Ask Me Help Desk - Scared I am screwing up

Quote:

Originally Posted by LJDK

Although i might be having second thoughts at times, i made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can i quit.

That will never be 100% certain, I'm afraid. You will be too worn down to see it if/when it appears. I said never - I never say never... It's unlikely that you'll see it.

My advice is don't do this. Don't make absolute promises like this, because it's like dropping a wall down inside yourself; a thing you can't cross. It divides you, and disallows certain connections to be made in your mind. This will be bad for you later on if left in place - and I've not really had much experience of breaking my own: you will need someone who understands as we do, to delve deep within you and ask you that one question that knocks on the 'magic' (loose) brick. Then it will fall. In my experience, I've never seen a wall that wasn't harmful to someone.

I'm sorry to be so contradictory. I don't believe this is the end yet - it doesn't sound like you've managed to explain enough, and that post sounded like it was written in the 'heat of the moment' a bit. You should both understand the reasoning behind what you're doing, or it will be wasted effort. You still love the person lying there underneath the drugs - at least if your path still lies similar to mine then I'd bet money that you do. That person will only come out if you don't destroy her by running at some predetermined time: you've probably been feeling that it's slightly easier than the hardest possible path*. Go when it feels right. You have done some preparation for this already, but not enough. The forefront, conscious part of our minds is not good at making decisions such as this: I'd leave it to your subconscious to decide when it's right, but you must listen to it and not leave it aside thinking it's a glitch. It won't be long by the sounds of it, but remember to give her wonder and awe, and give her the power to believe that what she wants from life it is possible (for her specifically) to get.

Try to remember, how it felt when you met her. That meeting will never happen again: all future events are influenced by the past, so are automatically different. However, something as good or better can happen again. She is the person you want - don't let that slip away out of frustration. Help her, and you help yourself. You sound ready to retract and get your life back, and maybe she is too. What she hasn't got is preparation for the split. Ideally she would understand that it is just separation: not a proper break-up. And it's not through lack of love - that one's easy to prove. Try having a think about the situation turned on its head: if you were her, what would you really need your lover to say/do now? If she was you, what would she do? That's helped me a lot in the past.

Best,
Fuzzy

PS This was a bit of a messy post - I'm not entirely clear what I should've done in my relationship, so passing on clues by explaining what happened-type things is all I can offer now. Hopefully you can gleen some information out of it that helps you.

* I've found that the hardest possible path is almost always the best one to follow... Especially in a relationship like yours. It's less painful in the long run if you take on the pain as and when it appears.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Sorry guy, but your lack of knowledge is part of the problem, and has made you an enabler, and that does more harm than good.

The logical option is to get information, not enable her by using with her.

Thats what I recommend, as your trying to do something you know nothing about. Better to leave, than send the mixed signals your sending, because you can't help without guidance.

What do you think he's looking for here? Ways to blow up Iran? This guy has opened up his heart and life here, so that others might be able to help two lovers stick together and work through this </fairytale>: the admission of lack of knowledge has been and passed - get with the times. The thing about being an enabler is the most helpful thing you said, but it's phrased harshly. It sounds like you might *have* said knowledge - why not share, or at least share how you got it..

My knowledge comes from first hand experience with drugs, and alcohol, and how to overcome them, and also helping others overcome them, And that does include many family, friends, and loved ones, who live through the lives of those who suffer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuzzychin

What do you think he's looking for here?? Ways to blow up Iran? This guy has opened up his heart and life here, so that others might be able to help two lovers stick together and work through this </fairytale>: the admission of lack of knowledge has been and passed - get with the times. The thing about being an enabler is the most helpful thing you said, but it's phrased harshly. It sounds like you might *have* said knowledge - why not share, or at least share how you got it...?

So are you suggesting that OP DOES do drugs to solve the problem??

I doubt that he is suggesting that anyone do drugs to solve any problems. Drugs are definitely not the best choice to solve anything, it only makes things worse.

People who do drugs do so, because it makes them feel good.

Yes. And I suppose drugs make a person forget the emptiness inside them. I ve never touched any drugs never wanted to.I do believe though that one would need professional help to get off them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

so are you suggesting that OP DOES do drugs to solve the problem???

What? I'm saying that the user talking about him becoming an enabler as a negative thing is helpful, and you come out with that. Some people are either deranged or refuse to learn to read before posting responses...

Being on drugs is just a way to face the problems and the stressful things in your life. That is my opinion.

I have and never will get on drugs because even though time do get hard, I'd rather face things with an open mind. I would not want to kill a few brain cells to forget my problems and wake up to find that they are still there. Then what? Go find more drugs because the problems didn't go away while I was high before...

I don't know what people are thinking when they take their lives in this direction.

Well I did make it clear to her now that this is a thing of the past. She got very sick from her relapse so I doubt she will be using again. Still, I made it clear I can no longer tolerate it.

So we decided we will start excersizing together and get in shape and eat more healthy. After all, a healthy body is a healthy mind.
She just started with a detox, no cige's, booze or weed. Lets hope this helps the cause.

And yes, we do drugs because it feels good. But never ever to forget something bad... for life has taught me that you only feel worse afterwards. Not better. Drugs do not take away pain, sorrow or anything but the capacity to reason properly.

Wow - it sounds like you're both way more mature than either me or my ex were. Brilliant plan, and I'm glad to learn that a hard line has worked for you - but don't let her get downhearted if signs of change aren't imminent. You seem to be well on top of this now.
Absolutely agree - drugs take away the capacity to reason properly, which leads you to a) think less of yourself as you're less capable of solving your problems after taking them than you were before, and b) take more drugs to *avoid* the problems further. NOT to face them. People turn to them probably because they don't believe a viable solution exists, so they want to be as happy as possible for as much of the time as possible.

