Ask Me Help Desk - Don't know what to do; really hard "break-up"

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The other night she called me to apologize for blowing up at me at work and we got into the relationship talk again.

You have to stop doing this. You have to stop having these conversations with her. Stop taking her calls!

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you still have feelings for me, but I'm not Catholic so you won't be with me, oh and your not ready to be with anyone right now. Oh and she also said that she doesn't think I'm truly ready because she believes I didn't have the time to fully grieve my old relationship ending.

Dude, she is continuing to bulldoze all of this BS in your face. Why put up with it?

Next time she calls, you don't pick up. She is continuing to press you further into madness and you are allowing her to do it.

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she's next door in her office right now and looks so beautiful

Can you move to a different office? If so, I would suggest that.

You have to start thinking with your head not your heart. She doesn't care about you, like you care about her. Just because you care about her and how she feels, doesn't mean she feels the same way, nor will it help you get her back.

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no matter what I say, nothing will change unless she decides to change her rigidness.

Bingo!! You are correct, yet you still continue to spend time and energy trying to win back someone who doesn't want to be with you! She knows this and in the process of knowing this is content with feeding you BS, stringing you along with mixed signals, and looking for other guys that "fit her list". You are just a pawn in her game... don't you see? No matter what you say, do, think, or feel... untill she decides she wants you back, she isn't coming back!

You need to start standing up for yourself and do everything you can to limit your contact with her.

Update on my situation:

Thanks JMW for your comments. The one at the end about her stringing me along really resonated with me. Well it's been 12 days since I posted on here and things are marginally better I guess. She's still trying to play these games, but I've limited contact with her as much as I can. Unfortunately I'm still stuck next to her in my office as there is no way to switch offices; and we are still forced to work in very close quarters. Also, my mind is still torn; the things she says to "string" me still stick at times and keep me holding on. I'm trying so hard to let this go though.

I think I'm getting a little better everyday, now it's just the pains of letting go. I tell myself all day; " I let her go", but it hasn't stuck yet. I still hear songs that remind me of her, have to see her and get flooded with uncontrollable thoughts about us together, and just find myself in situations that remind me of her. I try my best to avoid this stuff, but right now I know I am still letting myself indulge from time to time because it temporarly brings me out of being the saddest person in the freakin world. It's scary just how much I've let my happiness depend on her; I've been trying desperately to create my own by doing things I used to do, seeing friends, meeting new people, and trying new things, but most the time I'm just completely miserable.

Plus, seeing her everyday creates an environment where it's easy to try and microanalyze everything she does to see if she still loves me - or is with someone else. The desire to know the answers to these questions is just overwhelming at times. She said she recently reactived her Facebook account and now I have to resist the urge to check her account in some way desperately. I guess I'm training my brain. There are times where it is just completely overwhelming and I have to go in my office and write 10-15 pages of "I let her go" or just vent like this about how I hate her and it's over or something like that. Then after that doesn't work I'll sit and weep for like an hour or mope for hours on end. Being around her everyday just makes the letting go process a million times harder than it needs to be. I feel like every weekend when I feel like I'm starting to turn the corner Sunday hits and I get to dread all these thoughts, feelings, and emotions coming back to the forefront. I have no control over them and it's scary. I try and fake control sometimes but that façade is broken easily. Seeing her everyday really makes it hard to stop trying to "creep" or "snoop" to find out what she is doing. My mind takes over and analyzes her talking on her cellphone, texting, on the computer (facebook), or talking to co-workers and acting flirty.

The other ty part is that she seems totally fine. The other day she broke down and told me that she just found out her old BF was cheating on her (the one she left for me basically) and that she knows she's not over him totally because it still hurts. So, basically what she's ssaying is that while her and I were trying to build a relationship she was still pining for her old BF who she dumped! What the hell. At times like that I truly believe she is just a very troubled person and not the blatantly manipulative person I sometimes think she is. I just wish I knew the answer; but I guess it would matter anyway. Outside of these few and far between moments of breakdown though. The rest of the time she seems totally fine here at the office. Is she just a better faker than I am? I don't know. She is so chipper and preppy all the time that it just drives me nuts that she's just so over us it seems. I try my best to put on the I'm good front too because I don't want to give her the satification of knowing how I feel, but It's so easy to see through. I'm just not my old self; I used to be funny, quick-witted, loved my job truly, and very opptimistic about things. Now I try and be that but inside I still feel gloomy most the time. It just hurts to see her be the girl I fell completely in love with. Plus, I have to see her looking beautiful everyday and it still melts me. I try my best to push those uncontrollabe thoughts and feelings aside but they keep coming back.

