Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend broke up and moved out, how to fix the relationship

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

You are doing well. Just keep in mind, this time is about you. It isn't helpful to you, but fairly human, to continue to dwell on the 'what if's'.

What new things have you found to do that you enjoy that you haven't done in a long time?

What new hobbies? Sports? Summer events? Leagues?

Getting out there and meeting new people will greatly help with the dwelling on the situation.

I guess you would say I am hopeful. Kind of strange, but I was doing laundry last night and ran across some clothes she left behind. Got to decide if I should through them out, or box them up with the mail she still has coming to my place.

As for activities, I have been hanging out with some of my old friends, that I had cut off while her and I were dating. She never made me do that, but we usually always hung out with her friends. I plan on going out with some friends hiking. Otherwise, I have the rest of this week of my summer course to complete, after that mainly work. I enjoy what I do, and work with some good people.

As for getting out there and meeting new people, some of my college friends have been taking me with them to some parties, though I always feel out of place, because I am almost 22, and the majority of the people at these parties are under 21.

Do some volunteer work. I found that helping others puts some perspective on just how trivial my problems really are.

Just my two cents... I always felt that being friends was always a consolation prise. Akin to you can never go back. I felt if I am not good enough to date, then you must feel I am not good enough to be a friend.

With that said, I am still friend with some x boyfriends of 25+ years. But it was a long time in coming. Really distance yourself until you just have a passing thought of "I wonder what ever happened to so and so" and then see if you can be friends.

Also, I read somewhere that when one person in a commitment does something like this, they always trade down, they never trade up.

Hope all this helps. I am sorry you are going through this.

Sylvan

Why would someone trade down? I would think that if you are going to leave a deeply committed relationship, you would want to go from something that is good, to something that is great...

If she did trade down, wouldn't she realize that, and want to fix her mistake?

As for being friends, this is the longest relationship that I have ever been in. she was in every aspect of my life, I don't think I could ever look at her the same way. I also think it would show more if she contacted me, don't you think?

It's good to know when you are posting to deaf ears.

If you are only looking to hear what you want to hear, then why don't you tell us what you would like us to say...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

It's good to know when you are posting to deaf ears.

If you are only looking to hear what you want to hear, then why don't you tell us what you would like us to say...

Nope, looking to hear some others points of view, and advice of maybe how to fix this.
I have been following the NC, and have been staying busy with work, school, and friends. Other than doing the things for myself there really isn't much more I can do to change the situation at hand. I have played all my cards, now its just time to wait.

What I would really like is to be able to know what she is thinking, which unless someone hear is a mind reader or an interrogator, I won't know anything, lol

But that is what my first post was.

You are not benefiting yourself to dwell and wonder. You won't get answers and other perspectives just lead to guessing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKeagle

she was in every aspect of my life

That's a problem, while being in a relationship is all well and fine. Making that person your life, is not. You both need outside lives or you will begin to resent one another. A relationship is like a friendship, I had friends that I would be with all the time, which we would end up fighting a lot. Now you know you need a healthy balance, anybody will tell you that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKeagle

i also think it would show more if she contacted me, don't you think?

Nope, it would show that she feels guilty. I can assure you the call would be something along these lines

Her: I just was calling to see how you were doing(stupid question if you ask me)
You: I'm okay
Her: I didn't mean to hurt you and I am sorry if I did(she knows she hurt you, she's just trying to ease her own guilty)
You: I know what happened in our relationship and I want to fix it.

Then it just goes downhill from there.

My situation was similar to yours. My ex of 4 years left me for another guy in what seemed to be a short period (a couple of weeks). She was my first love and my first heartbreak. I'm still dealing with some things even 6 months down the road. However, I've been proactive and keeping myself busy with things I want to do. I can go out and hang out with whomever I want, when I want, and do whatever I want, without out her getting mad.

You need to get busy with your life. Fill all of your time with things you like to do and friends.

She will not disappear from your life forever. My ex is the most strong willed and stubborn person I know. I was NOT the first person she dumped and yet every few months I get a phone call from her to catch up. She still wants to be friends... but as long as I still harbor feelings for her, a friendship will never work. If you ever have been stuck in the Friends Zone with someone you like, you know how it is. If you still have feelings for her, any friendship you form will be compromised because you will ALWAYS want to be something more than friends.

I think the whole trade down thing is true. My example is perfect. She left me for someone who doesn't have a job, lives 400 miles away, and according to most of her friends is a "skinny, loser" and I was so much better.

When a person dumps someone and immediately runs to someone else, they usually do it out of emotion and fear of being alone. This can definitely cloud their thoughts and result in the "trade down".