Congrat's. Now all you need to know is whether she's doing this for herself, or for fear of losing you if she doesn't (probably both, and thinking about it in your situation it probably doesn't matter - it's unlikely to be for the worst).

Quote:

And yes, we do drugs because it feels good. But never ever to forget something bad...

That's not true at all, but its only a symptom of a greater problem that needs to be addressed.

Quote:

for life has taught me that you only feel worse afterward. Not better.

For some its an easier way out. Facing a problem, and solving it are to different things.

Quote:

Drugs do not take away pain, sorrow or anything but the capacity to reason properly.

For some they do take away the pain and sorrow, and it's the easiest way to feel good.

I say all this to try and point you in the right direction, as I think you have little understanding of the true effects of drugs, on the mind, body and soul, so you can at least LOOK for the proper information, such as Alanon, so you can know how to help, and what to expect.

Her choice of drugs doesn't matter, nor how much, or how often she uses, the whole problem is much deeper, and until its resolved, or at least addressed, seldom do people have a chance.

I urge you to give her that chance, and educate yourself, and encourage you to help her dig deeper.

Its also a fact, drugs, and alcohol, have a profoundly greater detrimental effect on females than males, so doesn't minimize the danger she is in.

The good news is the solution is out there.

Threads merged
Hi again.
My fiancé wants to go out tonight to one of her friends birth day party.
Not a big deal right!

Well to me it might be. Not sure yet. One, we seldom do go out. But when we do it lasts for 5 - 7 nights in a row. Then I start refusing to go out because I only go out to clubs because she wants to. I can't stand clubs simply because the people are all wasted, and the music is really not my type. I am a relaxed person with very little interest in socializing but knows it has to be done for her sake.

In any case. Perhaps my anti social behaviour is the cause of my lack of willingness to go out tonight. Maybe not.

But let me tell you something else.

1: The dude told her the other day on text he will give her an open mouth kiss if she kept his sunglasses safe. (he forgot it at her work, she is a hairdresses - got his hair cur) Sure he might have just been expressing his gratitude.

2: We have no cash atm. She is going to make more debt just so we can go drink with them.

3: I am sick, my throat hurts like hell and I'm tired as hell considering I couldn't sleep with her snorring last night.

4: Those friends of hers are 5 years younger than me, intrested in 2 things. Drugs. Sex.
(based on previous occasions that we met)

5:I have nothing in common with any of them, or get along with any of them.

If I go, she will get upset because I am not very chatty with her mates. If I don't go, then I'm being antisocial and a bore. If I tell her to go without me, then I tell her openly go and enjoy your night with the dude that told you he wants to give you an open mouth kiss.

Hmmm

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

I think you have MANY issues to work out together, as sex, drugs, and your social life seems to be having problems.

As to the partying, a week is a long time to have a good time, doing what?

Man you can't keep up with her, and really do need to gets some honest communications going, so you both can work on a compromise solution that works for you both.

If your not willing to work together, you will grow apart.

The thing is we do have open communication. And I lost count of the times I said no, I don't want to go out. So I feel guilty for wanting to say no again, because I say no more than I say yes. And she does compromise a lot, and so do I.

Still I am not in the mood. But guess I have to just keep my mouth shut and tag along and take everything as it comes.

A sour puss is a poor partner to party with, so take a better attitude with you.

Given her problem with drugs, and alcohol (alcohol is a drug ), recognize that she may be triggered, and want to participate.

That's something to work out ahead of time, will she use, and get carried away, or is she ready to be around something she likes to do, but it's a problems in her life, and abstain, and have a good time without using?

That's what I meant by open communications, as is she really ready for that, and is it a good idea?

All you have expressed is you don't like her friends, or what they do, and some guy Frenching your female, when you both know good and well, their are dangers, and issues to discuss.

Hi again. New question or thing.
She works 6 days a week. Only off on wednesdays. And then every 2nd Sunday she gets a day off. So today was her day off, or is. We are moving to a new place this weekend. So my mother stopped in to fix a carpet stain.

So my fiancé got super irritated when I saw her earlier during my lunch break. She goes off telling me how this was suppose to be her off day, and she didn't want to spend half of it helping fixing the place before we move out. Also she felt incompetent for being able to do it herself.

So she kept lashing out at me, and I starting feeling surely this cannot be the only reason. I must add we have not been sleeping very great the last few nights. Our bed is kind of wasted.

In any case, so I text her to ask her I did wrong, because she was extremely rude towards me earlier. She then tells me she feels like she has no time for herself.

So what do I do? Right now my intuition tells me I must ignore it because women have a right to be upset over little issues. Also she is on her period atm.

But I cannot help and be extremely angry right now at her for acting this way. I mean its not my fault she burned the carpet, if she didn't burn it my mother would not have been there today to fix it. Also I see no reason why she has to be upset towards me. I feel like switching off my phone and just ignoring her at this point in time because frankly I try to keep her happy to lift her spirits when she is down but also due to my lack of sleep I am just not in the mood for her crap today.

Feel like dropping her stuff off at her moms house and just call it quits. Feeling like a failure atm. Can never satisfy her, but I might be exaggerating a bit.

Maybe its time you had a good think about what you want to do?what kind of life do YOU want?

She has a drug problem, plain and simple. You see the kind of drama it causes. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Based on what you've said here I think I know the answer to that question. I'd think long and hard before taking the plunge with this one.

I have to give her the benefit of the doubt at least. She hasn't used since her last relapse and I already made up my mind, if she uses again I will send her packing regardless of the amount of pain it will create for me and her.

Because I know I don't want this kind of ups and downs for the rest of my life. Doesn't PMS justify her behaviour today?
I sure hope it does otherwise she is definitely using again.