Ask Me Help Desk - Small Long distance, phone break up what? NC?

So she came over yesturday and spent the day with me. Things for the most part went well. We attended a local event that was going on and I don't think she could have been happier, and to spend the day outside with me.

The only problem I see is that we have hit a point in our communication. She doesn't either know how to or doesn't want to open up on sometimes when we talk. For example if I ask her something (not like what is your fav color but) she will say I don't know.

Then on her drive back we talked a little and I told her IDK is not really an answer that's going to help me understand. Then finally she told me her reasoning , but she kept it brief.

I guess short term okay fine, but long term this connects back to her overwhelming and running away breaking it off again.

I asked her about that too, in person, on how do I know that she won't run away if she gets overwhelmed. I told her she doesn't have my 100% trust, which kind of bothered her, but I said that I gave her my all and then she ran away, and there's no saying that will happen again. She said there is no saying she may run away, but she's going to try harder to talk about issues.

So I guess I want to know how can I get her to crack. She knows I'll be there for her on anything. But when it comes to things, I would like her to talk about it when they originally come up, and not just give me a short answer then make an excuse to go.

For some people its harder to develop the skills, or acquire the experience, to learn to communicate effectively. On your part, patience is required, while these skills are developed in your partner.

People grow, and learn at different times, and speeds, and patience is a necessary tool for growing together.

Understanding these differences between people, goes a long way to being able to communicate with them. You both have to learn each other language, and that takes time, and a lot of practice, and again, patience.

So when we are discussing something and I am given an answer which makes no sense to me, for example IDK, then just keep working on, while not trying to pressure, to get the person to communicate their thoughts?

The difference between pressure, and gentle pressure, is how much you apply. People need time to think sometimes is all. Some take longer than others.

Your putting way too much pressure on her, and she will run. I agree with Tal. Your older and she is younger, no matter how mature she is. She is having second thoughts and by you wanting things your way, she will just eventually say good-bye. The only way you will have a chance with her to rekindle the way it use to be, is to back off and give her space. That is what she needs right now. You are settled, graduated and have yourself together. She isn't on the same page as you.. take it slow.

Threads merged

I'm curious, if your girlfriend is hanging out with a guy or 2 she slept with in the past (like a one night thingy), would that bother you? I mean not alone, but if she hangs out with the guys roomates and he's there, or obviously she sees them at bars. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be bothered by this or not.

Well, I go through this same thing man. My girlfriend is only friends with guys she has hooked up with, other than her girlfriends. That means every time she talks to a guy friend, she has hooked up with in some way. Sure it bothers me, but you know what, I spend a lot of my time with her so I doubt she could fit in time with a side fling. If you don't see your girlfriend a lot it might be something to worry about. That connection between people who hook up is always going to be there. There will always be that twinkle in the eye so to speak. SO my friend, just be weary. If you trust your girlfriend you should be fine. If you don't trust your girlfriend it might be valid to worry. But hey, look at it this way. Those guys are old stuff to her. You are the new guy in her life. Only if your relationship was very very bad would she go back to the old and the used.

Hey there

True true. It sucks it has to be that way. I'm not going to tell her NOT to hang out with them, but it does bother me a little. When I asked her she said he doesn't like her, never did, just good friends. But at the same time I don't think HE knows about me. We are in a LDR too, 90 minutes a way, so its not like bam lets hang out kind of thing.

I trust her, but I know she's flirty with people, naturally. So although I know nothing will happen, alcohol makes people do silly things, which is what was that happened between them 2

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatsnext2009

i trust her, but i know she's flirty with people, naturally. so although i know nothing wil happen, alcohol makes people do silly things, which is waht was that happened between them 2

It has nothing to do with alcohol or any other thing. This has to do with you being insecure, period. I have "hooked up" with girls and remained friends with them. There is NO sparkle in the eye either as I never had an emotional attachment to most of them. Sex doesn't have to be about a deep connection, even though it probably should be. There is a link that one of the experts has here regarding LDR... they aren't easy and we tend to overanalyze everything about everything, so to speak. It would probably do you good to read this link.

She has given you no reason not to trust her so until then relax and enjoy your time together. Simple as that. If two people are going to hook up it will happen and if she wants to use alcohol as an excuse then you have bigger problems.

You either trust your girlfriend or you don't. That's the question you have to ask yourself.

I guess I always been to avoid awkward situations you know? Like in this case avoiding a situation where she comes back and says oh they got drunk and he made a pass at her. Crap like that lol.

The bottom line is about trusting. Do you trust her or not? It truly is essential in ANY type of relationship. You can't spend your time worrying about things that haven't happened while you are dating her, that will be just miserable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

The bottom line is about trusting. Do you trust her or not? It truly is essential in ANY type of relationship. You can't spend your time worrying about things that haven't happened while you are dating her, that will be just miserable.

Had to spread rep. It can't be more clear than that.

This is an internal conflict. It's not about her actions. It's about how you feel knowing these aspects of her. Is this the type of girl that you want to be with? Can you let her live her life without feeling so insecure about her?

I trust her.
But where do lines get drawn? I read some posts in the past where the girl wants the pie and the slice. That's why I thought hey is this one of those situations?

And you are right, I seen myself stressed out sometimes in the past thinking about things, that I need not waste time thinking about.

