Stop looking for love to replace the hole in your soul. This is probably the biggest mistake we make after a terrible heart breaking break up. That only adds to the misery, and pain, and no healing can start until you reject the idea of someone to have to relieve the loneliness.

Instead focus on rebuilding a life that you enjoy, filled with people and activities that make you happy. You don't look for love, you let it find you, and until it does, you pursue your own happiness, with good adult fun.

In this way you won't look at every guy as a potential partner as you heal, and can enjoy life for what it is, a fantastic journey with many options, and opportunities to explore.

Its only through a proper healing will you learn to be happy with yourself, and depend on yourself to be happy, and not put the burden on some guy to rescue you from your loneliness, misery, and pain of the past.

This is how you let go of past baggage, (unpacking the misery) and look forward to the future, free of the things that have made you miserable.

Only then will you be ready to embrace, and enjoy what life brings you next. I know its hard to believe, but that's how it works, you make new memories to replace the old, and look forward, and not back.

Its not about looking for a new love, or relationship, but getting a life that you enjoy.

Seemed nobody has yet given in to euro salary and bright cove. I am asking the same thing because I was offered a job in Ireland as store manager. I don't have an idea at first as how they get my information..

Thanks for your advice! Its been over a year I'm still not over him. When will the day come that I will wake up and not think about him? I still miss him and would love to see him again! Maybe I might send him an email to get some things off my chest! When he went back to his country he sent me a faw e-mails but I never replied I was in shock. So 4months went by during this time, I was seeing someone on the rebound. But actually started to not think about him and didn't look at his Facebook or go on line msn. This guy on the rebound made me feel speciale took me to expensive restaurants and romantic weekends away. So I was beginning to think wow! Maybe there are decent guys out there! He was very respectful and generous. Until we were supposed to see each other for the weekend and his phone was turned off for 6days. I was worried sick and emailed him and sent a couple of texts. He finally had his phone back on and answered. I asked him what happened he said he was in trouble with the law an dhe was in prison all week. I found that hard to believe but gave him the benefit of the doubt. I saw him the next day and asked him some questions and he said don't you believe me I said chill out he was driving and looking very angry on the way to his place. When we got to his I didn't mention it any more we watched a dvd and fell asleep. The next day we made love but for him it obviously wasn't! Then he showed my his gun saying its for protection for his house as he was rich etc! That freaked me out but he was chilled about it. After he said had some appointements that day so said he was going back in to town and at the same time drop me off at my place and after he could pick me up, go to the cinema and have dinner and go back to his place for the rest of the weekend. I said fine, but I was kind of upset! Then in the car we laughed and joked and kissed at each traffic lights until we arrived at my place he kissed me and said see you later I'll call you when I'm finished. I said sure, bye! Guess what he didn't call me I tried to call at 1am in the morning and he didn't answer so I tried the next day his phone was turned off, so I left a voice message saying I hope you sorted out you business and just letting you know, I'm not available this weekend see you in the week some time. He knew how important it was for me to let the person know or leave a message if you have other plans. So after that I never ever heard from again. He was such a coward for someone like him he has his own business and reputated man but yet he didn't have the guts to tell me. Anyway, I didn't call him auray!! I'm learning but after 1month of nothing I sent him a text saying "its a shame things turned out this way, I felt we had a beautiful thing! was it real? looking foward to your response! It wasn't a surprise that he didn't reply! Close friends were also surprised as they thought he was the perfect gentleman and really good catch fo me especially after my ex! But i guess not well i went in to depression for a few weeks. But not as bad as it was for my ex, speaking of my ex (i bet you are all sick of him)lol! After the rebound guy split my ex sent me an email funny how the timing was saying, "I really thought you would have asked me how I'm doing, I thought you were better than that! Anyway I guess I made the right choice! Ciao!
I didn't reply and a week went by and I was on msn and he was too he said "i see you're happy (he saw profile photo of me on facebook drinking a cocktail with a big smile) I wish you a very good life!" I said I wish you a very good life too and went off line I was so strong then and hurt by the rebound guy! After that about a week later I went back to obsessing for my ex again! Facebook etc.. Now we're in July and still not right! If you guys can give me your opinions and thoughts and wise information, thank you!
I think also my career path has been zig zag all my life. I always changed jobs after 1year to the most, It can have a positive side to it, I have a lot of experience in many areas but now I feel unstable and don't know what country I want to settle down in so how can I start a new career change if I leave anyway to a different country?

