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Until you leave this guy alone, you will never be happy, or find reasons to be happy with yourself, and find and do the things that make you happy.
At some point you have to make a decision that gets him out of your life, and allows you to get a life.
I guess you're right. I am so sick of being scared of being alone for fear of nobody wanting me. When I take a big step back I can see how ridiculous it is. But like I keep saying it's so hard to break that cycle again because I can already feel how low myself esteem isQuote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
You know that this is utterly silly.Quote:
I am so sick of being scared of being alone for fear of nobody wanting me.
Firstly, you're not alone. You have family and friends. And you have yourself. It's not shameful to be 23 and not in a relationship. Why is it so scary for you to be alone?
Secondly, what logic is there in staying with someone that makes you feel awful, because you don't want to be alone?
You just feel MORE awful, and MORE alone.
Thirdly, why place you self esteem in the hands of another person? Especially a person that seduces you into believing you're their dream GF and then belittles and demeans you.
You're right - at 23 you have a whole life and world ahead of you. But don't be deceived into thinking that just because other people are doing things differently to you, or quicker than you, that you're a failure. There is no joy at all in comparing yourself to others. You are you.
We all do things at different times and different rates. I didn't have a real BF until I was 30, bought my first house when I was 46 and got married for the first time at 47.
You can't have a life until you give yourself permission to let this guy go. He's stunting your growth.
Allow yourself to take those first steps on the road to rebuilding your selfesteem by having nothing more to do with a person who you must realise is NOT doing anything to help your issues.
There is nothing wrong with being on your own,and building a strong relationship with yourself.
That's how we develop selfesteem and learn how to cope with life.
This guy is seriously bad news and you know it.
Don't let him run your life.
I have been reading a few emotionally abusive articles and they have said that the abuse should be 'frequent'. I don't know what that means though? I mean, I look at my past and think that all of theat happened over 2 years and that there were some really good times in amongst all of that. But I guess maybe I just picked up on the overt emotionally abusive behaviour because it absoluteky broke my heart, but perhaps overlooked some of the more subtle behaviour?
And I keep going back to the thinking that maybe I am abusive because of the plate throwing on a couple of occasions while being stupid and drunk. Or maybe I am being abusive by always wanting to talk about his abusive behaviour in the past or controlling behaviour now (few and far between though)... but there again, maybe that is me having a gut instinct that his behaviour is not right and therefore I think and talk about it ALL THE TIME. Which he says is abusive.
And you know, even though now he pretty much says nice things about my body for the most part, I still spend day in and day out stressing over what I am eating and doing exercise. I have not done anything proactive in getting a job for 3 months. He says that he wishes I wasn't so obsessed with my diet etc but at the same time with past relationships (minus one of them) I was never THIS obsessed.
Even though for the most part he seems to have changed and be 'supportive', I feel that too much damage is done from the past and I am constantly waiting for him to tear me down again subtly. Sometimes I can think about the abuse from the past and just think 'yeah but if I was another girl... or if I didn't do *this*, or if I was smarter... prettier... taller... skinnier... funnier... more outgoing... blah blah blah then it wouldn't have happened.' or 'I probably caused it because I probably did something abusive.'
And quite frankly, I feel exhausted. Like things will blow up eventually and it will be all my fault.
Has anyone else ever heard of people being emotionally abused and then acting out themselves? I.e. throwing plates. Or wanting to talk about their partners behaviour too much, and therefore looking like the abuser themselves?
On another note- I guess the reason I feel maybe I am wrong or the abuser is because I have been in this situation twice before. Though in different ways.
The first broke off when I was 19, he was physically abusive, I can't believe how much it escalated from just kicking a hole in a door. We met when I was 17, it moved SO fast. We would talk and see each other constantly. Then when I didn't hear from in for a day it would be weird, like I couldn't get in contact at all. Then I would get worried and things escalated from there. I always thought it was me starting the fights but I guess you do get insecure when you are CONSTANTLY with your partner 24/7 then they go 'missing' for a day or 2 and you can't contact them. I guess I was so reliant on him and then the abuse began after that. He would restrain me on the bed, lock me in rooms, drive recklessly, abused me once in front of my friends, broke into my house, broke a lot of my stuff, throw things at me, threaten to kill himself, put himself in hospital by 'od-ing' on anti-inflammatories, blame me for him not having a job, stalk me at home and work, bash all the doors down in his house, he was always 'excited' while this was carrying on. I guess I thought maybe I was emotionally abusive and caused all of that.
