Ask Me Help Desk - Cut off contact with woman to get her back?

John you have made us proud and done something for yourself that will carry you far... stood up for yourself in a very positive way. No cryin'beggin', or drama just okay and go about your business. I bet she goes NUTS waiting for a call that won't come. If she calls you... please keep us in the loop. Congrats dude.

Yep, it is so weird, but as soon as I found out that it did not work out with the other guy, all that jealousy went away, but at the same time I started to really feel the anger towards her. I was idealizing her so much because she was unattainable, but now that she is a single girl again and apparently available, I have lost much of those feelings for her. So now the not calling her is much easier--what's the point of further contact? I don't even want her as a friend anymore after this sh*t.

First let me say Congratulations. You stuck to your guns, knew this wasn't good and got out. So many people get caught up in this game for years and some for life.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Yep, it is so weird, but as soon as i found out that it did not work out with the other guy, all that jealousy went away, but at the same time i started to really feel the anger towards her.

Good. Hopefully you can use that anger to your advantage and realize that she isn't worth the time or energy you've given her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by john_doe

I was idealizing her so much because she was unattainable, but now that she is a single girl again and apparently available, i have lost much of those feelings for her. So now the not calling her is much easier--what's the point of further contact? I don't even want her as a friend anymore after this sh*t.

It sounds like once she became available again, you suddenly "got it" that you were always going to be the back up plan. You also realized that she's not the prize you made her out to be since she so easyily came crawling back.

All in all nice job, and it's good to see the results of a poster at the site. Thanks for bringing it full circle.

Update: Over the past week since the old dude left, she has called me at work a few times and emailed me. On Sat night, I was out with friends, already a little buzzed, when she called and said she wanted to do something. So I said sure, you can come meet me and my friends. She came to the bar and met up with us. After she came, I spent the entire time talking to an incredibly hot female friend of mine and basically ignoring her. After about 30 minutes, she put on her coat and said she was going to leave. I told her I would walk her out, and when we got outside she got really upset with me and said I had been ignoring her. She looked like she was about to cry. I of course do still have a weakness for her, so I said okay lets me you and go somewhere else to hang out and talk.

We went to another bar and actually had a pretty good time together. She was all over me, kissing me, hugging me, telling me we should have dinner this week. I was very standoffish. Did not really kiss her back or touch her at all. She asked me to come home with her, and I said no that is probably not a good idea. Then she invited me to lunch this week at her work and started crying when I did not say I would come. I basically didn't say anything about it and changed the subject.

I know everyone here will tell me that I made a mistake hanging out with her, and it probably was, but it seems that she still has feelings for me and that confuses me a little. I am still not calling her at all. I am not making any plans at all with her. But I do feel like I maybe am keeping my options open with her. I am still resentful towards her for how things went down, but there are still feelings for her inside me that aren't going to go away overnight. Is it bad to adopt that mentality? (i.e. that I am open to exploring things with her down the line but for now just avoiding her and getting on with life?)

Cut your losses now - otherwise this situation will get more out of hand and I am afraid you will end up hurt. Good luck.

Dude... I am going to be a complete a-hole...

You are officially a complete idiot for having anything to do with this troubled, freak woman.

You are what we call a 'door-mat'.

Be a man and have nothing to do with her.

She plays you like a fiddle. Wake up. Are you really this dumb? Desperate?

Not to be different, but to see her play her games, should have opened your eyes to her deceit, and how far she is willing to go to put you back in her pocket. Now is the time to close this chapter permanently. Her feelings for you are FALSE, and you should know that from your last encounter. No more excuses, as action on your part is required. Disappear from her life.

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Originally Posted by john_doe

Tal: I am not mad at you at all--honest and objective advice is what i am looking for and i appreciate your response. Thanks for the b**** slap, i needed one today. She does have some sort of sexual hold over me, no doubt, but i am becoming angrier with her every day. I think resentment of her for all this will help break the spell. She has told me time and again over the last few months that she feels guilty about sex with me cause she likes this old dude, but she seems unable to resist when i put the moves on her. She never initiates it, but she certainly goes along with it. This is no dopey high school girl--she is a 31yo woman, i thought she at least had some clue. I actually felt bad at times for initiating it, like i was taking advantage of her--but that seems so ridiculous now that i have had time away from her to consider it more calmly.

Never mind her for a moment. LOL
Just how many ways can YOU spell G-A-M-E-P-L-A-Y-E-R, John Doe? LOL :rolleyes:
Like Tal said, last I looked hanging tough with a game player makes you, oh yeah, LOL... a game player too!

You need to read Post #19 here

So this was going on…..

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Originally Posted by john_doe

I was out with friends

Who have stood by you through thick and thin.

Then this happened…..

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Originally Posted by john_doe

when she called and said she wanted to do something. So i said sure, you can come meet me and my friends.

Thus showing her and your friends that you value them on equal par. Except your friends didn’t screw their father’s best friend for 3 weeks well you waited like a helpless puppy. But still she is on equal par with your friends.

But even though you were all together you still managed to hold some ground because this was going on….

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Originally Posted by john_doe

After she came, I spent the entire time talking to an incredibly hot female friend of mine and basically ignoring her.

But that wasn’t good enough for her so she left and you finally let her know that you didn’t need her.

Or this happened instead…….

Quote:

Originally Posted by john_doe

I told her I would walk her out, and when we got outside she got really upset with me and said i had been ignoring her. She looked like she was about to cry. I of course do still have a weakness for her, so i said okay lets me you and go somewhere else to hang out and talk.

Thus dropping your friends and making the woman who kept you away for 3 weeks while she openly told you she was screwing another man a priority.

Quote:

Originally Posted by john_doe

We went to another bar and actually had a pretty good time together. She was all over me, kissing me, hugging me, telling me we should have dinner this week. I was very standoffish. Did not really kiss her back or touch her at all. She asked me to come home with her, and i said no that is probably not a good idea. Then she invited me to lunch this week at her work and started crying when i did not say i would come. I basically didnt say anything about it and changed the subject.

Wow she threw every emotional trick in the book at you. And it worked.

Quote:

Originally Posted by john_doe

I know everyone here will tell me that i made a mistake hanging out with her, and it probably was, but it seems that she still has feelings for me and that confuses me a little.

It confuses you because you want her the way you imagine her being, not the way she really is. You’re holding onto hope. The rest of us, with no emotional attachment see the reality.

Quote:

Originally Posted by john_doe

I am still not calling her at all. I am not making any plans at all with her. But i do feel like i maybe am keeping my options open with her. I am still resentful towards her for how things went down, but there are still feelings for her inside me that arent going to go away overnight. Is it bad to adopt that mentality? (i.e., that i am open to exploring things with her down the line but for now just avoiding her and getting on with life?)

Yes it’s bad to adopt this mentality! If your house was on fire would you run back into it? No because you could get burned or the house is no longer stable. Well she’s the house and you keep running back to her, she’s not stable and you keep getting burned.

Despite three pages, lots of wise words and a magnanimous display of chuffing, I don't think he'll turn out to be any more salvagable than she is for the time being. Remember how the universe works -- gamers with gamers make a kind of sense and usually last a long time driving each other crazy... just like they like it. I am not saying this sarcastically. Look around. It is how it works. Nothing needs to be done here, truth be told.

When you have done the best you can,?