Ask Me Help Desk - What does this mean for my relationship?

So I went to her vacation to visit her the last 2 nights and she said her mom told her she didn't look like she loved me... she said when she was young she never left her husbands side and all that jive and that my girlfriend doesn't seem like she's in love when she's around me...

Just letting you guys know... what do you think about that?

Ask her yourself. Its not what we think. If her mom notices it and says it then maybe the love isn't there. You just need to tell her all your feelings and have her put her out there to. You won't know otherwise until you talk to her.

I understand that... and we will have a big long talk on Sunday about everything... I just don't really know what I'm going to say anymore... I mean I have all my notes written down I guess I'll fall back on those

I would just like to give you kudos.
You came on here frustrated, posting before you thought about it very much, and ended up sounding like another one of those controlling, manipulative guys out there.
Even after everyone on the first page accused you of this, you didn't blame us, nor get mad. You simply kept trying to get help.

Most people wouldn't have done this, and it shows more commitment to your girl.
I would like to apologize, for myself and the others who accused you of the same, and thank you for sticking around and being dedicated to your girlfriend.

Please keep us updated on the situation after you get to talk to her!

I will you guys have been a lot of help

You can "hope" that she changes.

But DON'T "expect" her to change.

If you go into a relationship or marriage expecting your significant other to change, then there's 2 things:

1) You're setting yourself up for disappointment.

2) Yon don't really like that person as much as you think. You just like the good stuff and hope that the person can fix the bad stuff. You can apply this to anyone on the planet. Take anyone off the street, appreciate their good things and hope they change the rest. (Slight exageration, but it gets my point across)

It doesn't work that way. You either like the whole package or you don't.

I understand that... but I do love the whole package... it's just the things I've told you about that I can't stand... and she already feels terrible about them, so even if she doesn't change they're not that bad to deal with

Quote:

Originally Posted by fishburn7

but i do love the whole package...it's just the things i've told you about that i can't stand...

There in lies the contradiction already.

Nobody is perfect. Furthermore, nobody is going to be the exact person that you want them to be, that's what we call a fantasy.

The only thing you can really do is mention the things that bother you and IF she decides to change, then great, otherwise, you got to accept those things. If you insist too much, you will be the "controling" boyfriend and it will just push her away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelpinHere

I would just like to give you kudos.
You came on here frustrated, posting before you thought about it very much, and ended up sounding like another one of those controlling, manipulative guys out there.
Even after everyone on the first page accused you of this, you didn't blame us, nor get mad. You simply kept trying to get help.

Most people wouldn't have done this, and it shows more committment to your girl.
I would like to apologize, for myself and the others who accused you of the same, and thank you for sticking around and being dedicated to your girlfriend.

Please keep us updated on the situation after you get to talk to her!

Greenies to you for this! I felt the same way and also apologized already.

Thx much sunflower!
Lol, I know, you need to spread the rep, as you just gave me some the other day!

Thanks for all the help guys.... i'll let you know what happens when i talk to her, even though i have no idea what to say lol.... if there's anything else you'd like to say just let me know. i'd appreciate it

All right so I'm going to talk to her tomorrow and she knows we're going to talk but I'm absolutely clueless... I have no idea what to say... I've got all my notes I've taken over the last week cause writing things down keeps me calm but I honestly don't know what to do... and of course I spend last night on vacation with her again and she bought the tiniest skirt I've ever seen, and she's not that kind of girl... I don't know what's got into her... it's like she's dressing to get a boyfriend now... so I'm lost I have no idea what to say... I don't want to yell but I need to talk about things. So

Any advice?

Well I talked to her...

Yes. I too would like to know the outcome of your "talk" with her.

Haha I know you guys would

So.. I went over her house and just sat on the couch with her.. and by this point her parents and her best friend all know I'm coming over so we can talk...

So I get over there and we joke around like we normall do, we go to lunch and when we come back I ask her if we were going to talk...

Well since I really didn't know what to say so I took all of the notes I've made all week and I told her they were from the beginning of the week and how I'm over most of it...

So she read them, and asked about a few... laughed about some and was crying and I don't know exactly what happened but I looked into her eyes and told her thet if she's not happy then I have to let her go.. so she started crying more... I then showed her the list of reasons I love her and that made her feel better...

And I know this sounds like I had it all planned out ans everything but that's not the case.

She read the list and she also had the same list she had written.. I read it and I couldn't be happier because I forgot about these things...

After that we figured out she was leaving on vacation on Friday... and her going on vacations is one of the reasons we were fighting before. So of course I tell her I was planning on taking her to a movie on Friday so she thinks I'm mad again...

We left the house at that point because her parents were making us angry and we're driving we both basically yell at each other for a good 10 minutes... she think's I'm mad again for her going on vacation, and I was upset about her leaving earlier and not being able to enjoy that last Friday night before she left for another week. Which I wouldn't be able to see her... but I was very angry at this point for her automatically getting mad at me for getting mad, so I yelled that I wasn't mad... and she always assumes I'm in the worst mood, which yes makes me angry... we both settled down because we both were upset about her leaving Friday because she was also planning something for our Friday.. so we settled down because we weren't actually mad at each other

None the less we went back to her house and everything was calm once again... I wasn't in the best mood at this point and I know she wasn't either but we decided to go to a movie fairly early, and it was a chick flick which made us both feel good about what we had I think..

So we went back to her place and on the way we talked about things some moreand what I first posted on here... and when we got back to her place the talking didn't stop.. and I don't remember what exactly we were talking about because there was so much and all kinds of emotion.. but I do remember this...

