset if my husband even implied that I was not to receive compliments from anyone but him. I love it when he gets compliments. We even give compliments to others. It doesn't take away from what we share between us and if it brings a smile to someone else then that is terrific.

You are bothered about one acquaintance/new friend telling her she is cute because the person is male. Are you going to check to make certain that all of the females who compliment her are heterosexual? What if he turns out to be homosexual? Sounds kind of silly doesn't it?

Do you really expect her to go through life only complimenting you?

You have jealousy issues. Do not make your insecurities her responsibility. Accept that there are things neither of you can control such as what a third party says. Keep the lines of communication open between you. Trust that she has the ability to tell-off those who need to be like she probably does everyday. Do not ask her to tell you about every person who gives her a compliment. Don't get upset if she tells you about one that made her feel good. Be happy that she is and agree with it. The friend says she is cute-tell her that 'yes, she is' and if possible give her a smile to show you mean it.

I am glad you are working things out. However, do not dismiss her feelings or sweep them under the rug because she apologized. Her 'over-reacting' means that there is some irritation with your show of jealousy. It may be that she has been picking up on it and you have been letting it show more than you realize.

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NukeNC

So, Me and my girlfriend both have the ability to log onto eachothers facebook accounts. We have always allowed this to happen, because we trust eachother and want to be completely open.

Nope.
Trusting each other would be not knowing the password and not caring about it, let alone logging on. I'd give it a try.

I agree with pandead, if there's so much overwhelming trust in this relationship, why do you feel the need to see what's up in her Facebook? That sounds more like validating your trust. Like.. "okay, there's nothing suspicious on here- I trust you!!" I don't agree that that's the ultimate definition of trust, but to each their own I suppose. Either way, you do have jealousy issues with such a simple compliment! It wasn't her fault, and you did overreact here. It'd probably be best to change each of your passwords to prevent any further jealousy issues from happening in the future. It's pretty simple, if you trust each other, then you trust each other. No need to get all fancy about it.

Quote:

Now you can let the jealousy take over, and dictate your actions, or you can think twice about why are you jealous? Deal with that before you project it into your actions.

This is what I posted before on this subject. I think had you just given it some thought you would have let it go. This wasn't worth a reaction, or a second thought, and even though she apologized, its to many events such as this that can make nothing into a big ole argument about... nothing.

So, it didn't work out. A week ago, she came to my house and told me that this wasn't working for her anymore and that she wanted to break up. She was very firm in her decision, and said "I would like to get back together at some point, but you said you don't know if you want to if this happened" which is true. And part of the reason I'm not hung up on her, I mean... of course I am. But, its not going to stop me from moving on. My real reason for bothering with typing this is... after you've heard the whole story throughout this thread... do we really have a chance to get back together? Or did she just tell me that to make the blow a little bit easier? I'm sure as hell not going to wait until summer and then take her back. I'm not going to be the guy she can come crawl back to, after she had her fun. **** that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NukeNC

do we really have a chance to get back together? Or did she just tell me that to make the blow a little bit easier?

We girls are taught by our parents and even have this innate desire to not be mean, to want people to like us, to not be the bearer of bad news (without lacing it with a bit of honey). So, yes, she said this to make the blow a bit easier.

She will always remember you and the good times you had (and may someday have to really dig into her memory bank in order to remember why you two broke up). She'll remember your full name and your good points, but she has moved on with her life.

Remember her with the same good feelings, but you move on too. And thank you so much for coming back here to tell us the end of the story! We hear so many relationship woes and fling ourselves into a poster's thread and his very life, but never find out what happened. We know you will be okay and wish you well.

Honestly, I'm not ready to give up yet. We haven't talked since the break up. I'm not ready to accept this. I know, this isn't the best way to go about things... but after a month passes, I want to talk things out and see if there is a chance to work things out. I want to see if time is what she needs, I plan to go completely NC during this time and see what happens.

If she still feels the same way when the time comes, then this will be over for good. Its not fair to me to stay around for when it convienent for her. I know that I probably shouldn't do this, but I don't feel like I have closure by hearing her say that she wants to get back together. I need to know. Surely you can understand that? I'm not going to beg, I'm not going to cry, I'm going to simply tell her that I miss her, and still love her. If she isn't ready... then I'll cut my last thread of hope.

I know deep down, that this isn't the best way to go about doing things and I should move on. But, after 4 1/2 years... I can't just move on without being 100% sure that we are over for good.

Okay then. You'll report back at the end of March?

Yeah, she comes home for vacation on the 21st. I want to do this in person... not over the phone. So, yes... Sometime at the end of March, I'll tell what happened. Maybe not right away, depending on the results though...

Why not right away? You're not going to hold out on us, are you, and make us sweat?

No, I just meant that I didn't really feel like doing anything when she broke up with me. I've slowly been beginning to return to my normal routine. I may not be online for a few days and such, while trying to get over it. But, I'm not counting my chickens until they hatch. We'll see how it goes when the time comes.

So, I have a new problem that has arose... A buddy of mine that goes to college with my ex called me up today, they are friends and he asked her to dinner at the cafeteria to see if he could figure out what went wrong. Keep in mind this was his doing, I in no way influenced it.

She told him she still loves me and wants to talk to me but, doesn't want to end up making things worse. But, the way she said things... it doesn't seem like she has any intention of getting back together. She said things like "I would like to get back together some day but I can't see into the future" and it will be awkward if he ends up coming here for college. Now, I know that if I don't talk to her... we don't stand a chance. But, if I do talk to her there is a good chance nothing will change and I'll just end up regressing back to day 1, not that I've made a lot of progress anyway. I want to work things out so badly... but, if there isn't a chance of us getting back together what's the point of throwing myself out of the line again?

Doesn't matter what she told him, you know what she told you. So forget the third party update. Tell your buddy to stay out of your business.