I've been thinking about though lately; and now I'm really starting to miss my old GF (of seven years) very hard. My mind tells me that this is my punishment for crushing her; now I get crushed. Then I start to think the thought that maybe I'm not sad about this new girl afterall; maybe I'm just devastated by the abrupt changes that have occurred in my life, mainly in regards to the huge life change of losing someone after 7 years. I don't know though; there are times where I let my brain flow to try and make sense out of this and I make connections like that sometimes which bring me comfort and understanding, but there are other times where I just want it to stop. I just want to be ignornant and numb to everything because I can't handle the emotional rollercoaster anymore.

I recently got denied for mental health services from my insurance though I've got another number to call today to try and see if I can meet with another psychologist. I'm this close to just taking the medication prescribed to me (anti-depressants) because I'm so overwhelmed.

Right now there are times where I feel like I have a slight handle on things though; those times are slight I will agree, but I hope they are becoming more and more a bigger part of my day. I just keep telling myself that I am making a little progress. I'm trying to get into a grad school program desperately too so I can get out of this area and this job as well. Hearing her voice though still has the same effect as it used to sometimes though; I don't know I'm trying.

I forgive her and I let her go. That's the hard part though; in order for me to fully let her go I have to let go of the anger I feel for the way I was treated and forgive. The other hard part is not thinking about what "could or may be"; that false hope that breeds inside. Right now it's a scary mix between,

- I'm angry and I hate her, she's defintely moved and found someone else. She's in love with them and building her new life, now I need to confirm this so I can continue being angry at her or use that to help me let go.

- I'm worthless

- There's still hope because she told me she respects me and cares about me today (she literally brought it up during a work meeting) and doesn't want to close the door completely on "us".

- I forgive all the mistreatment; whether it was intentional or un-intentional doesn't matter. I let go of any hope of us being together; it will NEVER happen; there's no reason to know WHY it didn't work, or WHY it won't happen, it just will NEVER happen, It's OVER.

I know which one I must choose and am trying to shove myself into that with every ounce of my being right now.

Thanks for allowing me to vent again.

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Originally Posted by polarbear123

- I forgive all the mistreatment; whether it was intentional or un-intentional doesn't matter. I let go of any hope of us being together; it will NEVER happen; there's no reason to know WHY it didn't work, or WHY it won't happen, it just will NEVER happen, IT"S OVER.

There is an obvious and profound growth and maturity in this statement my friend. Bravo to you! Many people fail to EVER get this mentality, which hampers them for months and even years.

Thanks KCtiger I appreciate your thoughts. That's what I've been trying to just do. I've found that as I've told myself this and really started to buy into it and feel-believe-accept it, I have been feeling better. I still do think about her all the time, we still do have our slipups which include her and I hooking up last Friday morning when I came over and hung out for a few hours before work. Even with these setbacks though, I find myself feeling a little better; getting a little stronger with being with ME and ME ALONE. Being more comfortable with the thought of being without her. My heart still loves her and wants to be with her in a way, but now it's not the whole thing; the change is happening; it's slow, hard, and has its setbacks, but I think I'm getting a little better.

It's funny because I came on here because I was so angry at her because she was flirting (well I perceive it that way) with another co-worker a lot today, but now after reading some of the old posts I suddenly feel better. It's comforting to look at just how far I've came in this since I started posting. I still feel sad a lot, but I'm starting to enjoy the universe again and submit myself to it more and more. I actually catch myself being happy a lot now, I am doing old activities I used to, I'm enjoying social activities with my friends, and I am just enjoying life a little more every day.

Wow, this has been a long and hard journey and I know it's not over yet, but I'm finally making some visible progress.

Some random thoughts at this point:

- I still get jealous about her at this point, but I feel it's getting better. My mind has stopped wondering as much as it used to in regards to finding out if she is with someone and other type behavior.

- I am enjoying my weekends and weeknights a LOT more and feeling sad much less. This is truly amazing as I can enjoy things so much more now. I actually have fun now! It's been a while, but it's good to have a least a part of the old me back.

- I still in the back of my mind, hope that we will be together and sometimes my behavior reflects that, but not as much as it used to; not nearly as much. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of not being with her.

I am doing this; I forgive her and I let her go.

Thanks for your help guys, I'm sure I'll be back soon.