After 5 years he is going around bad mouthing me and turning 'friends' against me saying that I apparently didn't like them and said mean things (I know, I know, how high school!) but they believ him.
The other one who would not listen to me, talk about his 'fantasy' girls and about how I was just his 'real girl', talk about how he had cheated with the 'hot blonde girls' in past relationships, wouldn't give me space to breath etc. I turned even more mental. I was so obsessed with him and his fantasy girls esp. because I never got any space. Then he threatened to commit suicide. All his friends and family blame me saying I am too insecure and immature for him. I would write questions on help forums like this and then he recently started messaging me saying that he has 'read what I had written about my other ex' and basically holding my info above me. He has threatened to show friends and family how mad I am. Saying I am the devil, they all think so too now. He stalked me in person for a while too. He is a VERY charming guy. He comes across as 'dumb and innocent'.
My mum and sister think that its all me too... my sister knows about the abuse and keeps saying to me 'oh I love Charlie sheen. He is so cool.' (because of all the abuse claims of recent). When I don't respond or just say 'yeah he is a cool actor' she will say things like 'yeah but as a person he is so funny and cool. Those women are just dumb. I love him. They deserve it'. It feels like she is just having a dig at me (as she does with me being a veg too). So I don't feel I have my family, I do have one or two GREAT friends though.
I can also feel like I am becoming so selfich by thinking about all of this and being so angry and confused. So I feel I should just forget about it and go back with my recent ex. (dw I know what you will say to that). Just saying that's how I feel.
I am just sick of having these relationships and knowing that they have big 'clans' against me. Who take their sides because I am 'the devil', yet I have few friends. And they are great people and they won't 'take sides' as such because they are more mature.
I AM SO SICK OF LIVING MY LIFE FOR OTHER PEOPLE! How dare they tell me I am or am not OK! It can make me so angry sometimes and I want to break free! At the same time, I can't seem to because I lack that confidence! I guess I just have to do it and try stay strong and see a psych again.
Even if nobody reads this, it has been a good therapy session just writing it all down!
Ahhh I will really work at being more concise with my writing!
Just a question if you don't mind. Have you ever been single long enough to be happy just doing your own thing??
Put your energy where it will benefit you-seeing a therapist and rebuild your selfesteem.
Going around in circles analyzing somebody else's behaviour is pointless.
This is my first ever post on this wonderful site and Racquel, your posts are exhausting so I can only imagine what your head is going through. I do hope you listen to everyone here as it is so apparent that you are indeed deeply wounded and so emotionally bankrupt that your thoughts and feelings on any given day is left entirely up to the boyfriend. Talaniman asked if you've been single long enough to be happy. Based on your extensive writing about every minute detail of the boyfriend's perspective of YOU, it would seem that you may not know what happiness is for YOU... meaning, while you've had moments feeling happy they were entirely contingent upon someone else. At least that is the impression I am reading within your posts and the BIGGEST clue to you giving away your happiness is the fact that the time you've spent in therapy you admittedly trivialized behaviours and thoughts... why? You were there to fix you, if there is any place in the world that Racquel should be authentic is in therapy and yet you chose not to be. Begs me to question how much you wish to change your own drama. If you don't wish to change your drama then fine... I won't exhaust myself reading through the incremental details of what HE said and how YOU defined yourself by his words. We adore you and only want to help you see the incredibly self destructive path you are living and seemingly happy to do so. You can defend the boyfriend all you wish it only shows that you are protecting your drama. If you wish to end it... go No Contact and decide for you that YOU want to be healthy. If you wish to continue swimming in the toxic waters you've come accustomed to then you should drive the boyfriend to the gym with you each day and embrace the maddness.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I wish you well.
Racquel, you seem to be increasingly seized by a paralysis that stops you from doing anything.
Stop blaming all the other people in your life for what is happening to you. Please take responsibility for your own happiness and your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.
You are the ONLY one that can.
It's good to be angry and it's good to articulate what you're feeling. But remember, no-one is MAKING you 'live your life for other people'.
That has been your decision - and you CAN change that.
So, what's stopping you?
Of course.Quote:
Originally Posted by racquel58
1. Abuse doesn't have to be "frequent," whatever that means. What constitutes abuse is a pattern of behavior whose purpose is to control the other person. You've already described enough for all of us to agree that he is abusive. That is not at issue.