However, knowing this maybe the case for you as well, there is still nothing you can/should do to get her back. She has to make that decision on her own, with out your influence. She has to want to come back.

If she contacts you, it's your choice to respond. If you do respond, be mature, polite, and friendly. Do not confuse her action of contacting you with hope that she wants to come back...chances are she doesn't. She will just want to see "how you are doing" to sooth her guilt of kicking you to the curb.

As far as wanting to know ANYTHING about her current guy and her new love life I have to say... IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!

Anything you hear about her and him will tear you apart. I know this from experience. Do not ask questions that may have answers that you do not want to hear. As a matter of fact, DON'T ASK HER ANYTHING.

This is the time where you must implement NC and start healing. It will be hard, but you have to do it.

Remember, she knows how you feel. She made her choice in spite of that. She is with someone else, so anything you do right now to get her back will be futile.

You are in charge of your life and the way you handle things now will allow you to learn a lot about yourself.

It's not adversity that makes us who we are... it's how we handle adversity that makes us who we are.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Her: I just was calling to see how you were doing(stupid question if you ask me)
You: I'm okay
Her: I didn't mean to hurt you and I am sorry if I did(she knows she hurt you, she's just trying to ease her own guilty)
You: I know what happened in our relationship and I want to fix it.

Then it just goes downhill from there.

I have been the her in this scenerio.

I did it to appease my guilt and to ensure that I still had the upper hand... I was still in control and the break up was still my choice.

Romefalls19

If she ever did call I would think the best thing to do is talk about something other than us, unless she starts. In which case, I just shut my mouth and listen. (if she called me, it would be for a reason, let her talk)

Are you saying to not take any communication from her?

That's EXACTLY what I am saying. My ex would call me everyday after the break up, every night it would be the same story "I don't know if this is what I want, but it feels right" And then apologizing for hurting me.

After a week of these mind games, I deleted her number, myspace and everything that I had up about her. For every picture I had on my wall, a new motivational quote when up in it's place. I got into the gym, got toned and bigger. Felt good about myself, kept going NC, even worked with her and for 5 months, no talking. I met a terrific woman, got engaged and are now to be wed on June 26 2010.

My ex, still calls occasionally asking for another chance. I have learned that the past is that, a sunken old ship. No matter how many times you raise it, it will still sink and never be the same again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKeagle

romefalls19

if she ever did call i would think the best thing to do is talk about something other than us, unless she starts. in which case, i just shut my mouth and listen. (if she called me, it would be for a reason, let her talk)

are you saying to not take any communication from her?

Know this, every time you communicate with your ex following a break up, you lose all of the progress gained through no contact, you will be back to two minutes following the initial break up and all of the feelings will be fresh and painful and the contact will be more hurtful than healing for you.

You won't have answers to your questions, in fact you will question everything even more, because you are bound to confront these issues in contact. Right now, you have to avoid all communication (THE HARDEST PART OF NO CONTACT) like a plague. You are not ready for communication and won't be ready for a long time.

To be truthful AK, once you stop all contact, heal, and get all of the emotions out, you probably won't even have a desire to contact your ex. It is amazing what rational thinking does to you! I know I have no desire to contact my ex... took me awhile to get like that, but it was well worth it.

I won't contact her. But if she contacts me...

Do I just ignore all contact from her, and till when? I understand that I am not ready to communicated with her now, but there is only so many calls I ignore, and VM's that I can listen to, till I have to take one, right?

(we still have one more end to tie, we have to get my name off our joint account, I am kind of stalling, trying to keep to the NC, and hoping that she will just close the account and take the money.

That's the benefit of voice mails. You can press 7 at any time. Or if you're like me, I let my voice mails back up and just don't listen to them. Too much effort to check them

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKeagle

i won't contact her. but if she contacts me.......

do i just ignore all contact from her, and till when?

Until you can stop having to ask this question...

Honestly, I got a feeling that if I ignore her for so long, she is liable to show up on my door step... (she knows where I live, and work)

I am still renting the place for another 7 months, then planning on moving, unless I can find another room mate

Then fine, at lease then she put some effort into walking to your place of living. No offense, but if someone broke up with me and wanted to work things out, it better be face to face because the phone is to impersonal for me.

You ignore her contact, you don't listen to voicemails and if possible you change your phone number all together. You don't ever answer you aren't ready, you won't be ready for a long time.

You have had a week, you haven't started this the right way and this will be painful but I think now you plan how to do all of the final things so there are no longer any final strings without her. Close the account yourself, if the money is hers, put it in your box, if not split the funds... however is fair. Box up the mail and any and all of her things that are remaining in the house. Drive them to her parents (unless that is where she is staying) and leave them there for her. Tell her parents that her mail needs to be forwarded to her new address immediately.