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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think all anyone has to do is read what this young lady wrote. The abuse is so obvious. He uses words to controls her.
To advise her to sit down and talk to him is dangerous. The minute she stands up to him, says something against his treatment of her, he will in all likely hood hit her. She will not confront him because she is afraid of him and she feels unworthy of an opinion.

Any woman who has been abused or knows one who has been abused recognizes the signs, and that are all over this young lady's post.

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Yep and she'll be so shocked when he hits her the first time... she will not know what do and he'll use that against her. Slap the first time, then he'll use his fist or his boots. I hope she see's this

I have to spread the rep, but you are right KitKat22. He'll tell her she pushed him to do it.

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Originally Posted by thadevilsadvocate

....and you have all successfully just wasted two pages of not even addressing her original question. It is pretty clear she is not emotionally prepared to leave, so instead of bickering over attempting to read the future ans acting as though you KNOW what his next actions are going to be, why dont you spend that time and energy addressing the op's original question. you are all jumping to conclusions and your arguments are as factual as calling a red apple, green. he is controlling but is not abusive and has shown no signs of even considering to bw physical. you need to quit stereotyping just because he is military....no matter what angle you view this from or how you trained you are in this area.....in no area of expertise is stereotyping and assuming acceptable.

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Actually, I feel we are addressing a very important detail that the op was either afraid to include in her post, or just hasn't let herself think about yet. This is something she NEEDS to be aware of, even if it means FORCING her to think about.

ALL the red flags for physical abuse exist. He just hasn't gotten to that point, yet. He's waiting for an excuse.

I'm going to ask you the same question I asked hung. Would you be able to live with the consequences if your advice causes her to get hurt? If you telling her to stay and tough it out and talk to him causes him to beat her and the next time we hear from her is a friend saying she's in the hospital? Would you be able to live with knowing that your INSISTENCE to ignore the warning signs the rest of us have seen got her injured, or worse?

I hope to all the gods that you wouldn't be able to live with that knowledge.

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Originally Posted by thadevilsadvocate

...then the advice you giving her, in regarsa to considering leaving him should be based solely on the likelihood that his issues with being verbally abusive may never change.......we have evidence that he is verbally abusive and can support our reasoning with that information.....regardless of being trained to kill, if being military had anything to do with the likelihood of being physically abusive. then we wouldnt have too many military men left in the military.

SO perhaps she should consider leaving because he is verbally abusive. and that advice is just.....but to attempt to advise her beyond that. would be unjust and elementary.

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Yes, our advice is based on what may happen. The consequences of doing otherwise are just too great. If we ignore the red flags and she ends up getting hurt because of OUR oversight, we wouldn't be able to live with it. If we ignore the red flags, it won't be use who has to pay the consequences, it'll be her.

In cases like this, it's ALWAYS better to assume the worst. If we don't, and the worst happens, then it's OUR fault for ignoring the signs. That's a burden we refuse to bear.

If this girl is fortunate she will only be physically hurt. My experiences are a little bit different from most of the folks here. This man does not sound like a bully. Svengali is the more appropriate description. There are a great many of these types in the alternative lifestyles community that actively subjugate people using just these techniques and turn them into slaves.

TRS, run while you still have your mind.

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Originally Posted by Catsmine

If this girl is fortunate she will only be physically hurt. My experiences are a little bit different from most of the folks here. This man does not sound like a bully. Svengali is the more appropriate description. There are a great many of these types in the alternative lifestyles community that actively subjugate people using just these techniques and turn them into slaves.

TRS, run while you still have your mind.

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You need to get out as soon as possible.

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Originally Posted by trs22

How do i get through to his heart in an argument. He is the sweetest most endearing man when he is happy, but whenever he is mad he is so hurtful....how do i bring out his tenderness????

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I dislike saying it, but you can't. That isn't what he wants and this whole relationship is about him getting what he wants. He wants you to want him to be happy. If you want him to be happy, then you will do ANYTHING to keep him that way even if it means endangering your own well-being emotionally, mentally and, probably some day, physically.

You cannot change someone who does not want to change. He doesn't. He is encouraging you to want to change to please him. Your begging, pleading, crying, etc. are just what he wants to see. It means that you are giving yourself up to his wants. You are giving him control over who you are as a person.

If you walk away in an argument (fight) and don't let him have his way, he will either dump you faster than you can blink or he will become physical.

Personally, I think he already has escalated to the physical level. I just don't think it is anything as overt as hitting or slapping. I am guessing grabbing your arm if you turn away while he is ranting. Grabbing your chin to make you look him in the eye. Squeezing your elbow or hand to the point of hurting as you walk down the street and he thinks you are checking out some other male. He may even have shaken you a time or two to get his point across. Not hard-just enough to get your attention.

In good conscience, I cannot find a safe way for you to stay in this relationship. To me, your mental and emotional well-being are being assaulted and you are losing what makes you unique and ultimately you.