2. Yes. If someone pushes you hard enough, your own behavior will begin to deteriorate even if you were formerly a well behaved person. I lost my temper and threw a glass on the floor. Of course, then I felt awful about myself. And the mark on my floor is still there for me to see and to remind me where I've come from. I see it every time I mop the floor. I learned to not do that and I eventually found the strength to divorce him.
Once we were apart I experienced joy and euphoria that wouldn't stop for 2 months. It was such a relief to not be criticized every day. You have no idea what you are missing.
3. You are not talking about his behavior "too much." What you are going through is normal. I just wish you could escape him. But I know how hard it is. It took me 15 years and by then I had had two kids with him. In the 9 year since my divorce, I have never once wished I was back with him.
Take care.
I understand that you need to take control of your own life. I understand this. What I'm saying is I don't know how! I look at everything and I can blame myself for it all. Then I think that I don't need to take myself out of this relationship because *I* should be able to act better. *I* should deal with it. *I* should not get upset. *I* should work through it WITH him.
I feel like, if I omit him from my life then I will end up in the same position as I am in now, with a different person. And because I am so faulty, we will have to go through everything again only to get to where I am now with the current guy.
You say get support from other people. I don't have it. *I* have set up all my relationships in such a way that I am the submissor. Including with my family.
I feel like if I am single, I have just wasted a year of this guys life (by not committing and not sleeping with him) and that all of the past was MY fault and I owe him and need to rectify it. I have no idea how to do that. One minute I feel angry with him, the next I feel intense guilt.
You're right. I don't know happiness. I am trying to get my life on track by getting a new job... but its slow and no results over 6 months. I'm trying to keep busy, exercising and seeing friends, volunteering, work as often as possible to stop myself from thinking and getting depressed.
I feel like he has been good for a year and I owe it to him to forgive everything. I trivialise my problems because I feel they are stupid. I am stupid. There are FAR more important things going on in the world than my childish issues (that *I* should be able to sort through without therapy). I have exhausted everyone here! That's exactly what I do in real life! I don't want to live like this but I can't seem to stop.
This is my belief, I am inherintly flawed and 'owe' things to people. I've booked an appoint with the dr to get a referral to my old psych. How embarrassing
Ok, this sounds a lot like me. Thank you for your story. That is what I find so hard. Forgiving myself. And thinking maybe I am the abusive one!Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
I also try to remember about my father being abusive to my mother and she said a couple of times she also snapped when he was being cruel and even kicked him in the chest. Which is NOT like my mother AT ALL! (difference to me though is he was also phsyically abusive, not in THAT particular instance but he was usually).
Also, I guess I have to remember that for as long as I stay I am always going to be going round and round in circles in my head about the past and finding ways to blame me (I know, its my decision to leave/ stay etc so I am putting myself here) but I mean in the sense that I will put up with more abuse because I can convince myself that *I* deserve it.
Also, even thouugh everything seems nice and wonderful NOW, doesn't mean it will stay that way. It's the cycle of abuse. I usually find the controlling won't happen unless I am comfy and my guard is down.
I'm going to read over all of these comments again... and again... and again
I think that you're doing the right and brave thing - which is thinking about yourself and questioning your motives. Only by doing these 2 things will you stop yourself from falling back into the old patterns.
Well done for booking an appointment with the psych - it's not embarrassing, I wish more people would have the insight to do it!
In the end we are ALL inherently flawed - it's part of the human condition. The challenge is to accept our flaws and not believe that we need to be punished for them or beat ourselves up for them - and, if we can, to try and rise above them.Quote:
this is my belief, I am inherently flawed and 'owe' things to people.
We all deserve the best despite our flaws. If you believe you deserve the best, then that's what you'll attract.
It doesn't happen overnight. Thinking and questioning is a life long process.
Keep at it and good luck with the appointments.
Also, in response to this. I know that I am supposed to have control over my life and that I can only make the decisions for me. But for some reason I try to do what everyone else wants because I hate making people angry. I hate the uncomfortable feeling of people being disappointed with me because of my choices that may be opposite to their ideas of what I should do. I know that I have set this up for myself, still it is SO hard to break.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini54
Especially when it's your family. For instance, I want to eventually get a job in my field and buy my own house. My dad says that if I move out of his house that I am 'putting the rest of the family in the crap' and that I am letting them down. Its now MY turn to support him, because he has grown and supoported me (I am early 20's). I feel I should be able to leave IF I want to, and I need to set up my own life so that WHEN he is old and frail I will be in the right position to look after him. For now, I need to spread my wings and live. I know this is controlling on his part, but I can't seem to make the break for fear of hurting him/ him cutting contact with me/ him dying and me feeling guilty etc.