Have a great weekend everyone!
Seville

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by seville

Thanks for your advice! its been over a year i'm still not over him. When will the day come that i will wake up and not think about him? I still miss him and would love to see him again! maybe i might send him an email to get some things off my chest! When he went back to his country he sent me a faw e-mails but i never replied i was in shock. So 4months went by during this time, i was seeing someone on the rebound. But actually started to not think about him and didn't look at his facebook or go on line msn. This guy on the rebound made me feel speciale took me to expensive restaurants and romantic weekends away. So i was begining to think wow! maybe there are decent guys out there! He was very respectful and generous. Until we were supposed to see eachother for the weekend and his phone was turned off for 6days. I was worried sick and emailed him and sent a couple of texts. He finally had his phone back on and answered. i asked him what happened he said he was in trouble with the law an dhe was in prison all week. I found that hard to believe but gave him the benefit of the doubt. I saw him the next day and asked him some questions and he said don't you believe me i said chill out he was driving and looking very angry on the way to his place. When we got to his i didn't mention it any more we watched a dvd and fell asleep. The next day we made love but for him it obviously wasn't! Then he showed my his gun saying its for protection for his house as he was rich etc! That freaked me out but he was chilled about it. After he said had some appointements that day so said he was going back in to town and at the same time drop me off at my place and after he could pick me up, go to the cinema and have dinner and go back to his place for the rest of the weekend. I said fine, but i was kind of upset! Then in the car we laughed and joked and kissed at each traffic lights untill we arrived at my place he kissed me and said see you later i'll call you when i'm finished. I said sure, bye! Guess what he didn't call me i tried to call at 1am in the morning and he didn't answer so i tried the next day his phone was turned off, so i left a voice message saying i hope you sorted out you business and just letting you know, i'm not available this weekend see you in the week some time. He knew how important it was fo me to let the person know or leave a message if you have other plans. So after that I never ever heard from again. He was such a coward for someone like him he has his own business and reputated man but yet he didn't have the guts to tell me. Anyway, I didn't call him auray!!! i'm learning but after 1month of nothing i sent him a text saying "its a shame things turned out this way, I felt we had a beautiful thing! was it real? looking foward to your response! It wasn't a surprise that he didn't reply! Close friends were also surprised as they thought he was the perfect gentleman and really good catch fo me especially after my ex! But i guess not well i went in to depression for a few weeks. But not as bad as it was for my ex, speaking of my ex (i bet you are all sick of him)lol! After the rebound guy split my ex sent me an email funny how the timing was saying, "I really thought you would have asked me how i'm doing, i thought you were better than that! anyways i guess i made the right choice! ciao!
I didn't reply and a week went by and i was on msn and he was too he said "i see you're happy (he saw profile photo of me on facebook drinking a cocktail with a big smile) I wish you a very good life!" I said i wish you a very good life too and went off line i was so strong then and hurt by the rebound guy! After that about a week later i went back to obsessing for my ex again! facebook etc.. now we're in july and still not right!? If you guys can give me your opinions and thoughts and wise information, thankyou!
I think also my career path has been zig zag all my life. I always changed jobs after 1year to the most, It can have a positive side to it, i have alot of experience in many areas but now i feel unstable and don't know what country i want to settle down in so how can i start a new career change if i leave anyway to a different country?

Have a great weekend everyone!
Seville

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The rebound guy sounds like a nut. Sorry, but you can do better. If he calls tell him to BUZZ OFF. Remember this Ted Bundy was charmimg and good looking.:eek:

Seville,

May I suggest you go back and read Talaniman’s last post? Read it slowly and really try to understand and digest what he is saying. In fact, read the entire thread over a few times. Each time you may pick up something new - but pay attention to how you respond. Your responses keep coming back to the men in your life.

