1. That's what she wants, at least for the time being, not you. You're right, u know that she's on control and you ALLOWED IT by not acting upon it.

2. You're not hiding, you're getting her out of your life!

3. That is not friendship, a relationship cannot be SHIFTED into a friendship. There's no scientific formula behind her behaviour and thoughts, Its normal for the dumper to say so, she's softening the blow, and perhaps a relief of guilt. Eg. U dislike something so bad that u kicked it and broke it, then u feel guilty. But in the end it doesn't mean that you want to like that whatever it would be.

Hope this helps you..

1. That's what she wants, at least for the time being, not you. You're right, u know that she's on control and you ALLOWED IT by not acting upon it.

2. You're not hiding, you're getting her out of your life!

3. That is not friendship, a relationship cannot be SHIFTED into a friendship. There's no scientific formula behind her behaviour and thoughts, Its normal for the dumper to say so, she's softening the blow, and perhaps a relief of guilt. Eg. U dislike something so bad that u kicked it and broke it, then u feel guilty. But in the end it doesn't mean that you want to like that whatever it would be.

Hope this helps you..

This is sad. A 38 years old man like you didn't realize what she was doing?

You've just fallen into her trap. This is what makes woman really strong. Those types of woman can even make their men to get down on her knee. Seems like she's really dominating somehow. You sounds like a 20-25 years old. Really this is confusing. Just find someone at your age. Maybe they'll understand you more. As for this girl, she maybe realized sth. You still try though, no one will prevent you from doing that. But it's on your own risk.

Good luck

Ok so after a little while Iam back with a little more venting to do... guess this could be called the confusing "phase"

First off I have tried to do the "no contact" thing the best I can. If has only been working a little bit. She usually tries to find ways around it or makes me feel guilty. Case in point... I won't contact her all day long. I have to see her at night cause we still live together. During that time, we cook and eat dinner together. I then usually try to break away and go find something to do. Usually when that happens... I get the traditional... "oh Iam not good enough to be around? hmmmm...ok I see how it is" or the "ok sure go find something to do like you do always and ignore and don't be around me"... I think the picture is pretty well painted... In addition she went out on Saturday to go to a co-workers house for a little get-together. It was only like 3 of them and no big deal thing at all. INSTEAD of telling me that... she originally tells me after I get home on Friday that she is going out Saturday night to go to a party and won't be coming back till Sunday cause she is going to be drinking and does not want to drink and drive. I handled that... so so. To be completely honest... more the non so so part. I did get mad cause of the way she said it... and told her flat out I felt it was rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful seeing we had only been broken up a couple of weeks and that she still lived with me. She countered what I said by saying... fine if you have such a problem with it... I just won't go. I re-grouped and said... no no... please go. Sorry I shouldn't have reacted that way, you just caught me off guard. She ended up going and came home first thing at like 8 in the morning Sunday not feeling very good at all. I knew in the back of my head, alcohol was no solution to a break up... (been there done that) but she had to learn that on her own.

Anyway fast forward to today... she seems to be up and down as Iam over the whole thing. We both have our good days and our bad days. Bottom line is Iam trying hard to leave my emotions out of it now and just move/press on and focus on me. Seems to me every time I do this and appear happy or content with myself... if turns her to be more curious or depressed with herself. It's almost like the opposite theory... if Iam sad and upset, she'll be happy and vice versa.

I don't know, I am definitely older then her both in age and in maturity cause I just don't like doing the whole "games" thingy. She apparently does or just is so confused right now at what she honestly wants. It's just so weird, especially cause we are not even up to that "no contact" rule yet, due to the fact we still live together and know that we both care for one another to one degree or the other.

On a positive side, I believe I found a car and should be able to purchase it by sometime next week. Again I was definitely overjoyed... she was not too happy about that. I think partly cause it was a car that she also liked and that because by me now having a car, I won't be dependent upon her for a ride... so one more step closer to the all-out breakup which my gut is telling me she is starting to realize is closing in. She still has not even packed one single thing of hers. I honestly don't know why. Could be she is waiting for me to say the final word of "ok you have to go" to make her feel better that I kicked her out? I honestly don't know. Like I mentioned above though, she has during the last couple of weeks after she broke it off, told me more then a few times that she enjoys my company... even to just sit with her in the living room and watch TV. Not sure if she feels I won't actually move and force her out or what? Or is she using this time to attempt to find that spark she felt went out but now might be second guessing... again... don't know... women are just soooooo confusing!

First off, you're one of the nicest guy I ever know. Secondly, if she tries to make you feel bad for doing your own business, tell her you have no obligation to stay with her since you are not dating each other.

She probably doesn't realise yet that she is in a break up and you seem to handle the situation very well. All you need is to leave the apartment and go NC on her. Also try to get out as much as possible, try to expand your social circle, join an activity, be more friendly to people, that will help you a lot. Don't forget to train a lot also.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by paxe

First off, you're one of the nicest guy I ever know. Secondly, if she tries to make you feel bad for doing your own business, tell her you have no obligation to stay with her since you are not dating each other.

She probably doesn't realise yet that she is in a break up and you seem to handle the situation very well. All you need is to leave the appartment and go NC on her. Also try to get out as much as possible, try to expand your social circle, join an activity, be more friendly to people, that will help you a lot. Don't forget to train a lot also.

