Hey 4.

I know what you're saying. If you're like me, your anger might stem from blaming yourself about the end of your relationship. This is natural and I'd like to think everyone goes through this (dumpees). The key thing is not to let the anger consume you. If it does, you will either lash out at yourself (doing self-hating things), at others (driving away friends), or most dangerously at your ex (which opens up new levels of hurt). Channeling your anger into construcutive projects help a great deal, whether going to the gym, doing a hobby, or using it as a (very powerful) motivation to change yourself. If you control your anger, rather than letting it control you, you'll see that you can use it to positive ends. Eventually, your anger will fade, and you will have made progress to boot!

I suggest working out. Exercise makes you feel better and if you really push yourself then you forget about everything else for awhile. I'm not a runner but when I lift I get a natural high that I think is a "runners high." If you don't like lifting then do cardio. Just do something. Walk if you have to.

Like Allheart I believe that anger has other things behind it. Hurt is definitely a part of anger. Frustration, probably because you feel stuck there. And the big daddy feeeling that loves to hide behind other feelings, fear. Fear maybe that you don't know how to process things like other people and never will. Or maybe that you'll never get what you want. If it is that, I am telling you now that is a BIG FAT LIE. It is important to get at what it really is, I think and for all humans that can take a bit of digging. We don't always tell ourselves the rock bottom truth about what's going on. And when we get to it, it often isn't a truth we've been telling ourselves either - GO FIGURE!

I saw your threads before, 4answers, and wanted to say something about what I have seen people with anger issues do. With help mostly, they found they could learn and learn they did and when they got done learning a few simple things, OMG what different people they were and effortlessly too! They learned that not knowing how to deal with anger constructively wasn't their fault, for starters. They were taught by people who didn't know any better too. But as adults, we are all free to change whatever was lacking in how we were raised. And so they learned and were set free from their pasts and their frustrations and their limitations. And you can be too.

Where I live there are anger management classes that I am sure you could attend. I think you just might be the only one there voluntarily but hoorah for that!! People are "sentenced" to them from domestic violence cases. But do not let that slow you down, pass go and collect $200 anyway! No, wait, that's monopoly LOL Look into if you have those classes in your area too. Look into what you can do to learn more about you and become empowered to do something about it...

I mean it could make such a difference to the entire rest of your life, you know?

PS - Self anger is always the toughest for me too. I like the physical approach too and usually vent it cleaning out closets LOL but also it's a clue for me to learn something and so I open myself up to that as well. A lot of times, right there in the middle of reconstructing the closet, a lightbulb goes on in my head and I suddenly get what it was I didn't get before!

Hi guys, thanks for the replies.

My anger issues caused the original break up, then prevented a repair and drove the girl away. This was fuelled by frustration over the situation, the girl did not help matters, but I should not need her to act in a certain way to prevent me from being angry and lashing out.

Due to this I was horrible, nasty to and have given someone I care about a totally wrong opinion of me.

So I have a lot of anger over the situation, my reactions, my actions and the loss of the relationship because of this ! <A vicious spiral of self anger, that I am really strugling to cope with>

I am going to look into anger management, I believe that is good advice. (dont know about cleaning cuboards though!. lol).

This hopefully will prevent this from happening in the future because I will / may be in a position to prevent the lashing out.

But how do I deel with the feelings of Anger/ Guilt / Hurt / Loss all caused by myself which makes me angry!?

Hi 4,

Recognizing is a big major first step. Sounds like you are more frustrated with yourself and disappointed, as you know you are capable of doing and being so much better.

The anger management is excellent advice and I am sure they will help you greatly in sorting out how to deal with all of these negative feelings.

First, accept that all of this did happen, learn from it, take the lessons with you, but you have to at some point let the neagative feelings go and somehow turn it into a positive, like learning from it so as to prevent it from happening again.

The sooner you enroll in a management anger class, I would think the sooner you will be given insight in how to deal with all that you are experienicng.

Good for you in taking that first step of acknowlegement!!

Acceptance is the first step in dealing with anything, and learning is essential in finding ways to change how you deal with feelings and situations. Its not easy changing how we have been doing things in the passt but through practice we can change most things about us. Practice=work.

I have a trick I use when too angry but it takes a pretty firm belief that anger often is just fear with a lot of energy in it LOL so...

When angered I go looking for the fear. Honestly, its like being on an emotional safari. I ask myself a lot of questions. LOL Once I get the fear in my sites (and you'll know when it's the right one, its right there practically roaring at you!) I ask myself in as Spock-like manner as possible, is this fear accurate? 99.9% of the time it IS NOT and so I have a little sit-down-chat with myself and reprogram my thinking to something more truthful. By then a lot of the anger has subsided too and I have distracted myself from doing anything rash in the meantime!

This comes out of years of therapy but its an easy habit to develop and can work in many different circumstances. I hope that helps a little until you get to class. I am very pleased that you are willing to take that suggestion - I believe that action will pay and pay handsomely to you!

If you are angy (at yourself or others), or scared or hurt. I suggest you listen to a bruce springsteen album called "darkness on the edge of town". It is about exorcising some serious demons and it will make you realize that there are many people (everybody) who have gone and are going through the same emotions as you

Hi Guys for those following my story, I am having great difficulty putting the past relationship behind me. I have done no contact, but I cannot come to terms with the issues of the past relationship!!

I just cannot seem to accept that a person can be the way she is and just give up on a relationship. I know I should not think about things, but I am finding it very hard

Any suggestions / advice ?

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Isn't a mutual relationship someone you'd want?