Until you work on yourself, you are going to pursue the wrong men for the wrong reasons. I feel as though you just want to tell us your story (which has some value as far as unburdening), but are you really listening to the responses? It’s time to stop thinking about men and your past, and start figuring out what to do with your present and your future. Your number one priority should be to heal yourself, starting with the damage done by your father’s actions and your parents’ divorce. You need to start valuing yourself as a person, not base your value on the men you attract. This is about you – not the men in your past.

Iraq.. might be nice (kidding) India... would be great. I've always wanted to go there!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Stop looking for love to replace the hole in your soul. This is probably the biggest mistake we make after a terrible heart breaking break up. That only adds to the misery, and pain, and no healing can start until you reject the idea of someone to have to relieve the loneliness.

Instead focus on rebuilding a life that you enjoy, filled with people and activities that make you happy. You don't look for love, you let it find you, and until it does, you pursue your own happiness, with good adult fun.

In this way you won't look at every guy as a potential partner as you heal, and can enjoy life for what it is, a fantastic journey with many options, and opportunities to explore.

Its only thru a proper healing will you learn to be happy with yourself, and depend on yourself to be happy, and not put the burden on some guy to rescue you from your loneliness, misery, and pain of the past.

This is how you let go of past baggage, (unpacking the misery) and look forward to the future, free of the things that have made you miserable.

Only then will you be ready to embrace, and enjoy what life brings you next. I know its hard to believe, but thats how it works, you make new memories to replace the old, and look forward, and not back.

Its not about looking for a new love, or relationship, but getting a life that you enjoy.

---

Thank you for your kind words of advice! I know its true about the hole I have in my soul which could have healed if I hadn't spent 3yrs and more with my ex who destroyed myself confidence, but I guess I let that happen instead of calling it quits. I did love him and still do. I only have myself to blame thinking it could have worked I think I tend to feed myself with hurt and pain and that's what keeps me going. Today when I see how it is and was, its like a tonne of bricks falling on me and instead of trying to forget him, I latch on to it because once I let go I'll be faced with complete emptyness. My brother was in town yesterday and came to see me. Unfortunately he feels empty too! We kind of spoke about our past he said he doesn't know who he is or what nationality he is! I'm starting to understand what has happened over the years. Due to not making something good of myself and staying with men that didn't correspond to my needs. An absent father and a mother that left to marry her toyboy, in the middle of my schooling!! I ended up staying somewhere where there was no hope in jobs, now I'm so frustrated because I had so much potential but didn't do the necessary! I didn't feel supported! You are right leave the baggage behind but how do you start! I'm not getting any younger! I do activities and have some friends so what else is there to do? If I wait for a guy to come to me I'll wait for ever sometimes you have to make it happen, or make the first move, as some guys are shy! I'm not looking for a potential partner just a boyfriend to start with. Right now I don't really want anyone as I'm not completley over my ex!!

Thanks for your responses!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by seville

Thankyou for your kind words of advice! I know its true about the hole i have in my soul which could have healed if i hadn't spent 3yrs and more with my ex who destroyed my self confidence, but i guess i let that happen instead of calling it quits. I did love him and still do. I only have myself to blame thinking it could have worked I think i tend to feed myself with hurt and pain and thats what keeps me going. Today when i see how it is and was, its like a tonne of bricks falling on me and instead of trying to forget him, i latch on to it because once i let go i'll be faced with complete emptyness. My brother was in town yesterday and came to see me. Unfortunately he feels empty too! we kind of spoke about our past he said he doesn't know who he is or what nationality he is! I'm starting to understand what has happened over the years. Due to not making something good of myself and and staying with men that didn't correspond to my needs. An absent father and a mother that left to marry her toyboy, in the middle of my schooling!!! I ended up staying somewhere where there was no hope in jobs, now i'm so frustrated because i had so much potential but didn't do the necessary! I didn't feel supported! You are right leave the baggage behind but how do you start!? I'm not getting any younger! I do activites and have some friends so what else is there to do? If i wait for a guy to come to me I'll wait for ever sometimes you have to make it happen, or make the first move, as some guys are shy! I'm not looking for a potential partner just a boyfriend to start with. Right now i don't really want anyone as i'm not completley over my ex!!!