It's the same with my boyfriend. I can't cut cords because I am worried his friends will hate me because of the things they saw me do (lash out, throw a plate etc). Where really, I have heard them yell horrible things/ do horrible things to their girlfriend... for some reason I am STILL worried what they think of me! Why? That's silly! They are nor perfect and WHY am I giving ANYONE else power over Me and MY life! It's ridiculous! Why should *I* allow myself to be controlled/ judged by others and let it actually affect me! I have more right to judge me/ love me than they do to judge/love me. I also have every right to judge them if I feel fit and decide that THEY have the wrong view of me. They don't know me better than I do. I have to take back the power. Hmmm... silly as this sounds I am going to write a big sign in my room with this.
I can see the more that I GIVE people that power and ALLOW them to treat me certain ways/ ALLOW them to make me feel certain ways, then the more I end up feeling controlled and ATTRACTING THOSE PEOPLE! AND acting out and doing stupid things and ending up more out of control, more submissive and attracting more controlling people. The cycle goes on and on and on.
I think that's the main thing I will work on in therapy. How to set boundaries in ALL kinds of relationships. I won't feel so stupid telling a therapist that.
I seem to attract people that I need to impress... I think its because of how I was brought up. So I don't seem to settle with people that just accept me. I seem to want to try to impress those that don't accept me. And if they don't, I should just realise that they don't. Won't. Meh! Who cares!
BTW thank you very much again for everybodies patience and replies =o)
Your latest post is full of truths and great insights-and I think this time your therapy will work wonders!
There is a very strong,confident woman inside you waiting to show herself.
The best of luck to you.
I think you are perfectly entitled to impress YOURSELF for a change, and work your own plan as theirs' will never work for you.
Go for it.
I don't mean to blame others for what's happening. I know it's MY responsibility to look after my emotional wellbeing, and I have done in the past with other bad bf's. I was able to see it much faster and just pull away. It was clear. I could do it. I could enjoy a little while of not feeling guilty and feeling happy I made the right decisions.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini54
With this one though... its more like... I feel I am pushing him to this behaviour. *I* am the cause and *I* am the abuser, because of the times I got drunk and threw a plate, or lashed out at him or his friend for no apparent reason.
I was reading a woman's story on here about her intensively physically abusive husband. And I started to think, maybe I AM the abuser after all!
There is no excuse for physical violence, I know this. Yet I threw a plate and pushed his friend when drunk. That's far worse than what he has done! THAT is why I feel I should stay. I feel I need to 'man up' to my behaviour and 'accept responsibility' by staying and 'changing' MY abusive behaviour. A HUGE part that keeps me there is this guilt. I am not trying to sayy that what is happening in my life is other peoples issue. I know I have accepted this and allowed this and ALLOWED MYSELF to REACT this way. I feel *I* have made my bed and I need to lay in it to 'make it up' to people.
Then I try and rationalise it and say, well I didn't really drink at all before meeting him (dont drink now much, with him I was drunk every night.), I also didn't 'act out' so much and start fights.
I'm not sure if I can explain this well enough. I am happy to take responsibility etc. BUT i dont know what that is half the time!
On one hand I think the only way to take responsibility is to be back with him, give it my all and NOT make the same mistakes (throwing plates, getting drunk, being angry, lashing out his friend).
On the other I think the only way to take responsibility is to LEAVE.
I don't want this drama. I did have a relationship without so much drama. Which didn't last long due to drugs, But when the hurt and drama started I did get out! And same with the one after that...
Just I have so much guilt from this relationship that I feel I need to make up for (I know, I said that at the beginning). I do want out of drama! I just can't stop myself from feeling GUILTY! I am just SO CONFUSED!
I want a peaceful life. A loving relationship. Someone I can trust. Someone to love and love me back. I don't know I deserve it! What if I abuse them!
The other thing I feel guilty for is going away overseas. Realising how much I didn't want to be in the relationship and breaking it off over the phone rather than leaving him hanging on for 2 months to get back. And ruining my first holiday ALONE (was actually bliss now I think back! I could go a day without contact with people and I loved it- for a short time. I think I needed it), by waiting until I got back.
Though I feel it was COWARDLY of me to do it over the phone! Another side of me says, that if I did it in person. I would be right where I am now. Confused. And guilty and reconsidering.
Physical abuse is much more frowned upon! And I did it! A couple of times!. Maybe the only abusing I'm actually doing is abusing myself!
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