Moved this from the other thread that you replied in as this relates to your new thread.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

I have tried to talk to the girl about this to try to understand her but she will not discuss this. She is saying that I am viewing her past as something shamfull and disgusting, which is true, I view it that she allowed a stranger (in this case) to use her for his own sexual pleasure, and that disgusts me, when I cared about her.

My point is, is that this girl happilly undertakes in this behavour but then is not honest about it. ie if you sleep around and have one night stands, then as long as your open about it to your partner, not a problem. But to pretend your something your not is not good.

So you also need to consider the after affects of this type of behaviour !

Sorry if I sound a little bitter, but I am having diffuculty coming to terms with this and I was her new boyfriend !! How will your new girlfriend view this ?

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You are getting caught up too much 4answers in her past. Does this have anything to do with what you are supposed to be achieving regrading your anger problems. U don't mean that in a patronising way since I have followed you threads and only want to help you like you have helped me.

Yes, what she did was promiscuous, but remember was it her past. They do say that past behavior is a good indication of future behavior but this is not always true. If you loved her like you indicate you do, then maybe it would have been best to give her the benefit of the doubt. Had she really given you any indication that she wanted to do this kind of thing again, especially while being in a relationship with you?

Remember that sometimes our own judgment of other peoples actions and behavior can sometimes be a reflection of our own insecurities.

Past is past which ever way you cut it>>>>>YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT

What action have you taken to approach you anger problems?

Thank you. Yes I am caught up in her past, for some reason I can't let it go. I guess I cannot forgive, accept or forget that which I do not understand ! Just my nature..

I guess I wish her past was not there, I feel robbed of a future by her past and she does not seem bothered ! Not evan speaking... Like I am in the wrong!

Sorry guys, bit screwed up over this... lol.

I am on a waiting list for anger classes.. My anger is not of a violent type, I just could not accept or understand the situation I found myself in and I could not handle her closed off response. Total not prepared for it !

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Thank you. Yes I am caught up in her past, for some reason I can't let it go. I guess i cannot forgive, accept or forget that which I do not understand ! Just my nature..

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You must let go of the past, especially her past, because hers has nothing to do with you or any future you have with her or anyone else for that matter.

Also, she should not need your forgiveness for something she did that was in her past that did not involve you as she was not in a relationship with you.

4answers, I will give you an example related to my own situation. You know me and my ex are broke up after 3 years together. I know this because you have responded to me and helped me also. If my ex were now to go with any other man and do what she wants, it has nothing to do with me, nothing whatsoever, however much it hurts me, she is free to do what she likes. If (a very big if) at any point in the future, me and her were to get back together, what she did during the time apart is the past and also bears no significance of who she was as a person since it would have happened during a time where there was no relationship. I'm just using this as an example of what I mean by not holding on and condemning someone for their past when it really has nothing to do with you and your future.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

I guess I wish her past was not there

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Well, it is there and you cannot erase it but you don't have to live your life by it.. The future is what matters..

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Originally Posted by 4answers

I feel robbed of a future by her past and she does not seem bothered !

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Why does her past rob you of a future? She should not be expected to feel guilty for anything.. She has done nothing to you, she has not cheated, o.k she lied about what happened but maybe she felt ashamed to tell you. This is all in your head and you need to deal with these issues yourself. It is not for her to help you understand why you feel so against her past and to be quite honest, I am not surprised she is angry with you.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Sorry guys, bit screwed up over this...lol.

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No need to be sorry mate, you have given a lot of others some good advice and put a lot of valuable points together in the past.. That's what AMHD is for.. :)

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Originally Posted by 4answers

I am on a waiting list for anger classes.. My anger is not of a violent type, I just could not accept or understand the situation I found my self in and I could not handle her closed off responce. Total not prepared for it !

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Excellent, this is what I was talking about.. Focus on you and your anger problems because until you do this, you will not be happy in any relationship and the truth is, you will live an unhappy life when you are consumed with anger and resentment.

You will be fine, I guarantee it, as long as you follow the correct path!

Huh? I am lost here. Anger issues? I haven't seen anything to refer to anger. I feel out of the loop or something. Anyway, 4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she doesn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

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Originally Posted by jrussole

Huh? I am lost here. Anger issues? I haven't seen anything to refer to anger. I feel out of the loop or something. Anyway, 4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she dosn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

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You need to read his previous threads to understand what the history is.:)

Sounds like way too much history for me! Can I reneg?

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Originally Posted by jrussole

Sounds like way too much history for me! Can I reneg?

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Reneg?

What's that.. :confused:

Sorry if I sound obtuse but I don't understand the word or abbreviation.:)

By "reneg", I believe the poster means, "Can I take it back?" or "Can I change my mind?" I have heard this term before.

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Originally Posted by jrussole

4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she dosn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

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I still don't think he has anything to forgive her for. She has done nothing wrong. O.K. she was promiscuous but she did this when she was not in a relationship with him, so why should any forgiveness be required?

I could understand it if someone resented someone else for thinking that they should require (or ask for) forgiveness for something that happened before they met that person (if I made sense there)

It is not as if she did anything immoral and although she may have lowered her standards, she did not lower them to the level of doing this whilst in a relationship which would be against morals since it would be cheating.

I really think that 4answers needs to accept that she has a past but not condemn her for it, just accept it and move on. If you were to come back here in 6 months and say she cheated on you and did these things again while in a relationship with you, it would be a whole different ball game.

Hi, I have recently been involved in a relationship breakdown and handled the whole situation badly.

I am aware I should have done No Contact instead of the needy way I acted, which pushed her further away.

But I was wondering, is there a best way to handle a relationship breakdown ?

What are your thoughts ?