Thanks for your responses!

---

I'm sorry but the qualities you're seeking in a man are just fantasies.
No man has all those qualities you are looking for (except my husband and you can't have him) Start looking for men who are in the same league as you and settle for one.

Seville,

I hope Tal will come back and address your response. In the meantime, I'd like you to think about this. It's important that you heal yourself from the trauma you faced with your parents, and the best way to do that is through counseling. I know you can't afford it now, but you mentioned you might be able to start again in September. Try and make that a priority.

To give you a few things to think about, it will be important for you to work on what's inside of you. To have a healthy long-term relationship, you have to be fundamentally happy and healthy. Men may be attracted to a pretty face and a nice figure, but that does not hold their attention long-term. They are looking for a woman they find equally as attractive inside as out.

I can tell you that a way to deal with your emptiness and frustration is to take positive steps. That could be as simple as taking a walk everyday and reflecting on life. If I were you, I'd try to paint a picture in your mind of what you'd like to see your life become. The point is defining what you want. I'd suggest that #1 on your list is to forgive yourself. Accept that you made mistakes and you are now ready to do the work needed to change your life, assuming of course that's the case. When you know what you want, you will have a better idea of how to get there.

Good Luck and let us know how you are doing. Hang in there and we all hope you do great!

This may sound cold but you have become comfortable in your misery. It's like an old pair of shoes that needs to be discarded, they are raggedy, they do not match anything you have, you don't even like them anymore but they're comfortable, they're molded to your feet.

You say you still love this old boyfriend after a year and it keeps you from moving on. You are in love with the idea of him and as long as you love that idea, you don't have to move on, you want to, but the idea is still comforting. (that old pair of shoes)
Throw them away. They are no longer who you are. Go for walks, read books, get a different set of friends or make new ones. Ask yourself what to like to do, make a list of things that make you happy and start doing them. I think you will discover that you are a different person than you think you are you just have not allowed yourself to take your feet out of those old shoes.
The truth is, you will change when you really want to. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will clean out your closet and start replacing your old things (thoughts, habits, insecurities, desires... )with new ones.
I wish you well.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

This may sound cold but you have become comfortable in your misery. It's like an old pair of shoes that needs to be discarded, they are raggedy, they do not match anything you have, you don't even like them anymore but they're comfortable, they're molded to your feet.

You say you still love this old boyfriend after a year and it keeps you from moving on. You are in love with the idea of him and as long as you love that idea, you don't have to move on, you want to, but the idea is still comforting. (that old pair of shoes)
Throw them away. They are no longer who you are. Go for walks, read books, get a different set of friends or make new ones. Ask yourself what to like to do, make a list of things that make you happy and start doing them. I think you will discover that you are a different person than you think you are you just have not allowed yourself to take your feet out of those old shoes.
The truth is, you will change when you really want to. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will clean out your closet and start replacing your old things (thoughts, habits, insecurities, desires...)with new ones.
I wish you well.

---

Hello Home girl!

Nice way of describing the way things have turned out. Yes those shoes are very mouldy, but they're getting polished at the moment before I throw them out.:)
It has been a year but 6months since he had to go back to his country! Sometimes it takes people longer to get over someone they loved dearly. Its not a habit its genuine feelings. You might think its crazy to be still in to him, but that's who I am. I said in my last posts, I move on the best I can, but thoughts of him come back every now and again! I will try to do more things to help me move forward like joining the red cross and making new friends.
I feel now my state of mind is completely different to who I was before and wished I could have been the same way as I am now, when I was with him. I'm disappointed, I see things differently now, and should have been more chilled out and not so dramatic at times it didn't help, damn it! I guess it was due to my eduaction and up bringing of the past that made me in to a not so cool:cool: girl!!
Tonight I was watching TV and a full documentry came on all about his country. I watched it and cried half way through it. Just by seeing the people and their way of life, it just reminded me of him and what could have been...
Its been 1 week tomorrow that I haven't been on msn but felt weak to go on today but didn't. I bought a book today that I'm going to get started on. The weekend is always the hardest alone, friends are usually with their boyfriends and girlfriends, staying in or too tired.