She said something like we needed to take a step back.. because our conversations have been fake basically for a long time... and I told her it's because we're taking each other for granted... we both assume that no matter what we're going to end up married which makes us try to please the other one less... which makes us look to the future instead of enjoying now... and also she doesn't look forward to our time together like she used to... so I told her we need to stop assuming everything about tomorrow and enjoy each other today

I told her I'm needy and jealous... that's who I am, that's as much me as anything else and she tols me she doesn't like that about me, but both of those reasons were in her list of reasons she loved me, so she then said she loves it sometimes, but only when she's needy or jealous... so I told her that sounded selfish..

That's when she said she doesn't really know what kind of girlfriend she is, which reminded me of about 4 weeks ago when we went to a concert and she absolutely made me feel like the entire night with the making fun of my grades and everything of that sort. And after that night I told her I know she's not that why girlfriend who verbally abuses her boyfriend but she was acting like it... so last night I told her she needs to figure out who she is.. she needs to find herself and figure out what kind of girlfriend she's going to be... it was soon after that I left because it was getting late but the whole way home I felt terrible and I told her that.. I felt like I shook her up and left her to put the puzzle back together and I told her that too... I felt horrible and worried the whole way home.. when I went to sleep I texted her goodnight like I always do but this message was 9 text messages long...

When I woke up this morning I was nervous until she texted me... I was basically running around with my head cut off nervous until I walked outside to my car and on the way I thought about her being herself and how there's 2 pairs of sandals that are her.. they're everything she is and I think they're the ugliest things in the world but when I was walking I remembered the look on her face when she showed me them and she was so happy... and for once they were something that no one else influenced... they were genuinely her... and that made me the happiest I've been in a long time, just thinking about that...
I thought yes they're ugly but they're her.
Also I talked to her this morning and she hasn't really thought about "finding herself" yet today but I told her about the shoe thing I I think it made her very happy

And now here we are

Oh fish I am so glad you were able to talk to her and get it all out. It was so true what you said about being taken for granted. Every couple out there goes through that. Also what you said about enjoying today. I think that rings true for all couples married or not. People don't just sit back and enjoy the moment. With the world like it is today everyone is always worried about what's next. You did great!!

But I have to say I only hope she stays true and works through this with you. She is working on finding herself you said. Some people spend there lives trying to find who they are. Lets hope for your sake she isn't one of those. Maybe together you can grow and she can learn who she is with you along the way.

It sounded like it went well and I am sure there is a huge weight lifted off you anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

It was so true what you said about being taken for granted. Every couple out there goes through that. Also what you said about enjoying today. I think that rings true for all couples married or not. People dont just sit back and enjoy the moment. With the world like it is today everyone is always worried about whats next..

That's exactly what she said, she said" yes we need to enjoy today and stop looking forward cause when we're married what are we supposed to look forward to?

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

But I have to say I only hope she stays true and works through this with you. She is working on finding herself you said. Some people spend there lives trying to find who they are. Lets hope for your sake she isnt one of those. Maybe together you can grow and she can learn who she is with you along the way.

I told her I'd be right next to her the entire way and that I don't want to sway her or convince she's someone she's not because I only want her happy... she said she was going to share everything with me and I really hope she does, because how many people get the opportunity to grow with a person like this? I'm so happy she's letting me walk with her and just stand next to her while she does this...

It is beginning to sound more and more like a maturity issue, on her side. Meaning that she is not as committed as you are to either being a girlfriend, or a future wife.

That is not a fault, it is more that she is just not in the same place you are right now. You want to move forward toward a deeper and more meaningful, realiable relationship, and she she said she wants to take a step back, and she doesn't know what kind of girlfriend she is to you.

So while you're trying to move forward, she is taking a step back, for whatever reason, and neither of you are in the same place.

Maybe she feels overwhelmed emotionally too. If she is not ready to accept and be comfortable with moving forward, perhaps it is just her backing off because she feels pressure. And not necessarily from you, but she's feeling pressure to do the right thing, feel the way she's supposed to toward you, and feel good about building a future.

All of that when she's not comfortable with the present relationship.

You, on the other hand, wish to resolve current conflicts, and her immature actions toward you (the putdowns etc.), and get past the differences, while solidifying the relationship, and moving forward together.

There has to be a certain level of commitment to begin with, in order to build a solid foundation that leads to the future. Without that in a long term relationship, you have nothing to fall back on when times get really tough.

I see you 'correcting' her instead of validating her feelings. For example when she says her conversations with you have been 'fake' for a long time, or she says that she doesn't look forward to her time with you like she used to, you have answers to explain her behaviour, and that is not what she needs to hear. You correct her thinking, and that leaves more doubt for her, than understanding of what she's saying.

For you to start with an agenda, i.e. the list, it may have cleared the air, but not in the way you wanted.

It is hard for me to see the two of you in a long term commitment. Maybe you are trying to hard to understand her, and she is floundering for words that you will really hear. It may be time to just ease off, and go again, but when she is ready.

While you may wish for her to be different, or think differently, it is sort of like forcing a square block into a round hole. It just may never happen. There may not be enough of a foundation that can be worked on, to reach the goals you want.

We talked about taking a step back as she called it and just acting like a normal couple... but the way I see it is it's not taking a step back that we're doing... we're simply slowing down to enjoy every minute of our lives together... that in itself is not stepping backwards. If anything it's moving forward

As a maturity issue? Yes she is somewhat less mature than I am.. she's done with 2 years of college and has had 3 majors. I have had one and not switching ever...

But that in itself is normal if nothing else... she's going to be fine. I understand every relationship needs a strong foundation and I don't know exactly what creates a foundation for any relationship... maybe you guys could help me out with this..

PLEASE do not tell me I'm not going to make it work with her or we're not meant for each other or anything like that... I don't want to hear it anymore, she's my world and I know she feels the same about me