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Thanks! Let me just say it really REALLY has not been very easy. My biggest problem Iam realizing is not her at all... IT'S ME... I have just been so relying on her for so long I honestly have lost myself. I don't have many friends at all. The ones I do have live very far away. We talk on the phone and that helps somewhat... but I have nobody to fall back to right now. This is what I really need. Some friends close by. Got none. My own fault... I should have tried harder when we moved to this new area, but hey life is what it is. This is where she is a notch up on me and Iam pretty sure she knows it. She has co-workers that she has made friends with. She has a support group to run too (which she does pretty much every day) cause she works with these people. My other big problem is self-esteem and meeting people. Iam not very good at all. Been out of the game a while now and feeling really confused, mixed up, etc. It's like I would like to get myself back out there but it's just really tough right now. She on the other hand (cause she is a chick and has a pretty nice body, appearance) gets hit on quite often and very easily. She unfortunately loves attention and eats it all up. I wouldn't consider myself as to being unattractive, just definitely crushed right now, walking around with a broken heart and very low self-esteem. I know attitude is 3/4 the battle and I would like nothing more then to feel myself and just get a smile from a person of the opposite sex. Just guess Iam waiting for a sign from the man upstairs telling me it's going to be all right...

Get your head up guy, so you can see your options better. You have figured out what the problem is, now work on a plan. Small personal goals to raise the confidence in yourself, wash windows, clean you closet. These don't seem like much, but in 3 days you'll see the difference, and be proud of yourself. Have a plan for your free time, and follow through, it will give you something to look forward to. If you can't think of something go back to a past hobby you enjoyed, or better yet, get a new one. Baby steps toward a bigger goal, will get the juices flowing, and fill the gap in your soul, so you can enjoy what you do, and take pride in it, especially at work/school.

Over time You will grow to be happy with yourself, and attract other happy people who share your interests, into your life.

Sports, and physical activities should be high on your list, (everyone loves the gym), and you can even take a page from your ex, VOLUNTEER. Helping others is the supreme self esteem booster, bar none.

You have to be out, and about to meet new people.

First off, your doing better than you think you are. Tal is right, it's all about giving you the option of meeting people. If I did my daily activities only, as excited as I would be about meeting new people, I wouldn't find anyone. If I am put in a situation where I'm obliged to socialize, work, volunteering or an activity, I will just have to socialize. Step by step, you will get better and your self-esteem is going to be better. Don't think of socializing meaning to meet up random chick.

You need to meet people, not chicks.

Moved here from another post to avoid confusion.


My ex broke it off with me about a month ago. She still lives with me and we still see each other every day. I have been the good guy and have not kicked her out. I have tried to be respectful while she saves up enough money to be able to move out.

During this past month after the breakup I have been going through lots of emotions as you can believe. I have been trying my hardest to not get emotional and have tried my best that when I feel I can't handle the situation to just get out and go for a walk or something.

Being new to the area, (we moved from Mass to Tenn together) it's been very VERY hard to make new friends. This has not been helping me out any. I know I need to find stuff to keep me busy... but that's another topic... my real concern/question is this:

Iam a bit confused... she broke it off with me. She has been more then clear that she is saving up to move out and has already been looking at places. She however does still show from time to time, some feelings toward me. Such as she gets a little nosy with whom Iam texting or if I say Iam going to hang out with friends. She also knows that I like to look at her Facebook as she likes to put up quotes from movies and songs. I think deep down she does this just to see if Iam still on her hook or something? For example she has right now on her Facebook this: "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day" I LOVE The Notebook!

OK before you all come down on me 100% first let me say... yes I know... juvenile, immature, etc. Yes very well aware of it. Plus her being 23 again, I know she has some growing up to do.

So I guess where Iam going with this is: if she deep down feels this way, but doesn't want to jump to decisions... is it possible she wants to move out, to see what that feels like, and then go from there? Just don't know if relationships ever go like this? She was engaged to me 2 times now over 7 years. She broke it off the first time after about 4 years into it and then again just now about a month ago. I think she has feelings toward me, but that our relationship has been a very difficult and very complicated one. Both parties have been equally at fault for things to go astray and feel like we have drifted apart for one reason or the other. I clearly explained to her, I was willing to work things out and do whatever it took. She was not willing at first and simply said... there just is no more spark there and didn't think it would come back. I think now there might still be something there, just not enough to keep her from moving out and wanting to test the world on her own. Because of this, think she feels like perhaps by putting that quote in her Facebook, she is trying to still hold on to me, just in case things get too rough by herself? Or if the feelings do get stronger again? I don't know... so many confusing questions with no real answers that are ready to surface yet I guess...

Your situation is rough, living with your ex, but I do feel you are giving yourself some hope. Let me explain. She dumped you and has all the advantage of the dumper, meaning they are in "control" (they could have you back if they wanted to).

Slowly but surely, her control over the situation is getting weaker, and she is figuring it out. She wants to string you along, so that if she doesn't find something better, well there is always you.

Like the fact she got pissed when you got a car, you are not dependent on her, and consequently, you are moving on. She won't have you as a backup option basically.

It is very easy for the dumpee to get used by these false hope and the dumpee tends to overanalyze everything. It is what the dumper wants, false hope. It only gives more pain in the end (been there, done that).

My advice to you is to move on and don't give yourself hope. You are soon going to leave the apartment and be able to properly heals. As you said, she is young and lack maturity, you should know better.