Well by for now!
Thanks for your responses!

Well instead of polishing the shoes, throw them out. What you did in the past is in the past. How you behaved in the past is in the past, you can't do anything about then, but you can walk in a new day today.
Whatever mistakes you made with him in the past, determine to change that for the future.
The way you were treated in the past is past, you can't change it, but you can walk in a new way today if you choose to.

I wish you well.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Just Looking

Seville,

May I suggest you go back and read Talaniman’s last post? Read it slowly and really try to understand and digest what he is saying. In fact, read the entire thread over a few times. Each time you may pick up something new - but pay attention to how you respond. Your responses keep coming back to the men in your life.

Until you work on yourself, you are going to pursue the wrong men for the wrong reasons. I feel as though you just want to tell us your story (which has some value as far as unburdening), but are you really listening to the responses? It’s time to stop thinking about men and your past, and start figuring out what to do with your present and your future. Your number one priority should be to heal yourself, starting with the damage done by your father’s actions and your parents’ divorce. You need to start valuing yourself as a person, not base your value on the men you attract. This is about you – not the men in your past.

---

Hello Justlooking! Hope you had a very good weekend!

I reread Talaimans post and it is sinking in I do realise that its about men because I was looking for love in a man that I lacked from my parents and their weird choices. Maybe it was too much for the them ! These last few years, Instead of making and concentrating on a good career and progressing, I just stayed at the bottom because I didn't feel good about myself! With my ex it took so much energy out of me because you would be wondering what's going on when he wasn't there, because of his track record and helping him with his problems. Why did he put all that on me if he knew he wasn't going to stay with me or whatever, but how come I still miss him? I could go on about this forever! I'm sure you are all bored of reading more or less the same posts.. sorry!:o I think I need your advice to be drilled in to me so that I will eventually get over him!
I'm trying to figure out what career path to take.. I have a few ideas. Its just feeling lonely as all my friends have all gone away on holiday and I have some financial difficulties to sort out! Its not vey rosey for a girl of my age! Today is very dull outside so I have a little blues! It will pass!
One day I will write on here and everything will be hunky dorey!!

Lookingfoward to your replies!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Well instead of polishing the shoes, throw them out. What you did in the past is in the past. How you behaved in the past is in the past, you can't do anything about then, but you can walk in a new day today.
Whatever mistakes you made with him in the past, determine to change that for the future.
The way you were treated in the past is past, you can't change it, but you can walk in a new way today if you choose to.

I wish you well.

---

Hello Homegirl! Thanks for your post!

I'm trying my hardest to throw them it, I need a bit more time!
I know the past is the past, but why didn't I see it coming? That's part of life!! I wish I didn't make mistakes with my ex every time I break up with past exs too! I always say I will not make mistakes with the next boyfriend but I do I end up making them again! Maybe I get too comfortable with the guy instead of keeping some distance?

Well have a nice day!

Seville what sort of things interest you? Where do you want to be in a year... five years... ten years? What things do you want to change about yourself... what personal goals do you have?

Hi Seville,

I'm glad to hear that you are thinking about all of this and feel an understanding coming. I think there are really two separate issues here and you need to treat them separately or you are just going to get overwhelmed and not deal with either issue.

One of those issues is figuring out what to do to have a better future. I touched on it earlier by suggesting that you paint a picture of what you want your life to be like. KC stated it quite well in his post - where do you want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc? What are your goals? Forget about the men for now, and just address those questions. Once you have goals, you can then figure out how to make them happen. You can start simply and expand them as you start making achievements, but you need someplace to start.

The second issue is of course about the men and your need for love. It seems your focus has been on this issue, and you've let the other one be ignored. If you can focus instead on what you want in life and making yourself a stronger, better person, I think there's a good chance you will find that this issue becomes less important. You have to love yourself and become more confident, and that will make you more attractive at the same time. If you've spent time reading other threads, you will see a lot of advice that people not get into a new relationship until they work on themselves first. The whole reason is to build a more confident self that knows what she wants - which will also avoid the mistakes you have been making.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Just Looking

Hi Seville,

I'm glad to hear that you are thinking about all of this and feel an understanding coming. I think there are really two separate issues here and you need to treat them separately or you are just going to get overwhelmed and not deal with either issue.