If he doesn't treasure the wonderful person you are, then he doesn't deserve any more of your time. There are people who will love you as a whole person and would enjoy building a relationship with you.

You will never be able to stop his anger. He feeds off that anger and it makes him feel like a big man when he hurts you.
Don't make the mistake a lot of women make by thinking you can fix him, you can't. He likes you under his thumb doing his bidding.

Please leave and start another life while you are still young. Don't be one of those women you see on TV sobbing and saying ,"I
can't leave I love him too much". Don't be another statistic of becoming a battered woman... Get Out... :)

I really hope she comes back and let's us know what she decided, and that she's OK.

I really just want to know how to help him deal with his anger. I know he would never ever hurt me. I have been abused both sexually and physically by my father and other men my mom was with. He knows this and I know he wouldn't ever put me through that physical abuse. I don't doubt that he loves me. His mom yells ALL the time, and they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right? I just want to help him overcome this. I'm afraid that if I go to him to discuss it, he will instantly become defensive and angry. I know that I love him desperately and want to be with him. He is the sweetest most loving generous and caring man when he isn't upset about something. I just want to know how to help him when he IS upset to understand ME and how to speak to me, and be able to be vulnerable and loving even in those situations.I'm not perfect and I've said my fair share of hurtful things. I have made my mistakes. I just wish he didn't hold on to them/

I really don't think he's going to change the way he treats you for the better. He's already made it clear that he doesn't care about anything you say or feel.

He knows what you've been through, and yet he makes no effort to be understanding and treat you better. That says a lot about him. And none of it is good.

Honey with him knowing all you've been through, if he was so wonderful, you would not be asking this question.
A man who loves you will treat you with respect. He will not be angry with you all of the time. He will not put you down.

You can't make him be something he is not and you are not responsible for his ugly behavior.

You can't change him. You can't help him deal with his anger if he doesn't think he has a problem with it.

Yes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as you put it. However, it is statistically known that women who were abused as children by the men in their life, tend to gravitate toward the same kind of man as they reach adulthood.

I really don't want everyone to think him a bad man. He is a good-hearted strong-spirited individual. I love him. The last argument we had ( the day before I posted this... concerning my gay best friend) he told me he would try to be more "warm" to me when we argue or what-have-you. I am so thankful for all of your kind words, and support. Every one of you has blessed my life in some way, in helping me feel less alone. I really just want to be able to help him through this. I am just afraid to approach him on the problem because I'm afraid he will get defensive and angry and hurt and leave. That is NOT what I want. I want a loving, understanding, supportive and uplifting relationship with HIM and him alone. I just don't think he realizes the damage of his words and actions. I want to open his eyes to my heart, and help him see the hurt that he is capable of causing so he can learn not to do it. I don't know what to do. I've decided that the next time he gets upset at me, I will approach the situation in the same calm, understanding, loving fashion as I have been trying to, and if he continues with the condescending hurtful comments and belittling treatment then well, I know. I know what to do. Pray it doesn't come to that. I really hope God speaks to his heart and opens his eyes to this. I have so much love to offer him. I just know that he is stubborn, and doesn't want to seem vulnerable, and he is obviously very passionately upset over some of these things, so I want to share in that passion with him, but in a positive way. I want to respect him, and understand him, and make him happy in this. He just needs to know how to go about expressing his concerns without becoming what he becomes. I really think he feels that is his only approach. Like nothing will be accomplished otherwise. Or maybe he embraces those passionate moments with me. Like its some sick sense of intimacy because in the end we come together with so much love. I really hate feeling this way.

And thank you all,dear ones, for your kind words and support. I've never experienced such compassion and support from total strangers. Thank you.

To go along with J_9
Abusive mean are drawn to weak and abused women. They know these women will not fight back, they know these women will accept this behavior.

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Originally Posted by trs22

and thank you all,dear ones, for your kind words and support. I've never experienced such compassion and support from total strangers. thank you.

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Your welcome.
The people here do care. Please give the advice given some thought

I wish you well!

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Originally Posted by trs22

and thank you all,dear ones, for your kind words and support. I've never experienced such compassion and support from total strangers. thank you.

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Hun, we try to take care of our own. We give advice from experience. Many of us have been in your shoes. We know what happens down the road and we are trying to protect you from those dangers.

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Originally Posted by trs22

I am just afraid to approach him on the problem because I'm afraid he will get defensive and angry and hurt and leave. That is NOT what I want. I want a loving, understanding, supportive and uplifting relationship with HIM and him alone. I just don't think he realizes the damage of his words and actions. I want to open his eyes to my heart, and help him see the hurt that he is capable of causing so he can learn not to do it.

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I sincerely hope you don't find out that he does know and understand what damage he is causing.

You are focusing on the arguing. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

He is also controlling who you can be around and who you can talk to. That puts it on another level from yelling because that is all he knows.