And when you say is this the type of girl.. then I can either say it doesn't make me comfortable she is doing that, or be find someone else right?

p.s thanks guys I do like the feedback as I am seeing the view from another perspective. Maybe I do have certani insecurities that I need to deal with on my own.I guess I just never know when the line is crossed, or if it is crossed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatsnext2009

but where do lines get drawn? I read some posts in the past where the girl wants the pie and the slice. That's why i thought hey is this one of those situations?

The line is drawn internally. You decide where to draw the line. You decide by seeing your comfort zone. Has she crossed your comfort zone?

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatsnext2009

and you are right, i seen myself stressed out sometimes in the past thinking about things, that i need not waste time thinking about.

If you feel that stressed about it, you can try to bring it up with her and see where that leads. Relationships do take hard work, so she might be willing to compromise because she cares about you, but don't hold your breath (i.e. don't expect her to change for you). Keep in mind that you can't ask her to be someone else. You can't tell her what to do and not to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatsnext2009

and when you say is this the type of girl.. then i can either say it doesnt make me comfortable she is doing that, or b find someone else right?

Exactly! If she's not your type, then it's time to call it quits. You're not forced into this relationship. Relationships are suppose to be happy and natural. It's not suppose to be so stressful.

Whoever you are with unless you trust them the relationship will suffer. Why paint worst case scenarios?this seems to be more about your own insecurities than anything else.

See if these sights help you.

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Its easy to be insecure, and LDR's intensify those feeling. Your situation is made a bit more difficult because your still learning how to communicate with each other.

Your own actions should be thought out to insure honesty, and clarity, and never be impulsive with your words, or actions, as working on yourself is important, and relating with others on a level of trust requires maturity, confidence, and a lot of thought, along with communication.

LDR's make all those things really hard, for even the best couples.

I'm an idiot.

So this past weekend a few days prior she was talking about hanging out. This was the first weekend after school started so all this time I thought she wanted to party. But she said maybe one night with the roomates then the other night with me or come visit me etc. Then it was all weekend with me. Then Fri she said she wants to stay up there and party with her roomies, and she'll see me the weekend after, since I was coming up there anyway. Well fri I ended up going up there anyway, saw her for a bit and then she was going to drink with her roomies, girls night. FUnny thing is when I went there, there were like 3 other guys there. She said it was the roomates BF, and his friends, so I was thinking okay SOME flippin girls night hey. When I was leaving her roommate asked if I wanted to stay and drrink with them, I looked at my girlfriend and she didn't seem that excited so I just left. An hour later she says the girls night is kind of lame and her and one of the roomates are going to the bars to meet this guy (old friend of hers who was visiting in town) and said I should come there too. Well I was at a party so I figure I'd meet her later. When I was going to head there she said she was already home and had a ty night. I went to see her and she was DRUNK. She said she's done with it ALL. I asked what. she said she ran into her old roommate (who I messed around with and doesn't know we are dating) and she blew her off and didn't say anything. So she was upset with that and said it was over. So here she is breaking up with me drunk. She said she doesn't see us getting married. (this is the girl that didn't like to look too far in the future). She said that we are in different places in life, the distance is too much and stuff. So it was a repeat of when we had the break, only the whole can't see us getting married. Wow.

So I left back to the bars and then like na idiot went to her place after and stayed over. Sat she hung with her roomates and I saw her a few times during the day I stopped over cuddled she wanted me to stay but I had other plans. I asked her if she wanted to come but she said she wanted to nap. She didn't know if she wanted to get back to gether. She said she didn't like how when she wanted to go out I asked if she was going to drink. I mean I don't care if she drinks but I know she gets flrity and I don't want her blacking out thinking OK what did I do. You know? So she didn't like that. So I went out that night and she stayed in.. WEIRD. I figured she would have went out and partied, but no. She texted and said m aybe it wasn't a good idea if I came over that night. She said we need to figure things out... well, me being drunk, I told her I'm coming over and I went over there anyway. We didn't really cuddle, as in the text she said I can sleep with her but no cuddling. I woke up that morning and it was just akward. I asked her if she loved me and she said sometimes. I got up and left and then texted her and she responded it came out wrong. She said do you actually think I'm not in love with u? Whatever.

Hours pass, she texts me to see if I was still in town. I didn't respond.

I feel like an idiot. She tells me she doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't know if she wants a relationship. So it's over. It's weird because I mean I feel okay, I do miss the idea of her, how great times we had and I did kind of see a future with her, but again I don't get if you're in love like you say you are, then are willing to just walk away from it.

So this weekend I'll be up there for a birthday party, I may see her out, I may not. I have a feeling she may try to contact me. She may try to talk to me at the bars. I don't know.

I'm on no contact since this morning. So far, so good. I just feel I don't know like just an idiot for some reason.

You're not an idiot.

Put down the stick you're beating yourself with and realize that she has no clue what she wants, which is not fair to you.

Stick with no contact until the dust settles. Busy yourself. Time will lend clarity to the situation.

That was exciting, but leave her alone until the emotional dust settles and you both can have a serious adult, sober conversation. Your party animal g/f doesn't seem to have time for a relationship.

Read my signature. To be honest, I wouldn't give the time of day to someone who put her friends, and the bars, before being with me. No way.