One of those issues is figuring out what to do to have a better future. I touched on it earlier by suggesting that you paint a picture of what you want your life to be like. KC stated it quite well in his post - where do you want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc? What are your goals? Forget about the men for now, and just address those questions. Once you have goals, you can then figure out how to make them happen. You can start off simply and expand them as you start making achievements, but you need someplace to start.

The second issue is of course about the men and your need for love. It seems your focus has been on this issue, and you've let the other one be ignored. If you can focus instead on what you want in life and making yourself a stronger, better person, I think there's a good chance you will find that this issue becomes less important. You have to love yourself and become more confident, and that will make you more attractive at the same time. If you've spent time reading other threads, you will see a lot of advice that people not get into a new relationship until they work on themselves first. The whole reason is to build a more confident self that knows what she wants - which will also avoid the mistakes you have been making.

---

Hi!
Thanks for your advice, you made very good points and I am greatfull. I know I need to focus more on my likes and dislikes in every area of my life. I have hobbies that keep me busy and it is my passion but to make a career out of it is not possible! For my career I didn't and can't get an amazing well paid job because I don't have the highest diploma and its very hard for me with the language barrier to do high studdies in this country. Even for the people living here find it very hard too. The people that graduate here also can't find jobs adapted to their diplomas or not paid enough. Or they often say you're too qualified for the job which makes it impossible. So they end up leaving the country to find better jobs in a different more open minded country.
The quality of life is good here and I'm starting to get too comfortable here instead of making progress I'm not! I 've contacted a job where I used to work 2years ago on a short mission working in fashion, they said to send on my C.V. After the mission instead of staying on I left as I had another job opportunity but I took a gamble because now the other job couldn't keep me on with the resession. This job appeals to me more than before and maybe I will get the chance to move up, It would be great if could go back with them they said at the time my work was very good, so will see if they have jobs available as well!
Two days ago, I went on msn I know not good, but I have friends that wanted to talk on there so went on. After a few minutes my ex came on line, I didn' talk to him but I got the feeling he wanted me too! He went off line and back on line a few times so I would see his head pop up every time but I resisted thinking if he wants to say hi, he will because the last time he was at work and couldn't talk so I didn't want to bother him! I was on for 2hrs or more and then he went off line and changed his name (cos he has a nick name) and came back on line and then off again! So Weird!! What do you think of that? Huh! I didn't go back on since as I have thought about him again due to this! I was feeling sad and lonely today!

Well bye for now!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Seville what sort of things interest you? Where do you want to be in a year...five years...ten years? What things do you want to change about yourself...what personal goals do you have?

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Hi, I have no idea where I want to be or where I will be even in 1 year! Help:eek: Every time I try to do something in my life it backfires... I will have more ideas in a few months maybe of what I will be doing for this year! That's why its very frustrating!! Things I should have and could have done in my early twenties, I don't think its possible or logical to do those things now!! So settling for anything doesn't suit me I want better and good things! But, I'm not getting any younger...

Thanks for advice!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by seville

Hi, I have no idea where i want to be or where i will be even in 1 year! Help:eek: Everytime i try to do something in my life it backfires... I will have more ideas in a few months maybe of what i will be doing for this year! Thats why its very frustrating!!! Things i should have and could have done in my early twenties, i don't think its possible or logical to do those things now!!! So settling for anything doesn't suit me I want better and good things! But, I'm not getting any younger...

Thanks for advice!

---

I think you're putting constraints and limitations on your own life. It is never too early to start a career. Millions of people get fed up with their lives, go back to school and start over again. It is a better option than hating and regretting your life for the next 50+ years. You owe it to yourself to at least contemplate rebuilding a new, more fulfilling life.

I'm in my late twenties and just recently started a career that I am satisfied with. I'm what you would call a late bloomer.